I'm not sure how many of you are in the same boat as me. I was diagnosed in 07 with stage 3 ovca. Rewind a bit. Hubby and I had one mission as soon as we tied the knot....have babies. Thats what our entire intimate life was staged around. Mind you, we had a lot of fun and got pretty wild, in the end, though, we wanted to get pg. I had miscarriages and then a daughter who was stillborn in my 23rd week. Then we had our son. As soon as the green light was given, we stared again. Another miscarriage and the the c-bomb. We've been intimate all of 2 times since. I have tried everything, including lingerie. But it didn't spark anything. Finally tonight, I said to him, Im sure of what the problem is....I said to him, you don't want to because nothing will come of it(meaning no baby). He said that I was partially right. I knew it(though didnt want to really admit it). It was a nice conversation, nothing mean of either of our parts. But it still stung. We have a great relationship but not an affectionate one. How can one fill a void like that??? We've only been married 8 years.
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Just Feeling Down
- By ThePhoenix
- Posted January 4, 2009 at 8:32 pm · 26 replies
- In Young survivors
- Shared with the public
- Edited January 4, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Explore topics in this discussion:
Cancer Surgery Counseling Miscarriage Anxiety Pain Depression Infertility
26 replies
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- By Krystlanna
- Posted January 31, 2009 at 3:21 pm
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I know self help books are not a fix it all but I found this one practically saved my marriage. It is called the 5 languages of love. You do not have to make him read it, but you may find something interesting in it and if you leave it on the coffee table he might find something in it too. It talks about the different ways people communicate affection. I know Physical intimacy is very important to you, me too.
Now this one is gonna sound very odd so if you are prudish stop reading, but have you ever shown your husband how much fun intimacy that is all about pleasing him can be? When I was pg and now with the pain of the disease process in my belly I cannot have sex... But I have still found ways to pleasure him. It may help him find the fun in intimacy again.
- By ca05
- Posted January 9, 2009 at 11:15 am
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Does great relationship mean you can talk about anything and everything? If so, that is great.
Can you reach out to him for a hug or just touch hands now and then? (You said you're both not affectionate.)
The biggest thing is the communication.
I'm sorry if this doesn't help. My husband and I are able to be affectionate, but not intimate because it hurts me physically. We massage each others feet and things like that. Sorry if this is way off the mark you may need.
- By momanderson920
- Posted January 8, 2009 at 4:50 pm
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Phoenix, I feel so for you since it is lonely enough having cancer but to feel lonely with your husband makes it worse. It sounds like he has trouble with intimacy and maybe has some issues with sex, too. I don't think the sofa thing is that weird. Some men sleep on the sofa because they fall asleep watching TV or get hot if the bed is not large, sleeping next to another person. It may not be a rejection. The fact that he opened up to you as you mentioned in your post sounds like he is willing to talk, so perhaps approach him about some counseling. Let him know that you are aware that your cancer has had its effect on him too and you feel like you both need some help in adjusting to the change in your relationship since cancer. Then it doesn't come across as though there is something wrong with him that needs to be fixed or he is at fault. I will keep you in prayer that you get some answers and help. There is always hope...if I have learned anything it is that things are always changing, many times for the good. Alot can change in a minute, an hour, a day, a week.
- By dollycat6
- Posted January 8, 2009 at 10:55 am
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I'm sure glad you opened up this line but I am in a different area. I am so sorry for your losses and feel so bad for your lack of closeness. This is my both our second marriage going on 7 years. Sex is a HUGE item for him and I used to be able to keep up somewhat since the cancer I have a hard time even thinking of it. Daily is usual but I really have to pretend as he won't have anything to do with me unless I agree. i feel guilty and like I'm letting him down as I knew when I married him intimacy was number 1. On my list it's like 0' You keep trying to get your guy off the couch and I'll try gettin' in the mood.
dollycat6
- By verlinda
- Posted January 8, 2009 at 1:22 am
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Maybe we could start an "inflatable hunky pool boys" business!
Sorry!
Seriously, Phoenix, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would suggest you start out by keeping the hugs brief. They can be really intimidating to a person who's not used to/comfortable with touching.
I'll pray that your husband will go to counseling and you'll get a wonderful counselor with the first attempt!
You've blessed us with the ways you're spreading the word on OVCA.
Let us know how we can help. We'll be glad to listen any time.
- By youngmom
- Posted January 6, 2009 at 6:32 pm
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Some men ( and I suppose some women ) are just not as affectionate as others. My husband is one of those types of people. I have accepted that. I have also accepted that our sex life may never be the same. Pheonix, I can so relate to what you are saying. I suippose we can hope that over time, we are able to return some intimacy to our lives.
PS Fireball, I love your suggestion - that was good for a good laugh. Where does one find a hunky pool boy ?
- By ThePhoenix
- Posted January 6, 2009 at 4:17 pm
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Maybe it's me. I should just accept the fact that we may never be intimate again. Its just hard when he's not even the affectionate type. Every time I try to approach the subject he gets defensive. I hug him and ask for hugs. He gives me hugs(when asked).
- By Dodie1
- Posted January 6, 2009 at 2:04 pm
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Like others have said, go up to him and give him a big hug.
...and yep! cats are great snuggers too
- By zircons
- Posted January 6, 2009 at 10:37 am
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Sounds to me like you have a problem and it has nothing to do with your cancer.
- By ThePhoenix
- Posted January 6, 2009 at 8:10 am
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He has slept on the couch throughout our marriage.
- By Eileen1941
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 10:23 pm
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Hi Phoenix,
You have opened a discussion on a very important but difficult subject. It is usually very difficult to convince a man to accept counseling and especially difficult to get him to open up about sexual matters. Gals, if you can convince your fellas to go to counseling, you have accomplished a lot!
I am somewhat older and so I have had a long time to observe human behavior. And I have found that talking helps but it can only go just so far. But if you really want behavior to change the best way to do it is to model that behavior yourself. It does take time for changes to come about but if you consistently set the tone, in time things will change. If you want more closeness with your husband take the first steps, but move slowly as rapid fire changes will spark anxiety in him and probably you too. Find some topics of mutual interest to discuss and try to plan some activities together that you both enjoy. Take a trip in your mind back to the time when you were dating and try to rekindle those feelings. Yes, things change drastically after a cancer diagnosis but you and your husbands are still the same people and you want to hang on to all the normalacy that you can. My husband and I have lost our ability to be sexually active too because of my cancer. But the kisses and hugs are still just as sweet as when they first arrived
47 years ago. Let your husbands know that you need his arms around you and you need those precious kisses on your lips. God Bless!! Eileen
- By zircons
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 10:13 pm
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You should suggestion going to a marriage counselor. Also, try hugging and kissing him. Sit down next to him and cuddle. In bed, move close to him and just hold him and tell him how much you love him. We have a rule that the first one up in the morning kisses the sleeping one and at night the last one in bed kisses the other even if he/she is sleeping. Also, we kiss when one leaves the house and when someone returns. We decided to do this when we married 47 years ago.
- By Fireball
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 9:40 pm
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Maybe they are afraid of hurting us? I say we just get hunky pool boys and be done with it. I would have a hard time explaining that one since we don't have a pool. Lol
- By youngmom
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 8:42 pm
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I can relate to this issue as well. My husband is not the affectionate type either, so most of our affection and intimacy had ocurred in the bedroom in the past. Although our sex life wasn't fabulous, it was "there", before my diagnosis. Since then, it seems to be gone. I do understand that they view us as different than before, and it doesn't mean they love us any less, but I still would like either some affection or intimacy. I am hoping that over time, as long as my health continues, that he will feel comfortable again.
- By SouthernBelle
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 7:29 pm
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I am so happy you started this conversation. I have been depressed over the holidays because I miss the closeness my husband and I shared. Since I was diagnosed in April, he has lost his job and finances are a struggle. Sex is now becoming a struggle because he is tired all of the time and I have no sex drive. I make sure I hug him everyday and tell him I love him as often as I can but still the sex is not that intense. I keep telling myself that I need to give us both time. Cancer is so hard to accept for both of us. We don't have children, just three cats, so many times I think I missed a lot being childless. I remind myself that if we had children then I could pass this gene to my child and that would make me go crazy.
My advice is just try to be intimate without sex first then sex probably will happen.
I guess I need to take my own advice.
- By Aliceinwonderland
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 6:18 pm
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When you want a hug, just go up to him and wrap yourself around him. A puppy might help too!! Love you sister....
- By Shelter
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 5:22 pm
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Wow my dear young wonderful lady you need a HUG ((Phoenix)); for all that you have gone through, and lost...
Its wonderful taht you have ignited this disscussion because of your willingness to be hoenst, open & vulnerable...
I appauld you for that
and for all those who have replied thus far...
I agree its time for some counselling.... as a couple
not because of lack of just sex.. but because it will help to strengthen and med
we could use some too, if mine was willing... and I hope he soon will be
We are "newly weds been 6 years now almost...
we are both married for the 2nd time";
Due to health issues.,... firs ton his side of teh fence... now on mine we dont ahve a sex life wither./..
but it seems that we are wokring on the issues of closeness.. both trying to be comforting compassionate.. but not sex driven....
That intimacy was robbed from us... due to Depression & side effects of meds, and now 4 years later I have this new diagnosis with PPC.
My THoughts & prayers are that you will KNOW you are LOVED.... with a love that is stronger than anything you could ever have dreamed of.....
or even dared to imagine.
take care... you are a very special woman in this world.
- Blessings
Mary Anne
- By ThePhoenix
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 5:07 pm
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Its not so much the sex that I miss. I miss being held. I miss the closeness.
- By Dodie1
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 2:50 pm
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It is nice to be able to talk to others going through the same thing.
My relationship with my hubby has never been based on our intimacy. It's been years since we've had sex and we're both okay with it.
I guess it just depends on the couple.
Take care & God Bless
- By momanderson920
- Posted January 5, 2009 at 2:30 pm
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ThePhoenix, I totally empathize as I have been very depressed too and have had similar marital difficulties. During treatment my husband left me alone but I figured afterwards he would reverse gears, but he didn't. I took it as rejection or that I was not attractive to him anymore. We feel bad enough from the cancer itself in feeling damaged and unattractive from the havoc this disease and the treatment has on our body. To have our spouse or significant other show little interest makes it worse. If you are like me, it is not that I miss the sex as much as I miss feeling wanted. Your situation may be alittle different as to causes but I do relate to the feelings of rejection. I agree, some counseling might help. He may be going through some things of his own in dealing with your cancer, too....I am sure it affects all our mates.
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