Oooh I so need to vent...what would you do? Help I really need some advice!

Bellasmom1
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Ok so my 28 weeker is 2 1/2 now and doing great. We are soaking up summer and prepairing for another winter of being in the house all the time. Her doctors suggest keeping her in and away from germs until age 3. Anyway's I have struggled from the begining with some of my family that just doesn't understand and think kids need to get sick. Anyways, my brother and his wife have three kids, all full term. Their youngest is 1 1/2 yrs. old. They are sick every other week. Even in the summer. The youngest has had RSV and everything else you can imagine. He now has asthma from it. My sister n law had him back in day care when he wasn't even over Rsv yet, against his doctors advise. Their middle child is curently being tested for all kinds of things because she is litterally sick every other week. I love them all very dearly but I'm very concerned about my own daughter.

Ok so here is my biggest concern and what I'm so upset about. I have been helping them out and watching the youngest for about a month now. I made it very clear that when ANY of them are sick I can't keep him. My nephew has tons of green snot coming out of his nose every time she brings him and says it's an allergy. A few weeks ago she dropped him off and after she left he slept all day and wouldn't eat and I just knew he was sick. Two days later she called me to tell me she wasn't going to work because his fever was 104.5!!!! It stayed like that off and on for two days. Anyways, yes my daughter got what he had and was sick also. Come to find out she failed to tell me her oldest daughter had strep and a fever and almost spunt the night in the hospital a few nights before the little ones got sick. Then she gets sick and tells me she is going to work and wants to know if I would keep the baby. Well of course I tell her no not until everyone is better. I mean how many times do I have to say it? I'm getting pretty irate now because last week she drops the baby off and while she is running out the door tells me her other daughter has a fever but it's her "issue" she has and it's not catching, yeah right. Well friday I call to see if my niece wants to go to the children's museum with us and I ask is she over her fever? Is she sick? Oh yes she is good now she tells me.

Ok so NOW I will finally get to my long over due point LOL... So yesterday we go and pick her up to go to the museum and she has a little trash can with her. I ask her why she has a trash can and her mother's mom chimes in and says "she gets car sick sometimes and pukes" Ok so now I have this gut feeling something isn't right but I love my niece and she is telling me she is not sick. She is only 9 yrs old so I don't want to grill her or anything. So we go to the museum and her voice starts really sounding croupy. I ask her if she is feeling alright she says she is fine. Half way through our day we stop to eat, she doesn't eat. Then she sneezes and I look at her eyes and she is clearly looking very sick, watery, glossy red eyes and croupy voice. So we head home and on the way home I ask her why her voice sounds so croupy she looks all worried and tells me with her head down... "Aunt Kim, my grandma told me not to tell you this morning because you wouldn't let me go" CAN YOU BELEIVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart was beating so hard with anger, but I stayed really calm and asked her what wasn't she supose to tell me. Well it turns out her throat is sore and she has been sick every since she had that fever. The thing that is bothering me the most is they simply lied to me. Kept the truth from me and took away my choice to protect my daughter. my only daughter. My only child! I am fine with it that life is life and we all get sick but WHY in the world would I want to expose my toddler to an unessasary illness if I don't have to? What parent does? If they get sick then they get sick we deal with it but who sends their sick kid with someone? Expecially with a preemie who is under weight already and when she gets sick we lose valuable pounds that we can't afford to lose. They know these things. They broke our trust. I can not trust them. I have given them the benifit of the doubt over and over but now they are completely lying to me. Oh yes and today my little girl now has a fever and sick.

They have always had a attitude toward my protection for her and thing the doctors are crazy. Well I'm pretty ticked right now that my baby is sick once again because of their lacking to inform me. I know I know I saw the signs I could have told my niece she wasn't coming. I guess I made the mistake in trusting my family to treat me with the same respect I treat them...yes that is my fault.

Ok I'm sorry for the long book here. If you've made it to the end please tell me what you would do and say to them in this situation.

Thanks, Kim

22 replies

ShellyNel

I have encountered a very similar situation this past year. My SIL and I share babysitting time with my husbands parents, We get Wed. and she gets Tue/Th. It is blatently in her favor, she gets two days a week (eventhough she has 1 FT toddler, and she works only part time by choice)(LOL one table for bitter right? I am working on that!)and we get 1 day a week (with TWO preemies). My MIL would take care of her sick child(my SIL knew she shouldn't let them but did anyway) and then call me that night(before she would come over the next day) and say, I don't know what you want me to do, should we come over tomorrow. Well, no. This happen several times and I/my husband had to be docked days of work to stay home.

We have decided to bite the bullet if you will, this year and simply pay for all of the care. It is a hit to our budget (we pay about 1,450 a mo) but it was causing real tension and my MIL seemed oblivious to it. So, my hubby told her why we would not be using her. Our decision was in favor of our children. We also told my MIL that we saw how hard it was for her/my FIL too, to take care of ALL of the grandchildren, and we wanted the time they spent with ours to be fun filled and not just babysitting. So we softened the blow. I think you are right to be angry. However, only you can stop the situation. Be sure if you take a stand, to let them know if they bring a sick child to your home you will send them home immediately. We have had to do that with my SIL. Or, just do not babysit for them at all. It might hurt some feelings, but I would say no more. Their blantant disregard (the lie especially and involving their child in THEIR want of a lie is terrible) for your daughter and her health should be addressed, but do it so that a new respect is formed and your boundaries for the situation are set. I really hope things improve for you. My MIL has not called us since we told her we would not be using her because of the illness issue...it has been almost 5 days...she NEVER goes that long w/o a call, but I feel good about setting out the limits and knowing that I am doing everything I can to keep my angels healthy. Blessings to you and yours!

MichaelasMom

WOW Kim - I can understand you needing to vent and I have to agree if it was me I would be FURIOUS! Especially because they have deliberately lied and deceived you with absolutely no thought as to why you have a no-illness policy with other kids around your daughter.
As I see it you can do one of two things:
A - You can voice your concerns, let them know you are upset and continue as normal in which case their behaviour WILL NOT CHANGE
B - You can voice your concerns, let them know that their behaviour is unacceptable, and CREATE DISCOMFORT for them. From a basic Psychology point of view creating discomfort in others is the only way to change their behaviour. An example of this would be to simply tell them that due to their behaviour you can no longer take care of your nephew/niece and that you can only have them to visit or take them to outings like the museum if one of the parents/grandparents (i.e. an adult) accompanies them - that way if he/she is sick you can immediately leave with your daughter or tell them to leave.
By doing this you create consequences and discomfort for them (they now have to arrange other daycare) and you demonstrate to them that you will not accept their behaviour.

If they try and say ANYTHING to you to make you feel bad or sound as if you are paranoid, you simply say "THE IMPORTANT THING is that you deliberately set out to deceive me and in so doing put my daughter's health at risk" - Don't feel that you need to give any other excuses to anything they say or explain yourself in anyway - just keep repeating this sentence as a mantra - it really is the core issue here and if anyone questions you, just keep reminding them of the core issue. No matter what they say if you keep bringing them back to the core issue then they don't have much of an argument.
They are 100% in the wrong here and they now need to earn your trust and loyalty, and that includes the babysitting service that they have been getting out of you.
They have also displayed a total lack of respect to you as a parent by not respecting your right to make choices/decisions for your daughter.

By the way - I have read some of your posts and it sounds to me as if you have done a fantastic job of protecting Bella and keeping her at home - I admire your resolve to keep her at home over winter. I am struggling with a decision as to whether or not to put Michaela in daycare as I have to go back to work soon - she is 14 months.

All the best and I hope she gets over her cold soon.
Debra

katek

Kim,

That is truly horrible and deceitful.

MichaelasMom's line is a good one: "THE IMPORTANT THING is that you deliberately set out to deceive me and in so doing put my daughter's health at risk."

Moreover, it is not appropriate to teach your niece that it is OK to lie when it gets you something you want (regardless of how it affects others). That's selfish, irresponsible, and immoral.

If it were me, I would tell them that it is clear that they don't respect you or your rules. They are not your child's doctor. They do not have an intimate knowledge of her case history. They obviously have not read the literature on premature children. They are operating in ignorance and lying, which may be convenient for them, but it is inexcusable to you.

Good luck. Please keep us posted on how things play out.

Mgnsmom

Everyone has pretty much said it - but that was horrible! It also so sad that they put the 9 year old in the middle of it by asking her to lie!

It seems like people quickly forget that preemies are still delicate even after they are discharged from the hospital. It is so maddening to constantly have to defend yourself as a parent!!

Good luck!

elliephant

Obviously, these are people you cannot trust. Unfortunately, they are your relatives.
It sounds like your attitudes toward illness are at opposite ends of the spectrum and you are going to just have to agree to disagree. It doesn't sound like it will be possible for you to watch her kids and any time you are together socially you will have ensure that you have an exit stratagy. She will not change for you, so either you will have to accept her behavior or stand up for your own.

charlenefron

Unfortunately these people have betrayed your trust. I think you are all beating to the sound of a different drummer. You have been burned too many times to continue the way things have been going. If it were me I'd stop babysitting her children (sick or not) and realize that your daughter comes first and babysitting other kids isn't a good option for a preemie who's medical team feels she should be kept away from germs until age 3! For me, that would have been enough information and I would have never agreed to babysit in the first place. Don't let them guilt you into doing things you don't feel comfortable doing. I'll bet they have dropped hints here and there about finances and the fact that BOTH of them NEED to go to work and since your "home" with your daughter it makes sense that you'd help watch the kids. In reality (family or not) THEY are the parents and chose to have those three children. Your "aunt" duties are not parental duties. Instead of using daycare (where they send sick kids home) they should consider hiring someone to come into their home to watch the kids. I know you must love your niece and nephews, but I'm afraid you'll have to keep your distance for a while and concentrate (exclusively) on your own child's health.

BarbaraK2U

I can understand why you're upset. It stinks when other people can't or won't respect your rules. However, it's very difficult for adults to have other people's rules imposed on them. For some reason, they almost always think to themselves that the rules don't apply to them. I can't explain why, but it's just a phenomenon I've noticed.

That said, if you feel your daughter is not handling these illnesses well, then you need to batten down the hatches and isolate her as best as you can. In so doing, you need to understand that your family is going to feel insulted. If you think your daughter can withstand the illnesses, I'd keep the status quo, but ask that anyone coming into your home at least stop and use some hand sanitizer in case they're carrying any sicknesses with them.

Try to remember that you can't change people no matter how hard you try, so the situation isn't likely to change. All you can do is decide which course of action you want to take and implement it calmly. No matter what you do, someone isn't going to be happy: either you'll be frustrated and upset or your family will be offended and angry.

Good luck with your decision, and I wish your daughter much good health! :-)

emsmom

Some people are just phenomenally self centered aren't they??? I agree with all the other posts here and if I were you I would be beyond angry. Some people just don't get it and worse don't even try! Your number one job is to protect your daughter and it sure sound like you've done an amazing job this far. It's easy to give advice for those of us outside of the situation but I really think you might want to consider no longer watching their child. You can certainly be diplomatic about it - tell them that with winter coming you know you won't be able to watch her anymore and give them a firm time frame for when you will stop - maybe 2 weeks to a month. If they become angry with you print out a copy of all these responses and let them see what parents in the preemie world think.
Good Luck!!!

RevazMom

I agree with Michealesmom. I really think that they should feel the consquences of their actions. You should stick to what you believe and if there is any sign of illness, just say I can't take care of your child. Even if they say it's allergies, just say you can't take a chance. You are doing them a huge favor by taking care of thier kids and they are completely taking advantage of you and taking you for granted.
Also, how can an adult teach a child to lie??!!! That is really over-the-top.
Good luck!
Palak

NateAndTimsMom

First, I would get your baby's dr to write on a prescription pad, "Due to (prematurity or whatever) (daughter's name) cannot be around people who are ill or who may be carrying disease causing bacteria or viruses. Such exposure could cause (daughter's name) to (be hospitalized or whatever)." Talk to your baby's ped and I'm sure the dr can think of something to write. Make yourself lots of copies and hand them to people as needed. Second, you are not babysitting anymore! Flat out tell her no. She has no boundaries with you and it obviously isn't working. If you need to, just be gone from your house when she might be bringing a kid by. Third, if you take her kids anywhere or they ever come over, take a good look at everyone and say good-bye if you think one of them is sick. She lied so how can you trust her? Be consistent and never say, "oh, just this once" because she expect many "just this once"es. You need to get your husband behind you! If necessary, have him do the talking! Be strong, be firm, and set very firm boundaries!

Bellasmom1

Thank you to all you ladies for taking time to read and respond, I really appreciate everyone's comments. I have called her today and left her a message that I will no longer be babysitting and that my daughter is now sick once again. I'm sure we will be talking tonight about it more in detail. I agree with every poster that this deal of me baby sitting can no longer go on because I can not trust them and my daughter is my number one priority, always has been always will be. Talking with her about this will probably not be a plesant thing to do but from the comments I have read on here will help me follow through.
Oh and just a side note, yes she has told me over and over that they are having financial trouble and day care is alot of money but at least they get two incomes because I could not go back to work after my daughter was born because I couldn't expose her to germs. So we have had to adjust to the loss of income and that has not been easy at all, we are still having difficulty. Also I was keeping him without pay. I figured my daughter could enjoy getting to have a friend and get to spend time with her cousins because through the winter she can't be around them because they are sooooo sick all the time. It really makes me sad, the whole situation and like I told my husband last night it would have been so different if they wouldn't have disrespected us in that way and disregarded my daughter's health. It would have been different if they would have been honest and let me make the desision. Gesh I thought it would get a little easier once she got a little older but these same issues keep popping up. Anyways, THANK YOU ALL!!! so much and I will post again to let you all know how things go after talking to her tonight!
Kim

kaebaby

Kim,

OMG I got angry myself reading your post. I cannot tolerate ignorance the least bit. I am so sorry that you are having these issues with family. Family is supposed to be the one group of people that should understand what you are going through and try to help. I know a couple of my family members have a problem understanding and there is no explanation that can make them see what you have gone through. It is amazing that their kids are that sick and they still send them! I agree with everyone on here that you need to stop the babysitting because your little one is number one! I hope your daughter recovers with great speed!

MBA

It is too bad that it came to that, but it is good you put your foot down. They don't even have any regard for their own daughter's health if they are sending her out on a day trip when she is clearly sick & should have been at home resting! If they don't have regard for her health, there is no way that they will have any concern for YOUR daughter's health. It is just too bad that they put you in that position - they forced you to make that decision for your daughter's sake. It isn't going to be easy to have the discussion with them. I doubt that they will understand.

msweet248

You are a great Mom and you will do the right thing. If I have learned one thing since having a 24 weeker it is that unless you have a preemie you can not possibly understand what it is like to have a preemie. From having to stay away from everyone during the winter, to holding your breath everytime you set your baby on that scale praying that they have at least gain a ounce, to counting every bite and calorie that enters their mouth and cry everytime they throw the meal you just worked so hard to get in them up.

The most important thing is you, your husband, and your baby. Everytime you start to feel guilty about telling someone "no" Remember looking at your baby in the NICU and everything your baby and you have gone through and it will make telling people where to and go fast to get there alot easier.

We were picked to have these special preemies because we CAN handle the stress. Your a GREAT MOM and maybe one day we will be able to take a deep breath and look back all of this and what we all go through and smile knowing that we made it through it hard part.

Michelle

N_in_NC

I am so sorry you are going through this with a family member. The situation is not easy or comfortable, any way you look at it. My advice is to stay away, discontinue taking care of their child(ren), and practice tough love for the sake of the health and well-being of your own child. If you do not *enforce* your rules with your SIL, you will never solve your problem or show her you mean business. You know that she's already been dishonest once. Right?

Do not feel guilty about wanting to protect your family, not to mention, keeping your stress level low. You can always "pass the buck and blame the doctor" if you feel it would take you out of the equation. You can say, "my doctor firmly told me to keep my child away from others who are sick..." etc. It may be hard, but it works. I had to use this approach to protect our preemie from both family members and prying/grabbing strangers, as well. Once I had to keep the carseat in-between my legs on the ground, fully covered, with my hand outstretched in a "no" sign, while standing in line at the pharmacy, while an unsavory and rude woman literally tried to get her hands all over the baby. Unbelievable!

Best of luck!

Mama_Cyndi

OK..One thing I have either learned very fast or have developed a welcome neurosis to, is that I don't care who I make mad..I refuse to put Casey at risk by exposing him to anything/anyone that even remotely looks dirty/sick. Most of my family completely understands. My mother, I have to remind of things, but I think it's more because she is in the beginning stages of altzheimers (totally different insane story..lol). At this moment, my entire family is 400 miles away going to my neice's graduation for Practical Nursing, I absolutely hate that I'm missing it because she has worked so hard, but I couldn't chance it. Luckily, she loves Casey so much she called to tell me that she didn't expect me to bring him and expose him to the crowd, etc and she'd get a friend to take lots of pictures for me. I believe that your neices and nephews will totally understand why you can't have the baby around them, if you can grab a face mask and sit down and explain it to them. Kids are way more understanding and accomodating than adults sometimes. I don't know what to say about the people in your family who have already been told over and over what risks your child faces. I understand it takes some getting used to for people who are brand new to the preemie experience..but geez, you've explained to them several times. I think it might be time for you to just refuse to help or be around any of them until your little one is older. After all..they have refused to take your childs best interests to heart..so maybe they don't deserve a "family get together" relationship right now.

morticia701

i agree with many of the other responses i have read--when your child is a preemie--you go through what may seem to others as "paranoia"--i dare say if the situation was turned around and it was THEIR child...their attitudes would be much different! you do what you must to protect YOUR child, and as harsh as it may seem, screw everyone else. my son just turned one (actual) and TO THIS DAY--NO ONE comes through my door and touches him without first using germ-x!!!

donnagorsch

Hi there! I just wanted to add some support to the discussion and a few words that may (or may not) help as you explain and deal with family. Before doing that, let me just say that you are doing all the right things here, so I wanted to support your efforts. Please understand, I'm in no way trying to defend them, just trying to help... I think it may help if you keep in your mind, at all times, that they just do NOT understand! Clearly. That's the bottom line, and they may not EVER understand your situation, so you just have to remember that and not worry about trying to get them to understand. Second, I wanted to let you know, not that this applies here, but kids are the MOST contagious the 24 hours BEFORE showing ANY signs of sickness. This is a medical fact that you can share with them... Fact: if you're gonna keep kids, yours is gonna get sick, even IF they stay home when sick. So, even if they did all the right things by keeping them home when sick, yours would still get sick. Tell family that your MD said, "NO more baby sitting!" That's really all you have to say. Don't frustrate yourself trying to get them to understand (that's why I started with the idea that they will not really be able to understand). Try to plan social events with family that involve all adults participating only (a trip to a museum involves their parents too). Stick to your guns with this! Stay social, polite, calm, pleasant (Sorry SIL that you AND your daughter cannot join us to go to the museum....). Remember that, no matter what you say, you cannot control what they do but you can control your child's exposure and environment. Remember the basic facts about contagious illness (the 24 hour rule). And, above all, remember that you are doing the right thing and they do not need to understand (nor can they, really). And, by the way, their financial situation is none of your creating so you don't have to solve it for them. Sometimes when we try to "help" someone, it actually "helps" them to make things worse as they begin to rely on your "help." So, stay clear, not your problem. Taking care of your own little girl is all you really need to worry about. I hope some of this helps...?

Nevaeh-113

Girl I just read your post. It is not your fault your sister should of told you and not left it up to the nine year old. They asked her to lie about being sick and not only is that bad but why would you send any kid you know is sick to a public place like that when they should be resting. Do not blame your self. Day cares will tell parents to take sick kids home for a reason. Usually by then they germs are already spread in a day care. You and me both know how hard it can be when these guys get sick and Bella and Madison are a handful. If my family or friends brought their kids around knowing they were sick I would be very upset. I am lucky enough that no one will come around even if its the sniffles. It sounds like instead of calling you and the doctors crazy they need to concentrate on keeping their kids well. Im sorry Kim I just cant believe she did that to you, I am sorry. Let me know how Bella is doing. Me and Madison send her Big Hugs and Kisses (healthy ones :-) )

CallysMommy

I'm sorry to say, but this is the problem when both parents work. I understand that it has to happen sometimes, but why even have children if you can't spend time with them, stick them in a day care only for them to constantly get sick, and infect other children? It's not right what she's doing, and she doesn't get a clue because she doesn't care, plain and simple. My baby had rsv two times and had to be put on a nebulizer. There is nothing wrong with objecting taking care of sick children...and the whole, "it's allergies" thing is a lie to cover it up. She should've apologized for making your child sick..That's just plain wrong. You tell her that if your child gets very ill how would she feel for being responsible for that? I had to tell some people this, that if they are carrying germs do they really want to be responsible for making Cally sick? If she can't get a point, then you need to limit your time with them. My daughter isn't even vaccinated, and I won't even let her stay in the nursery at church. It's your duty to protect your own child.

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