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Jealous and angry

bohan54
  • By bohan54
  • Posted July 14, 2009 at 9:16 am · 46 replies
  • In Recurrence
  • Shared with the public
6 Recommendations

Not attractive to admit to these emotions and right up front I apologize.
I am new to this community, introduced by a friend from MedHelp. Hope she doesn't disown me for this post!
Seems everybody here did their 6 months of carbo/taxol and live happily ever after or at least for a very long interval before recurring. Not so here. Finished first line in 11/08, CA 125 started rising immediately and altho on Topotecan since 4/09 it was over 4500 last month.
I feel I should go back to my old support group, I'm just too sick to be in this one. I sincerely wish everyone well even if I am jealous and angry.

Explore topics in this discussion:

Exercise Cancer Taxol Surgery Adoption Miscarriage Avastin Pregnancy Breast cancer Ovarian cancer Pain Depression Stress

46 replies

kimilu

Hang in there and God Bless. I am wondering the same thing, although my response has been slower returning. just the waiting and wondering.

AMG

Bohan,
"Jealousy" is an ongoing confession I live with. (I am Catholic so I go to confession) Jealousy is part of our human nature and to be expected, not denied. I admire you for having the courage to open the door on this topic!! I hope you don't leave our group. We need honest and courageous members.
You know who I am jealous of mostly...people with good health, like who have never had more than their appendix out or something. People who are enjoying their life because their bodies actually feel good. I could go on and on, but I might be asked to leave this website!!
It's healthy to be in touch with this emotion, because then we can move through it (until it creeps up again). If other members haven't felt "jealousy" before, then they must be in line for Sainthood.
~AMG

jeaniet

Hope you find some support someplace.......someplace that feels right for you.
I had only a 9 month remission, so I certainly am not in the "living happily ever after group!" :-)
Jeanie

zircons

Neither am I in the happily after group. I think those who don't have have recurrence are in the minority. Sure I know someone who has been in remission for 12 years (hers was 1A) and heard about someone who has been in remission for 50 years. I was only in remission for 2 1/2 years. Now it is back and I begin chemo again on Monday. Most of us have had recurrences, maybe we don't mention it every time. We are trying to help each other. I think this site is a great support and confirmation place. We tell each other about all the chemos that are available that we might speak to our doctors about and we buoy each other up in times of need.

MinnieM

Your emotions are your emotions, and all of us can relate because we're all secretly jealous of women who've never had cancer.

That being said, I'm really grateful for the women who are in remission and give me hope. Some got there after second and third line treatments.

Some of us are early in this process, and don't know yet whether we will or will not achieve remission; others have gone through 6-8 treatments only to discover at the end that their chemo did nothing, and they have to start all over again. You're not alone by any means, and never hesitate to vent on this site. We've all been there, whether we were near enough to our computers to put it into type or not.

Know that we're all praying for you.

celestdragon

i don't believe in 'happily ever after' with cancer. It's a little shadow on your shoulder, always saying "Im going to get you"...every little pain, or problem I have, I suspect is cancer, and I've been dealing with it in, and out for 11 years.....now my CA 125 is rising after a 2 year remission.....it's not really fun.

shoppingkharma

I too get jealous of others; particularly those who are able to have families where as my husband and I never had that opportunity. We can never adopt either (must be 5 years cancer free). Not that raising a child as I go through this would be easy to do.

Mine came back after 3 and half years but the trippy thing that go rid of my cancer for those 3 and half years was getting a severe case of peritonitis (the surgeon had accidentally cut a hole in my intestine while trying to insert a port). I had the second look surgery and was going to get more chemo only it was going to be the intraperitoneal chemo. Hope this makes some sense. But please do be happy for the little things you are able to do. I'm happy if I can do a normal number 2 each day or even go pee. I used to have to wear a nephostomy bag and I just had my 5th major abdominal surgery and started chemo again. I wish you all the best and feel free to check out my blog when ever you are feeling sad; hopefully it will cheer you up. Actually you could start your own blog as it is very therapeutic to write about your experiences and you go through this journey.

http://shoppingkharma.blogspot.com

koh847

Hmmmm....the reality is not what you have seen so far....wish it was. I have had several of my friends on this site have recurrences after a short remission and I have only been on this site for 8 months. Again, I wish you were right.

I understand your feelings...we all have mixed emotions. I hope you do well and stay involved on this site. We all learn so much from one another. Good luck and God Bless you.

:)Kim

bohan54

Hey everybody,

Thanks for not kickin me off the board. May need all the support I can get after I see the onc tomorrow!

FavoriteAunt

Most on this board are not living "happily ever after" - no matter how long it took for recurrences to appear. Many of us have been fighting for years (for me it's 8 1/2), chemo after chemo (even with remission breaks), and some with multiple surgeries and other health issues, so don't think there is no understanding. It's just the opposite. We rejoice in the remissions, however brief, and offer support for recurrences, not matter how frequent.

Stay and enjoy the understanding and experiences of these great ladies.

meadow

I hope that you waited for a response. Although my CA 125 has shrunk now I have 11 months of maintenance and my prayer is to be in the 2 year 25 percent survival group. That is why I celebrate the small things daily and do not look at the big picture. I have had side effects for 7 months and came here to find suggestions from the experienced. My breast cancer support group had people at all stages and we grew to the point that we could encourage, laugh with and grieve with all. None of as you know has a guarantee even for tomorrow. I am glad you let us know and now you will probably responses that pertain to you.

If your old support group feels more supportive maybe a combination of the two would suit you needs. God Bless your journey.

lovemnms

All of us have been crushed at one time or another from this. Your emotions are normal. Many have been jealous because we aren't as "healthy" as we once were.

It's hard to live "happily ever after" either with this monster shadowing us. I believe many of us look for something good to write about and pass it along.
We all have our moments, you're not alone.

I would also encourage you to stay on this site for a while.

When I get too overwhelmed I "sign off" for a week then come back. The woman here are great support!

melf

...and some days when Im feeling better or possibly having a "good run" I feel guilty. Because Im alive and so many of my friends have succomed to this disease, or because at that very moment I am feeling better than other friends deep in the trenches still ferociously battleing the enemy.
It truly is a double edged sword we live with. But, thats the optimal word isnt it, "Live"?
Feel those emotions "bohan" and share them. We of all people understand that need and its OK.

God bless,
Melissa

GEPI

Hi,

Wish you were right. But quite a few of us are exactly where you are. I found this a great support site.

All the best
GEPI

songbird78

Actally bohan I feel you in the MAJORITY here, not the minority. I happen to be one of those folks who do rather well ( went almost 4 years Stage 3b first dianosis but with this recurrance it was told to me I was deff not this, and was a Stage 2C) and already my CA 125 after 5 treatments of Carbo Taxol Avastin shows NED...call me lucky? nope , I just think its a twist of fate. I do no weird crazy diets, no weird way of life, THEY dont work , being sensible eating right and some exercise is they key. Though some folks will swear weird is the way....

I kinda feel in the minority here ,I dont have the side effects most of you have, so in away, im often afraid of jealousy backlash myself and dont post much,
I think here ull find much support and woman who understand.....

mloknitting

You are not alone. I just started this journey and am readying for the third chemo session where I'm more afraid of the chemo killing me than the cancer (allergy patient from heck here). I'm jealous of the patients who can just take the drugs without being afraid of everything they are hooking up - not just the taxol.

We found the cancer when I was readying to do another IVF and started chemo about a week before the anniversary of my one and only pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I'm already 40, I don't see adoption as a real option available to us - like shoppingkarma said.

I'm jealous not only of those who have no history of cancer, but of those who do and don't have my existing medical complications or have had kids. It sucks.

The thing is, we feel what we feel and sometimes those feelings are not pretty.

http://www.mloknitting.com/

Conners

I finished 9/08 with carbo/taxol and then started having symptoms in April 09. Recurrence! I am rarely out of bed and in a lot of pain this week. No one mentioned flu like symptoms with Doxil. I tried Carbo/taxol again and no luck so just started Doxil Friday. I have not gone anywhere except the dr. since May. I feel like crap most of the time. I only have one 7cm tumor pressing on my colon and Stage II. I don't understand stages III and IV and several tumors and they are working. I am tough normally, but just don't feel good. This disease is mean and cruel. It is going to take Michelle Obama, Madonna, or someone else notable to get this in order to bring light to our pain and get some cure. Don't get me wrong, I would not wish this on anyone.

momanderson920

Your feelings are perfectly understandable with what you have been dealing with and for so long. It is hard to be around people who are well when you are so sick or those who have not suffered as much as you have. And asking "why me" is human when you have been through what you have. I don't know why some do better than others. I have felt blessed to have had a full year of remission, though my Ca125 is rising and whether I will be joining you soon. But I do feel blessed when I see someone like you and some of the other girls who have been through so much and feel so badly that there are others who have and are suffering so much. I was angry and struggling just going through it the first time so I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who has been battling this thing with so many problems as long as you and others. Don't ever feel badly for expressing your feelings here with us or for being angry or jealous. It is perfectly understandable. I will keep you in prayer that you have some relief.
PS I felt those feelings when I would sit at my doctor's office and the staff were all well and perky and I wanted to scream at them. Or when I was around healthy people bitching about colds or having a bad day while I was going through chemo. You need not apologize ever! You have every right to feel like you do!!

bohan54

Thanks to all for the kind words. I just kinda feel like I'm going downhill on roller skates lately. Maybe a switch in chemo drugs will do something to turn things around - ok roll the dice, which one next???

Patricia123

I see us as all in the same leaky boat,,very few get to live happily ever after, I don't think I know a single one. I have a sister who had breast Ca and has been disease free for 24 years. She thinks about it every day, it has been a terrible shadow on her entire life.

I sometimes think those with longer remissions may have it harder in ways, just waiting for the shoe to drop is a significant cloud.

I have to be frank. The jealousy of another person feels like a toxin to me. And lately I am getting toxins as far from me as possible. I apologise in advance but it is part of my survival strategy.

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