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Today was my last of six chemo treatments for stage 1C, clear cell. I expected to feel great about being "done" - but instead I feel depressed. It seems like the beginning of an endless wait - wondering if I will have a recurrence.
On another topic, does anyone know of a good cancer center/gyn/onc for ovarian cancer in southern California? I recently switched insurance companies so I will (hopefully) have more choice in doctors.
Cancer Surgery Bursitis Pain Depression Lung cancer Ovarian cancer
I have had the same thing,,finishing, expecting to be overjoyed and feeling sad as if I am not fighting anymore. But it passed! And now I am feeing good, more normal.
I think what it is, is that while your taking chemo you feel "safe", I guess. And when its over, you think "ok, now I'm on my own." But you'll feel better with a little time. When you start feeling better you slowly get back to "normal." Congrats on finishing chemo! ;)
Hi...I was diagnosed at 46 yo as well...clear cell IIC. I finished chemo 4/7. I had a 2 week period where I was so down....it was right around my CT scan time, about 2 weeks after chemo ended. It was so bad...I was in and out of tears every day. The Dr. said that ending chemo is one of the hardest part about chemo. I agree. I have a good attitude and am generally a very happy person...but not for those 2 weeks. I didn't know if I was getting depressed etc....but then it ended. I prayed a lot and also consciously tried to think "good thoughts". The good thing is that it did not last...hoping the same for you. :)Kim
Thanks for your encouraging thoughts. I'm sure I will pull out it - hopefully soon. Another scary thing is that I've been having the CA-125 every 3 weeks and now I won't have another check for 3 months - 3 months seems like a long time to wait. My CA-125 has been going up, but only slightly and the doc doesn't seem concerned. It was 150 before surgery, 20 before the first chemo, then 18, 20, 22, 22 and 25 this last time. Still I would like to see it going down instead of up.
Your feelings are exactly right. We all go through that. When you finish chemo, you almost feel like a support lifeline has been cut and you are out on your own. It will pass with time.
The recurrence fears never really go away and you have to learn to live with that. We all do and it really doesn't get any easier. Three months is sort of the normal time span for checkups. When I've completed chemo, my doctor usually has me come back first in 1 month, then 2 months, and then 3 months and we stay with 3 months after that. I got up to 6 month intervals once when I reached a 5-yr. remission mark but that only lasted a year before recurrence.
Hope your number stays stable and you can relax a little and enjoy the fact that your chemo is done. That is a big accomplishment. Congratulations.
congratulations on making it through 6 treatments.
I wimped out and have quit after 4 - it has been too overwhelming for me. I felt the need to gain back some physical and emotional strength. It's been less than a week since my last treatment and I still wonder how I will feel each morning when I wake up.
Give yourself some time to recover from this last treatment to see how you feel about being at this stage.
Hi there. I felt the same way. You are done but NOW WHAT? You want to feel "normal" and healthy and get on with life but you don't feel good yet. There is a recovery period and it is hard to wait. Also - you are right - waiting for that first three month check-up is daunting........mine isn't until the end of July (finished chemo in February for 1a clear cell - but then had to have radiation for 2b uterine. Arrgh) and I don't think I will quite feel like I am in remission until I get the all-clear then.
I also felt like the people around me couldn't relate to what I was going through when I finished treatment. They were happy for me, but seemed to think - "it is all done now!! Move on with life!!" And I plan to......of course. But it isn't all done as far as I am concerned. There is still fear of recurrence to deal with everyday. There are still blood tests and exams and the fear before each one.......every three months. Etc.
But........four months after chemo - my hair is back and in a short style that I like and get complimented on all the time, I can run again, I am riding my horses again, thinking about going back to work - and the depression HAS lifted. It will get better. And I feel more and more like it is behind me. So that is a great thing. You will get there :)
Take care,
Amy
This is perfectly normal. As time passes, these feelings will somewhat subside. Its just part of the acceptance process. Just go with it. You will do just fine! Karen
Almost all of us experienced that fear. It will get better.Go ahead and cry. Your life has changed in a major way that most people just can't understand.
I will tell you 19 months out, that of course, I have the occasional "It's recurring!) fear, but it is much, much better. Of course, two weeks ago, my PA very kindly ordered a shoulder and chest x-ray for me because I'd had pain in my left arm for over four months. We both knew I'd pulled something sometime and didn't realize it. However, my dad's lung cancer was misdiagnosed as bursitis for 2 years because of similar symptoms. She's really good about helping me talk through fears and saying, "Look, let's just take care of this one with some diagnostic tests."
Of course, everything was fine, but I feel so relieved knowing the shoulder and arm pain is normal. (It also helped to figure out I need to stop sitting up in bed typing on my laptop!)
Focus on this. Your brain is working the way it should. There'd be something wrong if you went through all you've just gone through and didn't feel the let-down of going through aggressive all-out fighting to maintenance!
Blessings.
Funny this subject has come up. The other day I wrote about my fear of "stopping chemo" and put it in the wrong place. This makes me realize I'm not crazy thinking on these terms. I didn't have this fear before, the last 3 recurrences, but this being my 4th and so quickly after the last one, well.....I'm in good company I guess. I mean about the "fear" of the cancer and no chemo thing. I had my CT scan yesterday and blood test today, my dr. apt. isn't until Fri. The wait!...........
Thank you!
Hi 3bears, I think I can address both of your questions.
Your post-chemo concerns are shared by a lot of patients. Here is an interesting article "Post-Treatment Transition Can Be Scary for Cancer Survivors":
http://www.oncologystat.com/news-and-viewpoints/news/Post-Treatment_Transit ion_Can_Be_Scary_for_Cancer_Survivors_US.html
or
http://tinyurl.com/mqgxph
As far as gyn/oncs in So. California, Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles has at least 4 gyn-oncs on staff. The premier one is Dr. Beth Karlan. Here is her bio:
http://www.csmc.edu/5571.html
Cheers, Emily
Thank you Emily. I just called Cedars-Sinai to see what I need to do to get an appointment. :)
Thanks, everyone, for you empathy. It is true, very few people understand it. They think one should just be happy it is all over. That's why I came here - I know there would be people who understand. :)
3bears,
Can I ever relate!!!
I was diagnosed in September 2007 -- my Chemo was three 21-day cycles of BEP that were 6 days straight each time -- it was brutal and on top of all of that, I was pregnant.
Everybody thought I would be overjoyed to end Chemo...quite the contrary! It was my safety-net -- while I was in Chemo I was being proactive and fighting the Cancer. I actually tried to talk my Oncologist into a 4th round of Chemo -- "just to be sure!". He wouldn't have it -- he said that what I was feeling was normal.
I won't lie -- waiting for that first appointment is scary and honestly, I am almost 2 years out and it is still scary -- I would have thought by now the appointments would be easier to take but I guess I am afraid of going back to where I have been.
Every time I have a stomach ache I think I am having a recurrence -- I hear that is normal.
I just take it a day at a time -- I think that is all we can do.
Congrats on ending Chemo -- you did it! :)
Jill
I was really apprehensive about stopping chemo. My docs really had to explain that my body needed a chance to get rid of the chemo left in my body. Ive always been a proactive person, so this felt like waiting for the other shoe to drop. The most disconcerting thing was that other people expected me to be cured by this time. Its really difficult to explain to them the daily tension that you live under this first year wondering if its going tocome back or if every little pain is your cancer I understand what youre going through. I think the only way to fight this tension is to try to live in the moment and not get hung up on the future Easier said than done..Anyway,hang in there. TAke care.
3bears,
I'm so glad you addressed this issue. As you know, I have one more cycle to go, and while I will be so glad to be done with needle sticks for awhile, it makes me anxious to think that the cancer may be growing since there is no chemo to keep it at bay.
After having a CA-125 test every 3 weeks, to go to 3 months seems scary, but I don't want to waste those 3 months worrying about it. My goal is to just focus on enjoying life for 3 months at a time as long as I have good checkups, then deal with recurrences when they come up. Now if I can just put this philosophy into practice.
Minnie
Congratulations on finishing chemo!
I felt overwhelmed after my last treatment. I was happy to be finished but uncertain what to expect next. I told my doctor, "Now what? I should feel happy, but I'm not". I guess it's a normal reaction but we always have that worry tucked away in our minds.
Try to enjoy each day and look for something good in it.
The other day I was in a pet store and I picked up a fluffy, tiny kitten. I cuddled it close to my face, eyes closed, and for a moment was soothed by the soft fur, warmth, and tenderness of this little thing. I'm not even a cat fan but this moment made my day! : )
I am still in the middle of my chemo - it's good to know I should appreciate having the safety net of chemo, because that isn't the way I usually think of it : ) It also helps to know what to expect when I'm done.
My naturopath told me to make sure to come back when chemo was done, because he'd give me a new regimen, so I have that support to look forward to.
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