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GRIEVING

kane060309
2 Recommendations

I dont know how to deal with the death of my baby boy kane. I am going to see a counselor for the first time today and I am so nervous. Just when i think I am accepting the fact that he is gone I take a turn for the worst. The past four days have been hell. I havent wanted to do anything and all I wanna do is sit on my sofa and sulk. For the past four days I relive every moment from the time I went into the hospital to the time we buried our son. I still blame myself for what happened to him and I feel my husband and I are growing further apart bc of me. He doesnt like to hear me blame myself and he gets upset with me when I do. He doesnt talk much to me about the death of our son and he says that theres nothing to say and that if he wants to talk about it he will. I am trying to understand that everyone grievs differently and he is just doing it in his own way and I have to be respectful of that. Just wondering if anyone has some advice for me.

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21 replies

Yolonda

I dont know if I have advice, but I do share your same impossible journey. I am 9 months into my journey and what I have learned so far is this: this path that I am on will forever run concurrently with whatever path I am on for the rest of my life. I will never, ever tell anyone again that time heals all wounds because I simply dont believe that anymore. I think time gives us the strength to live with our wound, but we will never be healed. I will not grieve on anyone elses time table as grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith, it is the high price of love. Nine months later, that raw pain that you feel right now all day every day does become more manageable. Instead of it being there gnawing at you every waking moment, now it is just a moment in my day. If that makes any sense. For me, there are good days, but everyday have a bad moment or 2 or 3 or 4 in it.

Blogging has helped me tremendously. It is something very releleasing and almost healing about writing out your feelings. I mean writing from your heart of hearts. I've learned in doing this, I dont have to worry about anyone expressing their "well meaning" feelings and the people who want to know how I am feeling and just what something like this does to a person can read all about it.

What I have learned regarding my husband is...yes he does grieve differently than I do, and his main concern right now is me and my well being. Men are programmed to fix it. There isnt a wish or desire I have that my husband doesnt try to fulfill. He cant fix this. I actually try to give my husband the opportunity to talk about it if he would like to, but dont pressure him if he doesnt.

Counseling...I have not tried one on one but I have been to group and it wasnt for me. I thought I needed to be around people who are sharing my experience but what ended up happening is it was too much for my heart to take because everyone in there has lost a child or children and it was just too much. I was seeking understanding....I went to church talked to my pastor and not even my faith was providing the comfort that I needed (thank you Nancy). In the end, I have realized there is no quick fix. All the understanding and acceptance in the world is not going to stop your heart from wanting him, your eyes from yearning to see him, nor your arms from aching to hold him.

I will tell you, what I tell myself daily at some point...be gentle with yourself, take it one day at a time, one second at a time if you need to because baby steps are okay and breath through the moments.

It may take many years and an ocean of tears but you, me, and every other angel parent will eventually get to the other side.

If you ever need someone to talk to, cry with you, scream with you, listen to you please feel free to send me an email at yctoney@netscape.net. Also if you want to read my blog, you can at myspace.com/ytoney. My page is public so you dont have to be a member of myspace to read. I know I have read many angelmoms blogs before and it is something very comforting and even healing in reading the words of another angelmom. So many times I have related and even felt validated in my feelings. When you have people constantly telling you what you should be feeling, and what you should be doing and the "your child is in a better place" phrase coming at you, you need to know that you are not wrong in feeling like what better place for my child than in my arms.

Sorry this was so long, I just wanted you to really know you are not along and if you ever want to talk and not just email, let me know and I will pm you my phone number.

Take good care,
Yolonda
Angel D'Lon Grace Mommy

ShellyNel

I cannot speak to the loss of a child, I have not been there. But as a therapist, I can tell you what you are going through are normal grief reactions. Remember that when you go for the counseling, it is for you, to help you. You go for release, and to see what other interventions can help you to move forward. And it is good that you see that your husband grieves differently. He must also see that you grieve in your own way as well. Be sure to tell the therapist about the complications in communication that are happening in your marriage. I agree with Yolanda, you set up a new normal, but you never completely heal from any loss. It simply becomes a part of you, of your story. I will hold you in my prayers.

elizabean

I have a few suggestions to share:

One thing that really helped me is writing in a journal. I've lost two daughters, one being the twin of my surviving 24weeker. I would just let it all out, tell them how much I miss them, how my day was, asked if they were playing together in heaven, and cry my heart out. For some reason my therapist said that actually writing out your feelings and thoughts is more theraputic that typing it.

She also had me write a letter telling my first daughter I lost goodbye and then had me read it to her. That was very hard, but made it all seem more real.

Ok, this is pretty silly but really made me feel better and even laugh. Someone from my support group for the loss of one or more multiple shared this with me. Write an angry letter saying everything you want to say to a certain person but never would say. I wrote a letter to my OB, GOD, and the entire world and told them how angry I was and why. Irrational or not.

Those are some ideas that seemed to be helpful. Your loss is still very fresh, just remember there is no time limit on grieving and it's ok to put yourself first in this vulnerable stage.

All my best,

lalacakes

You received some really good advice from the ladies above. I am not sure that I have anything to add but I can tell you that I had been going to a counselor before I lost my son and was able to meet with her right after my son died and while my other son was still in the NICU. It has been extrememly helpful if for no other reason than she doesn't try to make me better, she listens to me and validates my feelings. I guess that is what I need - not someone telling me how to get over it. I don't believe that it is something that you "get over." I have learned to live with my grief and it rears its ugly head some days and other days I think of my sweet baby Samuel and smile and am happy that he was in my life even though it was so brief. I am coming up on the second anniversary of the birth of my twins and this time of year last year was hard. Eveything came back to me - learning that something was wrong with Samuel, all the testing that we had done, etc. This year it isn't as hard, I am dealing with the memories a little better but there is still some pain and heartbreak over what I don't have. You are so new to this and the feelings are so raw but they will become less raw and in time you will adjust to this life you now have. I know how much you don't want this life, how much you want your son back...I wish I could be there with you to give you a big hug. If you would like to email me let me know and I will give you my email address. Give yourself lots of time - work on your own schedule. There is no magic time period that says when you are suppossed to be healed!

Angel13008

I dont know how much advice I could lend it has been 7 months since we lost heidi. Everyday I wake up I pass her room might be weird sometimes I go in her room and I talk to her. I understand what you mean when you say that your husband and you are grwoing apart. It was the samme for me my husband was able tp accept the fact that she was gone but I still struggle with it day to day . Remember God will get you through this rough time but you have to give the chance too. After losing heidi we got involed with church again . That has helped alot. If you ever want to talk we all are here for you .

kane060309

Thank you to everyone for your replies. They help alot. Just knowing i am not the only one that is going through this helps alot and all of your suggestions help me through this difficult time. I know time will heal all and I will never forget him I will just adjust to him being gone. Thank you all again.

Yolonda

Take it day by day sweetie. Thank you for your sweet message and again, if you ever need to talk, I am here just like so many others. You are definately not alone, although I hate that any of us are a part of this "club".

Take good care!
Yolonda
Angel D'Lon Grace Mommy

wndrlndchick

On July 31st its going to be 4 months since I lost my baby Juan...he was 19 days old. I still cry...still blame myself for what happened and lately my husband and I have been arguing everyday. Im still taking it day by day and the idea of adjusting to him not being here went out the window...I know we grieve diffrently and I hope one day you can adjust but it is definitely hard and im here for u when wou wanna talk..

My email is wndrlndchick@tmail.com if u need someone to talk to.

IansMommy

It's NOT your fault! You did everything you could do. There is nothing you could have done differently. I'm upset that you blame yourself too :)

You need to find support in your husband, you two are supposed to be a team. He loves you. Just go to him and tell him to just hold you so you can have a good cry. Let him know how you feel, what you want, so he can understand. Make a plan with him, what's next?

You need to go to the counselor and cry your heart out. Tell him everything. They are an ear for you to talk to. I also like the journal idea.

This was the best advice I was given after my first love died and I was falling into depression:
You can't lay around forever. You need to go out and live each day for them. Experience everything for them.

My DH mom died after a routine surgery a year to the day before my son was born. We used to go out and do things that she would have liked to do. Also she always wanted me to switch to their church, so after she passed I did.

vskpd

I am so sorry for you loss. I lost one of my little ones almost 2 years ago (we had twin boys). My son is almost going to be 2 in August. The pain is always there. I have truly never grieved the death of my son. I had to be strong for his brother and make sure that he thrived. I think about him everyday and I have good days and bad days. People don't seem to understand that you can LOVE your little guy so much, even if he was here for just a few days. They expect you to "get over it". I think its time for me to start talking about my son and my experience. Next week I will be going to a Compassionate Friends meeting. I am posting a link. Check it out. Watch the video. It might help to go to a meeting. You are in my prayers and know you are not alone. Your baby will ALWAYS be special. http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

Avagrandma

Our family lost twin girls in March of 2006 and we still grieve for them. I have learned the following from this experience: when you love someone and they die, you will always miss them, that the acute pain you go through does subside but, the tears you shed can roll out of your eyes at anytime, even years later. The best thing is talking about them. We do not act like Sierra and Syndey never existed but give them a place in our lives just like we give to grandparents and other family members who have died. For my daughter in law, I made a scrapbook of their short lives so she could look at it when she wanted to do. Anyone who has gone through this understands that it is hard and so, I ask you to grieve when you need to, find someone to talk to, the counselor is such a good idea. I pray and will continue to pray that you be given the strength to go through this. I am so very, very sorry that this has happened to you. Stay strong

Yolonda

Thank you Avagrandma...I always wondered what it was going to be like when I am marking time in years not months as I do now. It's good to hear that 2 years 10 years from now, that there will be times when the thought of my loss is going to take my breath away just like it was yesterday...and I am going to cry...and that's okay.

You are so right about the scrapbook. I collected over 1200 pictures of my daughter in her 3 years and I wanted to put something together from each year but I couldnt bring myself to do it, because I couldn't really look at the pictures. My sister in law made me a scrap book too, as well as a dvd/cd slide show of her pictures set to music. 9 Months later, I still have not looked at either one, but I know they are both there waiting on me when I am ready.

Yolonda
Angel D'Lon Grace Mommy

mackenziestory

Wow. I get goosebumps wheen I read ur responses. I don't know if I told u. I lost myy son 3 months old to SIDS. Not to mention the first 6 weeks he wass sick from his chf thatt I sorta gave him from a virus called coxsackie virus type b. He was a fighter came home and did everything u would expect. Than to loose a fight with sleep itt was devastattiing. That was jan5 2008. Sometimes. Itt seems like yesterday. My fiancé AT&T the time wasn't even with me. He broke upp with me a montth before. Itt was his only son. We got back fogether after the funerral. In the begining. He couldn't talk about lilttle Terrance. He got mad at me when i cried. Tthat was hard. Somehow. We got past the hardest part. Since then we lost a22 weeker due to my incompentent cervix. That was on my birthday aug 13 now we r again struggling witth my newest bundle o joy. Born july 2. 27weeker. 1lb 15 ounces. She is on the vent developed an infection but doing ok. The other night. He just burst out crying. I told him not go do that. I couldnt console. I didn't know how to. But inside I wantedd to cry. U know itt seems like some meen can deal witth all things good butt when sometthing is wrong they have to find away tto cope it's like theeir defense mechanism. I say all these b/c. U and ur husband can gett through In someway. Try to not force the way u feel on h and expect him to feel the same way. Although thatt might very well be the case. Take iit daily. U will never get overr losing Kane. U will accept it. Thatts the stages of grieve. And it's loke fingerprints We all do itt in different ways. Try real hard to take good care of urr family. Kane iis ur alls personal guardian angel. Ask god to send ho
him back in a spiritual way. He will.

elizabean

I wanted to share a wonderful website that has a memorial music library with songs for grief and loss. My last loss was over 3.5 years ago, and it is still painful, especially when I feel the entire world has moved on except for me. (even my husband who told me he is at peace with it all) But daily I miss my girls and wonder what life would be like if they were here, if Carter could grow up with his twin sister and how that loss will effect him in the future. Mostly holidays and anniversaries get to me the most. Anyways, I love this website, especially "Held" by Natalie Grant

http://www.memorialmusiclibrary.com/01child.html

Natalie Grant - Held
From the album Awaken

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To Think That Providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Were asking...
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

Chorus:

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior

Bailormom6

My sons (stillborn) have been gone for 4 years now. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss them. This time of year is the most bittersweet for me because as we are mourning their death we are also celebrating thier birth and that of their surviving brothers. It has become normal for us to go to the cemetary on their birthday/anniversary of their death and place balloons, flowers, and toys on thier birthday and then go home and celebrate our survivors. In the beginning I took it moment to moment. It never heals, you just learn to cope. These ladies have all given you wonderful advice.

I have made it normal for my sons (and their younger sister) to talk about their brothers. They are as much a part of our family as my 3 living children. My DH doesn't grieve the way I do, and there have been times that we have been at opposite ends, but we have worked though each time and no doubt will continue for the rest of our lives. This has changed so much of who we are as people and we will never be the people we were before we were touched by our children's precious lives.

For us, we have things we place at the boys grave for each holiday. When the kids get Easter baskets at our house, the boys get Easter baskets for their grave. Christmas, we place ornaments on the tree with all the children's names. The boys also get a decorated tree and a toy and stockings at their grave. Valentine's day is a heart flag and garland. We seriously decorate their grave for all the holidays, even St. Pat's. We take pictures of the stone decorated too. I know that sounds really nuts, but it helps me.

You will be in my prayers.

shermanmr

Your e-mail really touched me. We we have a surviving twin Rebecca and we lost her sister Lauren at birth -both were born at 26 weeks. I began seeing a therapist shortly after the girls were born. I didn't feel like I could survive. Our daughter was in the NICU for 3.5 months and my husband is a physician. So he went into overdrive in terms of understanding all the tests, complications, medications etc and I focused on caring for our daughter and 2.5 y/o son at home while being in a fog of grief. Now it is almost three years later and the grief has eased. It still is tremendously painful when I see twins but birthdays and holidays have gotten easier to celebrate. Sometimes it amazes me how much in pain I can feel and other times I am amazed at how good life feels. Sorrow and Joy can really exist side by side.
My husband and I grieved SO differently and really in the last year I feel like things have gotten easier for me and in the last year is when the grief really hit him. There are studies that say that men begin to grieve over the loss of a child up to 4 months later than their wives. We have really tried to give each what we need no matter how different it was from what we were feeling. It has been a long road but one that has gotten easier. Please take care
Michelle

dany

My heart goes to to you all that lost your little angels, I was very close to lose my baby girl her chances of survival were minimal. I have prayed many nights to God to take me instead of her...
I am just gonna pray for you and your little angels it's hard it always be hard and that gap in your heart will be there forever , because part of your heart went with your baby , is not something that you will "get over" ( how insensitive is that advise) because that angel will be your baby forever . you'll never stop loving him you can not....But that's good suppose to be like this i think because no metter what you still his mother and that love connection never dies. Look at the bright side at least you got a chance to know him even for a short time , you hold him , he felt loved by you, and maybe God felt his pain and send the mercy angel to get him to heal him . I know is not fair and you feel broken but talk about him this will keep him alive , he lives in you and in the souls of people that love him. My Gradma ( God rest her soul) used to celebrate my Grandpa birthday every year and used to go to a nursinghome to give some gifts to other more unfortunate old people and she said this was my Grandfather gift on his birthday because he's gonna get it in heaven where he is. She teached me to honor the loved ones that passed away and doing so i fell close to them.I do the same every year i give a gift to Grandma and i know she smiles to me from Heaven. Just talk about your baby, go to an orphanige and give some toys or candys in his name, Honor him baptising another baby boy with your baby's name keep his memory alive and talk to him when gets hard along the road and have no doubt his gonna be waiting for you to the end of your journey .....
God bless you all.....

mnicole

I know what you are going through we lost our baby last year he was a 25 weeker, survived 5 weeks. Men handle it different,my s/o didnt want to talk about it or want pictures up, but i had to have pictures up to see dylan everyday. My advice would be to let him grieve in his own way, im sure he is there for you. Give it time and it will be easier to talk with him about your little one. For yourself i KNOW there is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel "better". People will be scared to talk about your baby, but you need to talk about him iit will help he did have life. And a hard life but he is your kid. We now have another baby in the nicu and we still talk about our dylan all the time. He was our angel and a little fighter who wouldnt want to brag about that!

Melina26

omg! your e-mail has touch me so hard all the memories came back to me in a flash..........
my baby girl was born at 24 weeks with a severe bleeding in the brain after talking to doctors we decited to drop life support.. and I still cry for her every nite and its been 3 years since shes been gone I know what are you going thru but you need to take care of your self and give some time to your husband to heal, the loss of our baby camila made us closer together and after 3 years we now have baby gabriela she was born at 26 weeks but she is doing really good since she was born now she is 47 weeks or 7 weeks old and she does look like her little angel camila and I know camila is gone is spirit, but god send her back in gabriela. be strong

mtr

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my baby when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant last March. Two things that you mentioned struck a cord with me 1. that you and your husband are dealing with things differently, this seems to be one of the fundamental differences I have noticed b/w men and women; men try and put things behind them so quickly and not focus on the pain. Women on the other hand we like to torture ourselves and dwell on the pain. And 2. Women we also like to torture oursleves with guilt. No matter what happend we love to blame ourselves. I also did that and ran through the scenario of what happened to me a million times and what if I did this or that. And I realized that it happened and I couldn't do anything to stop it and I have to be able to live with that b/c some things we can't control. And so I am going to try and focus on the future, even though I still cry about the past. I wish you all the best, and it seems that we are not alone in our pain.

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