relationship stress..again

Ok so I just need a moment to vent. I am so stressed out, and I know I brought up relationship issues again, so forgive me for revisiting the subject. I am just wondering if it would be better to be a single parent just to my preemie, instead of a parent to a preemie and a parent to my husband.

I had such a bad day, Emma was doing so great at sleeping through the night, but I think her acid reflux is acting up (I have to call the docs to up the dosage I think). So she has been screaming all day, and woke up in the middle of the night upset for the past 3 nights. I am exhausted. So my husband came home today, and what did he do? OF course, sat in front of the tv and played playstation. I tried to let it go, feeling bad because he has to go back out to his second job, but the stress and exhaustion got the best of me, and there we were fighting again...

I am just so tired of fighting. I don't feel like he understands the exhaustion, and how I still am dealing with all this preemie stuff, it is so different than a FT baby. I am still mourning the fact that I didn't get a third trimester, and cannot wait to move out of my parents house. I graduated from college in December, after going back for my teaching degree, and was excited to start my career after the baby was born. It is on the back burner now, and I love being home with my Emma, but my whole world changed so fast, and so unexpectedly. I am still not used to it. And I wish we were in our own home. I love my parents, but I cannot stand one more suggestion on how I should be doing things from my mom.

I just feel alone in what I am going through. I look back on the hospital experience, and I don't see my husband's support. The day after I had my c-section he told me I should be back at work in a week or two. (The nurses and I straightened that misconception out). I remember one day, when I was recovering in the hospital I asked him for some juice, and he told me that I needed to start getting things for myself. When I finally left the hospital to gome home without my baby, he walked in front of me the whole way out. I could barely walk because of the surgery and my legs were still so weak. He took the week off to "help me out at home," but he threw himself into a new work project and barely saw me unless we were driving to the hospital. This whole experience made me see him in a new light, and it still bothers me how handled this situation. His family has so much trouble dealing with issues and communicating, and this totally proved true. I can't help resenting him for how he acted. I know he was stressed out, but I still resent him. I try to talk to him about it, but when I bring it up to him he just wants to move forward, but I don't feel like it is resolved.

I know a lot of people go through similar situations, but how do you let it go. Is it right to let it go? I feel like if we encounter another problem, or stressful situation, he will continue handling it badly. I just don't know if it would be better to be alone than married to someone who does not want to take the time to communicate, or discuss things with me. Sorry for venting, again..just tough. I am so ready to collapse in bed.

Oh and daylight savings time has us all screwed up..

By mygirlsmom
Posted November 2, 2009 at 6:52 pm
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It sounds like you've got every single component of a big stress ball of a life right now - living with parents, a non-communicative husband, and a preemie. Without going into a long story, I really think you know deep down in your heart if this is a good man, that you want to help raise your child and to share yours and her life with. Your child will learn 50% of her behaviors from him, and will very likely marry a man like the male figure in her life. Is he that man? Is he shallow and callous or is he a stressed out mess and playing playstation is his normal reaction to not dealing well with life? Some of his comments seem cruel, but I really don't know him or know the answer, these are the kinds of questions you need to be asking yourself. I have had many arguments with my husband, and communication has been problematic at times, but I never once thought of the D word. I know he's a good man, and we both struggle in our own ways, but at the end of the day, he cuddles our girls, he shares with them, he takes care of stuff around the house (he does all the dishes) and he provides for us - he simply loves us a lot, and is mature enough not to think that playstation is a good idea while I'm struggling. He is a fabulous dad and an excellent husband. You need to decide if he's a good man, a good father, and a good husband, not just a provider. Perhaps he has some issues with immaturity? These are all things you need to decide if you can work through, if he'll be willing to work through, or if they aren't in his character. Does that make sense? Good luck, I cannot imagine the stress you are under. Try not to overwhelm yourself with the big picture right this moment - many things resolve themselves, but start to formulate the answers over the next few weeks. Hugs!!!

By Feistylioness78
Posted November 2, 2009 at 9:56 pm
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Wow! I hear you and I am there with you. If I get anymore stressed out I will explode. I am hating life right now in a couple of days it will be boys 2 b-day and the 2 yr angelversary of their brothers death. dad and I have been at each others throats. Mine in he is not working has not been for over over a month. I pay ALL the bills and take care of HIS son and they are so rude, disrepectful, and unappreciative. Hang in there.

By chandralynn
Posted November 3, 2009 at 8:04 am
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I know how you feel in the stressed relationship department. Before Amanda was born Adam and I hardly ever fought, now, it seems like a daily occurrance. Our roles are switched however: he spends most of the time with Amanda because he now goes to school after getting laid off back in April, and I am the one that works full time. The stress of everything made him blow up at me last week-he told me everything he didn't like about me, and after 3 years and being engaged he didn't want to marry me anymore-he also told me I had a bad mother instinct, didn't spend enough time with my daughter, and yeah, pretty much called me an all around bad mom. This is what tore me up-Amanda was in the hospital for 4 months after her birth and 5 days out of every week I spent by her bedside-the other 2 I drove 2 1/2 hours back home to work, then did it all over again. I was almost fired over this whole situation. I would pretty much give my left leg right now to be able to stay home with her..but I can't. Right now my income is the only income, and if we lost the insurance, there would be no way. If I could wave a magic wand and we could switch places, I'd do it right now. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I think as preemie parents we experience everything ten fold-the stress, the fear, the sadness, and the relationship issues. Hang on-hopefully he will come around and see all of this as a gift instead of a burden.

By happybunny202
Posted November 4, 2009 at 2:32 pm
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Run, don't walk, to a counselor.

Maybe that sounds dramatic, but if his family has trouble communicating (boy, does that sound familiar, lol), and you're tired & stressed...

Been there, done that!!! ;)

From what I've seen, a traumatic experience --and having a preemie definitely qualifies!!!-- can "make or break" a relationship. It changes your outlook on life in a number of ways, and you need to pull together, not come apart.

My hubby was trying to get a men's group together at our local hospital, because of what we went through and how it changed our marriage (when we certainly weren't expecting it!)... It's really hard, though, because of the differences in the way men and women communicate.

That's why I think you need someone to talk to; a neutral party, so to speak... If a professional isn't covered under insurance, ask the social worker at the hospital or your spiritual leader.

...and continue to vent here, anytime!

Best wishes!

By CalliesMommy
Posted November 4, 2009 at 2:53 pm
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I understand some of what you are going through. Stress can really bring out the worst in people, and it is so hard to figure out how to deal with eachother.
I am lucky because when I opened up and told my husband how his actions were effecting me and gave him some ideas of where he could turn for help he did, and things are slowly getting better. We are both communicating more and trying to learn and grow and get through everything together now. It took us almost seperating to get us there though.

lol, the time change mucked up our routine pretty badly too :-)

By emmaandme
Posted November 5, 2009 at 6:54 pm
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Thank you for all the advice. I do agree that a counselor would be a good option, but I just am not sure that I am ready to open up to one yet. I think I am just so angry at him for acting this way towards me. Plus, it makes me see his family in a whole new light, because they are why the way he is. They have gone through some serious situations, suicide, drugs, and more when he was a teen. So, they are not the best communicators at all. I just wish I realized all this before, but having a preemie and stressful times really brought all of these issuses up,. because I see how he reacts in a bad situation. I just feel really alone now, but I am thankful for this site to vent to. We will see what happens, maybe we try a counselor, but I am scared to go that path, I don't know why but I am.

By maddieangarrettsmom
Posted November 6, 2009 at 9:36 pm
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My husband and I had a very simuliar situation as yours. My daughter was a 28 weeker. She is now 8yrs old. Every thought you are having now I had then. My hubby was addicted to an on-line computer game. It was so bad that I hid the game under a mattress and he tore the house apart and found it!! I was left alone at the hospital most everyday he was never around. And when we brought her home things got worse. It took us many years to over come our daughters birth. He has since told me he didn't know how else to deal with her birth except to withdraw. And to some extent he blamed me for her early arrival. I think there is some kind of post traumamatic stress that we as parents of premeies experience. I can say now that our relationship is strong and with this 3rd pregnancy he is SO supportive. Hang in there it will get better! Also I started therapy alone first. I had to heal myself before I could start to forgive him.

By rainysmom
Posted November 7, 2009 at 12:05 pm
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I think you've gotten some really excellent advice so far. I can relate to what you are saying; the anger, resentment, the family issues.....very familiar.

I have training and years of practice as a psychotherapist and while I went to therapy for me, the three times we tried to do it as a couple, it wasn't good for my husband.

With some time and continued therapy of my own I have come to really appreciate that he has been WAY too raw to even talk about how he has felt. Talking about it brought it all back with such ferocity he'd come undone.

My life and my daughter's were both in the balance for a good while. My family has recently shed light on how he was during that time. He was dedicated and distraught; totally terrified. And my family saw how his family interacted and how all these issues came up for my husband.

Then, he withdrew. As I stabilized he withdrew more, and if I tried to engage him, or worse, got mad at him for not engaging, he was hostile and enraged. He has seemed resentful of being a husband and father.

I am very comfortable processing verbally. It helps me. My husband used to be on the same page, but after this, he just couldn't. This new version of him is such a total departure from what I have experienced of him.

He seemed so heartless and cold for so long, I couldn't grasp where he was coming from........he was totally closed off. He still is sometimes, but he comes back quicker each time so I know he's trying.

He started seeing someone who works with body energy. It's certainly not traditional, but he's responding. It's what works for him.

Now that he's "coming back" I find a renewed anger. Where the heck has he been????? And why did he let that mean insensitive guy come out so much?????

I have to take that and express it elsewhere. Stuffing it or pretending doesn't work for me, but talking to him about it right now doesn't work either. I also have to respect his need to take a different path of healing than mine. I have found more peace and happiness in readjusting my expectations. It has really helped me to have my friends and family tell me how they know that I'm strong enough to do this, and I can do what needs to be done for our daughter. I also try to not focus on what he's doing, or not doing, and if I go there, remember that he's a guy who is so undone he's a big hot mess.

He and I used to talk about what parts of parenting we'd each be good at. I have come to realize the trauma of the birth and NICU and beyond is not his good parenting arena.......it's mine. I'm the one with all the training. I'm great in emergencies and with trauma. Other people's! Heck, I've been trained for years in dealing with trauma, but was never prepared to deal with his. Is that fair? Is any of this fair? And the answer is no. None of this is fair. I came to realize that while my anger at him does appear to be justified, I'm also still mad sometimes at the whole crappiness of the whole situation. And my training reminds me to be compassionate with myself.....everything I feel is on par with what we have been through.

I do still tell him what I need, and ask that he respect my needs for things like help with our daughter after no sleep, or mother burnout, things like that.

There's a movie called "Reign Over Me" starring Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. It's about PTSD, and how it changes us. I found it a powerful reminder of why traditional "talk" therapy isn't for everyone, and in fact can be too dismanteling, especially for men.

My prayer for you is that you find comfort and strength for yourself.

Blessings to you.

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