stupid comments continued

I lost the thread on this discussion.

This is my first posting. My mother has been on here for a couple of months. She created an account for me to encourage me to get on here. The password she chose for me has ovca3c in it. I know she means well, but really, do I want to be typing that all the time? If anyone can tell me how to change it, that would be very useful information.

I guess I'm supossed to say something about myself now. I'm 42 and had my surgery June 6th. The doctor came in during recovery and told my husband and I the news of stage IIIc ovarian cancer. My husband started crying. I was so out of from the drugs I had no idea what was going on or why he was crying. I've read several posts on here and the hell some of you have and are going through. I'm still in denial because my brain is telling me I'm having these 6 rounds of chemo and then I'll be in remission the rest of my life. My hair is falling out and I'll be bald soon. I kept saying it wasn't going to bother me, broke down in the wig store Sunday, probably the first of many lies I'm going to tell myself.

Anyway, back to stupid comments. . .
Other than my mom incorporating my disease in my screen name and password, the worst comment was from my husband.

He was two hours late coming home the other night from a friend's house. When I asked him about it, he said he had been in the guy's driveway talking to him because his wife was dead too. I said, your wife isn't dead. He said he meant to say dying, not dead, and we should face the reality that right now I am dying and that's why we are doing the chemo to stop me from dying. I just looked at him. I am in denial this is something I will be dealing with for the rest of my life and he is telling me I'm dying.

If there's a prize for stupid comments, I think I win! :)

By jeaniet
Posted July 13, 2009 at 12:37 pm
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Well, the stats for all of us at Stage 3C and IV are grim, so I'm sure that is pretty much all your husband heard from the doc.
It is shocking, and terrifylng and life changing to hear those words from the surgeon.
Spend some time on this site and you will hear from many women who either had very long remissions, or have had many recurrences but keep going with different chemos. It is definitely NOT a death sentence.
Also, if you join any OC support groups, you can meet long term survivors. I met an elderly woman who was diagnosed 14 years ago with 3A and never had a recurrence so far.
On this site there are plenty of discussions about survival, and living, not dying.
With good care, and follow up, you will live, and hopefully, once the shock has worn off, you will full and well!
Maybe your husband needs a support group???
Jeanie

By Nanamom
Posted July 13, 2009 at 1:28 pm
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Oh the emotional roller-coaster of this disease! I am also IIIC dx 11/07. I wish your husband could meet my husband who has been my rock although I know he's had some tough times of it dealing with my mercurial feelings. I have a local support group friend who's also IIIC and now six years in remission. Her husband is a doctor. She said early on she asked him if she was going to be okay. He said, "Umm...I don't know." She told him that that's not what she needed to hear from him, he had to tell her that she would be okay (whether he was sure or not). That's what I need from my husband, too, reassurance that I'll make it. I've been explicit about this with him and he's been an excellent support.

Right now I'm facing a 'possible' recurrence but my husband says that if this is the case, I'll just have chemo again, go into remission, and maybe repeat this cycle a few more times and then, hopefully, there will by that time be new treatments and a cure. I share this vision and it keeps me going. It would probably help your husband if you could define and articulate what you want and need from him.

If you feel it would help, see if you can get counseling
and have your husband come; or, I agree that he could use a support group. I've always thought I had a decent marriage but the one good thing about cancer is that it has really strengthed my relationship with my husband. Best wishes to you! Janet

By khollett
Posted July 13, 2009 at 1:37 pm
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I am a 6 year survivor of stage IIIC OC. When I was first diagnosed I didn't want anyone to know, but unfortunately news of your newly discovered illness spreads to everyone. There are people in my husband's hometown that seem to know about my cancer that I hardly know. People think that knowing someone diagnosed with an illness such as cancer gives them the right to broadcast it to everyone. Even though its all with good intention. When you are first diagnosed you are in such shock at finding out you have cancer that you don't think about anything else. When I was first diagnosed in 2003, I thought this is it for me, I won't be here next year. I am here almost 6 years (in September) later. I had my first recurrence last year and I was really shot down by it, but I am doing ok now. During my 6 years of surviving, I have met and talked to many women who are doing fine, living good qualities of life. I DONOT think of myself as dying - and either does my doctor for that matter. You will be surprised at how fast the chemo goes. The first line treatment is very effective and I have not talked to anyone who did not benefit from it. Hair regrowth for me began right away. My hair came in thick and beautiful. I was Taxol/Carbo for 6 treatments and 12 months of maintenance with Taxol. I was bald for about 2 years. You will get through this - the first month is the hardest and after that it gets better.
Kathy

By kimlyn1228
Posted July 13, 2009 at 1:57 pm
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Thank you for the comments. I am 42 and my husband is 26. We have been married for 2 years. I feel so guilty that he is having to go through this and yes sometimes I feel that if this doesn't go well for me, he will be so much better off. Then, I think of my girls, ages 17 and 22, pray harder than I ever have in my life they never get this, and realize they still need me. So, I'm going to "fight" and "stay positive" whatever that means, and "beat this thing". I guess I'm retarded because before I came on here, I honestly thought I would do my 6 rounds of Taxol/ Carbo, be bald for awhile and that would be it. I know, what an idiot right? But, what do I know about cancer? Nobody in my family has ever had it.

By khollett
Posted July 13, 2009 at 2:36 pm
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You may very well do your 6 rounds of chemo and that may be it for you. Sounds like you have alot of good reasons to get healthy and stay that way. Noone knows anything about cancer until they are diagnosed with it. Welcome to the club that noone wants to belong to. Dig your heals in and fight, thats what I am doing.
Kathy

By Jean1
Posted July 13, 2009 at 3:48 pm
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Oh I'm sorry to hear that kimlyn,
I know it is really scarey right now for you.It feals pretty mch like a night mare right? It doesn't mean you gonna die, I can't beleive your husband said that. He might be really scared too. Like you said stay positive, thats what helps alot, and keeping a sense of humor. We are all hear for you. Jean

By bs13ocs
Posted July 13, 2009 at 4:33 pm
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Men don't know how to handle situations. Men are fixers, they want to fix everything and when they can't they don't know what to do. You are probably extra sensitive with the fact everything that you are going thru. Tell him you need him to be strong for you right now. You will get thru this! Be Positive

By abbaschild
Posted July 13, 2009 at 4:47 pm
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I was diagnosed in Nov. 2007 stage 3c...went thru chemo...finished June 2008...so far, so good!

Now, I am not planning on dying anytime soon...as a matter of fact, I'm planning on being here for my grandchildren's graduations and weddings:) I have 5 of them...ages 1 thru 11 :)

I am 56 years old...and I have a plaque over our front door that reads..."Grow old with me...the best is yet to be." My husband and I are counting on it! Hey, have your husband read our posts! Our life continues.........

Blessings and hugs!!!

By momanderson920
Posted July 13, 2009 at 9:51 pm
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Nothing is set in stone for any of us. I know the remarks are hard to ignore. I have had to deal with my share from well meaning family members....they seem to be the worst. Use the site in whatever way helps you...if you need to rant and rave or complain, whatever, we are here for you. We know what you are going through whereas the healthy do not, as much as they may try to understand...they just can't. Just because you are Stage III3C doesn't mean you are going to follow the statistics. There are 12 plus year survivors with Stage III3C and there are vaccines and new approaches being worked on all the time. Hang in there and post whenever you need to....you are surrounded by some great ladies on here.

By kmarienap
Posted July 14, 2009 at 7:21 am
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That is the best comment yey! lol Made me laugh! You are going through the roughest part right now. I too cried when it hit me that my hair was going to fall out. Lasted about 15 minutes. I felt terrible that here I had cancer and wasn't crying about that. I have met many who have done the same thing so this is normal if there is anything normal about this disease. I am stage 3c and just passed 5 yrs with no recurrence this past march. So remission is not just a dream! You can do it to! If nothing else you have your husband to keep you laughing! karen

By Kristardh
Posted July 14, 2009 at 9:07 am
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Sounds like your husband is scared and overwhelmed. I was diagnosed with stage III C ovca in June 2006. They were doing a hysterectomy and removeal of a large "fibroid tumor". When I woke up my OB/GYN was standing over me. My little 2 hour "routine" surgery took over 4 hours and she looked like hell. She just said, "I am so sorry. The tumor was cancerous, but I think I got it all. I had a general surgeon go in too." I was still a little out of it, but asked, "OK, what do I do next?" She sent me to some joker for chemo...a hemotology oncologist! What??? I flustered him with so many questions that he referrred me to a gynological oncologist that came to our town 1 day a week from Cleveland. Thank God, because he went in to take out a suspicious lymph node and do an exploratory surgery, and found cancer all over the place! It turned into a 6 hour marathon! He removed 12 lymph nodes...6 were positive, part of a cancerous fallopian tube and ovary, and had to "tease" cancer off the rectum. My surgeries were 2 months apart. I went through 6 rounds of chemo and I was done. I was again diagnosed in July, 2008. Although I am still in treatment, we are exploring alternatives to chemo now. It is just now that my husband said, "I always thought everything would be fine. I am getting a little worried." I guess that's because I haven't been worried, and I'm still not. So many good things have come out of my experience that I treasure and cling to. Look for them, because they will get you throught this.

By TvlBeach
Posted July 14, 2009 at 9:24 am
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Sept I will be hiting my 5 year mark with OC Stage IIIC. I too cried when I lost my hair the 1st time, but the 2nd I just wore a OC Baseball cap and started giving the symtoms of awareness to women! My 3rd recurrence I didn't loose my hair at all. My husband was a rock and I read up and learned about this disease and talked it over with him so he was educated too. In order to keep all your information in one place for future Dr. visits.... go to
www.ihealthrecord.org This will allow you to give the Dr's information about your history without answering the questions over and over again.
I take everyday as a gift. My husband and I took trips that we thought we would take later in life. I was DX at 47. It is not a death sentance!
Keep positive and Keep fighting!

By TeamInspire
Posted July 14, 2009 at 10:04 am
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Hi kimlyn1228,

You can change your password by going to "Me" at the top of the page, then click "Settings" in the blue bar and then "Password." There is also a link for "Screen name" if you wish to change that.

Hope this helps!
Beth, TeamInspire

By Laurel-J
Posted July 14, 2009 at 10:29 am
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Kim!!
Let's start from the beginning. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR, your survival began with conclusion of surgery. Apparently you husband is quite confused what ovca III-C really means! I know, I'm one of the club and will have survived 10 years on 9/9/09. YEA!! You are in a battle with the cancer and not the husband (I hope) and need to learn as much as you can about this disease. To effectively fight the enemy, one must know the enemy. First, a positive mental attitude helps so much. Second, this is not an automatic "get your affairs in order" situation. Third, the Password, ask the webmaster how to change it. Need I continue? This is a wonderful venue for venting your very real, frightened feelings. Now, let's get to the business of the rest of your life!! For me, the statistics were just that. I probably skewed the stats since I've outlasted the most optimistic of 'em!

Your recovery has already begun.
Best, Laurel

By Jen457
Posted July 14, 2009 at 11:47 am
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Kim,

When my hair started coming out, my hairdresser shaved my head. I just could not stand how it came out little by little. She also styled my wig and we both cried. It was the one thing that I could control--when my hair came out. One thing about the wig, in the winter it keeps your head warm and one other thing, I just shook it out, put it on my head and out the door I went. The one bonus is not having to fix your hair. When things get emotional between myself and someone else, I usually say, "You better say something to make me laugh or we're both in trouble!" I think you need to sit down with your husband and explain to him that you need him to be strong for you. None of this garbage about dying. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Your chemo may work very well--look at Lance Armstrong--his prognosis was very bad. I was reading this article on miracle cures. Each of the cases was documented. They each had something in common. They had gotten the flu, an infection, or something that jump started their immune system and cured their cancer. It is very rare but has happened. One of my friends said something that really touched my heart. She said, " I don't know what your chances are but let's say they are one in ten. Why can't you be that one?" I remember that every day. So ask yourself, "Why can't you be the one that beats the odds?"

By Shamrock2009
Posted July 14, 2009 at 4:21 pm
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Jen457,
What your friend told you about why can't you be in the good side of the odds is the same think I have always told my patients (I am an oncology clinical trial RN). So now that I have been diagnosed (1/2009) with OVCA IIIC I live by that myself--Why can't I be on the favorable side of the statistics???

By kimlyn1228
Posted July 14, 2009 at 6:36 pm
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It makes me cry to come on here and read everything you guys have said. I don't even know why. :) You are all so supportive. Thank you. I have always been the one that everyone comes to for help. My closest friends know I will kick anyone's butt that messes with them. I'm a hard a**ed *itch that doesnt take crap from ugly people so this new thing in my life, that I can't stand up to is flooring me. I'm hoping that tough as nails attitude will come back because this weepy female thing is not for me. :)

By Jen457
Posted July 14, 2009 at 8:06 pm
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Kim,
It is okay to cry--you have been given terrible news. The thing is to have your cry and then pick yourself up and move on. Do this as many times as necessary. It doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down. What matters is that you get back up and fight another day.

By kibbitzqueen
Posted July 15, 2009 at 1:43 pm
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Hey.. we are all 'dying' from the day we are born. I just don't plan on letting Cancer be the reason I LEAVE this planet.

Perhaps your husband was flustered or upset and just the wrong thing came out. Obviously it's weighing heavy on him.. hey.. a GUY discussing his feelings? with another GUY? He's really thinking about your situation and I'm sure his heart is heavy.

I know *I* have NO idea what to say when people tell me THEY have cancer.. and I've been at this for 18 years! (I am also equally clumsy when I see pictures of peoples kids and grand kids. What to say just pops OUT of my brain and I stumble).

I finally figured out that other than someone saying 'I hope you die from your cancer' they are just grappling for something to say or somehow to relate to you. Most people only have bad cancer stories. (read my post cancer rant you'll get a kick out of it)

Crying goes with the cancer territory. I cry at stupid things, I cry because the little oval cymbalta cartoon TV logo is sad or when I hear the Seasme Street Song. Go Figure!

I guess I'm still in partial denial after 18 years of dealing with cancer. It's possibly the best coping mechanism I have.

I hope all goes well for you. Forgive your husband. Read my post Cancer Rant. This is just the beginning of the stupid things people will say.

Cancer Rant wasn't written by me but I posted it on here a few weeks ago. Read it. It REALLY says it all on the subject.

Good Luck, Keep Fighting! And keep us informed of how you are doing. Be Strong!

Welcome to Inspire!

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