Of Mice And Men And Happy Endings

When I was in the nursing home a physical therapist would continually tell me that this was a test. Inherent in that statement was the understanding that there was an obligation on my part to respond.

This can be said of life in general. From the day we start sucking wind (or perhaps before) life is a test. This visceral understanding is inherent in our being and the ways it manifests it self are dependent on a myriad of factors.

There are essentially 2 kinds of tests in life. The first is a product of volitional behavior. You take a class in college and there are going to be tests. In this case it is relatively easy to assess how you respond due to some hopefully objective measure, that being a test.

The second type of test is much more complicated. This test is a product of adverse life situations bestowed upon us by not volitional behavior, but rather by forces beyond our control. In the aforementioned context you take a class, you study and you get your grade. Due to tried and true paths for success, it is pretty easy to ascertain what needs to be done. Upon completion your grade enables you to quantify how you relatively did. There is an universal understanding being that excellence or something close to it is a goal that is worth pursuing. Pursuant of this goal, there are guidelines that a person must follow in order to be worthy of admiration or emulation. This mainly being that you don't cheat and you just try to be honorable. Any person being a product of just a modicum of positive socialization would know this.

This second kind of test presents a whole new dynamic. The tried and true paths are if not absent, very fuzzy and unclear. You don't have the comfort of knowing others have been down this path and succeeded so therefore you can. But rather your path is a journey that seems to follow along the epicenter of Murphy's Law. So this being the case, the following of any particular path is severely undermined. Because inherent in any adherence to any kind of plan is an undeterred mindset. But everything in life is finite, particularly a mindset.

After you have been confronted with this test what do you do? I don't know. After being paralyzed for 2 years the path is just as fuzzy as it was the first day. Sure I have come to recognize this as my reality, but I am not close to accepting this. I have to deal with this on so many fronts that I really don't know what to do. I find my days revolve around attempting to meet my basic needs in the most primitive sense. Gone in many respects is the slightest semblance of any dignity.

The other day at the VA a nurse that I was talking to told me I had to "man up". When I was growing up, when somebody posing a query about your character the question would be asked "are you a man or a mouse". Usually within the context of the question, the underlying behavior of each classification would be evident. You have to be strong and you damn sure better not cry. Men don't cry.

In lieu of my once strong character, I have turned into a maudlin, melancholic sap. Some things regarding my former life I can't talk about or think about without crying. It doesn't make me nor the people I am talking to comfortable. But I honestly don't know what to do.

A paralytic's world is replete with well intentioned advice that most of the time is far off the mark. It is much more complicated than it would be just telling a student to perhaps pick up a book. There are no tried and true paths for short and long term gain. But rather each person has to try to find his own path in a way that works best for that person.

So ultimately in any test the goal is to do well and to have a happy ending. I am going to have to come up with a realistic scenario that would comprise a happy ending and if I could do that maybe I can come up with a way to "man up" and reach it. But I am not done crying.

Merry Christmas