Happy First Birthday Lakai

I can't believe a year has already passed, it doesn't seem real in so many ways. But in so many good and bad ways, it is. It was a year ago today you were born. If I said your birth was a thing of pure joy only, I would be lying. Of course while there was joy and happiness, it was also marked with terror and some sadness.

We had to make choices quickly about what we wanted to do when you were born, everyone wanted to know what would happen after. So did we. It was life or death and no in between. The choice was easy, though it was still wrought with doubt and uncertainty. You had to live. There was just no other choice, the decision was made.

It was impossible at the beginning, you were so small and seemed so weak and yet we all knew you weren't really. You were and are the strongest person I have ever known, and probably ever will. The saying holds true to you...that its not the size of dog, its size of the fight in the dog.

Looks truly are deceiving.

When they told us the news about your brain bleed, we were so scared. There was so much bad news all at once, it was hard to take it all in. I usually just let it roll over me, like a wave... but I was steadfast in my resolve. You were going to be ok, regardless of stats and other cases. You are my son, not some number or percentage. You are my son.

As the months went on, it was easier every day though there was always a bump in the road..it was hard to get settled into anything. As the home stretch neared it seemed so surreal that you would be coming home any day. It always felt like the night I left you when I was discharged, I cried all the way home in the car...I didn't care who heard me, my eyes cried the tears my heart could not. I can barely type these words without tears welling up in my eyes, I cannot ever express the deep emotional pain I felt when I left you. Every time I left you..behind. Nothing has or ever will hurt me that deeply again.

And yet the day did come when you came home, March 9, 2009. I will forever remember that day, I couldn't believe you were actually going to be our baby...our family was complete and whole.

I was whole.

To say I was broken in some ways before meeting you would be to say it lightly, I had a lot of flaws and a lot of broken parts. I was not whole before you made me complete.

After getting you home, sure life wasn't always easy, you are my son after all....so there have been scares along the way.

But as I type this I am listening to you breath beside me, what a joyous sound indeed. And I still cannot believe we made you. You are perfect in every way, you are a miracle and the best parts of both your Dad and I.

To say I am proud of you would be an understatement. Saying I love you is not even close to enough.

You are the reason I smile every day, you are the reason even the darkest morning is worth getting up to, you are the reason my heart beats, the reason my soul smiles and the reason I feel finally at peace.

Your beginning will shape who you are now and in the future, but it will never hold you back.

You are my son, and today is your birthday. And you have made my life complete by choosing me to be your mom.

I love you Lakai. You are my heart.


Before....



And now....



Birthday Photos!

Then and now videos...sorry there are so many FB wouldn't let me upload it as one video, neither would any other site...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=170345396637

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=170353736637

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=170946231637

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=171054266637

And just because this is sooo cute...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=171718101637

Also we had our 8 month Neonatal Follow up Clinic appointment and Lakai did beautifully! He was assessed at 10 months (on the Bayley assessment) across the boards, except for expressive language and that was only due to his paralyzed vocal cord!!

Sorry for the super long post!