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i have been in a wheelchair now for 10 years with a c6 injury. my life just keep going down hill now. i just dont know what to do i have a sore i cant lose. i'm loseing my wife. has anyone got so down they just want to give up? if so please tell me what u do to stay up. i use to love life and i want to be able to get back that way.
Yes I think everyone finds themselves in that state of mind from time to time. Life is full of up's and down's.
Sometimes the down times can be intense and you feel an utter hopelessness inside. I found myself there after multiple losses in my life with in a year's time. I resented "God" I couldn't see a light at the end of any tunnel and then when I thought I couldn't take any more and had given up on living someone came to me and said these word's. "You can choose to think or not to think and what you think about expands." You have to take control of your life and not allow negative thoughts into your head. You hold the key to all the happienss you ever imagined. All you have to do is focus on those things and not let any negativity back into your life. It is a starting ground.. Not easy at times but it does help. Stay busy go out and meet new people and enjoy yourself as if it is the last day you ever will. If you need to vent please feel free to email any time.
Determination! When you can decide to focus on the blessings in your life, the depressing aspects melt. I am an able bodied person, my son has paralysis. I stay positive for him as much as I can. I get depressed and start to think of the things he would have accomplished. He had his own house at 21, his own business as a mason and loved his work. He gets down too, but then remembers that he survived the motorcycle accident. He gains pleasure from going out and helping others or just socializing with old friends. Some of this may not apply to you except that you do have to try to change your mind set. Perhaps focus on something nice for your wife, take her out, or do something special for her. Hold on to the good in your life - you've managed to maintain for ten years in this condition - you have lots more to go! My best wishes for you.
Big Daddy Joe,
I feel your pain. And I am so sorry. I am luckier than you as my injury is at T12. I can't imagine how you must feel. I wish we could switch places.
Having said that, I am 100% focused on the future, not the past. Just to give you an idea . . . check out the obituary I recently wrote for myself.
My faith and relationship with my creator sustains me. I am a big fan of Joel Osteen and Shan Rutherford. You can see them both by visiting www.JoelOsteen.com and www.GreenwoodChristian.com.
I hope that sharing the following with you is inspirational. I will pray that it is.
Hang in there man . . . . better days are ahead . . . . if you have that faith . . . . and expectancy . . . . I promise you you will be fine.
Jim
4/17/2009 -The Dash
7/6/1951 – XX/XX/20XX
Hi, I’m Jim Anderson, and I am writing this to you in anticipation of my death. I was born on July 6, 1951 and died on XX/XX/20XX. What is the “Dash” between my birth date and the day I died? What is that all about?
It’s curious, I entered this world with out any personal belongings and I left earth the exact same way. What the dash between those two dates represents to me was how I was going to make a difference with my life.
I did not choose to be born. I did not choose my parents, nor the country of my birth. And for all of those who know me, I certainly did not choose to die, nor did I choose the time or conditions of my death.
But within this realm of choicelessness, I did choose how I would live. That is what the “dash” is all about, from my beginning . . . . to my end. What mattered most of all was the dash between the years.
The dash represents all of the time I spent on earth and now only those of you who loved me know what that little line was worth.
For it matters not how much we own, the cars . . . the houses . . . the cash. What matters most is how I lived and loved, and how I spent my dash!
I was born into a wonderful Christian home. My loving parents baptized me a Lutheran when I was six months old. They took me to church every Sunday, I was confirmed, and heck I even turned pages for the church organist, and mowed the minister’s grass. For me those acts were all like Boy Scout Merit Badges. Those loving acts did not however, make me a Christian. I learned in life that going to church on Sunday no more makes one a Christian than spending the rest of the week in a garage, makes one a car.
I was a born leader, elected in landslide Student Council President Victories in both my Chicago Junior-High and High Schools. I loved politics, debating, swimming, playing and watching golf, teaching and serving.
In the summer of my 17th year, 1969, I fell ill with acute viral meningitis and encephalitis and fell into a brief but meaningful coma. I saw the “white light” people talk about in near-death experiences and was drawn peacefully toward the light . . . as I approached I heard the words “No Jim, your time and work on earth is not yet done, go back and finish what you have started!” I awoke from my coma perplexed, but feeling very good for someone who was so sick.
I went to Indiana University with the hope of a college swimming scholarship only to learn that a birth defect would not allow that dream to become reality. But Indiana University was the place for me.
After graduating on Saturday, I drove to Wilmington, Delaware and started working for the DuPont Company the very next Monday. While in Delaware, I had two wonderful children, David and Sarah. Although I found the world full of trickery and deception, I excelled at everything I did. I was amazed how during my career I was surrounded by people who seemed to me to be smarter, better looking, taller for sure, and usually better educated. But for some reason however, I always got promoted above those who I perceived to be better qualified for the job. It was no doubt God’s supernatural power and favor working in my life.
Not until my 50’s did I have a boss who was younger than I was . . . and to this day I find that amazing.
I raised my children in the same fashion as I was raised . . . . it was all I knew and I wanted the best for them of everything.
My career with DuPont afforded me the luxury of wealth, frequent international travel and experiencing things, cultures, poverty, desperation, luxury and other nuances that my peers never had the opportunity to witness. I was amazed and almost outraged by the sharp contrast between the “haves” and the “have-nots.” After all, I was a have. I was also a believer.
In my 30’s and 40’s I was a self-proclaimed Christian, but in all honesty I was an 80% believer and 20% intellectually skeptical. God probably wasn’t real pleased with my intellectual skepticism, but he was pleased with my 80% loyalty . . . . and as a result, he directed every step I took in life. At the time, I honestly did not know why I got so many unbelievably favorable breaks. But man did I ever get them, and exactly when I needed them!
I wanted my children to experience the same supernatural breaks I got and helped them not only travel across America, but the world. It was my hope they would witness the same difference I had witnessed between the “haves” and “have-nots” and the “believers” and “non-believers.” I wanted them to learn to understand the nuance of the devil corrupting most of the “haves,” and what that might mean to their souls in the long run.
As you all know, in my late-40’s the wife I met at Indiana University and I agreed the best thing to do for our children and our sanity was to divorce. It was devastating for me, but I saw no way out, even as a Christian.
And it turned out to be the best thing for me as I developed a strong relationship with the love of my life, Beth Dalrymple. She too was divorced and had a young daughter named Dana. I loved Dana as my own child and just like David and Sarah, I gave a 110 % effort to make sure she was a normal as possible and always surrounded by a loving mom & stepdad.
While I was living in Indianapolis, and Beth & Dana were living in Cincinnati, Beth & I married in 1999 in this church – that is, ONLY after Dana gave me her blessing. It was cute, while I was in the upstairs bedroom of my Indiana home with Dana; I asked the 8 year old, for her blessing. Beth was making dinner in the kitchen downstairs. Dana wanted my proposal to be a “joint” proposal. She plucked the engagement ring I had purchased, and ran looking for her mother. Beth tells me Dana was really cute, she got down on her knees and everything. I was engaged and I wasn’t even in the room!
Prior to our marriage, Beth & I were publicly baptized together at Greenwood Christian Church in Greenwood, Indiana, by one of my very best friends to this day, Shan Rutherford. This public display of our joint commitment to the Lord was extremely important to me, before I committed to marry Beth . . . . and Dana.
Most people don’t know the meaning of commitment. They make commitments casually, and then break them for the slightest reason without any hesitation, remorse, or regret. Every week, churches and other organizations must improvise because volunteers didn’t prepare, didn’t show up, or didn’t even call to say they were not coming as promised.
As you all know, in 2006-07, I suffered two strokes and almost died. In fact, Beth and our three kids had all said there goodbyes to me, and then Beth went home to get my living will so that my “dash” on earth would not be unnecessarily, nor tortuously extend. I surprised everyone and woke up!
My “dash” on earth was not done, actually it was just beginning! My recovery was slow, painful and hard work. But I refused to ever let anyone see me down or depressed. Yes, there were a few occasions when I prayed for the Lord to take me home. But he never listened. It was clear to me that I needed to look for His work for the rest of my life.
I became a 110% servant to the Lord. I accepted my tasks, fulfilled my responsibilities, kept my promises and completed my commitments.
My wheel chair became my new pulpit . . . an opportunity for me to minister to others. As you all know, I was never a “preacher” . . . only when someone would say “How in the heck can you always be so positive?” or “I don’t know what you have Jim, but I want some of it!” When they would say that to me, I would share the good news of Jesus Christ. Had I not been limited to a wheel chair, my ministry on earth would have been cut short. What a miracle!
And the breaks I got in life on earth continued up until the day of my death.
So think about this long and hard, are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left, that can still be rearranged. If you would just slow down enough to consider what’s true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, show appreciation more, and love the people in your lives like they were never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect and more often wore a smile . . . remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So when your eulogy is being read, with your lives actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash?
One of the most difficult lessons in life is to learn that . . . . less is usually more. And only as I grew older, did I finally “get it!”
Let me tell you from Heaven, focusing on your most important priorities, and continuously removing the clutter, will be key to any success you have in life.
During my life I witnessed the assassinations of JFK, his brother Bobby and Martin Luther King. I witnessed race riots and curfews to stop the violence. I also watched a fellow brother land on the moon. I witnessed four horrible and senseless wars. I watched in despair as my country removed GOD from Washington, and the beginning of His comeback, led by Barack Hussein Obama, our countries first black president. What an interesting stay on mother earth!
Hopefully my message captures the “simple truths” of why we were put on this earth.
You know, sometimes when you look through the lens of a camera the image is blurred? However, with one small tweak of the lens, it can become crystal clear. I found a few simple truths that made a profound difference in my life. I wanted to share this message with all of you so that you bring your “dash goals” into focus.
May each of you live your dash with the same passion as I lived mine. I once heard some one say that they didn’t remember moments. In today’s hectic pace we often forget to savor the small pleasures . . . whilst we all make big plans.
In the race to be better or best, we sometimes lose site of “just being.”
At this very moment in time, I am in Heaven “just being.”
The first person waiting for me upon arrival was Christ Jesus. He said, “Jim, thanks for listening to me when we met briefly in 1969, I’m proud of you man, glad you are now here, we have lots of work for you, but let me first introduce you to our Father.”
It was truly an “out-of-this-world” special experience. God shared with me what my granddad and dad were doing, and where, and how to hook up with them, along with others from my past who predeceased me, including an unborn child whose life I take responsibility for aborting. I now know where to find my child, and I can not wait to reconnect. God told me, “Jim, that was ok . . . you rejected a child of mine . . . and you should know that any child that gets rejected by man gets a free pass to heaven to do My work here.”
My passing is not a time of sorrow, it is a time of victory and it’s amazing. You all know how much I enjoy a simple one-malt-scotch: please do me a favor and hoist one in remembrance of me when you leave here today . . . or sometime tomorrow, or whenever!
And please, take good care of your personal “dash” . . . . . I’ll see you when you get catch-up to me here! My kids all know a favorite line of mine . . . . . “Last one here is a rotten egg!”
I can’t wait to see you! It is more fun up here than you could possibly imagine!
Love you!
As always, I’m your brother in Christ,
Jim
Music
1. Amazing Grace (ll Divo)
2. This is my Father’s World (Congregation/Gathering)
3. The Lord’s Prayer (if Shan Rutherford will sing it)
Readings
1. From the New Testament: John 3:16-18
“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Who ever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.”
2. From the Old Testament: 23rd Psalm
“The Lord was my shepherd, I was never in want. He made me lie down in green pastures, He led me beside the quiet waters, He restored my soul. He guided me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walked through the valley of death, I feared no evil, for He was with me; with His rod and staff, He comforted me. He prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies; He anointed my head with oil and made my cup overflow. Surely goodness and love followed me all the days of my life, and I now dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
3. From the Old Testament: 1 Samuel 17:45-51
“David said to the Philistine giant Goliath, ‘You come against me with the sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beast of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and He will give all of you into our hands.’ As the Philistine Goliath moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone he slung it and struck the Philistine in the forehead, the stone sank into his forehead and he fell facedown on the ground. So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; with out a sword in his hand he struck down the Goliath and killed him. David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistines’ sword and drew it from the scabbard. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword. When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turn and ran.
4. From the New Testament: Romans, Verse 1 – 6
Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle and set apart the gospel of God – the gospel he promised beforehand through his prophets in the Holy Scriptures regarding his Son, who as to his human nature was a descendant of David, and who through the Spirit of holiness was declared with power to be the Son of God by his resurrection from the dead: Jesus Christ our Lord. Through him and for his name’s sake, we received grace and apostleship to call people from among all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith. And you also are among those who are called to belong to Jesus Christ.
Dude...jus go out and live as best you can. Get your health right, then get your mind right. Work to better yourself, such as see what you can do work-wise, then make yourself better personally....life gets better. Show all you are still living, not dying.....let us know how you are doing...we give a shit about ya!
Concentrate on what you can do, not what you can't do. Find some type of physical activity, to regenerate your body, then mental challenge to stimulate your brain. Are you working? Try to get Vocational Rehab if not working. Talk with your wife, if she sees you moving forward she may see the person she married. This year I am not a C4 incomplete anymore when asked I am a Physician's Assistant once again.
Feeling negative about difficult situations is normal, yet we often think we have to always be strong, positive and motivated. Keeping up this facade only makes us feel guilty, which makes things worse. In reality, it's better to acknowledge your feelings for what they are, determine what can and cannot be changed, then commit yourself to working yourself out of your slump by focusing ONLY on what can be changed. If it helps, keep a journal that nobody else can read and write in it often.
One thing I've noticed--and got caught up in myself--is that people with physical challenges tend to think we have to embrace independence. It's such an American value. But we're much better off if we see ourselves, and each other, as interdependent. Aside from this forum, are you asking others for help? Your wife, friends, family, neighbors, community organizations and other resources? Are you finding ways to help others?
I know the unfeeling. “What to do? What to do?”
Being alone sucks, but then again so does being in a bad relationship where one or both people are miserable. Work at your marriage as best you can because, at the end of the day, that is all you can do - work at it (or so I’ve been told). Get professional help if need be. I’ve never been married and I’m yet to come across a woman I fully understand, so I’m not an expert on this. I’m merely sharing my thoughts. Dodgy spinal cords, on the other hand, I know quite a bit about. I will mostly stick to dispensing advice on dealing with that, so here goes - nothing new.
In a nutshell:
"Feeling negative about difficult situations is normal, yet we often think we have to always be strong, positive and motivated. Keeping up this facade only makes us feel guilty, which makes things worse. In reality, it's better to acknowledge your feelings for what they are, determine what can and cannot be changed, then commit yourself to working yourself out of your slump by focusing ONLY on what can be changed"
It all sounds very “Serenity Prayer” like, I know, but in the end that’s what it boils down to. “Life and choices.” Choose to live, and then work out what exactly “living” means to you. Write it down. Write everything down; from a framework and timetable of all your possible daily routines, including all the bathroom biz, what foods to eat and when, right through to your re-evaluated long term goals for the rest of your life, both work and social life. Be totally honest with yourself and acknowledge that things are different now. Denial is the enemy.
Putting things down on paper and having your life reduced in hardcopy right in front of you that way, helps in finding proper perspective on your issues. It is sort of like they teach at business school; you have to have a written down business plan, even for the simplest business. Your life is your business. Plan it as best you can and write you plan down.
From what you’ve shared here, I suggest you and your doctor work out what it will take to heal your sore first. Stick to that plan 100% - no if no buts. You didn’t say exactly what type of sore or where it’s located, but if it’s a pressure wound, that usually means staying off it until it heals – AT ALL COST. Start with your current health needs. Your health issues matter more than anything else right now. NOTHING matters more than your health, not even your marriage. Your wife will either stay or she won’t, you can’t hold her hostage. That’s just me sharing honestly, since you put it out there.
My last few words of “wisdom” may seem rather simplistic, but give this a try anyway. Look into wheelchair sports. Get out-doors and get involved in your community when you can, it need not even be sports related, just get involved. I promise you your whole outlook on life will change a lot once you do.
Peace.
i hear you saying you are sick of the daily ordeal. We have probably all been there. I do not know exactly your situation or mobility. Every day you decide to try to enjoy life instead of slicing a major vessel that you can find, but can't feel? Watch a sunset or sunrise and try to imagine what a blind person would offer in exchange for having that view?
If you love your wife, set her free and let her know that you want to see her having a normal amount fun and not missing all she gives up to be your caregiver.
Concentrate on the things you can do and recognize that there are things you can to that others can't. It is OK to cry over the spilled milk before you decide to just add chocolate syrup to it and drink it.
/www.CurtisNeeley.com
I am a c5/c6 sci for 14 years. My husband died in the accident. I was driving. I was very down on many occassions. The only thing that got me where I am today is my faith in Jesus Christ. At my lowest point I turned to him. He supplied what I needed that no one else could...peace. Every day I can see or hear of someone who really has it much worse than me. I wake up every morning able to see, hear, smell, taste, speak, smile, live, laugh and love. We are really blessed. I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but your life will only be as good as you make it. Have a great day, make it that way.
Obviously you care about LIVING or you wouldn't be reaching out. You'd be dead by now. You are not alone and even just be reading some of the emails you've received...you are loved. There's nothing wrong with feeling an almost infinite sense of melancholy and despair. You're a human being. You have that right. AND you are not alone. This too will pass. I am just a writer doing research on paralysis for a book. But I can tell you right now that there is some real hope for the world on this very website thanks to people like you. Why? Because most people want to pretend that they are not scared and depressed and sad and frightened and dont know what the hell is going on much of the time. And they forget that life is more loss than gain. Eastern mystics understand this, Buddhists understand this, so did Christ. And they understood we are all human and Life is difficult. But guess what? They understood that God put us ALL here TOGETHER. Reaching out is the right thing to do. You are not alone. No one is.
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