I lost my daughter

• By JennyNZ (Inactive)
• Reply 3706539
• January 14, 2013 at 11:54 pm
• Report post

I am so sorry for this terrible news. But please, please, don't blame yourself. Young people go through all manner of distress and there is nothing we can do about it. It is the truth of the human condition, that as much as we want to, we can't teach our youngsters what we have learned - they have to go through the pain themselves.

But I am very sorry for what you must be going through yourself. I do hope you have someone there to support you.

With love
Jenny

• By verlinda
• Reply 3706568
• January 15, 2013 at 12:13 am
• Report post

Blue,

I am so sorry about your daughter.

Do not blame yourself. When your daughter was a teenager in middle school or high school, was there at least time when she said, "I hate you"? If so, you soon knew she didn't hate you. It was a mean thing teens say at one time or another.

Saying you had changed since having cancer to excuse her behavior is something kids in their early 20s do. Ten years later most of them say they were wrong. They just didn't want to accept that they needed to grow up. Your daughter probably would have realized that later.

I'll be praying for your peace and comfort.

• By katrhi
• Reply 3706626
• January 15, 2013 at 12:44 am
• Report post

Blue, I'm so sorry for you. I don't think a parent ever gets over a child's death, and you will see/remember her every single day so she is still with you. Know that her death is not your fault. You cannot help that you have cancer. I had some difficult times with my daughter when she was a teen. I'm sure you did the best that you could. We all do as parents. Verlinda is right; children don't know until they experience parenthood. Take care. You are in my thoughts. Kat

• By RobertL01
• Reply 3706725
• January 15, 2013 at 2:12 am
• Report post

I am so sorry, my dear friend. I cannot say anything that will make sense to you, just remember that Henrietta really does love you. Whatever you do, please do not blame yourself - her leaving was not your fault. You, nor your disease, have done nothing that would cause this. I lost my son in 1995 to suicide and then his daughter a year later to a drug overdose suicide. It was devastating to my wife and I both, truly devastating, yet we did not cause either one to do what they did. Everyone changes over time yet it is so slow that it is not recognised. We did not know why then and I still do not but I do know that they loved us. We do not know all of their lives and what they knew. I still mourn them but I have to go on with my life. They made their choice knowing that they would hurt others who loved them - perhaps that is what they wanted at the time - I do not know. You have no choice but to be you and at the same time remember her. We never know why, but that does not stop our love for them. We have their memories and their love that cannot be taken from us. I do understand the need to hold so badly that it hurts and the loneliness - I guess that is the price we pay for their love. Remember her and the sweet memories you shared.

Your friend,
Bob

• By Bengalspice
• Reply 3706782
• January 15, 2013 at 3:50 am
• Report post

Your story is gut wrenching, and there are no words that can ease your pain. But please do not feel guilty for having cancer. Your daughter didn't understand then but she does now. My prayer for you to have peace of mind.

• By barbie115
• Reply 3706800
• January 15, 2013 at 4:30 am
• Report post

I'm so sorry for your loss. You can't blame yourself for this. Please try and remember the good times. You are in my prayers.

• By judy75002
• Reply 3706814
• January 15, 2013 at 4:52 am
• Report post

Can't imagine what your going through. Do not blame yourself. No words come to me that seem appropriate. Take care of yourself. You have been given a big double whammy!! People make choices in life. It is your child and hurts soo deeply.
Many prayers for you dear!

• By Lovinmygirls
• Reply 3706845
• January 15, 2013 at 5:55 am
• Report post

My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry. Yes, please don't blame yourself!! Praying for comfort.

Lisa

• By chrystynh
• Reply 3706895
• January 15, 2013 at 6:48 am
• Report post

I am so sorry. But please don't blame yourself. Thinking of you.

• By SantaMarie
• Reply 3706949
• January 15, 2013 at 7:24 am
• Report post

Oh I am so sorry. The loss of your daughter has to be so painful. I pray for you. Be strong.

• By Mom82
• Reply 3706997
• January 15, 2013 at 7:55 am
• Report post

I am so sorry for your pain, loosing a child must be the hardest thing in the world. You cannot take the blame though. No matter what we do or don't do, there is little control that we have over our own children at that age. Who knows what goes through their minds, and you probably could not have done more, even if you never had cancer.
I hope that time will give you acceptance and peace. My heart goes out to you.

• By MaggieK
• Reply 3707107
• January 15, 2013 at 8:40 am
• Report post

I am so very sorry for your loss. Ten years ago my son almost died from a drug overdose. I found Alanon and it helped me to understand that it was not my fault. Alanon is the sister organization to Alchohoics Anonymous for people whose lives are affected by a loved one who is an alchoholic or addicted to drugs. One of their many slogans is "one day at a time". I pray you can find some peace one day at a time.

• By HeartsToYou
• Reply 3707160
• January 15, 2013 at 8:57 am
• Report post

I'm so very sorry!!! But as to what she said, she doesn't feel that way now- her spirit is
all changed, all pure, all LOVE. And she is around you- with you. Try, talking to her
and she may give you signs that she is there. I know it's not easy to stop
beating yourself up but please try....you did the best you could and she knows that now!!!
She knows a Whole Lot More than we do!! She is the person you remember, she is the
child you raised once again, untroubled, at peace, and giving you divine guidance.
I'm sorry that you will be seperated for awhile....
And they say cancer is bad......there are some things that are so much worse, like losing
a child (from your sight).
Grief has steps and you just have to climb those steps one day at a time.
I will be praying for you. And I know the crying comes in spurts. Try to feel her warmth.
Hearts

• By 2baware
• Reply 3707328
• January 15, 2013 at 9:54 am
• Report post

As with all, I am so very sorry for your loss. Grief is like an ocean, sometimes the waves lap at your ankles and sometimes it simply bowels you over from the force of the wave. The pain will get less severe with time, I do know this. It will always be there, I break into tears with just a thought of our Kaley who died much to young still 6-years later. But sometimes I also think of her with a smile on my face and no tears. Everyone is different, every grief journey is different. I so look forward to heaven one day just to see her stunning blue eyes and beautiful smiling face. Draw nearer to God, he will hold you tight and give you rest. I found this poem many years ago and it gives me peace. God bless.

Stepping onto a shore and finding it heaven, taking hold of a hand and finding it was God’s hand, breathing new air and finding it celestial air, feeling invigorated and finding it immortality, passing from storm and tempest to an unknown calm, waking . . . and finding it home.

• By marciar2_2000
• Reply 3707344
• January 15, 2013 at 9:59 am
• Report post

I'm so sorry. What a devastating thing to happen. Losing a child is the worst pain anyone can experience. You both were dealing with terrible illnesses -- not the fault of anyone else. Sorry

• By normac
• Reply 3707421
• January 15, 2013 at 10:22 am
• Report post

Dear Blue, I am so sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am thankful for our Brother Bob and his advice to you, since he can relate much better than any of us who have not been where you are. Please don't blame yourself. Love and hugs -- Norma

• By 3978bee
• Reply 3707470
• January 15, 2013 at 10:40 am
• Report post

My dear Blue, This is such sad news. The heartache must be unimaginable. You didn't cause this. Of course you changed when you got ovca. We all change - everyday. Even without the ovca, you would be changing. The cancer makes an easy handle for you to hang your daughter's misery on, but don't park your grief there. It's not your fault or the cancer's fault. As hard as it is, Henrietta was the only one driving this bus. I am so sorry she was so unhappy and dissatisfied with her life. I used to want things to be my fault - then I could fix them. I would rearrange reality so I could say things were my fault. I had to learn that is very unhealthy thinking - you can't fix it anyway. Just like our cancer, we search for a cause - I did not eat the right foods, I took hormones, I was overweight, I had too much stress, I ignored my body, I ate the wrong foods, etc. etc. We didn't cause it; we can't fix it. It's the path we walk, sometimes with pain, sometimes with grace. I will be praying for grace and peace for each member of your family. You have many supportive friends here.

• By cookie1126
• Reply 3707481
• January 15, 2013 at 10:43 am
• Report post

My heart aches for you and my prayers will be with you. I found over time I was able to see beauty in moments that she would have been drawn to and it gives me comfort that we have these shared moments. We all have to be responsible for what we do with our feelings. You are no more responsible for her actions than you are for cancer. This is a good place to come for comfort, venting and funding new friends.
Cookie

• By MamaJoButler
• Reply 3707570
• January 15, 2013 at 11:10 am
• Report post

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son eight years ago to suicide, so I can relate to some of what you are going through. Please don't blame yourself, she wouldn't want that. I used to blame myself, but came to the realization that my son was in pain emotionally and wanted to end his own pain, not to cause pain to me. Missing her will never go away, but over the years it will become easier to bear. What has helped me is to remember that my son is always with me, everywhere I look I can see him and feel his presence. It's okay to miss her and to cry, but also remember to take care of yourself. I will be praying for you. Please feel free to private message me if you want to talk.

• By KAQ
• Reply 3708125
• January 15, 2013 at 2:14 pm
• Report post

My heart hurts for you. Please do NOT blame yourself. I am sorry this has happened to you. May you find peace.
Cherish the good memories.