35 years today!

35 years ago today, at the age of 20, I went to surgery, knowing I had "something big" in my pelvic area. When the post surgery pain could finally be diminished by the demerol (enough for me to be conscious), my parents told me I had ovarian cancer and they had given me a complete hysterectomy.

The surgeon cried the first time he talked with me after the surgery. But, the night before the surgery, the hospital had called him because I would not sign the consent form. When he came, I looked him in the eye and said "We don't know what's in me, but if you have to choose between ANY body part and my chance for a long life, choose my life". I wrote "hysterectomy" onto the list of possible outcomes for the surgery and signed my name. So, my surgeon was sad but had nothing to feel guilty about. He knew I would never be angry with him for acting according to my wishes.

My college years were strange since I did not know if I had a future or not. Then the depression hit. It was the existential "what is the meaning of life?" kind of deep, dark depression, in the days before anti-depressants were discovered.

That bout of depression eventually lifted and I married a man who said it did not matter that I could not have kids, and adoption would be fine. He was not a kind man but I stayed since I thought I needed to be married to adopt. He left after four years with the ultimate meanest thing he could say "he suddenly felt the need for a biological child."

Another long bout with depression and problems with self esteem (what was I worth to this world if I could not have kids?) followed. When I turned 38, I found myself praying for a child and heard a "voice" that said "start telling everyone you meet that you're looking for a child."

You may not believe what happened, but it's true. A few months after this, a woman I had recently befriended called me to say she had just met a young woman 4 months pregnant and was looking for someone to adopt her baby. Did I mention I was single, broke and suffered from depression? And she called me?

It's now 18 years since that phone call and I have a beautiful, smart, funny 17-1/2 yr old daughter. She thanks God every day that I had Ov Ca since otherwise I would not be her mom (and she doesn't want to imagine the unimagineable).

But there's more...my mom who had a life-changing spiritual experience 35 yrs ago and we've spent many years celebrating this day. Three years ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, right after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Right after my diagnosis, when I was scared out of my mind, I'd call to hear her voice and she'd ask me how I'm doing, having completely forgotten I was about to have surgery. I lost my rock.

My dad, my brothers and my sister pretty much forgot what I was going through in light of my mom's illness. And with my surgery, treatments, needing to work whenever I felt up to it, etc, it was hard to fly across the country to visit. Basically I feel like I lost all of them, which is extremely sad. Not one of them even remembers my anniversary day.

But I remember. My daughter remembers. I have experienced miracles. I am alive, healthy and hopeful. I don't expect after all this time the ovarian cancer will return. And I have a great chance of the breast cancer not coming back either.

I just retired after 23 years doing minimally satisfying work. With a small pension, I'm planning to start a second career in the field of mental health. I hope to work with people dealing with dual mental health/life threatening illness diagnoses. Having either one is hard, having both sends one staggering. My wish is for everyone to have the chance to discover the meaning of their life. To find a way to live with the sadness of difficult things that have happened and find the hope to move forward.

Nobody can take away the day each of us has before us. Find a way to do the things that are most important to you.

Blessings.

By 35yearsurvivor
Posted August 29, 2009 at 3:37 pm
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This is 35yearsurvivor's daughter. Today, on her anniversary day I got up, I sat in my room wondering if the gift I got her would really be enough. I got her a glazed doughnut. Wanting to put candles on it I went and looked around our kitchen and found that I couldn't find any so I grabbed the next best thing... chocolate chips.

I wanted to give her something for this day because even though it's a reminder of something sad that happened it was the day that led to my future, and hers. If she had never had this cancer I would never had gotten my mother and like she said, I thank God everyday that she had this because she lived and I got an awesome life with a loving mother.

By sunny07882
Posted August 29, 2009 at 9:29 pm
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YEAH to both of you....sometimes gifts come in the most unexplained moments...you are gift enough to each other...but the choc chips are certainly a BONUS!!!

Stay in the light and Love

By FavoriteAunt
Posted August 30, 2009 at 8:49 am
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What an amazing story. You have surely been tested, but also know what true blessings are. I wish you at least 35 more years of love and happiness - and good health.

By Lemona
Posted August 30, 2009 at 11:08 am
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You are an inspiration. What a story! You are clearly a very strong woman. Having had ovarian cancer at such a young age must have been quite a shock. Most of us didn't have the maturity to deal with a pimple at that age much less cancer! But you did it and here you are with a wonderful, loving daughter. Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing your story. Best of luck always!

By 35yearsurvivor
Posted August 30, 2009 at 2:07 pm
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First of all, thanks to everyone here. I know everyone here can truly appreciate my anniversary day!

Here is what I know about my ovarian cancer:

It was the size of a grapefruit
No cells spread anywhere outside the tumor
It was adenocarcinoma

I took one year of oral chemo - melphalan. One year later, they opened me back up and took biopsies everywhere in the vicinity. All were negative. I don't know why I was so lucky that a tumor that size had not sent cells out to grow elsewhere. Each of us has our own journey.

By katelynsmamaw
Posted August 30, 2009 at 6:43 pm
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Such a great story. Sounds like you have a wonderful daughter. Happy Anniversary! 35 yrs!!! That's what we're ALL hoping for! ;)

Shonna

By Rikku
Posted August 31, 2009 at 9:34 am
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You just made my day... I was diagnosed borderline ovca this year, at age 25, and fear for my life on a daily basis... I am on the edge of sanity, trying not get depressed but I do quiver everyday and couldn't help shading a tear as I read your story. You did give me hope that I can survive 30 or 40 years or maybe more... That I can still be happy and have a good life!
Thank you...
And happy anniversary of course!

By kennebec
Posted August 31, 2009 at 10:15 am
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Thanks for sharing with us. Hearing "35 years" is uplifting news for all of us. Walking a tough road can make us so much stronger than we ever thought we would have to be! And I, too, add "Happy Anniversary!"

By ksep
Posted September 3, 2009 at 1:45 am
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Thank you so much!! That is the most wonderful story ever!! I wondered how my best friend could have a tumor the size of a basketball removed and be stage 1. It had not gone into the lymph nodes, thank God! Your story is more than heartwarming, it is more than inspiring, it is a miracle! You have inspired me to reach beyond. That's all I can say. I so many times say "I can't, I won't" but you have truly inspired me to be more. Thank you so very much. Kathy

By 10yrsurvivor
Posted September 3, 2009 at 2:54 pm
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What a beautiful and heart warming story of survival and joy! Congratulations on 35yrs and for having a fabulous 18 year old daughter that loves you so.

I am a ten year survivor and love to hear of those with longer survivals.
Linda

By esther3kids
Posted September 4, 2009 at 5:43 pm
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Congratulations on your 35th anniversary! I hope that you have many more years ahead of you to spend with your loving daughter. God put the two of you together for a reason. You wanted a child and she needed a mother, what a perfect match that was.

Love your story. I hope that we will all get to be survivors. May God Bless you and your daughter.

Love, Esther

By 35yearsurvivor
Posted September 5, 2009 at 10:54 am
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Thanks to all who have expressed appreciation for my story. I want to say that it took me many years for me to understand how having ovarian cancer was a blessing in my life. I am now three years out from having breast cancer and I'm getting glimmers of how the pain and suffering of that disease will lead me to myself.

For me, both cancers were completely removed with surgery. I have not experienced living with active disease that cannot be completely removed. I cannot know myself what it is like to live with that condition. I do share with everyone here the pain and suffering of a cancer diagnosis and the desire to live a meaningful life after, no matter how long that turns out to be.

I encourage everyone to look for the hidden (sometimes deeply buried) treasure that follows cancer. I don't believe in the "making friends with cancer" idea, though. Having cancer flat out sucks. It is only by acknowledging ALL the feelings - the anger, the fear, the sadness, the anxiety - that the deeper meanings can be uncovered.

Peace.

By wolfi
Posted September 6, 2009 at 11:17 pm
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What a beautiful moving story you have shared here. I thank you . I am a going on 14 years now being an ovarian cancer survivor. Stg. 4. No recurrence to date. Very thankful. Hugs and strength to all......Jan

By nana55
Posted September 6, 2009 at 11:28 pm
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I was so glad to read your story, It is great to hear there are other long term survivors out there. I too am a survivor. I celebrated 30 years this summer. I was so excited to "make it" to my 54th birthday, I was diagnosed on my 24th birthday and never thought I would celebrate this many years. What a joy it is.

Welcome to Inspire!

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