Who's Counting

In a couple of months, I will hit the 3 year point. That translates close to 1,100 days and over 26,200 hours. But, who's counting? I am. Is 3 years a long time? There are people who have been paralyzed a lot longer with conditions a lot worse than mine. A lot worse than mine. How should that make me feel? After 3 years, I can't answer that. That is what is so damn hard being paralyzed. I have thought about it and thought about it, it seems like every one of close to the 25,000 hours as of this moment. Other than proving to myself that I know how to use a calculator, what does the recognition of this time frame accomplish? Is the passing of this mile stone contemporaneous with a serenity that hopefully evolves after one has had the time to reflect? This reflection hopefully allowing one to realize that there is really very little control we have in our lives. That we should aspire to be at peace with our self and our lot in life. The question regarding that aspiration and the means necessary to achieve it is the hardest challenge this paralytic has ever faced.

I like to think of life as a series of plateaus. From the day we are born, we start on a lifelong journey jockeying for position so we may reach the next level. This is of course contingent on where we are in life. Through the passages of life a person recognizes that this ascent has to end. This understanding is reflected in most people coming to terms with the most basic fact of our existence. The fact being that our earthly sojourn is so temporary and we have to try to make the best out of each day. Because this is reality and any rational person can only recognize it as such.

These life changes are meant to be gradual. If a person on his ascent, the plateaus come too easily, then that could have a detrimental effect on that person's psyche. Society is replete with people whose personalities are enveloped by elevated hubris fueled by delusions of their importance. In other words they are real assholes. A person like that has very little understanding about how he/she is supposed to fit into society in that life is all about give and take.

Conversely the descent can be very problematic. It too is supposed to be very gradual. If it is not, then that could have a detrimental effect on that person's psyche. As opposed to hubris, this person's psyche is enveloped by a state of dependency. I hate having to be dependent and I don't know how to deal with it.

Most people reflect. The reflection I think is most meaningful if they were able to learn important life lessons in their journey. In the past, I have held many jobs that I really hated. I guess I have paid my dues. When a person who has paid his dues reflects, perhaps he will think in terms of I am sure glad I don't have to do that anymore. I sure don't miss cleaning toilets. In the context of his psyche, he can realize that part of his life was just part of a normal sequence that has led to growth. Maybe this person can think of himself as being fortunate that he doesn't have to do this anymore.

In the time since I have become paralyzed I have done a lot of reflecting. The reflecting in the aforementioned case hopefully gives one a sense of comfort. My current reflecting does the opposite. Maybe it's me and maybe I was just spoiled. But, there is no way that I could say that I don't miss walking, getting an erection, peeing into a toilet and the other aspects of my life that were taken for granted, which were abruptly stolen on that fateful day in October. As much as I want serenity now I really don't see it happening.

But is that really so bad? You see I really hate being paralyzed. This has not taught me any important life lesson and if it did between you and me, it is not worth giving up walking or never being able to get laid again. I am just being honest with my feelings. This wheel chair is holding me hostage. Am I supposed to acquiesce and let my psyche submit to Stockholm Syndrome? I am a prisoner being held hostage in this bleeping chair. That is the way I see it. There is no way I can sympathize with my captor.

I will continue to try to laugh and make the most out of my life. Upon reflecting, I sure wish I could clean toilets.

BE STRONG

By carole338
Posted August 20, 2009 at 6:02 pm
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Mikey,

The reflection done as a result of my being a paraplegic has taught me patience and to live in the present. To say the least I see no benefit in patience and waiting for something or someone because I am in a chair and can’t do for myself. And as far as living in the present, I would much rather be doing the mundane job I had in New York with hope of advancement and a future with financial gain. I see nothing good in the abrupt change in my life.

Be well.
Carole

By anadarwheels
Posted August 21, 2009 at 1:21 am
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Over the last 21 years I've had way too much Reflection time. It has made me more understanding, tolerant, and considerate of others, but as far as relief it has brought none. I dont want nor need this condition, but nonetheless I must endure it. And because I must endure there will be lots more times to reflect. I reach for every bright moment I can, but the pitfalls of catheter becomeing kinked, or clogged at the worst time, or the need to always be aware of the proximity of bathrooms that are accesible always shadows over the moments.

Sorry to ramble
Bill

By Patricia7
Posted August 21, 2009 at 3:26 pm
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No words , just listening,

My daughter now 22, four years paralyzed tells me the only time she reflects is when she is sad... it makes her feel worse so she does not think of the past...she tries to keep her eyes ahead...

By BizzyB
Posted August 22, 2009 at 7:14 pm
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I understand that 3 years can seem like such a long time especially when you are so consumed by it that you find yourself breaking it down to days and hours. I have been a paraplegic since 1987 and I would have been driven mad by now if I had dwelled on every passing moment.

I don't agree that those who have the luxuries of material things come to them so easily are assholes. It is what this life has given them and I actually feel sorry that they didn't experience the thrill of accomplishment of earning these rewards with hard work.

Don't be so hard on yourself for having to depend on others. The truth is, everyone depends on others that is what makes it so beautiful. I depend on the person I share my life with for many things I can no longer do myself since becoming paralyzed. But, there are also many things I can do that she cannot. Somehow it all works out in the end.

In the 22 years since becoming paraplegic I have watched everyone walking around and thought "Do they know what a joy it is to be able to walk?" Of course the answer is mostly "no". It is as natural as breathing to them. I know I didn't think twice about it when I could walk. But that's OK. I guess I will always feel moments of depression about all of the things you mentioned but that depression happens less often and less severe as time goes by.

I understand feeling like a prisoner. There are times I feel like that. When I do I go outside and commune with nature. It is very soothing.

By FireFly01230
Posted August 23, 2009 at 1:19 am
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Hi Mikey,
17+ years post injury. partial quad C5-T1, etc.

For me, reflecting on my life is not a bad thing--it includes all my years. So, not all my life lessons are based on my SCI.

I was trying to explain to my healthcare aide the other day... that acceptance (of my illnesses) does not mean that I won't fight to be stronger. She didn't get it... don't think she ever will get it, either. Maybe a person has to experience a SCI before they wish contentment... a sense of peace in the way we do.

As years go by, I do count... but, I count for other things that happened in my life, as well. So, my focus is not entirely on my SCI to learn a lesson... to become a better person.

Please take care of yourself... 3 years post is still a fresh injury in my mind. It takes time. Love yourself... and, write if you need to chat. I'm here.

-b

oh... btw, it took me appx. 12 years before I became more content in life. Don't get me wrong, I would still love to hike in a state park, if possible. A gentle hug is being sent your way (hope that's okay). :)

By quadyame
Posted August 23, 2009 at 4:29 pm
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Hey Mikey I'm Tim I coped a saying from Christopher Reeve "The best thing to do is simply not complain,but just get on with your situation,whatever it is, and just
Go Forward." Well let me say you are a live you got your mined, voice, able to eat, able to get around in "your bleepping chair." You have to take your head out of your ass and put your head up high, & go on. Yes it dose suck sometimes just remeber there is alwas one or more that have it alot worse, tell your self this when things go bad.

Mike I'm over 9yrs into my accident I'v had it all you name it I had it. You sound so strong don't lose it. I can see you like to wright and ask ??'s so if I can help in any way let me now, on this site or on my email quadthatsme@myfairpoint.net let me be your friend. I know you asked more ?'s. Wright me we will talk hang in there.
New friend Tim

By mikey
Posted August 24, 2009 at 3:59 pm
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It seems like we identify ourselves by our injury level and how long we have been that way. It is like saying to me that I don't have any right to bitch. I mean I have use of my upper body. I should consider myself lucky. Look, I don't think I am going around feeling sorry for myself or maybe I am. Can you or anybody else really say? I'll say one thing, my paralysis or anybody else's in my HUMBLE OPINION is no reason to rejoice. That is the way I look at it. I do laugh and I am persevering.

But when all is said and done my BLEEPING CHAIR will always be my BLEEPING CHAIR and paralysis will ALWAYS SUCK. Nah, I take that back, my BLEEPING CHAIR will always be MY F****** CHAIR!

By graybeard
Posted August 24, 2009 at 5:36 pm
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It is what is.....aint fun, but I will get out the door each day and let the world know Im still kicking. I go to concerts, and Im the only one in a chair.... yeah get the stares and quick lookaways.....but Im there to raise hell and rock out, chair be damned. I can walk (butt ugly gait), but not far, nor in crowded areas...too risky. I will take what I can do, and get on with life. Its cool to vent, dude. There aint no sainthood for being busted up. Jus a harder life to live, yet it's doable. Keep trying, there are good days.....I promise......

By anadarwheels
Posted August 25, 2009 at 5:21 am
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This Thread has really taken on a life. Its almost like an AA meeting:

Me: Hi my name is Bill and I"m a paraplegic
I"ve been paralyzed 21 years.

Group: Hi Bill

Sorry couldnt resist. Mikey your right this sucks. Yes maybe there are others worse off than ourselves, but there are also worthless pieces of flesh and bones that dont have to deal with it. Yup it isnt fair. If I want to throw my pity party I'll throw it, and none of you are invited. But also when I get out of bed, take care of bodily functions get dressed, wet myself, get cleaned up, get dressed again and head out.... I have a ball. Yes you live life for the moments, but then I didnt get the contract that it would be smooth sailing from the start. The frustration of seeing many mindless people not have a clue to what difficult is, complain cause they think they have it rough is enough to make anyone want to vent. Bro I dont think your doing anything but saying outloud what a lot of people think, or are afraid to think. I certainly dont hear desparation in your words, and couldnt imagine you giving in. But if you need a partner to sit on the side of a busy avenue with placards saying "Paralysis Sucks" gimme a holla, I'll be right there with you.

Your not so bad for a Democrat

Bill

By TraceD
Posted August 25, 2009 at 10:45 am
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"Paralysis does suck" but I believe it beats being dead, most of the time. We learn to adapt to our environment and challenge our bodies. I hope this is a divine test and that in the afterlife we advance beyond those who have made a comfortable life by screwing others, i.e Bernie Madoff and many others. I felt very sorry for myself for being a quad but I can walk with a crutch, my hands function grossly, but function. I go to locomotor training and I move the better then many, so I am less envious. Do the most you can with what you got, but you don't have to feel guilty about saying paralysis sucks, it does.

By Lorajw
Posted August 25, 2009 at 10:50 am
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Lori- Quad 5,6,T-1I going on 3 years Oct 10. I find it odd at work and at other social gatherings , that I become the sounding board for all the complaints from all the able bodied people about their aches and pains. I have trained myself to listen and empathize instead of saying "are you serious?, do you know who your talking to?". It has shown me that God's gift to me is inner strength, determination, patience, and perserverence. I just happen to recognize them more now that since I have had to use them. I was lucky enough to be befriended by a para early on who was injured in 1961 and for 48 years he has endured so much (imagine no ADA). His outlook on life and love for Jesus has been a huge influence on me. I wish everyone newly injured could find a mentor like that who never complains publicly and reaches out to others (does hospital visits every Sunday and takes me along). Life is good just different.

By connorsmomma
Posted August 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm
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My son Connor is a C4/5 acting as a C1... He is one year post injury. I wish he had a mentor as you say Lisa... He has his college group from church, visits and helps a couple other teens who are in the same boat as him,( or should I say @#&^*%& chair, LOL) yet newer injury, but he doesn't have a mentor. I think it would take someone he could really respect and someone that has similar interests and beliefs.... At the hospital they just threw him in with a "peer group".. Right! He was the only one on a vent. And no one under the age of 60.

Connor is strong, still has his muscle tone, which makes no sense, blows away the docs. as his level is changing slowly... but he longs to have his arms like you, Mikey. He is a musician, guitarist, and drummer... He says to me regularly .... "If I could only play my guitar, or drums; even sing, life would be so much better". He is on the computer all the time, has his buddies around and gets out... but he gets the stares, being on the vent makes it worse. But we hide the tubing, the vent is tiny, and he dresses like any other college kid. This helps.

Mikey, we are trying to live in the moment... it is so hard to look back, and somedays even harder to look ahead. Of course we are hoping for more in the future, but right now we are in a race of endurance....One day at a time... some times those days SUCK!!! We always hope for tomorrow.

New to this site...

Take care,
Cherie' (www.connorwatch.org)

By Ward51296
Posted August 27, 2009 at 8:22 am
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Everybody has a right to complain, SCI or not, its human nature. We may listen to people complain and think to ourselves "this person doesn't know what pain is" or "this person doesn't have a clue what a problem is" but everybody has the right to complain and bitch. This site was created for us to discuss, educate, share, listen and yes even complain.

I've always enjoyed your posts Mikey, be it positive or negative, up lifting or a downer, funny or serious, they are always sincere, honest and everyone in one way or another can relate.

I know I don't need to tell you to hang in there, I look forward to your next discussion.

Approx. 116,448 in this bleeping chair - Wow, I never really looked at it that way

Welcome to Inspire!

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