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20 year old son who is very depressed

BradyzMom
0 Recommendations

My 20 year old son, Kevin, sustained a crushed c6-7 complete April 06. I am his caregiver, and he is on antidepressants. He wont go to speak to a therapist and he is very depressed. He takes everything out on me. I try to be patient with him, I can walk, and I try to remember that. He has horrible mood swings. Most days I feel like he hates me. This is very hard for me anyway, as I wish for his old life too. I know how to do the day to day stuff, but I dont know what I am supposed to do about the mental abuse. His father kicked him out and I wont do that, however I am at my wits end. Could someone please talk to me? Before his accident he was a super active teen, and now he doesn't care about any of his old friends that he used to hang out with. He smokes pot on a daily basis, (not here, but when he goes off with is friends) he says it helps with his pain. HELP!!!!!
Linda

Explore topics in this discussion:

Cancer Counseling Methadone Stroke Morphine Oxycontin Pain Paralysis Depression

24 replies

FuschiaFan

It sounds like he needs a dose of tough love. If he won't go for counseling, you need to do so for yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like this, esp. if you are his caregiver. Get some help.

Are you charging him rent? Are you being paid to be his caregiver?

You need to tell him that he is an adult and needs to start acting like one. You need to set some some conditions for him to live with you and have you remain his caregiver. He needs to get counseling. He needs to get appropriate treatment for his psychologic and neuropathic pain. He needs to treat you with respect and not abuse. He needs to do something productive such as working out on a regular basis, go to school, or get a job. Otherwise, he needs to move out, even if this is to a nursing home.

If you don't take action, and continue to live with this, it will only get worse.

BradyzMom

I know what you are saying is true. No he does not pay rent, he can't afford to. He grew up with his father mentally and physically abusing me, and I see the patterns so well. I left when he was 15 and got my own place, which he was welcome to come to. He didn't want to because it was in a different city. I tell him that he can't treat me this way, but then I still let him. Guilt is a powerful thing. Of course, like his father, after all is said and done, he is soooo sorry. I am seeking counseling, I dont want to be an enabler again. I just love him for who he is and always have. I am at my wits end. Yes I am overwhelmned and no I dont get paid but my fiance does, because they wont pay me, I am his mom. So I do get money for taking care of him, in a round about way. I don't kmow if I will ever get to the point that I could put him in a home, but you never know. It took me 18 years to leave his dad. I guess I just need support. I also talked to his Dr. about a different kind of antidepressant for him. Just keep me in your prayers, ok?
Linda

nanc

My son was very depressed after his accident he was abusing his meds and very moody I went to probate court and received guardianship and put him in a nursing home for 30 days.I nor his father did not go and see him for the first week (really hard to do) but they changed his meds and he is much better. I cannot understand why you do not get paid for taking care of your son.ido. my son has been a para for 3 years and I think for some it takes longer to accept i still have a hard time sometimes. Our son does live with us. this is some of his feelings he writes how he fees sometimes....losing my mind,lost in darkness,f----- for life,hope ie gone, transition is near,losing my mind, death is hard,losing my mind, living is harder, full of pain full of shame,losing my mind.and yes he is in therapy..you will be in my prayers

BradyzMom

To nanc: Thank you for your comment. Under the medicaid plan he has, the person he lives with can't get paid, only respite hours. Sucks, but thats how it is. I wish my son would even admit he is depressed. He O'D last month on painkillers he got from a friend of his. The hospital therapist talked to him and he told him it was an accident, that he didn.t mean to cause himself any harm. I will think about putting him somewhere temporarily. Maybe he will get the message, I dont know. I try to put myself in his shoes and it is impossible for me to even imagine. Thanks for the support and prayers.
Linda

nanc

Sometimes as hard as it is we need to tell them that some of the people that they think are friends are really not. that has been one of the hardest thing to get thru to gregory.I also tried to put myself in gregorys shoes but we sometimes need to put our feelings aside and try to do what is best.it is hard but i am 50 and my husband is also and if something were to happen to us greg needs to learn to be independent and help himself.

KrisAnn

Linda, by now you know that you are not alone. Somehow, you might find comfort in that. I am 39 years old, soon to be 40 next month! I sustained a spinal cord injury when I was 12 years old, and it shook the lives of everyone who loved me. Many things happened to me during my rehabilitation, but I won't bore you with the details. What I will tell you is that I lashed out at my family for quite some time. It was safe. I had so much anger inside of me that I needed to vent it someplace where I knew there would be no consequences. My mother loved me unconditionally, I was her baby. I took shameful advantage of that, and it was only until my sister gave me a good swift kick in the behind that I finally realized how much I was manipulating the people who loved me the most.

When you feel useless, as if your life has no purpose and no direction, it's hard to see a future where you have any worth as a human being. There is no reason to get up in the morning. This is not an excuse for your son's behavior, particularly since I have no idea who he is. I only speak from my on experience. For me, my life was on hold because I put it there and my mother allowed me to keep it there to protect me from what she thought was too painful to bear.

When I was finally forced to figuratively stand on my own 2 feet, I realized that standing tall has nothing to do with being on the soles of my feet. It has to do with standing tall from within. And that does not happen unless you can believe in yourself and what you are capable of. The longer people took care of me, the more I believed I needed to be taken care of.

I am a quadriplegic. It has not been an easy road, but I have a full-time job, a wonderful fiancé, enjoy traveling and every other thing a woman my age should enjoy. In fact, my mother and I had an argument last night when she called my home, where I live alone, because she said I don't call her enough. I think she was lonely because she felt I didn't need her. Can you imagine? I love her, of course I want her in my life, but I am a grown woman with my own life and responsibilities to meet. I am what a 40-year-old woman should be. My mother enhances my life. She does not take care of me. Eventually, it will be my role to take care of her.

Sometimes it is hard to force the ones we love to be responsible for their own lives. Your son might lash out, call you heartless. It may seem that way to him, but everything is dark and victimized when you're caught in the trap of feeling sorry for yourself. There is no clarity for the person living with a spinal cord injury who feels like the world has fallen out from beneath his or her feet. Everything you do will be a wrong anyway. He is angry. He needs someone to blame. Above all, he needs to shift the responsibility for his unhappiness to someone other than himself. It is easier that way.

You have traveled a difficult road yourself. You took responsibility for your life and happiness. You can't backtrack now. There is much for your son in this world, if he wants it. Right now, his life is passing him by. That is his choice, but you do not have to enable it. If he is not willing to pull himself together and find out what he is capable of achieving, give him the option of going into a nursing home because that is where people go at the end of their lives, when they have nothing left to achieve. If he is not ready for that, then he needs to step up to the plate and be the person he wants to be. It's time for him to stop worrying about what he can do and start looking at the things he can do.

Having a spinal cord injury does not mean your life is over, and the paralysis it causes the body is far less painful than the one it can cause in the soul. I understand your son is newly injured, just over a year is not a lot of time. But it is time to start moving on. If he can't do that, you are not helping him by allowing him to continue on the path he is on.

Stay strong, Linda. Be wise. Understand that you can give him a mother's love, but you can not force him to love himself. Right now he hates himself because he feels less the person he once was. That is his problem, not yours. He needs to come to terms with who he is now.

His life and future are up to him. What he makes of both starts with choice. And that choice to move on and will never happen if he isn't forced to make it. Why should he? He doesn't have to do anything right now. You do it for him. He doesn't have to think. He doesn't have to try.

Despite the fact that he plays miserable, he must get something out of it or he would do something to change it. It's not a conscious thing, it's just something we do to protect ourselves from being hurt further. He allows himself to remain miserable because to have hope... to try.... is to risk failure. And that is incredibly frightening for everyone! And keeping you miserable somehow validates his own misery. I know that sounds crazy, but if he can't be happy then he wants everyone else around him not to be happy too. As long as you are all miserable together, there is no expectation for him to be more than he is.

I have a website at www.krisannpiazza.com On the left side, there is a list of links. I hope you will visit the sections for newly injured and family members of newly injured individuals. I have compiled a list of questions that have most commonly been asked of me throughout my life, and the answers I found over the years. I'm not saying the answers that I give are the only answers, but maybe they will be helpful.

Take care,

Kris Ann

rogue35504

dear linda

my heart goes out to you. i was once in your son's shoes except for the drug problem. i was also an angry person. treated my fiance and her kids badly. not on purpace tho. atleast at the time i didnt realize it. i had a very hard time dealing with my injury. i had more of a problem than my family did with the injury. i was angry for not being able to be the man of the house. doing everything a man is suppose to do. i put her thru 3 yrs of hell i guess you could say before we went our seperate ways. now we are closer than ever before even tho she has remarried now. atleast i know she can be happier. but anyways now looking back i really am sad for the way i acted. i should have gotten help myself. thats what you and your son is going to have to do. if not it might end in a sad situation like a friend i was in rehab with. he was in much better condition thani was at the time. he also got into the drugs. 2 yrs later i was twice as good condition than him then last year he died of drug overdose. your son has a very long road ahead of him. some can handle it some cant. me i had to be pushed. thank god for my ex. the 3 yrs she pushed me hard. if it wasnt for that i wouldnt be here today myself. you sound like a woman with a strong backbone also. you make his azz get some help and show him you are right beside him and that you may be the one that cares the most. let him know that i said life hasnt come to an end. it just slaps us in the face to show us reality. then life goes on. i am now doing better than i ever dreamed i would be. it will be 7 yrs this Dec. since my accident. i live on my own and am back in school getting a degree. after im done i will have a better job prior to my accident. so dont let him give up on you. any questions plez feel free to ask and my prayers are with you.

brian

BradyzMom

Dear KrisAnn,

Thank you for your comment and all the insight. Before his accident he couldn't stand to see me cry. Now I really think he gets pleasure out of making me upset. I know he is angry and very depressed, even though he swears he isn't. I have stopped doing everything in the world for him. I give him his meds, change him and cath him. He has to eat on his own now and even can use the remote. I am trying to treat him like a man, thats always the way he was raised by me anyway. He has started asking me whats wrong. I just tell him why do you ask? am I yelling or crying? I can't put him in a home just yet, I am not ready for that step. It was hell when his dad kicked him out. I just keep hoping if I keep pushing maybe I can get him into some counseling. He has so much potential, and I wont give up on him. I can however, let him know I wont be treated this way any longer. Thanks again for your comment.
Linda

KrisAnn

Linda,

I am not suggesting that you put your son in a nursing home, only that you ask him if that is where he would like to go. Personally, being placed in a nursing home is my greatest nightmare. It would kill me. I only thought to put forth the possibility to shake him up a little. I know the issue with his father colors the situation, but you can't let that sway you from being strong when he needs your Strength so much.

It sounds like a lot of passive aggressive interaction between you and your son. Sometimes it is easier to give in to a knee jerk reaction when you're hurt. If your son asked you what's wrong, take heart. He is interested. He notices you. Instead of throwing back a question like "why I'm not yelling at you? Grab that opportunity with both hands to say "a lot is wrong." And then tell him what it is. It's the perfect opportunity because he opened the door. He might get more than he bargained for, but that's OK .

A mother's relationship with her child is often emotional, but you need to approach discussion about your son's injury and what he is going to do about it when the two of you aren't upset. Have you ever thought about sitting down with a cup of coffee and having a discussion, as you would With someone else who was not your son? Make a date. Put the two of you in a neutral setting, and ask him what he wants from his life. Ask him if he has any plans, and if you can help him create one if he doesn't know where to start . You might be surprised, and if he isn't willing to have a productive conversation, give him a deadline to decide what he's going to do. He needs someone to hold him accountable for his life, and to enforce consequences if he fails to meet his promises. Prepare for your conversation. Determine what it is you expect from him, and be willing to tell him what you will not tolerate as well as the action you'll take if he doesn't respect your boundaries.

Why do you cry, Linda? Do you cry for your son? Do you cry for his pain? Do you cry because this happened to your son? Do you cry because you don't know what to do to help him? Do you cry because you don't want to deal with this anymore? I don't know the answer. I do know that crying isn't helping you or your son anymore. Before you help him, you need to decide what it is you want for your own future. You still have a lot of living to do. Life is too short to waste it on taking care of someone who won't help himself, and it is too long to turn yourself into a slave for someone who thinks you owe him simply because you're his mother.

Good luck...
Kris Ann

Paul3

I was 19 when I was paralyzed. I broke C 4, 5, & 6. It has been 14 years sinse my accident. I started smoking pot and smoked it for 3 years none stop. I was also mean to my mom and others. Its like something snaps when your paralyzed and you don't care what you say or what you do. I saw my mom cry alot too. I didn't understand how bad I was hurting her, my girlfriend, and others in my family when I acted out with words of anger. It was a bad time! The drugs only last as long as the high, and then their gone. Pot did help with anger, but only as long as the high, then I was angry again. There is a need, something on the inside, but not drugs. In my situation, I gave my heart & life to Jesus Christ. A preacher read me the gospel and I asked Jesus to save me. My life has been different ever sinse. I drive a van on my own and see that there is still life after paralysis. Yes, life is totally different, but it's still life and life to live. Don't give up on him, he can overcome the drugs and get out of his depression. If I can be of any help, I will talk to him or maybe by e-mail, let me know. I will pray for your situation.
Paul

Comfortably_numb

Hello Bradyz mom, I just want to say that I disagree with some of these comments. I am a 31 year old quad, been injured for almost 2 years, I live with my parents, my mom takes care of me 24/7 and I can't say how grateful I am for that. Someone said you should kick him out, put him in a home, meke him work, I think that is cruel. No matter what he's your son. I'm not saying it's right for him to treat you bad, maybe he just needs to realize how lucky he is to have you to take care of him. No one can really understand what he is going through. It's true he is an adult but, I think he's still very young and I asume it must me much harder because at that age you are just beggining to live your life. I'm not saying I'm old but at least I have lived it up more.
Also I think he should always be uplifted, help him try to have a possitive atitude. I recomment he watches the movie "the secret" (if he hasn't). He needs to believe he will get out of that situation. Each day there is more hope for people with our problem. There are lots of cures out there, we don't have to live our whole lifes like that. The more I realize that the more at peace I am. I truly believe that I will recover and I think he needs to believe that too! Faith is the key.
Well, I wish your son the best and I'm sure things will get better for you and your son.
Blessings,
Lissette :-)

pbiswanger

Dear BradyzMom:

I thought I posted a comment yesterday, but it's not hear, so I must not have submitted it. Oh well, I'll try to recreate it here.

I read this whole string, and I find it incredibly distressing. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and my heart goes out to you. But I have a few thoughts too.

You say you got out of an 18 year emotionally abusive relationship. No doubt, you learned certain coping mechanisms and behaviors during those 18 years, and it sounds like you are using them again, with your son. I suspect he watched your husband abuse you and you cope with it, so now that he has so much of his own anger, he's just replicating what he saw growing up. I know you know this already, but my point is, I think you're the one who needs counselling. You need to learn how to deal with your son's wrath more effectively, and to keep from being crushed by it. And then eventually you need to get him into counselling with you, so you can figure out how to function as a family. But first you need to take care of yourself.

The other thing I was wondering: I don't see any reference to your son going to school or work. What kind of goals and plans does he have? Maybe that's another area that needs work. He's only 20 years old, and, going by the picture on your bio, he's a good-looking intelligent young man.

Speaking of your bio, I read that too, and I was struck by how much more upbeat you were there, and that your son looks pretty content. Did something specific happen to bring your son down, or is it just the adjustment process, and him tunneling downward?

One more thing: I am not a big an of tough love. I think someone as emotionally fragile as your son can read tough love as rejection, and things will only get worse for him. And you won't be any happier just because he's out of your life. In fact, you'll be miserable. So, in my totally nonprofessional uneducated opinion, I think you have to find some counsellor who can help you learn to deal with your son in some way other than the old ways you learned in your marriage, and then you both have to get to a counsellor or otherwise work together to find a way to live together. I am sure your son loves you, and once he comes out of this terrible pit of despondency, he'll regret how he's treating you now, and you don't want to have severed any ties for the sake of "tough love."

Best regards,

Pat

BradyzMom

Thank you for your comment and insite..... My son is very angry also, I see that but I am his mom so I have a certain insight into those kinds of things. He almost died of an overdose a few months back (says he wasn't trying to kill himself) But I wonder. He had the chance to go to Fisherville, here in Va, but his dad told them he has a drug problem so they wont take him now till he tests negative for 6 months. I am at a loss here. My fiance says I am bitter and much more agressive then I used to be. He has a 15 year old son and I guess I am trying to make sure he makes the best of decisions. I love my son with all my heart, and trust me it breaks my heart to see him this way. Sometimes he appolizes for upseting me. He is a great kid, with so many friends. They help me out alot. The only problem he also has people that will give him drugs if he asks. He refuses to go to counseling, says he is fine. I however am starting therapy for myself. I dont want to be an enabler. I did that for too many years. Maybe I am wrong, but I disagree with the whole tough love thing. I want him to know I am always here for him. So any suggestions are welcome, because I am at a loss here.
Linda

BradyzMom

Dear Pat,

Thank you. You said it in a nutshell. I want him to know I am always here for him. His father "washed his hands" of him. I cant and wont do that. I have however been making him do more for himself. I am also going into counseling myself. I need someone I can talk to to help me better help him. He doesn't work, but has a college fund, so he is able to go if he wants to. How to get him to that point, I dont know. I know he hates to see me upset. He always has. I am an easy target for all his anger, and I try to remember that. He isn't like that all the time, just when things dont go his way. His 19 year old brother fusses at him when he makes me upset. I am so lost here, and I know that one day there will be a cure for this. Getting to that point may kill me though. Thanks again!
Linda

camperben

It sounds like he is very angry and stuck in the "why me and not someone else stage". I was there a year when I was hurt on the job.

I suffered unbelievable pain for nearly 6 years. All kinds too. Shooting, nagging, phantom, sharp, boiling legs and lightning bolts to name a few of my most commont types. I went to 8 or more pain specialists. All board certified they gave me everything from Oxycontin to methadone and sometimes straight morphine. Nothing worked. My family and I suffered alot and missed alot of life.

I went to a party on the beach a year ago and someone in the crowd passed a marajuana joint. I last tried it in college almost 20 years ago. Within 5 min of the first and only drag on that thing I had almost 99% pain relief and a much better attitude on life. Now I wouldent think of not taking a puff or 2 every day.

I know what alot of you are thinking. I was there once too. I was a Cop for many years and would never think of doing an illegal drug in my past life. Now.....I think people who are against medical marijuana are just ignorant of its power, just as I was.

If you are lucky enough to live in CA or WA or OR and conventional Doctors cant cure your pain and depression with "normal pharmacuticals" you are nuts not to go and get involved with legal medical marijuana.

Anyhoo....the kid has issues in my opinion but I dont think the marijuana is really one of the things you need to worry about. Focus on getting him to do what he can and be gratefull. Have him volunteeer in a cancer ward or something to put his misfortune in perspective.

good luck, you are not alone

Ben

Just when I was about to crack from pain

Tburnett1105

Linda,

My 17 year old has been a C4 quad since 2004. Everyday I wonder what he would be like now if only he had never had the accident (trampoline). He was an athelete and very outgoing. Girls called my house at all hours of the night. (It was a pain then, I look back and miss it now).

Someone said in a post on here: Why do you cry, Linda? Do you cry for your son? Do you cry for his pain? Do you cry because this happened to your son? Do you cry because you don't know what to do to help him? Do you cry because you don't want to deal with this anymore? I don't know the answer. I do know that crying isn't helping you or your son anymore.

For me? I cried/cry for all that and more! My son 'died' and I was given a 14 year old child who couldn't poop or pee, dress himself, entertain himself and was scared to death. I had a 4 year old whom I left for almost a year to care for CJ in the different rehabs and hospitals and I will never forgive myself for that, even though it couldn't be helped.

Geez! you HAVE ever reason to cry don't worry about why!!

Ok enough of that, let me tell you what I would do. I am in agreement with being tough. He doesn't reallize (despite his condition) how good he has it. He has a loving family member to do his care! There are many out there who have been abandoned by family and have strangers to it. Sometimes, good ones, sometimes not.

Cry when you need to, just try not to give him the satisfaction of seeing you do it. Take time out for yourself, it's hard but you can. Get him up, cath him or whatever and go see a movie, call a friend or just go for a drive for a couple of hours. Time for yourself will give you strength.

It's been a little over a year for you. It's time to make him as independent as he can possibly be. I am not sure what function your son has in his arms or trunk but it is possible for quads to cath, brush their teeth and help in the shower among many many other things. The more he can do the better he will feel.

If he were my son, I would give him the telephone book (I did this actually, once when my son was feeling seriously sorry for himself) and tell him to find the nursing home, apartment and caregiver or assisted living facility he wants to be in because he 'obviiously doesn't want to be with you'. I can understand why you won't kick him out, but he needs a reality check. You don't have to follow thru and actually put him there but let him know you have a breaking point. Abused as a child or not, he doesn't have the right to take that and everything else out on you.

He does love you, or he would take things out on you, but he needs to take a good look at what he's going to do in the next few years because his life was spared and he will need to move forward.

As for the pot, it's the least of your worries. He has a valid point when he says it helps with the pain. It is proven that it does help with appetite, spasms and pain. I allow my son to smoke for those reasons. He lost so much muscle mass and weight and the spasms are so so bad. Plus he is less likely to be mean and abusive to you! He will be far more mellow and able to deal with things. Pick you battles. This is one not worth fighting.

It does get easier. and it is possible he may recover more function!

Comfortably_numb

Hi Linda,
Here's my opinion, I think the most important thing for your son right now is to focus on his recovery, I don't know if he's doing any kind of therapy but the most he can do the better, I'm sure you kno this. But I mean more than school or work, therapy is more important right now, untill he feels ready for school or work. I'm in that situation and I don't feel prepared to work. I'm trying to focus more than anything on my recovery. I don't know, but maybe you'd like to look at this program www.projectwalk.org, I've heard great things about this place, looking into getting in myself, it's expensive but there are lots of organizations that help. There are also lots of tratments that can help, (I'm sure you know). I'm going for stem cell treatments in Tijuana, Mex and also seeing an alternative medicine doctor, who says he can do a lot for me, (I believe it), he is not expensive either. There are lots of things that can help, accupuncture is very good too. I can give you more info on my doctors if you are interested. I know a lot of these methods are not done in the U.S. but other countries use them. There is a cure out there, you just have to find it. That is my main goal.
My prayers are with you!
Cheers :-)
Lissette.

rogue35504

i agree with you about the tough love. i dont agree with it because he is your son. and that puts you in a hard position. however he doesnt need to know that if you get my drift. and i strongly advise you and him get couseling. i know he says he dont need it but he's in denial. i so know he is because i was in his shoe's. i been there done that for several yrs. what you guys have been through is tramatizing to anyone. even the strongest of minds need help after going through this. I would have never thought i needed help. now i look back and see i did. the only advise that i can really give you is to get help with counseling and to keep him busy. and time will heal. you guys are still in the 1st quarter of the game so to speak. Here we have vocational rehab. they will help him with any kind of schooling he may need. send him to college and even pay him to do this. its all paid for and wont cost you nothing. they get him the training he needs and even help him gey a job. its wonderful. and being aggressive might be a good thing. it might just be the best thing for your son. thats what it took for me. my ex turned into a firecracker haha. funny now but wasnt back then. that woman put me through hell. but thats what i needed. hope every little bit of info helps good luck again

pbiswanger

I can't tell you how much a disagree with this "tough love" stuff. Telling your son to find a nursing home or whatever because he doesn't know how good he has it is just another way of telling him that he is lucky to have you taking care of him. Just what the kid needs: to feel like he's a burden on his mother. I am sure he already knows that he's got it relatively good, compared to others in his position, and I am sure he already feels like a burden. The last thing he needs is a big heaping plate of guilt from Mom.

It sounds like what your son really needs is a goal, and a life plan. He sounds like he's stuck in despondency, and he needs something to look forward to, and to live for. As you said, getting him there is hard, but it can be done.

Tidewater Community College has a Chesapeake, Virginia campus. You can read about it at www.tcc.edu. You said that your son has a college fund, so at least money isn't a problem, and community college is cheap. It also has a lot of services for the disabled: http://www.tcc.edu/students/specialized/disabilityservices/all_service s.htm

They also have a boatload of programs. There has to be something that would interest your son. Have you looked into this, or anything like it?

nanc

i would like to tell everyone who thought i put my son in a nursing home that i and his father had abandoned him. we did not he was there for 30 days because he was abusing his meds he would eat his patches and his friends would bring him drugs. so called friends.i did it to save his life. he has been home with us for since then he is alot better and i stay home to help and support his needs.we are best friends and if i would not have done i am sure he would not be here.it was one of the hardest things i had to do but i did it and i have no regrets. sometimes we all have to make hard decisions but we do what we think is best.

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