Does this guilt ever go away?

dannysmom
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Hello everyone, I'm new here and I'm a new mommy. My baby was born on April 11, 2008 at 31 weeks. He had severe IUGR and weighted only 1lb 15oz.

Lately, I've been driving myself crazy with the thought that I did something wrong during my pregnancy. Sorry this is a little long and thanks for reading.

This baby was unplanned and very unexpected. I've always had a very irregular menstrual cycle so I never thought I was pregnant until someone at work mentioned to me that my breasts got big and asked if I'm pregnant. I took two pregnancy tests but the lines were so faint I was still suspicious. I went to the doctor and was very surprised to find out I was 21 weeks along. I never had any symptoms, no nausea, no dizziness, nothing except painfull consistent heartburn. We were very excited about the pregnancy and dived right in. I was eating healthy, excercising, getting lots of rest, reading every pregnancy book out there... and LOVING pregnancy! Everything was fine at all my appointments until about 31 weeks. I went to my appointment and the doctor listened to the baby's heartbeat and said everything was ok, and that was going to be it (no ultrasound necessary). I mentioned to her that I haven't felt the baby move as much for the last day or two, and she did an ultrasound and asked me if I felt any leaking. I hadn't... I hadn't felt anything, no pain, no leaking, nothing. She said there was almost no fluid around the baby and to go the hospital right away. I was admitted to L&D and I was given a lot of fluids and I wasn't allowed to get up even to go to the bathroom. At first, they weren't sure what happened since there was no sign of amniotic fluid leakage. They thought it might be a hormonal problem ( I wasn't producing fluid). I was not dialated at all and I wasn't having any contractions. I was told I would be in the hospital on complete bedrest for atleast a month until the baby was born. I was given shots to help mature his lungs. After three days in the hospital, the ultrasound showed that some amniotic fluid had accumulated around the baby. And then, after peeing in the bedpan, I felt my bottom getting wet. It was a rush of liquid and at first I thought the bedpan spilled onto the bed because i didn't feel anything. They tested the liquid and it was in fact amniotic fluid. So my amniotic sac had ruptured (PROM) and they couldn't tell me why. They said "sometimes it just happens". At the time, the doctors said we would still wait another month. Then, my baby's heartbeat became unstable. It would drop and sometimes it would return to normal and sometimes they had to shift me for it to return to normal. They said that the baby kept moving on top of the umbelical cord and it would restrict the blood flow. After a few hours of this, at midnight that night, the nurses burst into my room and said the baby needs to come out. It was the scariest time of my life. Luckily, my husband would sleep in the hospital with me so he was there to comfort me. They rushed me to the delivery room and my baby was delived by c-section within an hour. I had just one look at him until the took him away. He was so tiny but a fighter.

To this day, I wonder what caused the PROM. I keep thinking it's my fault since I did alot of wrong things before I knew I was pregnant... (lifted heavy objects, moved furniture, fell a number of times during ice skating, was very stressed, mainly from work, had bad sleeping habits and just didn't take care of myself in general). Someone at work commented that something must be wrong with me because I didn't feel anything was wrong and I didn't feel the leaking. That bothered me alot. I can't help but feel inadequate in some way. I can't help but feel like a failure. I don't know why this happened and I am terrified to think about another pregnancy. I just wish I knew how to prevent this the next time, obviously I would avoid all the no no's I did the first time while I didn't know I was pregnant, but I still can't bring myself to relax.

Any similar situations out there? Does the fear and the guilt every go away?

10 replies

jturner1228

First of all don't blame yourself or let anyone tell you there must be something wrong with you. I didn't feel any contractions or anything wrong. I did start spotting, nothing heavy or bad, but since I hadn't spotted at all and was 26 weeks along they told me to go in to have it checked. They did an ultrasound as a precaution and next thing I know nurses are running around, putting my bed head down and sticking me with needles, etc, etc. They told me that I was dilated to a 4, maybe 5, and there were membranes in my cervix. They were showing contractions of my uterus on the monitor but I never felt them. They gave me mag to stop the contractions but Peyton was born less than 24 hours later at 26 weeks. I hardly ever felt a thing, including after the gave me meds to increase my contactions because I was fully dilated and either I had to push him out or have a c-section but his heart rate was strong so they really wanted to keep me out of surgery. Afterwards they told me that I had an incompetent cervix but no one really knows what causes that or why. I spent weeks feeling like my body had rejected my own baby and that it was all my fault. But he is now a healthy happy 2 year old and I've finally realized that it wasn't my fault. This was how it was meant to be and that I am stronger and better for having been thru it. While we have decided against any more children because of the risks but that is a personal choice for us and we weren't sure we were going to have children and if we did we never planned on more than 1 or 2.

They are fighters and they are amazing! It does get better so hang in there.

Jodie

DiVaughn

Amniotic fluid really can just disappear. Mine did! There's nothing wrong with you for not noticing a "leak" that never happened. I too went into the hospital to try to build fluid back up...but ended up having to have a c-section at 9am the next day because the baby was in distress. I knew I was pregnant and took good care of myself...I did trip and take a little spill out in the yard, and I was in a minor car accident when a woman who wasn't looking pulled out and broadsided me in a parking lot...but something like this isn't really understood. If you PROM'd while on strict bedrest in the hospital, then there's probably nothing else that could have been done!

Guilt is a natural part of the grief process. At some point you will find yourself able to let go of what you might have done and you'll start looking forward. I will never find out why my fluid was so low, it was a textbook pregnancy, my water never broke and I was never in labor, but here I am in the preemie group anyway!

socsmurf

I had a rather not so fun pregnancy and I still blame myself I did not gain weight (I had bad morning sickness), I was placed on hormones due to low hormones, I spotted I fell, I ended up on bed rest for 6 weeks, Jude was born around 34 weeks - we have had many issues considering he birth weight and age he still has some delay\s. I still have guilt but it has changed over time. I did not get him in IE early enough, we do not play with little kids enough should see nero sooner.

I think in many societies gulit is part of motherhood be it right or wrong.

treem0m

It's really hard to let go of guilt, especially when you want an answer for what happened. a why. it's so much easier to blame yourself because at least you have that. My daughter was born at 25 1/2 weeks after a totally non- eventful pregnancy. I went into labor, I'm guessing, sometime the night before. Her dad kept asking me if I was ok, annoying me really because I felt fine. I just felt constipated. When i woke up the next morning I wanted to poop really bad but couldn't. Essentially I was having contractions and never thought that's what it could be. I went to work, called my dr, hung around for at least a few hours THEN finally went to the E.R. When I got to the hospital I was fully dialated with a bulging sack. They wouldn't let me walk two feet because they said I would have dropped her right out of me.... and there I was at work running to the bathroom, PUSHING. I felt like, if i would have gone in when her dad noticed me 'looking funny' I could have saved some time in the womb for her, maybe an extra day or two.

But I realized, after 3 months of sitting next to her isolette, that I was taking energy away from her by feeling guilty. She deserved, and still does, all of my positive strength. That for whatever reason, here we were, and that it wasn't so much what brought us here but the way we navigated it.

Sorry this was so long, just wanted to let you know what helped me! Good luck with everything.

happybunny202

I'm another pPROM Mom-- and I think treem0m is absolutely right: it's hard to let go of the guilt if there are no answers.

I had absolutely no problems and was still working, when at 26 weeks, while I was resting on the couch, my water broke on one of my twin sons.

Two weeks of hospital bedrest (no moving at all), mag, albuterol, etc., and I started spiking a fever. My boys were born at 28 weeks, and my firstborn died three days later due to sepsis (and a ton of other problems).

19 months later, and people *still* say really hurtful things! (It's gotten easier... it doesn't go away, but it does get easier, I promise.)

About a year after, we finally had the courage to read our medical records... Really hard, but kind of healing: the doctors really handled everything "by the book." Also, we found that less than 1% of babies born due to PROM develop sepsis; heartbreaking for us, but again, helped with guilt issues.

I've heard that nearly 85% of PROM is unexplained, so
now we need to join together and demand some research!

Hang in there,
Kyrsten
(Mom to Joshua, 19 mos. and my joy!
& Jonathan, always in my heart)

MiaMomma

I too am a PPROM mom. I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I was on progesterone until 13 weeks because of low levels and a previous miscarriage (but my levels were extremely stable throughout the rest of my pregnancy, even when I was on bedrest after the PPROM). I did lighter duty activities at work, I exercised, but very cautiously-mostly walking, ate better than I ever had in my life, read everything, too--I did everything they told me. I rested more than I wanted to because I was so nervous about something going wrong. Then, standing in the parking lot watching the salesman load a new dresser into my mom's van, I sneezed. And my water broke. No warning (I actually thought and hoped that I had peed myself!!). I stood there while fluid ran down my legs. I sat in the van to zoom to the hospital feeling fluid leak out and thinking that this was it--I did something to lose this baby too. Eight days later, Mia was born at 25 weeks.

I beat myself up for months because the night before my water broke, I had raked some leaves in the front yard for all of 15 minutes! But, I stopped raking because I was tired--like I was told to do! I had had some discharge the night before too, but it didn't look any different than any other discharge, but what if I'd called my midwife.....Or maybe it was because I had tripped going up the stairs-I didn't fall, I just tripped, maybe I should have called my midwife then....? Or maybe I wasn't eating enough protein or maybe I shouldn't have carried that 5 pound box at work or sat on the floor while teaching a class at church or maybe 22 pounds was too much weight gain in 5 1/2 months or maybe I wasn't drinking enough water (although I drank about a gallon a day)..... I ran through everything I had done in the past few weeks trying to figure out what I had done wrong. And I about drove myself and my husband to the brink because I thought I did everything right and still.....

But, there has never been a reason for the PPROM--all the tests for infection came back negative, my cervix was completely closed, there were never any contractions on the monitor-nothing. So, I had to realize that even if I'd called my midwife and she would have examined me, she would not have seen anything or been worried. She would have sent me home because I was having a very good pregnancy. I had so many doctors and my midwife tell me over and over again that sometimes it just happens. I did my own research and realized that they were right--it just took me a long time to believe them.

Now, 20 months later, the guilt has subsided, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head-especially when our days can be filled with doctor's and therapy appointments. At times, it has been so hard, but it does get better. It does. Give yourself time and try to focus on the now. It's hard, but you can do it.

I will add you to my prayers, too.
Kelly

elliie

My twins were born at 34 weeks 3 10 3 15. I felt guilt as soon as they were born. I still do but my husband tries to comfort me.They are now 2 months 2 weeks adjusted and weigh 7 lbs.

thawley

My LO was born at 27 weeks. I don't know why, and also had an uneventful pregnancy. He was in the NICU for 53 days and is now 16 months old (13 corrected). I like the rest of you felt guilty for a while. Wondered what I had done wrong to cause him to come early.
Then one day a light bulb went on and I realized that I shouldn't feel guilty, I should feel proud. Yeah he came early but was 2.5lbs. and has been extremely healthy. I totally contribute his great stay in the NICU and his health today on the fact that I did eat right and did the right things when I was pregnant. I think my son was destined to come early but I did what I could to control the parts that I could. I spent everyday with him in the NICU, I held him whenever I could, and I breastfed him for 11 months.
I know it's natural to feel guilty, but be proud of how strong you have been as well!

triplel

I think as a mother, in general, you're going to feel guilt. (whether or not you have a preemie) But, the added stress of a preemie and what the woulda coulda shoulda's seem to stack everytime you think of your pregnancy.

My oldest is now 5 1/2 (she was a 26 weeker) and I still feel guilt and wonder "could it have been me?" But I agree with Thawley that you should focus on everything you've done since the minute your baby was born...inside the NICU... post-NICU therapy... special educators. Give yourself a big hug and pat on the back!

Feistylioness78

I still feel guilt. I have my triplet boys at 26.5 weeks. Alex and Brennan were the twins and they had IUGR and no fluid they think Alex went into distress. I have a lot of what if's. What if I had not gone trick or treating (they boys were born 11/4/07), what if I had told dad absolutley no nooky the night before? What if I had been on bed rest? What if I had gone to the hospital sooner? If all of this was done would Alex be here today and would Brennan and Christian have less problems. I didn't gain much weight either.

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