Hope4seka: The switching of Hats while Fighting Cancer

My mother felt the very same way. The ironic thing is, she had cancer and passed away while I was in what I call 'remission-ish'. She found out about her cancer in February (on my birthday mind you) and was gone at the end of May. She was my rock, my confidant, my truth and my philosopher. She always said when things were at their worst 'This too shall pass'. I don't know how that was supposed to comfort me, never gave it all that much thought. It came from momma and it made me feel better.

I, too, was a young single mother with two small children. Youngest was 1 1/2 and oldest was seven when I found out about the cancer at 32. I was fresh from my second divorce (first one was 8 years + 2 kids, second was a whopping 8 months) I went to have my tubes tied and SURPRISE I found out about the cancer.

My mother was a wreck, absolutely heartsick, heart broken, life sick. I'm sure my dad was devastated too, but mom felt it to the bottom of her toes.

It's hard to be the daughter when you know your mom is so heartbroken about the situation. When you can FEEL how bad Mom feels and there's nothing you can do to make it any better and yes, the guilt (stupid as it sounds) that you've brought this heartache to the woman who loves you so dearly that She would actually give her life for you if she could.

It's also hard to feel the need to do it all... being the daughter, the mother, the house keeper, the bill payer, the cancer patient, all the hats we wear and... like it or not define ourselves by. We NEED to do what we used to do just to feel normal whether we wear ourselves out or not! We just need our regular lives back! To FEEL the feeling of being 'normal'. AND the feeling of NOT FAILING. Those are OUR plates to keep in the air! We SHOULD be a great daughter, mother, house keeper, bill payer, cancer patient, that's what we're on this earth for!!!

I don't tell anyone everything I deal with on a daily basis. I didn't even tell my mother when she was alive. I didn't want to worry her. I found out quickly that others are just being cordial when they ask 'how are you doing or feeling'? Well, I just say, 'I can't complain... wouldn't do me any good if I did'. It seems to quell the curiosity and those that REALLY want to know (like my Auntie Mary) will say...'now tell me how you REALLY are doing' and I'll pick one thing to tell her (why bother her with all of it?) "I've been having trouble with sores in my mouth.. that's why I'm talking a little funny. It will be better in a few days."

My Dad told my mom before she passed that he wished we had the same relationship as she and I did. He wanted to be there for me too, when mom was gone. BOY IS HE PROBABLY SORRY! I talk to him about what I would talk to her about, hemrhoids, vomiting, lack of sex drive... everything I would discuss with my mom! POOR GUY! Be careful what you wish for.. you just might get it! LOL

I think my FIGHT came from the fact that I didn't want my ROTTEN ex husband (the girls bio father) to raise them. If I died.. he would get custody and raise them. BUT NOT the way that I wanted them raised!!!!!!!!

I have intelligent, opinionated, caring, nice, good girls. That would NOT have been the case if HE would have raised them. I couldn't let the cancer get the best of me. I HAD to make it.. I HAD to be around to raise my kids!

Especially after mom passed... she would have put up a good custody fight.. but after she was gone... HE would have been the one to raise them. NOT WHILE I WAS STILL AROUND!

Bottom line is, Seka needs you to be there for her. To listen to her, respect her, help her when she needs it and not step on her toes when she can't keep up with it all (even though you are trying to help, she needs to feel like she can still do the things she needs to do).

It's a shame she had such difficulties at the 'best' cancer hospital in Chicago. There is always another Doctor, keep trying until you find the one that works for HER. You CAN do something, find another doctor, keep looking until you find the one that you know in your heart is the right one.

The show 'The Doctors' or perhaps it was Oprah (chemo brain and I can't remember which one it was) had a Chef on who's cancer doctor wanted to remove his tongue due to cancer! He wouldn't HEAR of it! His LIFE was cooking and tasting! He owned his own restaurant! He kept looking until he found a doctor that would work with what HE wanted and NOT Remove his tongue! You just have to keep looking. I know it seems the clock is ticking and you don't have time to look..I ask.. how can you NOT???

Ask Seka these questions:

Do you need me to
A) Just listen to you because you need to vent?
or
B) Do you want me to solve your problem?

and respect her answer. It really is an effective tool when discussing things with your daughter. It's easy to be the target of misguided anger/frustration because you are a 'safe' target. Knowing what she needs from you before the conversation is in full swing will give you the tools to diffuse the situation. A BIG clue is if you don't ask the questions above and you just offer 'suggestions' 'Well, why don't you try blah blah blah' and she has reasons for not trying those suggestions you offer. CLEAR that she just needs to vent and doesn't need help solving her problem. I know this was an issue with my mom before she got sick.

It's so easy to want to 'scoop in' and save the day because you see her struggling. It's a fine tight rope of a line to be the mom and want to 'fix' everything or 'save' your daughter. It's our nature as a mother!

My heart is sad that you and your baby are struggling. I have said over and over again I'm GLAD It's ME that has cancer because I know EXACTLY how I feel. It must be so very difficult to be in your situation. I pray that you find some comfort in knowing you are doing everything you can and being such a wonderful mother.

Finally, I would be great if it helped you hearing my point of view being the daughter of a cancer patient, my mother's support system, the cancer patient AND the mother who has cancer that had small kids.

Seka is SO lucky to have you by her side. I wish you the stregnth and power to find just the right doctor to help her.

I'll keep you both in my prayers.. remember you are doing a FANTASTIC job and STRONG mothers make STRONG daughters!

Kibbie

P.S. My 30 year class reunion is next week, my baby just graduated from high school AND my grandson (whom I caught in the delivery room starts kindergarten in the fall!!!! The life of this stubborn girl is GREAT!