I appreciate the care shown by people who have asked about my health as a reflection of their interest in my well being. At the same time, people do say the weirdest things and last week I, who is never at a loss for words, was left speechless! So what comments have you heard that are so wacky and bizarre, you simply are left shaking your head in amazement at what people say and do?
I had not seen an older lady over the winter when I bumped into her last week. She asked how I was doing and I answered (as I do to everyone,) "fine, ty." She then told me, whispering, that she had battled the same disease 18 years ago. I asked her if she had had Ovca to which she replied," No, breast cancer." Then she added, "but at least you were not mutilated!"
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Which is the most bizarre comment you have heard?
- By metwo
- Posted May 31, 2009 at 8:16 pm · 102 replies
- In Survivor stories
- Shared with the public
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- By Jennali
- Posted May 31, 2009 at 9:01 pm
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That one leaves me speechless, too.
Last year I attended a wedding shower. I was introduced to the hostess by my friend, the prospective mother-in-law. (She herself is a breast cancer survivor.)
She introduced me, told the hostess that I had had cancer, and then whispered loudly, "The really bad kind." I still wonder what the really good kind is.
- By shoppingkharma
- Posted May 31, 2009 at 9:13 pm
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I have never heard that one before and if someone ever said that to me; I would be compelled to pull up my shirt and show them my scars. Our initial debauking surgeries are a form of mutilation isn't it? I've been opened up 5 times abdominally; still recovering from the most recent (3/15). It's been over 3 months and I still feel cut up.
How do you respond to that one other than honestly? I wish you all the best!
- Jayne
- By katelynsmamaw
- Posted May 31, 2009 at 9:32 pm
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I ran into a girl I went to school with. I probably hadn't seen her in 20 yrs. I was wearing my bandana and I'm sure I did look bad. She said, "What's wrong with you? You got cancer?".............duh, yeah!!
- By Brown_Eyes
- Posted May 31, 2009 at 9:43 pm
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Ha ha, yeah whenever people stare at me because I'm bald (and never cover it anymore now that it's warm out), I always want to say, "it's called cancer, dumb@$$" not in a mean way, just in a wake up, get a grip kind of way....
One of my students asked me if you can still get lice when you're bald :)
- By metwo
- Posted May 31, 2009 at 10:31 pm
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Thank you for sharing your experiences of the weird comments. Laughter is always good and I find that this is my response, especially when I share with my friends the more than interesting cancer related comments I have heard since being diagnosed last year.
Jennali: what did you answer, if anything, to the comment you shared?
Shoppingkarma: I hope your recovery from the latest surgery goes well.
katelynsmamaw: What was the response when you said you had cancer?
Brown_Eyes: So tell us please, can one get lice when one is bald???ROTFLMAO
- By momanderson920
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 9:47 am
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I think what bothers me the most is when people say nothing and act as if nothing has happened. The one that bothers me the most is one that my husband often says and I have told him it is offensive to someone in my position, "it could always be worse"....if someone WITH cancer says that I don't mind but I resent sayings like that from healthy people ...with a passion.
- By AJ70
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 10:18 am
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What started to drive me crazy was when people, and there are many including myself before cancer, who are so ignorant about cancer and recurrence and the different types, stages, grades - who would offer the following prognosis:
Hey, don't worry!! My sister-in-law's brother's wife's first cousin had a huge tumor in her stomach and had it removed and went through chemo and is cured!! A year later she is just fine!!! You will be too.
OR, maybe even worse:
Just think POSITIVELY. I believe it is all about positive thinking!! So and so had cancer and she never once believed it was going to take her down and she is still fine- 15 years later!! It is all about the attitude!! I truly believe that Amy. You can beat cancer with a positive attitude! That's what it's all about.
No, it is mostly about the cancer. Type, stage, grade!
That drives me nutty because while I do know positive thinking and beliefs do help us through, and can help - one can also start to panic and feel guilty anytime a negative thought enters the mind - "oh my Lord I am bringing on more cancer because I am scared that it might recur!! I am not allowed to be scared or think negatively, EVER." Yikes, as if. We are only human. (this is not to say that I don't believe in the power of positive thinking, prayer, meditation, etc.)
Another one I got?
"Oh Amy. With all the stress you have been putting yourself under lately, it's no WONDER you got cancer!!!"
Huh?? My own fault??? I don't think so!!
How about,
"Hey - think of all the money you will save on tampons and pads!!"
OR
"You are so lucky to have all this time off of work, all this free time........" Huh????????
- By zircons
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 10:34 am
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I get are you really OK now? (I had surgery June 2006 with chemo until November). Then they ask my husband if I am really doing well. Since I look well, they think it is totally gone forever. They have no idea it is a chronic disease.
- By Eileen1941
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 11:15 am
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Hi Metwo and all,
Thanks for the giggles this morning, it is amazing what people will say when they are not really sure what they should be saying. I guess the only thing I can suggest is to laugh it off.
But my question is: What would you like people to say to you? Is there some way that we can perhaps educate the public in how to greet people who have cancer or other debilitating chronic diseases?
I would appreciate any suggestions that you have.
Eileen
- By bldrluck
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 11:15 am
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My hair was just starting to come back in and I was outside without a hat. My neighbor came over to say Hi and said "Wow - I didn't know that you colored your hair so much". The coach of my running group also made the comment one morning that I was showing off how much hair I had under my cap "Time to start dyeing it again, isn't it". They just don't understand how happy I am to have hair of any description growing on top of my head!
My mom, who has twice had stage 1 breast cancer - two different primaries - treated with a lumpectomy and radiation - actually asked me how bad it would have been if they hadn't treated things so aggressively. When I told her that I would probably be dead by now, she was actually stunned. I think many people's perception is that cancer is just a minor aggravation.
Yet I also realize how naive I was just a year ago...
- By Brown_Eyes
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 11:39 am
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Eileen,
In answer to your question... I have a hard time when people ask me how I'm doing because I don't know what they really want to know. So I've started just smiling at them and asking if they can be more specific.
I also don't really mind being asked just about anything because each question is an opportunity to educate someone about this cancer process. Which, like someone else said, I was completely naive about a year ago, no wait, six months ago :)
I think the bigger issue for me is how people ask-whether they're asking because they care about me as a person, whether they're asking because I'm a curious object to be objectified as a freak (which hasn't happened much anyway), or whether they're asking because they will gain information that they can spread around inaccurately (which also hasn't happened that much) with great distortion... Most people who ask me questions really care and that gives me the patience to be kind in my responses...
And I don't think you can get lice when you're bald because there's no place for them to hide and lay eggs... :)
OH, and my students have also asked me if I'm still a mammal??????? Don't know where the heck that one came from! Maybe they think I had a double mastectomy?
- By sephina
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 11:41 am
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When I was diagnosed 4 years ago and had to tell my mom, her response was , " You got that from your father's side of the family"
- By katelynsmamaw
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 11:56 am
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Oh, I have another one!......Right after I was first diagnosed I was at the grocery and ran into a lady I know who works there. She said, " My neice had that and she died within 4 months." Hello!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say I broke down right there in the store. I would NEVER say that to someone. You want to hear about the ones who made it, not the ones who died!
- By Elaine1
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 12:05 pm
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What sets my teeth on edge...along with instant forgiveness, is: "You look great!!!
I know it's from caring people and friends, and refrain from telling them "that's not my priority".
Instead, the expected response they get from me, is "
"Thanks."
Am in what I'm hoping to be the end of my firstline recurrence which happened after almost 3 years of NED!
Waiting for CT Scan results today or tomorrow. In the mean-time, hair growing back, but still married to wig and a few interesting caps.
I guess I COULD SAY "Well, could be worse", a pet peeve of someone else's post above.
LOL, , looking as good as I can, I guess, IS part of my priority, but honestly NOT looking for those obviously nervous reasurrances!
A simple, "how're ya doing?" would do fine.
Can't win 'em all, can we!
Elaine
- By ohmama123
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 12:46 pm
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I had a well-meaning friend carefully ask with concern how I was doing, to which I saide "I'm hanging in there." She immediately followed up with, very matter-of-factly, "Yeah, my husband's mother died of ovac a few years ago so we know what a deadly disease it is." My mouth dropped and I just didn't know what to say - it was so close to my diagnosis that I still would jump to tears pretty easily. I wanted to say "WTF!?!?!?" Why would you EVER tell a cancer patient about someone you know who died a terrible death from your kind of cancer?
I had another friend send me an email to say hi and tell me she was thinking of me, but instead of leaving at at that she said, "My friends husband is starting chemo again today because his cancer came back, so it made me think of you." OH - a cancer REOCCURENCE made you think of me? How sweet of you. Ugh......
I love the question about being bald and getting lice - thats priceless!
- By katelynsmamaw
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 1:26 pm
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AJ70---the next time someone says something about your positive attitude, you should say ," My dr said with my positive attitude I'd be ok, but I just decided to do the chemo as a backup." haha That'll shut 'em up!!!
- By tg4love
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 2:05 pm
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I think I'm in heaven sharing my war stories with all my new friends. All the things each of you have said match some of the comments I too have experienced. Depending on my mood, I react differently. But, until these people walk in my shoes they don't have a clue. I pray nobody has to go through the awful worry, pain and side effects of cancer. I feel awful for my family because they don't know what to say or do to help me. So, they run. My son hasn't been to see me in over 3 years, and my daughter came home one time during this treatment and none ever before. My husband has been very supportive. Neighbors say they want to do things for me, but when I did ask, once, they all had something else they HAD to do. I can understand to some degree. Maybe they will catch my cancer, don't you remember when you never told anyone you had the big "C"? I know when my mother had cancer in the 70's, oh, gosh, she was so afraid to tell anyone. Today, you'd think people would be more educated, but....still? I guess I'm rambling on.
All I have to say is, I'm trying to be strong and understand what others are saying and try not to misunderstand their meanings. And, I'm learning all this from YOU! I came to this web site in poor spirits, alone in this world, I thought, but not anymore. If nothing else, I've begun to appreciate my own feelings.
- By metwo
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 2:38 pm
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Again, thanks for the wonderful responses.
I will add that it irks the sh*t out of me to hear the unsolicited: "you look great." Did I look so bad before? :(
I wore a wig and a few people who did not know me well asked me," Nice new hairstyle. Who are you going to now to do your hair? "
LOL I answered once that I was wearing a wig and that stopped the conversation!
Momanderson: I hope your husband hears your request not to minimize and trivialize your cancer experience.
I have experienced the other side of the coin. People have shared with me some problem they are having and then state "Well it is nothing when compared to what you have gone through." I have to remind them that my experience is mine and theirs is theirs and we each own our own experiences so there is no "better or worse."
AJ70:
I love the comments which assign blame and also seek the silver lining to our experiences, "Think of the money saved on tampons!"
One of my own children has decided that our relationship is too stressful, so to "save me from the stress" and to ensure I have the right attitude(!!!!), he has distanced himself!HUH?????
Zircons:
Asking you and then checking up with your husband as if you are not capable...??????Yikes! I am divorced and people ask my closest friends if I am really fine!??? As if my close friends will tell them anything I would not!
Eileen 1941:
Good question. I would prefer that people say," I hope you are doing well," and leave it at that. I then have the choice of engaging further and in what direction to take the conversation or simply saying, "Thank you."
bldrluck:
I had a good chuckle at our similar experience. A neighbour decided that she needed to tell my daughter that I should colour my hair ( which I decided not to do any more as I love the white curls) and my daughter replied, "My mother is just happy to have hair!"
Brown_Eyes:
Glad that you are still a mammal!
I quite agree that my response to questions depends on why the person is asking. If it is the town gossip, then I share zilch, but otherwise I take my cue from who asks what...and my headspace on a particular day also is a factor.
sephina:
I cannot imagine how you responded. Well actually I can as my own father mused similarly...:):):)
katelynsmamaw:
A conversation stopper for sure!
Elaine1:
Wishing you very good CT results.
ohmama123:
What else to say but WTF!!!!LOL :):)
katelynsmamaw:
Nothing shuts some people up!
We all need laughter and however bizarre and irksome these comments can be, they are also amusing in a wacky way...so thanks all for sharing and lets keep sharing stories laughing....after all, we have all been told that STRESS RELIEF and a POSITIVE ATTITUDE is important !!!!! ROTFLMAO
- By shoppingkharma
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm
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This is the nicest comment I have ever received. When I first got diagnosed my husband and I got married just 2 days prior to my treatment. I had just gotten hired at this pharmaceutical company as an admin. I think my story must have inspired many because they all scraped up enough money for my husband and I to go to Napa, stay in a beautiful Inn, get massages, and a wine tour. While we were at the spa, my hair was just peach fuzz coming in; one of the ladies asked if I was a model because my hair was so short and she thought my bald head looked incredibly beautiful. That was the best one.
With my nephostomy bag (pee bag), I usually cover it nicely with beautiful scarves that match what ever I happen to be wearing. Most ask if I have had knee surgery but are always shocked when I tell them it's a pee bag. The looks on their face is usually quite shocking. I'm just glad to be of service to remind them to treasure their health and their loved ones.
- By shoppingkharma
- Posted June 1, 2009 at 2:54 pm
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Yeah I have to agree with momanderson on that abrasive comment. That one does suck, we should be the ones who say not them.
"It could be worse".
I'm not offended at all when someone tells me that they would have never known that I have Cancer. I guess to look that healthy only now I have the stupid wires and the bag hanging out like a sore thumb only it's a sore kidney.
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