I appreciate the care shown by people who have asked about my health as a reflection of their interest in my well being. At the same time, people do say the weirdest things and last week I, who is never at a loss for words, was left speechless! So what comments have you heard that are so wacky and bizarre, you simply are left shaking your head in amazement at what people say and do?
I had not seen an older lady over the winter when I bumped into her last week. She asked how I was doing and I answered (as I do to everyone,) "fine, ty." She then told me, whispering, that she had battled the same disease 18 years ago. I asked her if she had had Ovca to which she replied," No, breast cancer." Then she added, "but at least you were not mutilated!"
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Which is the most bizarre comment you have heard?
- By metwo
- Posted May 31, 2009 at 8:16 pm · 102 replies
- In Survivor stories
- Shared with the public
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- By lagrecque
- Posted November 5, 2009 at 8:46 pm
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Hey All -
A great game that I started with some close friends was to see who could come up with the best "Top Ten List" for:
1. lack of hair
2. scar stories (A fave: Pamplona 2008, 'nuff said)
3. etc..
oh my, I have never laughed so hard and it was definitely a great way to break the ice, let me tell you. Once, I even got to put the list to good use when asked about the bald head... my answer? Well, it was SOME party last weekend at that Buddhist monastery? Peer pressure, let me tell you! lol...
- By LisaD1
- Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:26 am
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spoken by a not-so-attractive large man in a speedo walking down a main thoroughfare in Key West several years ago...to bald but cheerful me passing by in a car..."nice hairdo" ...my reply? "it's from chemotherapy ya %*&^% a&&%0!$" lots of people looked - at him!
because i've had double mastectomies, am roundish in shape and short, when i am bald or wearing a baseball cap, i am often "sir" to store clerks and other innocent well-meaning people...cracks me up usually, but sometimes i just have to correct them "that's MAM sir to you!"
lots of times when folks ask how i am, i know they just want the short version, so i'll just make up a funny reply like..."well, i'm on this side of the dirt, and that's a good sign", or "i'm upright and taking in air, who could ask for anything more?"...mostly i think people are scared to death of this disease and have no idea what to say...and when fear is what is running the mouth, lots of stupid, hurtful stuff can fall out
- By kennebec
- Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:12 am
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LifeisGrand: You mean you never get over the river rocks? Aaaarrrggh! Dang!
As for head lice: When I first buzzed my hair I thought about designing a t-shirt with the words "Bad Case of Head Lice" and an arrow pointing to my head. But then a very dear friend's kid brought lice home from school and she got them, too. She was totally distraught and I didn't have the heart to hurt her feelings by doing so.
- By llj
- Posted September 14, 2009 at 7:52 am
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I had just returned to teaching highschool after 6 rounds of Taxol, Cisplatin, and Carboplatin following a 9-10 hour debulking for ovca IIIc. I manage yearbook and the newspaper as well as an honor society and teach a night school class. We'd had our share of lockdowns, etc. It is an inner city school.
Thanksgiving was coming up and a teacher remarked, "Oh, I can't wait for a break." A fellow teacher (they all heard at the opening remarks to teachers meeting for the week before school) said, "why are you so eager to have a break? You just got back!"
Right... I'd been playing in the sand and touring the bahamas while I was off. right... I was so stunned I couldn't say a word.
- By TealOak
- Posted September 14, 2009 at 3:30 am
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I try very hard to remember that what we want or need to hear is different with each of us....and very dependent on our present emotional state. I try to focus on the effort that someone is putting forth, instead of what is actually being said. I know I have put my foot in my mouth countless times, often because I was so worried about saying the wrong thing that it insured I said the wrong thing. However....
I must share the exchange with a dear friend who cares deeply but usually can be counted on to say the wrong thing. Now this is a person who lost her mom a few years ago to OvCa so she does understand the seriousness of my having stage 4 clear cell.
She just filed for divorce this past week which will certainly be difficult on so many levels; her stress level is off the chart. She is a University Professor and the semester just started. As I relayed some of my insomnia and anxiety stories she said " yeah, but I have to function at a higher level than you do ( since I am not currently working ) so that is *more* stressful". I normally just agree with her as it is easier when she gets this way. Instead I thought, what the he*%. I answered with, "true, but when this is all over...you will just be divorced and I will be dead!!". Funny, she did not seem to have a return argument. Those are normally the responses I come up with 12 hours too late.
Great thread
Teri
- By Plonanon
- Posted September 14, 2009 at 1:54 am
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This thread is hilarious and pathetic at the same time. I keep thinking that most people mean to be nice, but just haven't a clue what to say.
The other thing is that most people don't realize that with a cancer diagnosis, the answer to how a person is doing consists of two parts: how they are feeling now, and what their long-term prospects are.
There are two books I've found that might be of interest.
One is called Cancer Etiquette: What to Say, What to Do When Someone You Know or Love Has Cancer. (Haven't really read it, so I can't vouch for it.)
http://www.amazon.com/Cancer-Etiquette-What-When-Someone/dp/0874604508/ref= sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252906778&sr=8-1
The other is The Human Side of Cancer: Living with Hope, Coping with Uncertainty. This was written by a psychologist at Sloan Kettering, and I have read it and thought it was worthwhile.
http://www.amazon.com/Human-Side-Cancer-Living-Uncertainty/dp/006093042X/re f=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252906822&sr=8-1
- By NotDyingToday
- Posted September 13, 2009 at 11:30 pm
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Here's one: a friend I had not seen for a couple months dropped by for a visit. She told me all about her sister-in-law who had just died, and then about someone else who died of cancer and then a third person. After that, she gave me a penetrating look and asked, "Are you really doing okay?" I said I am, I feel great etc. etc. And she replied: "Well I guess it just isn't your time."
Amazing what people will come up with.
- By Heather2012
- Posted September 13, 2009 at 6:51 pm
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I can't get over the kids asking about whether you're still a mammal. Hilarious!
One really wonderful response I got was from two elderly British women, when my husband and I were on vacation right after I finished treatment. We were at a beach, and I took off my wig to go swimming. When I came out of the water, the women came up to me and gave me a caramel candy, and said that I "deserved a treat." It was such an understated and lovely gesture.
- By lifeisgrand
- Posted September 10, 2009 at 10:29 am
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The other day a friend of mine flippantly said "so what's the survival rate of cancer these days... 80-90%... as if having cancer is just a minor annoyance most people survive. So I said, well for advanced stage ovarian cancer it's actually around 25% that make it 5 years but not necessarily 5 years without recurrence and ongoing treatment. "OH" is all she could manage to reply.
I feel sure I've said equally stupid things to people in the past.
I know people mean well when they say "you LOOK great" so I just reply... damn right I do! But the devil in me wants to say... wanna see my scar?... yeah it's great being bald.... I'm tired of passing river rocks for poo... my back is killing me... when I get up out the chair I walk like my 85 year old mother... my thyroid's whacked out so my heart races and I'm sweating all the time... and I'm scared to death every single day about when the monster will return. Have a nice day :).
- By Srvivr
- Posted September 10, 2009 at 9:42 am
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I started using mind power nine years ago. It is not an easy thing to do, what with all the dopey responses from concerned loved ones as well as strangers, not to mention your own doctors.
Once three years of intense mind retraining took hold, I was able to re-engage with the general public, armed with a "let me educate you" response to some of the most outrageous remarks as have been posted here.
Just remember healthy, blessed people have no idea what to say to a cancer patient. It is our obligation to educate them in remarks that are so flagrantly upsetting. Why should we feel bad and they not know they have caused that.
If you react in a calm, loving way, and do it immediately, pointing out exactly how they are making you feel, both your day and their future interactions with you will be saved.
My step daughter told me , pushing for a large home she wanted to buy, that now with me being diagnosed with ovca, she needed the big home (for when I die) and her father needs to move in with her. She was reported to my husband immediately by me, and had to come in crying and apologize to me and everyone else. PS: Here I am 5 years later and no one is more suprised than her.
Same girl, different date, telling me her friend has now been diagnosed with a second breast cancer. I immediately told her if she has any great survivor stories, to let me know, but to please not ever tell me the morbid stories, as they are not helpful.
My own first oncologist said, when I said, "Thank God there was nothing in the lymph nodes", replied that "Well, if they had moved the microscope over a 1/4 inch they might have found something". With more remarks like that by him, I left him and I am delighted with the spiritual and brilliant oncologist who now cares for me.
My gynocologist regaled me with statistics on ovca, like I had never heard them in nine years? He even had them wrong. I sent him the correct national cancer stats, which were way more optomistic than his, and asked him to send all my records to my new gynocologist.
Whenever I hear anything negative, I immediately say, "That does not apply to me". I recommend Wayne Dyers books as well as "Mind Power for the 21st Century" by John Kehoe. Also, "The Power of your Subconscious mind" by Joseph Murphy. Also, a "pray wthout ceasing" approach to life. The perfect antidote to worrying.
Your mind is influencing your body all the time. Only God knows when we will die. There are stage 4 patients who astounded their doctors, lived 20 more years and died of something other than cancer.
Keep the faith and keep educating people.
Survivr
- By Ciboney1
- Posted September 9, 2009 at 12:57 am
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I have so enjoyed the many comments and laughs as well on this site.. I must tell you I had Ovarian Cancer some 37+ years ago. I now am being treated for Bladder Cancer, supposely a result of extreme radiation therapy from 1972.. Funny they saved my life once to only give another reason to fight cancer again...
I thought I had heard it all until today. Your comments have certainly hit home for me..
Recently a family member said to me "you look so well, you beat this cancer to." My reply " Amazing I 'm surprised too that I do look pretty good but you should see my insides..If they looked as good as my outside I'd be cured"... What a look of surprise on his face.
I have used this phrase a few times. Usually gets a blank stare in amazement..Makes them think a bit..
Arlene
- By Jen457
- Posted September 8, 2009 at 1:28 pm
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Okay, so here's my story. It was about 11:30 at night and I was ready for bed. I had felt awful all day but suddenly remembered that I did not have any milk for breakfast. I threw on some clothes and took off for the grocery store reasoning that no one would be there that time of night. As I picked up the milk, a young guy was restocking the milk. I could not see him but all of a sudden he let out a wolf whistle. It stopped me in my tracks. I busted out laughing and then I could hear him laughing too. I told him, "God Bless you, you made my day." I know that he did it to be a smart a**, but isn't it funny sometimes how you take it?
- By Laurel-J
- Posted September 8, 2009 at 12:11 pm
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How interesting........... just shows people, not just kids, say the darndest things!! My Mother said, when I was recovering from yet another surgery, just home from the Hospital........ and told me I couldn't die before she did because she didn't know if she could take it. My reply, well, how do you think I'd feel?? She also told me I got the cancer from Dad's side of the family, that it runs in his side of the family. She meant well, but............ and when people ask me the less than appropriate questions, I mirror it back to them and ask, "why do you ask that?" Sometimes they have a valid reason so we can have a meaningful discussion. We must spread the word that this disease has symptoms, knowing them is in their best interest.
- By kibbitzqueen
- Posted September 8, 2009 at 12:08 am
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I try to remember after hearing most all of it before...
That people are grappling with what to say. They are just trying to relate to you on your 'cancer level'.
They say REALLY insensative things, like 'my next door neighbors mother died of cancer! She suffered a LONG time! I hope that doesn't happy to you! '
Uh.. gee.. me too.. you feel like saying!
Most cancer stories aren't happy ones. I'm SURE that when people say insensative things it hits them when they lay their head on their pillow at night.
When the day starts playing out in their head on the way to dreamland.. they have just GOT to be saying to themselves 'DUMMY! WHY did you say THAT?!'
I know when I met a lady a week ago at my last PET scan, she told me she had stomach cancer and was dying. She looked really good she didn't look ill at all.
She told me she had stopped all treatments so she could be 'healthy' and play with her kids and just 'be a mom' until she passed.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HER! ME!! ME???Speechless?
*I* HAVE CANCER! How did I NOT KNOW exactly what to say??????
I didn't want to say some of the stupid things people had said to me. I think one TV show called it 'Word Vomit'.
I had a few minutes before I was called for my scan and I carefully thought about what I was going to say to her. They called my name and it was just the two of us in the room. I said to her:
"I am very proud of you for being so brave. Your children will remember this time with you fondly for the rest of their lives. You are so unselfish. I hope I can be as strong and brave as you are."
- By metwo
- Posted July 18, 2009 at 7:19 pm
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momanderson920:
Thank you for sharing the piece about the good some special people do. Family is often the least helpful and healthy when the going gets tough!
Manuelaingermany: with friends such as that, who needs enemies? Perhaps with your non response she is fearing the worst.....?????
Hope you are all having a relaxing and rewarding weekend.
- By Manuelaingermany
- Posted July 17, 2009 at 8:31 am
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I have contacted a friend that I had lost contact with over the years. After about the 3rd email I told her I have cancer. She wrote back, that I should give my husband her email adress, so if "worst case" happens, he should write her an email, so she wouldnt be waiting to hear from me. Needless to say, we are on "lost contact" status again.
- By momanderson920
- Posted July 11, 2009 at 9:51 am
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A good one I heard said to my sister who is fighting Stage 3 non Hodgkins disease, is a single mother with 3 kids and has to work...well, Joannie (his wife) said you have the good kind of cancer. Keep in mind this is our first cousin, his wife is one of my sister's best friends who she roomed with in college and introduced to our cousin who is now her husband. She has not called my sister once so my sister called her. I was so galled by it I almost exploded. I guess if it is a "good" kind of cancer it gets one off the hook for calling and expressing any concern. The callousness of some people shocks me. But on the positive side my sister's neighbors have more than made up for our crappy useless relatives who have not brought her any food, offered no help, nothing. They have brought her food, cleaned her house, watched her kids, amazing!!! One of them even bought her a $300 wig!!! There are some wonderful people out there, but those crappy few can ruin your day!
PS There are NO "good" kinds of cancer....some may be worse than others, some treatments may be worse than others, but none are "good". Cancer is a horrible disease regardless of what kind.
- By metwo
- Posted July 10, 2009 at 10:41 pm
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paintergal: I could write a rant about the blame game, but it is the behaviour your boss exhibited that is the biggest problem as this enables, validates and escalates the problematic behaviour such as your client engaged in. Amazes me how crazy , hurtful and mean behaviour is not seen for what it is...but then if it was censured, then it would not be so rampant! The 'I am scared of her because she is mean/has cancer..." is just baloney and again excuses very unacceptable behaviour. The provacative person always seems to be able to play the victim to manipulate what is really going on... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
djwaz184: I hope you feel more comfortable soonest with your scars..badges of courage I would call them!
Ramsay14: That is a mouth opener comment! Are you still with the same oncologist or seeking another more empathetic soul?
JanKickingCancer: Out of the mouths of babes!!!!!!! I am no longer in the class room and have embraced my grey hair. After colouring this for many years as I went grey very young, I feel liberated and will not go and do this any more! My daughter was told by a neighbour "your mom should colour her hair" to which my daughter replied "my mother is so thankful she now again has hair!"
Women older than me with coloured hair stand up to offer me their subway seats!!!!!! :):)
As for the foot in mouth comment at the wake, people do say weird things!
lovemnms: No surprise as they all learned the same behaviour from a shared crackpot!
Brown_Eyes: Very funny....kids do ask the most interesting questions out of a genuine sense of curiosity. Adult mammals of the human variety have not always learned how to communicate with empathy and positive connectedness!!!!!
Hope everyone has a good weekend-with laughter and fun!
- By Jennali
- Posted July 10, 2009 at 10:38 pm
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BrownEyes, that is too funny! Kids do ask the silliest things, don't they? My younger son asked me recently if there were cars when I was a little girl.
- By JanKickingCancer
- Posted July 10, 2009 at 8:51 pm
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Thanks for that very big giggle! Kids are just so funny! Thanks for sharing the funny stories too! We truly do need that laugh!
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