Powerless

Wednesday June 10th was a demanding day. It really exemplified on many levels the frustration, angst or a myriad of other nomenclature that depict the reality of a paralytic existence.

Ever since becoming paralyzed my sleep cycle has been thrown into disarray. In the past I was always an early riser very rarely sleeping past 6:00 am. Now it seems I sleep or rest intermittently throughout a 24 hour cycle. So on Wednesday as has been typical of late, I found myself begrudgingly getting up around 12:30 pm.

As usual my first task was to let my dog Beep Beep out to hopefully do her business. I am still having problems house breaking her, for it seems she actually prefers to go inside. But it is just part of the deal I guess and at least she goes in the same place. I have had luck with keeping her in the crate and she doesn't like it even though there is a nice soft blanket inside. As I am writing this she is tearing up some paper. So if she is awake she is either chewing or pooping.

When ever I let her out of the crate that I usually keep in my bedroom, she will make an animated dash for the living room. I attempt to follow her out as quickly as possible in which I usually get briefly stuck in the doorway most of the time getting my feet tangled up. Upon arrival in the living room she will greet me by jumping around, chewing on my feet and just acting so happy. As melancholy I may be at that moment she will always bring a smile to my face.

I then proceed go to the rear sliding glass door to let her out in the back yard which is fenced. She is so happy as she runs outside with a demeanor conveying I am ready to take on anything from a falling leaf to a frog. In the back yard there is a concrete deck in which I usually roll out on in order to make sure she does her business. So after rolling out as I had one many times before, I noticed that the gate was left wide open since the grass had been cut earlier in the morning. Now I was sitting there knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do. She had initially gone to the other side of the yard and I knew it was just a matter of her just seeing the open gate and she would be free. I felt so powerless as I tried to call her literally begging her to come. I was actually saying please, but to no avail. So as she bolted I was sitting there in what seemed a surreal state knowing I had to quickly act but at the same time felt so damn helpless. Now the concrete deck is about 3-4 inches higher than the grass so I rolled off it on to the grass. I had done this a couple of times previously and had gotten stuck both times and this time was no exception. So after about 5 minutes I was able to manipulate the chair to where I was able to ambulate.

Even though the grass had been cut it was still very hard to roll through. Since we are heading into the rainy season, we have been getting an inordinate amount of rain and the grass/weeds felt very thick and it was very hard to get traction. Now it had been over 5 minutes since Beep Beep discovered freedom and upon arrival in the front yard I was relieved to see she didn't really seem to have a desire to really go far. Now I live in a unit of a duplex which is on a sizable lot also occupied by another duplex. The front unit of the adjacent duplex had a car in the carport; so I assumed there was somebody at home. Since becoming paralyzed I have kept to myself and I have had no real desire to meet my neighbors. But I knew there was no way I could get Beep Beep to come to me right away so I trudged over to the unit to ask for assistance. Now typical of my sartorial tastes since becoming paralyzed I was dressed to the nines. I was wearing a raggedy dirty hospital gown and I was probably quite the site upon the woman opening her door. I was sitting there with swollen legs and the dark urine in my catheter bag in plain view.

She gladly helped me corral Beep Beep into my back yard and I felt such a sense of relief. Out of curiosity I asked her what she and her boy friend were paying in rent. I have lived in my unit longer than anybody. She told me that the rent was $900.00 per month and if she pays it early it is $850.00. My rent is $950.00 and the reasoning is I have a fenced in yard but the yard hasn't always been fenced in. My rent is paid around the 10th of the month because that is the time the person who cashes my check comes around to do it.

Not only is he not giving me any slack, but he is charging me more. But I like living here because it is in a decent neighborhood and Beep Beep has a back yard to play.

Also, when I eventually cease living here, the carpet will need to be replaced. But it needed to be replaced when I moved in 4 years ago.

People think I should live in a nursing home or public housing. Right now I am on disability and food stamps. It is my hope to become self sufficient.

Death doesn't scare me at all. What does scare me is becoming more dependent. Hell, maybe I am paranoid, but sometimes I think it is Beep Beep and me against everybody else since I don't have family. But paranoia or whatever notwithstanding, there is NO WAY I will live in public housing or a nursing home. I don't want to be around other people in wheel chairs or elderly people waiting to die.

I am going to let Beep Beep out and get some sleep.