We all lose touch with friends over the years and consider getting in contact with them again. I have several friends I have not spoken to in over 10 years--no issues just fell out of touch living in different parts of the country. I tracked down one of them and would like to send a note. Big issue, do I mention the cancer in the note? I dont want pity nor do I want someone getting in touch with me because of the cancer....OTOH I dont want to scare someone off, either.
Have any of you tackled this issue? thoughts or suggestions? I have wanted to get in touch with a couple of these people for years but was a chicken ( dont ask me why) but now with the cancer I feel more of a sense of urgency and a need to put all my ducks in a row, especially in relationships.
I am 43 and stage 4 clear cell with progression on first line chemo, now starting a stage 1 trial.
Teri
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Contacting old friends--what to tell them?
- By TealOak
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 3:24 am · 16 replies
- In Caregivers and family members
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- By momanderson920
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 7:12 am
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I would tell the truth. I called people I had not spoken to in a long time when I was going through chemo and I told them upfront. If it were me, I would want to know if it were reversed. Now that is what I would do, you must do what is right for you.
- By hope4all
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 7:18 am
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I wouldn’t say anything in the beginning like you said you don’t want to scare them off or invite their pity. Wait to establish a rapport and if the relationship evolves then you may tell them.
Sending best wishes and hugs your way! Stay positive and you will beat this.
HUGS, X0X0...
- By katelynsmamaw
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 7:33 am
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I went through this, too. I just told them about the cancer and that it has made me realize what is important and I wanted to keep in touch with them. I am so glad I did. My best friend from grade school who I hadn't seen in 15 yrs is emailing me regularly. She lives in another state and I saw her a few weeks ago. If I hadn't had the cancer, I may not have ever seen or heard from her . Another high school friend is back in my life now. We just drifted apart after high school. Now we are going places, talking on the phone, and are closer than ever. So I say go for it! You'll be glad you did ;)
- By Martha2
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 8:33 am
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I agree-it is a difficult question about what to tell distant friends. I've thought about it a lot too. While nobody wants the cancer to be the center of their lives, it does become an important part to your life. It unfortunately makes us who we are. I think I'm for letting them know that that is partially why you've contacted them and let them know that they've been important in your life. Do what you think is best. Take care.
- By Kristardh
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 8:40 am
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I think you should tell them. I think Katelyn is right about telling them that the cancer has made you realize what is important, and you wanted to keep in touch with them. That is really the truth, isn't it? I can't tell you how many people I know that have been inspired to go get checked themselves...I preach it! Why would you want to deny old freinds that message? You may save a life. I have gotten in touch with people I had let slip from my life, with nothing but positive results. God bless you Teri.
Krista
- By FavoriteAunt
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 9:08 am
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I would absolutely tell them the truth - that you were thinking of them and having nice memories and appreciate life and want to say hello. Why not? I did that when I was first diagnosed. I had left work ill around Thanksgiving because of my illness and got diagnosed a few days later and never got to go back. Christmas came and I got cards from coworkers and other friends who did not know. So, I decided to compose a nice letter to each of them telling what was going on, but skipping the gorey details. They were all so nice and caring. Some are still in touch, some not, but it needed to be done. Cancer is a big part of my life - don't have to dwell on it, but cannot ignore it.
It's interesting about reactions - you might get some nice surprises. A sweet coworker kept in touch with me every week once she found out. She happend to mention me to one of her friends (non-work) and the girl said she knew someone with the same name and description, and a few of us had gone to Europe together many years ago - could it be the same person? Yes, it was! And that friendship has been renewed and she still keeps in touch with me 8 1/2 years later.
It's also a good opportunity to spread the word about ovca, because your friends will ask. I know I've done that. Most will probably be very happy to hear from you. I think it's a nice thing.
- By zircons
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 10:41 am
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I have gotten in touch with long last friends and just talked about our families and what we have done with our lives. If health came up in the conversation, I told them about the cancer. I did not just blurt out that I have cancer first thing. If you keep in touch, it will come up.
- By shoppingkharma
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 10:45 am
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I have a Facebook account where I have my Cancer Survivor Photo Album and my blog address. I have tracked down literally hundreds of people on Facebook that were in my life and were important to me and that is how they found out. There wasn't a whole lot of pity; mostly "if there is anything I can do for you?", or that I am inspirational and strong to have gone through what I have. I don't hide anything anymore nor do I have too much shame. In this lifetime; I want others to be comfortable being themselves around me and to be happy that they at least got to take a shit today! Now that's a miracle in itself. I just hope my experiences can make others appreciate what is in their lives whole more and perhaps look at life in a whole new perspective. Hope that makes sense.
- By Jen457
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 11:53 am
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You have received some great advice already. The only thing that I would add is when they ask you if there is anything that they can do for you, I always ask that they keep me in their prayers.
- By TealOak
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 12:22 pm
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Thanks so much for the kind words and encouraging thoughts. Sometimes I just need to get validation to my thought process. I will write the note and not mention the cancer however I will cover it in a subsequent note.
I just recently joined Facebook and hope to track down old friends that way, too.
Am at MD Anderson watching the Torisel drip; have to have K and Mg as my electrolytes are low & screwy. Hate the K as it burns so much. I had to have it several times when I was initially hospitalized and needed 10 units of blood during the 3 weeks I was there ( 5 before surgery...I KNEW I was tired. Hematocrit was 21% and Hemoglobin was 6.2).
Now I am just waiting for them to bring the lunch menu--I think they have very good food for lunch or dinner. I have a private chemo room with TV and VHS/DVD player; bed; blankets plus the movie I brought to watch; the laptop with wifi and a book. I am SET! I swear by the time I get all situated the 2 hours is up. The 3rd week when I receive all three drugs is much longer, was close to 10 hrs on the first time; next week for round 2 will be a little shorter as they will increase the drip rate since I have not had any reactions.
Take care
Teri
- By melf
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 2:17 pm
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I just contacted some old friends and struggled with this issue as well. Ultimately, I kept the initial contact light and airy and then if the relationship was rekindled, I felt better about sharing.
Melissa
- By mloknitting
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 4:07 pm
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Wow! I just posted on my blog about this recently:
http://www.mloknitting.com/?p=794
I called it "Connections," I figure that if people want to reconnect they will. If they don't, they won't. I'm up front about this cancer thing because I have to be up front about other health issues - food allergies that make it impossible to be in the same room as some foods. It just seemed the right thing to do.
- By quacker
- Posted July 14, 2009 at 9:51 pm
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I haven't regretted telling a single friend or acquaintance about my cancer. There has been almost no pity, just lots of prayers and well wishes. Many people have told me they've been inspired and encouraged and are more appreciative of their health.
- By MoYeah
- Posted July 15, 2009 at 5:28 am
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It's funny... weather you tell or not. They’re going to find out. I had old high school classmates, I hadn’t seen in 30 years calling out of the blue. My college roommate dreaming about me; she just knew something was up. Even an old friend saw my name on a church pray list and called. God has a way of getting us support. Cancer can bring people together in a very positive way! Support is good and sharing even better. We all have our stories to share. I believe the more we talk about Ovarian Cancer the better! You are who you are…and you have cancer. Don’t downplay it. Fight it surrounded by loving friends. Jill
- By Jennali
- Posted July 15, 2009 at 7:53 pm
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I vote for telling them at first and that that is partly why you are reaching out now.
I look at it like this: these folks are not in your life right now, so what do you have to lose? If some choose not to respond, you haven't lost anything.
Good luck whatever you decide.
- By Manuelaingermany
- Posted July 16, 2009 at 9:25 am
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I felt that I didnt want someone to get in touch only because I was sick. I emailed an old girlfriend I had lost touch with,and only mentioned the cancer in about the 3rd email. She then wrote me, that I should tell my husband to email her when the worst case happened, so that she wouldnt wait for an email!!! I then decided not to write again, since that was the most insensitive thing anyone has ever said.
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