Insensitivity to Cancer Patients

I was at the DMV today as my license expired. When I went up to the desk the woman told me I needed to take off my scarf for the picture, and I told her I could not for medical reasons and I would like to use my picture on file. She argued with me that I couldn't do that and tried to find a form for me to sign that said I needed to keep my scarf on for the picture for religious reasons. I started crying and told her I didn't want a picture of myself this way, that I was in treatment, and I would like to use my old picture. I was sobbing at this point as she had no sympathy for me or my situation and referred me to her manager. I had to stand in the middle of the huge DMV office, FILLED with people staring at me, as I sobbed, waiting for the manager, and to have them all watch me explain to him how I am in treatment and I didn't want a picture of myself with no eyebrows, a puffed out face and no hair on a license that will last me for the next eight years. He made an exception and used my file photo but I just couldn't stop crying. Who really wants to remember being in treatment by their photo on a state document? So my cancer is my identification? I left empowered to go to the governors office and insist that they make a change to increase sensitivity to those battling cancer, and instead I came home and crawled into bed feeling defeated. I wish I could have held my composure, but I had no expectations of having a new picture taken and was caught off guard. My avatar photo is the only photo I willingly had taken of me since diagnosis. Anyone else experience anything like this?

By lifeisgrand
Posted October 23, 2009 at 2:20 pm
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That just infuriates me. People in jobs like that seem to take some kind of joy at having power over people. They should use some common sense and respect for people. They may be in your shoes one day and will realize the kind of hurt they cause.

I also didn't remove my hat during the star spangled banner and a few times felt perhaps it was disrespectful but too bad... not going to show the world my baldness just for the sake of tradition...

By momanderson920
Posted October 23, 2009 at 2:31 pm
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Not a bald situation but toward the end of my treatment I went to the grocery store I always shop at and got a snippy little cashier who when I had the wrong item for the coupon insisted that I go get the right one myself, while the bagboy was standing right there. Then she took her sweet time and deliberately went over every coupon I had and offered no help in carrying out my groceries to the car. I was so weak I didn't think I could push the cart out to the car since I had just had treatment that week. I did report the cashier to the manager as I left but the redeeming act was a kind man behind me in line who followed me to my car and put all my bags of groceries in my car and then told me he blessed out the little cashier for her insensitive uncaring behavior. But I went home and had a good cry after that. Some healthy people can be very calloused, especially in places like the DMV. Good for you for reporting it. I did have a tearful moment when renewing my military dependent ID card and having to wear my bad wig for the picture. Fortunately my kids helped me turn the cry into a laugh since they can bring humor into anything. It's the only way to get through cancer at times, but sometimes it is overwhelming and sad and you can't laugh.

By melf
Posted October 23, 2009 at 4:02 pm
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Before I read your post, I was thinking about how you have a "good face" and can carry off the "no hair" gracefully.
Your post made me sad. We are reminded all the time how callous the world has gotten. I just dont understand people but listening to the stories my High Schooler comes home with I see alot of this is due to poor poor upbringing- non caring and selfish kids with parents to match. The other part of me says that they are just stupid. cant think past what they were told to do to make any exceptions or to see the entire situation and act accordingly. I went through the drive thru to get a drinks for the girls and I one night and it was something like $2.56. I gave the kid at the window $5.46. Instead of understanding what I was trying to do and telling me I was a dime short on the change, the boob gave me even more change. What? I laughed- she just did not get it. These are the people that will eb making decisions for the world in a few short years. Maybe cancer isnt such a bad thing- I wont be here to see them in action.
Melissa

By ohmama123
Posted October 23, 2009 at 6:53 pm
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thank you for the birthday wishes! :) The good part of it all is that I had to interact with 4 people, and the other three were all very kind - gave me the tilted head frowned mouth "poor you" look that we all have gotten and wished me well in my health. So only 25% of my DMVs' employees are super insensitive.

momanderson-I am so sorry that you were treated that way. Sadly, I do think that a lot of the younger generation is insensitive to acting with respect in general, let alone sensing what the right thing to do is. I am only 38 but I already find myself saying "Back when *I* was a kid we did the things the right way" lol

melf - thank you for the compliment but sadly I have since gained over 30 pounds and am very puffy!! Oh - and have no eyebrows. Not a pretty sight for carrying off even the best head of hair! :)

lifeisgrand-I have also been in that situation of not taking my hat off for the national anthem. I debated about freaking people out but decided against it... I wasn't as sensitive to it as I am now though either.

By kimfromaugusta
Posted October 23, 2009 at 7:19 pm
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What I find interesting about myself is, I don't wear scarves or hats or wigs to hide my head.. I am proud of my bald head.. I have endured quite a bit, if it makes people stare or snicker, that is their hang up.. now about the picture situation, on that topic I am the same way.. rescently I went to my family reunion and refused to take any pictures.. I didn't want to be remembered for ever as the bald, sick relative.. but day to day I don't care what they think.. strange I know

By pat813
Posted October 23, 2009 at 7:43 pm
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Sorry to hear about your situation at DMV. I would have reacted that same way.

It is similar to a situation I had. After my surgery, I had gained 20 lbs and was very swollen, so had to remove wedding ring. I put it on dresser along with other cards and flowers etc.. A week later...no ring? I looked EVERYWHERE and couldn't find it. When I called insurance company to report loss, I think that the claims agent didn't believe that it "disappeared". I was getting ready to start treatment and didn't want to not have a wedding band. When I called the claims rep to check on status, she "suggested" that I may want to keep looking for ring in my house? I was so upset that she would insinuate Insurance fraud ( as if I needed any more bad karma) that I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably and told her about my cancer. Ironically, she was 10 yrs ovarian cancer survivor herself.

It was meant to be!

PS You Do DO BALD very well!

By Cheryl4Teal
Posted October 23, 2009 at 8:45 pm
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First I think you really pretty bald. I really do, I wish I was half as pretty bald as you.
Second...I had to not renew my licence but lost it and had to get a new one. Now in NJ DMV are considered BRUTAL. I had no trouble really. I said to the lady can I use my old pic cause of my cancer. I thought I was in for a hard time. My luck she said , I had cervical cancer , I understand and used my old picture.
People can really be insenstive. I do feel for you. I really feel people have no compassion for anybody anymore. Im sorry they upset you , heres a hug from me and a happy birthday!
Cheryl
Im sorry you got so upset

By Teapotlover21
Posted October 23, 2009 at 9:17 pm
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Hi, I'm new to this site and read your post and got so upset!!! My daughter is 17 years old beautiful and has stage 3 C ovarian cancer - she won't leave the house becuase people stare at her - this hurts so bad becuase she was a very out going girl - cheerleader since 4th grade and now a senior and can't go to school or even cheer! What can we do to make this world a better place for people like us (I'm a survivor also - but never had chemo - I had thyroid and kidney cancer which neither get chemo) The first time my daughter came home and told me that a lady stared at her on her first outing with no hair - then the lady even made a comment to her about wearing a winter hat already - I wish I would have been there becuase I will put people in their place!! You are beautiful :)

By koh847
Posted October 23, 2009 at 9:44 pm
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Hi...read your story and cried too. It made me feel so sad, I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I was able to feel just what you had to be feeling and I am sorry you had that happen.
Hugs to you,
Kim

By ThePhoenix
Posted October 24, 2009 at 9:31 am
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I would write a letter to the governor of your state. Advise him/her of what occurred and say that state employees need to be more sensitive to peoples situations especially cancer and chemo after-effects. Bythe way, Happy Birthday!!!!

By wright2fight
Posted October 24, 2009 at 9:38 am
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After reading your post I wanted to go to your local DMV and kick the crap out of someone, which is so not like me. I'm a middle school teacher so people believe that you must be above emotional sensitivity. Fighting cancer while teaching has been an interesting but worthwhile journey for my students. It has brought out some super entertaining questions. Likewise, a true sincerity that I haven't seen in an entire group of young kids has been really nice to see. Sensitivity is something that is taught and modeled. I don't think that sensitivity is an innate ability Sensitivity to others is sometimes hard for some people to grasp. The old saying,....Apples don't fall far from the trees! So, if some idiot is really rude I will put money on it that there were parents out there that didn't do their job.
Best pissed off and funny all rolled into one moment!
Disclaimer 99% of the people have been great, there is that 1% out there.......

I had a women stop me to tell me that there was no way that I could have bad cancer because I was so positive and upbeat! I almost started laughing! First, I didn't know there was a new diagnosis called "bad" cancer. Second, I didn't know that I couldn't be positive and upbeat. Like the depressed, emotionally unstable, crazed, I'm going to rob a bank today and do someone in look would be more what she wanted to see. I know that she probably meant good things, but it just really threw me!

The head tilt, my dog was just run over by a car look, arm grab, how are you doing chat from people used to really crack me up. Crazy crap would come to my head as I would politely stand there. First, I know that they really mean well. Second, I so know that I used to do the exact thing. I always have wanted to say crazy stuff back like...... "You know I'm great! I just had sex with three truck drivers over in Dubuque!" Better yet, I should have grabbed my chest, slumped over, and yelled out that I can see the light!

You know, I think that if I was you, I would wait until my hair came back in and make a return appearance at the DMV. I would personally find the woman and give her a nicely wrapped gift! On the card I would write, "I bought this scarf for you because by the looks of it, you need an improvement!"

Yes, I know giving you that idea was so wrong!
So go Fight Like a Girl and kick some cancer a#$!

If I could give you a huge hug I would, but there is a lot of H1N1 going around. :)

By JanJ
Posted October 24, 2009 at 10:37 am
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Just weeks after I finished chemo, I had some hair growing back and I was no longer wearing my wig. It was time to renew one of my passports (I'm a dual citizen). I debated: do I put my wig back on or go as I was for the picture? I decided on the latter and now when I use that passport, the security people take a breath in confusion, and I proudly state that I'm a cancer survivor!

By Jen457
Posted October 24, 2009 at 1:12 pm
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What I don't understand is why when you explained why you wanted to use the old picture, the DMV person did not explain that they normally do not do that and that you would have to talk to a manager, and to find a seat. What is so hard about that? Some people have no common sense. Also, I do not believe women must remove their hats for the national anthem--especially one that is undergoing treatment. Stand proudly, put your hand over your heart, and sing loudly! :)

By Jen457
Posted October 24, 2009 at 1:27 pm
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Teapotlover, As much as you want to protect your daughter all the time, you just cannot do it. Somehow, you have to turn it around on them, "Did you see how that woman looked at you? No manners, what a doofus!" Tell her how good she looks without hair--I wished I looked that good! Earrings help a lot. Find some fun caps for her to wear. Or even some "Chemo Sucks" ones. You have to be so strong for her and show her how a person handles adversity even though you want to put your head down and cry until you have no tears left. What about her friends? Can you get them involved? Can they come over and make T-shirts of support or make caps with your daughter's name on? Is their a young cancer survivor's support group near by? Ask at the cancer center and MAKE your daughter go. It is mind blowing to discover that others have some of the same issues you do and not only that you discover others are in a whole worse position then you are. Don't get me wrong--it is okay to feel sorry for yourself and cry. But you have to keep getting up and face the day no matter how many times it takes. And last.....one day at a time. Hugs and prayers to both of you!

By Angel1955
Posted October 24, 2009 at 4:49 pm
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ohmama123,

People can be so caloused, and sometimes the other extreme where they show too much sympathy in my mind.

I have both examples:

In 2006 after my treatments, my husband and I treated ourselves to a trip to London, England with a cruise on the Queen Mary II across the Atlantic to come home. We had planned the trip before my diagnosis. I was worried that I would still be too weak and not be able to eat (cruise ships = food!) so I had my doctor write a prescription for Boost, along with a letter. This was when the liquid ban went into effect on the airplanes. Sure enough, when a snooty flight attendant saw my Boost (I had brought two bottles along in my bag to get through the long flight) she said, "Oh, I am going to have to take those from you." and I said, "No, actually, you are going to put them in the refrigerator and give them to me later to drink" while I gave her the letter and prescription from my doctor. You should have seen her face! A lady with a scarf on her head from a couple rows back stepped up, an obvious cancer patient herself and said, "Good for you! Us cancer patients need to stick together!" It was a great moment!

The other end of the spectrum was when I was in the beginning of chemo treatment in the clinic, before I got my port. The nurse had poked me several times, with no luck to get a vein. My emotions kicked in and I was upset when I finally came back out to the waiting room to wait to go into the chemo room. I was sobbing a bit and trying not to show it, but I looked around and realized all eyes were on me. Most of the people had that puppy dog look with "poor thing" written all over their face. I just wanted to scream at them to stop feeling sorry for me. I hated it.

I have since become much more resilient! Like the saying goes..."That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

Stay strong!

Angel

By lifeisgrand
Posted October 24, 2009 at 5:14 pm
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The truth is cancer has chilled me out a bit. I used to be rather impatient. Once I was bald and wearing a scarf when I went out I had to be careful to mind my manners. Didn't want to give a bad name to cancer patients... LOL...

By katelynsmamaw
Posted October 24, 2009 at 5:24 pm
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Oh Kristin, I'm sorry you had to go through this. I totally understand you not wanting to have that on your license for 8 yrs. And to have to say in front of all those people! Some people are just insensitive and just down right jerks!! I'm sending you a big ole cyber hug right now!!!! ;)

P.S. I'm going to check my license expiration date right now! ;)

By wolfi
Posted October 24, 2009 at 6:08 pm
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Yep I sure have had this experience my dear friend. Good thing I was not there with you I would have slapped her silly for sure. I am sorry for what you went through and we understand here. It just tends to make us tougher I say. Just not right when it happens. I was in Las Vegas with hubby and had just finished my chemo when we decided to see a show. Well.....we sat at a good table with others and it was sorta towards the back so I felt comfortable leaving my smart looking red hat on. Ha! A lady (I have another name for her) asked me to remove my hat as the show began. I paused...hoping she would get it maybe. But- she hollered at me this time. My hubby started to stand up and say something but I just took his arm and sat him down and removed my hat.All at our table got a little quiet and then went on as normal. I wanted to cry so bad but I fought it off and was glad it was a comedy show. Howie Mandell. People can be just awful . I am so sorry for your DMV thing there but know many of us have a story such as yours to tell. Bless you. Hugs and be well kiddo.....Jan

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