Being Cancer+ and single

• By kimlyn1228
• Posted September 25, 2009 at 6:19 pm
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I don't have any experience in dating with cancer. My husband and I have only been married 2 years. He is 26. I feel guilty about what he is going through- lack of sex, dealing with my side effects, taking me on appts, and the shortening of my life expectancy.

I understand how you feel about dating. I wouldn't want to bring someone else into my cancer either.

Having said that. I believe you need to live your life to the best of your ability. If you meet a guy and he knows what's going on with you and wants to stick around, keep him!!

The downside to not taking a chance and getting out there is sitting at home by yourself. The upside is finding happiness with someone that truly cares about you. Let's face it, he has got to care if he's willing to sign for this crap, right? :)

Go for it!! I hope your treatment goes well!

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• By CountryGirl46
• Posted September 25, 2009 at 7:11 pm
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I am single to. I was engaged and had been living with my fiance for 5 years when I found out I had cancer. His reaction was terrible and very hurtful. He says he didn't mean to hurt me, just that he didn't know how to deal with it. Regardless I asked him to leave and I have been single ever since, that was three years ago. I do really wish things could of been different but I am alone and feel I probable will be for the rest of my life. I can't imagine any one would want to sign on with all of this. So I don't plan on dateing or even tring to find someone. It makes me sad if I think about it so I try not to think about it.

I agree with what KimLyn says, if you find someone that is willing to be there for you - go for it! You say that when you go on a date you have no problem telling him that you have cancer, but feel it may be wrong to bring someone in on this. I feel that if you tell the guy you have cancer and he is ok with it, then it isn't wrong, you can never go wrong by being honest.

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• By SarahJayne
• Posted September 25, 2009 at 7:28 pm
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I guess I have had some people who are interested in hanging out but I kind of have my ritual of working and chemo and whem someone 'tries' to be there I dont know how to deal with that.

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• By CountryGirl46
• Posted September 25, 2009 at 7:35 pm
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Sarah, If you have someone that wants to be there for you, why don't you let them. This is so hard to face alone. You might find it very comforting to have someone to lean on.

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• By SarahJayne
• Posted September 25, 2009 at 8:02 pm
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I know i just have been doing it all on my own for 2 yrs and never had someone i could be sick around

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• By verbena
• Posted September 25, 2009 at 8:03 pm
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I haven't made any effort to date anyone, i'm not sure i ever will again. I lost all my innards with debulking so i have zero interest in sex and so i just don't feel like it would be fair for me to get involved with anyone. that's just me though...i feel like half a person in some respects now.

not that that many people are that interested in a bald overweight woman anyways :P

i figure if someone is interested in you and you are honest with them early on and they are still interested, then it is a gift. no sense being alone if someone else is happy with you just as you are.

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• By CountryGirl46
• Posted September 25, 2009 at 8:12 pm
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Sarah, I know what you mean by doing it all by yourself, but give it a try and let someone be there for you. Just be friends for now and let him be there if that is what he is really wanting to do. My sister told me once that by turning a person down that is offering to be there for you is stealing their blessing. It sounds to me that he wants to help, he wants to care, and you could be denying him a blessing from the lord, and not to mention denying a source of comfort to yourself.

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• By quacker
• Posted September 26, 2009 at 10:32 am
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I agree 100% with countrygirl. I now have a male friend who knows my prognosis and is willing to spend time with me. This has lifted my spirits, boosted my morale, and am sure, improved my immune system. Remember this: God never brings two people together for the benefit of just one. Go for it.

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• By verlinda
• Posted September 27, 2009 at 4:26 pm
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Sarahjane,

You have been a tremendous warrior. Every time you post, I want to stand up and salute you!

Now as a 55-year-old extremely independent woman, I'll tell you that I wish I had learned how to ask for and accept help years ago. For a variety of reasons, I felt I had to do everything by myself to show I was capable and mature, etc. (I was the youngest, not only if my family, but among most of my cousins, so I heard the spoiled baby comments all my life.) I believe one of the reasons we're put on this earth is not just to help others, but to let others help us, so they, too, can grow and be blessed.

(I did, however, have 2 consecutive MRIs last week without any kind of antianxiety meds because I didn't want to "bother" anyone and I wanted to see if I was tough enough to do it. Stupid mistake! Next time, I'll call a friend and take the Ativan. On the other hand, I sure did breathe a WHOLE lot in that 45 minutes!

Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd treat your best friend. If you'd advise her to let someone into her life, allow the same for yourself.

Anytime, you want a listening ear, I'm here for you. Let me know if you want to sign on as a friend.

Blessings.

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• By laughingnikki
• Posted September 27, 2009 at 9:01 pm
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Hi SarahJane,

I can totally appreciate your feeling on relationships and cancer.

I was 27 (2004) when I got my first dx, had been in a relationship with a man for 7 months at that time. When I was in surgery, my family grilled him on commitment to me. Specifically, if I couldn't have children. He said he would stand by me, come what may. Well, needless to say, that man is the one in the pic with me. We got married in 07, when I was 31 and were getting ready to start trying to get pregnant, when I was diagnosised againg <sigh>. Had a series of surgeries, chemo and many many complications.

Anyway, all of that to say. There is a someone that will love you, come what may! I know that the men that love us are the best men God created! They have the biggest warmest heart that will stand by you, stand for you when you feel week, and will carry you if needed.
I encourage you to open your heart, because you will be blessed 10 fold.

What is your chemo regime? You ROCK that you're working! I wish I could have done that!!

I will be praying for you!
Nikki

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• By SarahJayne
• Posted September 28, 2009 at 1:40 am
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Well my life has een ANYTHING but 'normal' and that;s pre-Cancer. I don't know what to say about the working/Cancer thing except I am the adult child of a drug addict and alchoholic who never had any options but work. PAIN is my friend. My only one at times when I am in ad shape. But I have this beautiful 4 year old princess who is my world who doesn't get to have her life put on pause cause Mom is sick. I do what I have to.

I will let you know about my Chemo -- until now I have done pills and day to day stuff, but this next time around I have to go into the hospital since the central line route does not work with me being a Dog Groomer.

So far its Cancer round 4 and I have lost 3 so I am re-grouping. UGH I start Chemo on Tuesday.

My Motto: YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS ALL YOU HAVE LEFT.

Sometimes when I am seeing my Psyc, we talk about my LACK of emotions, but all it is with me is if I break down, if I AM NOT TUFF, who's going to be there for me?? Beside's ya'll ladies.

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• By SarahJayne
• Posted September 28, 2009 at 1:50 am
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Addendum: Stage 2C and stage 3 in the other ovary. I chose NOT to have a historectomy as my Ovarian Cancer, in both Ovaries, while no better, is no worse, after 18 mos... My Cancer has in fact spread but to other less important things like my kidney and intestines. (ha ha, ok so not really but what do I do, CRY?) It may be against my Drs orders, but I feel like the hormones and such that the Ovaries produce are better than the supplements.

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• By Ainsley
• Posted September 28, 2009 at 6:38 pm
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What a timely discussion. I had this very talk with a friend today. I am 57 years old, not currently on chemo; however, I realize it's a break that I'll enjoy as long as I can. I was married for 18 years, until 2 years ago when he decided to leave, not because of cancer, but because there were just too many differences between us. Cancer made him stay until it appeared I was on a good long stretch of being stable. Not unexpected, but it still hurt as whether you're in treatment or not, it's a time when you need the stability of your family and friends--those who love you. The loneliness is sometimes unbearable, and I realize that in dealing with all of this, it definitely minimizes those people that will commit into a relationship that involves potentially long-term and sometimes aggressive care. But, in spite of all that, I can't help but feel that as long as I bring joy to the life that I have, that it should be a privilege for someone to share that with. It shouldn't be about anyone's life span, but to the life, the joy, the willingness to live your life and not just exist in it that makes the difference. Surely there are people out there that can identify that it would potentially be a huge loss to eliminate someone from their life solely as a result of medical issues. Yes, I understand it would be a commitment; however, the rewards could be many. What's not to love with the kind of fight we bring to the table!

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• By Mrs_Moore
• Posted October 1, 2009 at 10:55 pm
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I started dating my husband about a week before my diagnosis, but I didn't tell him until about a month into our relationship. He finally wanted to know why I was so tired all the time, so I told him. He cried right there with me, and hasn't left my side since.

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• By ndsorMelva
• Posted October 2, 2009 at 6:44 pm
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I am on this site because I have a cyst that is bothersome. I am trying to learn all I can. I have just lost a husband of 33 yrs to cancer. I can only tell you that it was love at first site for me. I would have loved him if he had no legs or arms. I could not help myself. I still loved him that much the day he died. Our soulmates do not have to be perfect. Someone will love you and they will let you know. Live your life trying to be as happy as you can. One day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow. I have 5 beautiful children that act and look like him. I may have lost the big piece but I still have the little pieces to be thankful for. Everyone has merit and good points or qualities. There is no explanation for why one loves another. You may well be the perfect soulmate for another one day! Be good to yourself- make the most of each day- try to have at least 1 best friend- and enjoy all the frogs before the prince comes along.

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• By thinkgreentoo
• Posted October 3, 2009 at 2:40 pm
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I was diagnosed 12 years ago with Stage IV. I was cancer free for 5 years and met someone. I told him on the first date and he didn't seem to care. We fell "in love" fast and moved in together within 4 months. The cancer came back within 6 months. After 3 months with him, he became a different person. I was so stressed. Even so, being naive that things could get better, I stayed with him for 6 years. My health was failing and he was not in any sense of the word "supportive". Finally I told him to leave last year. I believe it was the stress that brought the cancer back, but one will never know. I love being alone and not having to worry about another person in this "day to day" battle with cancer. I did meet someone last November and he seemed very interested in dating seriously, so I told him about the cancer. He changed his mind very quickly and we decided to be friends as it had been. He is a bit peculiar, as he has told me he wants romance w/o commitment. Ladies, it is just not worth it. Having my friends (guys and girls) has been the greatest support I could ever have. Just this morning two of my girlfriends stopped by to help me (I was in the hospital this week, diagnosed with pleurisy which is painful). I also have come to the conclusion that I won't have another long-term commitment with someone. It would be nice to walk into the chemo room with a boyfriend that really supports me, but I have no problem doing it alone. Hey, I can walk all over town after, eat where I want and then take the train home once the drugs have worn off. Being alone isn't so bad after all. Treat yourself to dinner, a new outfit, a really nice wig. Life is good. Enjoy all that you can.

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• By Nancy2627
• Posted October 4, 2009 at 11:00 am
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I got divorced 6 years ago and haven't had sex for 8 years. It
gets to me sometimes. I dated a few times before I got sick.
I feel jealous sometimes of married women but I was married
and I wasn't happy because he was cheating and a real creep.
For the most part I like living alone. I like eating what I want
and doing what I want. My ex was very demanding and
controlling. I had breast cancer 11 years ago and I don't think
he could handle no breast.
Your comments really helped that I am not the only one alone
with this illness. I am overweight and bald too. I wish I look
like I used to which was attractive but I am alive and have
been thru alot of chemo and it takes a toll. I wouldn't wish
this on my worst enemy. But you guys really understand
and help me thru it. Thank you from the bottom of my
heart. Nancy

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