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Sex after an ileostomy

I was divorce before I got my Ileostomy and it's all still new to me. I was dating before I got sick, this did more to me than just the ileostomy, I have nerve damage in my feet & legs. My male friend said it didnt matter to him (he was a doctor) and he did try to see me, I was too afraid to let him see me. Now I really miss the holding & kissing but don't know how or what to tell someone. And we have no dating sites or support groups here so thats out. Any ideas on this? Hugs Diane

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Seems to me that anyone worthwile will certianly understand your condition. Anyone who doesnt is probably not a good match anyway. If someone is offended by your ostomy then send them packing and be happy about it.

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I say amen to that. Of course, I understand not wanting to tell someone on your first date but should it progress to sex it seems to me that is ample time to tell. If he loves you, he'll understand. If he doesn't, it's best to find out before sex so you won't get any more hurt than is possible.
I would say, just be up front with him. Tell him that this little pouch saved your life and had it not been for the pouch you would have never met because you would be dead. That should explain everything quite nicely.
Blessings,
Alan

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It's a shame you didn't have enough self confidence to believe the doctor boyfriend as he had the right attitude. Don't worry so much about your ostomy. When you find the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, the rest will fall in place by itself.

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You are really lucky to have someone who understands. I have an ostomy for two years. I dated afew times but when I tell the guy about my ostomy that's the end of that. In the beginning they tell me how great I am or how compatible we are but when I tell them about my pouch then we are not compatible.

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What a letdown, jdams. I am sorry you have met such insensitive men. Obviously, they are not the right one. But I know you have to begin to feel like nobody wants you.
Blessings,
Alan

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Thats whats holding me back! I would be so hurt if a guy told be that. I wouldn't know what to do.

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I understand, but I miss having someone to share my life with so I keep trying. It hurts but I hope I'll find someone that will understand.

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Consider it a litmus test that will save you a lot of grief in the future.

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Thanks guys, I really miss someone @ certain times like when I'm feeling down, I miss the closeness, the holding & saying It will be alright. I'm so glad for the advice & help I recived here. Diane

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That's why we are here, Diane, to help people like you who need a helping hand and a cyber hug. I'm just glad you're here so we can help where we can.
Blessings,
Alan

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Hi Diane, I do not know if what I am going to say will help you but I wanted you to know you are not a loan. I to are in a second marriage and have been going on 18 years next month. He is an amazing man and I love him so much as he has stood by me through it all. I was in remission with my crohns so I never told him about it. We were married a year after we met and the year after that we had our son. All was good and then It came back and by then we were going on our 3rd year it was all down hill from there with my health. I had operation after operation and since my son was 2 years old I have been in and out of hospital. In 2006 I had my Ileyostomy and it was so hard for me to come to terms with it. But most of all I was worried that my husband would leave me for a younger lady who he would enjoy and not have to worry about like he has done with me. I worried that he would not find me attractive anymore. He said no way would he ever leave me for anyone nor would he ever look at anyone as he loved me and no one would take my place. But over the past 3 years our sex life has become just about a nil and I am hurt so hurt about it. We have talked about it and he feels bad but he said due to me always being unwell and in-pain as I have chronic arthritis he feels put off as he cannot ask that of me when he see,s me in so much pain. I get it but I still need to feel needed in that department.
Diane whom ever you meet that makes you feel alive again after you get to feel comfortable with that person first be true to yourself and to them. I say that as maybe If i had told my second husband about my condition I would have given him the chance to decide if he could deal with it as the lady he married then is not the lady he has now. I know he loves me and I love him but we are working it out the best way we know how.
I hope you meet a good man as there are real good guys out there I promise you that as I have met one. One thing I know for sure my man may say he is holding back as I am always in pain, But I am never going to stop making myself look good for him as I do everyday.
I may not be perfect in the bedroom but I make up for it in every other way I can and that's showing him how much I appreciate him and love him.
We are away on holiday this Friday to Phuket and all going well the heat and the pool and sun just may be what the doctor ordered and I just may get a STAR heee,hee

Best of LUV Jaggie WA

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Hi jaggie - I was well when I met my present husband - our first spouses were both deceased and we hit it off immediately - we met on Match.com, lived within 10 minutes of each other, and he proposed in a week and we were married 8 months later. We were married 9 years this July, and he has pretty much been my caretaker since then. Shortly after he moved in with me aI developed pseudogout in both knees, resulting in torn rotator cuffs from pushing myself up out of chairs. I couldn't play golf with him, which was one of our great pleasures. I got over all that in about a year, and then had to have a hip replaced in 2009, developed polymyalgia rheumatica (like fibromyalgia, but it attacks the joints). In 2010 I had a spacer put in my lower back for spinal stenosis, and then in 2011 I had a golf cart accident resulting in a shattered tibial plateau with 6 weeks in a rehab facility, but was back playing golf in 3 months. Got over that and was back playing golf when I almost died from a perforated colon, resulting in the ilseostomy I have now. I am now 80 years old, and he is 78 - and we are supremely happy. We have never had a cross word or an argument, and I have never heard one word of discouragement that he has nursed me through one thing after another. He has said that he would gladly change places with me if he could. I am back to playing golf with him - don't always play all 18, but I am riding around with him when I feel I am pushing it. The point of all this is that there are good men out there - you just have to find one - hope you don't have to wait until you are 70, like I did. LOL

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GREAT IDEA. If they dont understand, they need to go back to elementary school.
Hang in there and be positive about yourself !

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Jaggie,

My husband and I went through the phase where he was afraid he would hurt me. You need to re=assure him that it won't hurt and you need him. You initiate the contact and I assure you he will respond.

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Hello Trecia, Your condition "goes with your territory". I carry the bag and it was either the bag or dying. If it is a problem with any male, it is his problem and not yours. I have had many relationships over the years and my condition was never a problem. Once explaining what had happened, all was fine. The one drawback was not being able to have children. I still date and have a good time and do lots of traveling. Once again, he has to accept you for you and nothing else.

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It sadens me to hear this, with in two years of marriage i had my ileostomy, crohns 11 years prior. Last Nov, number 40th annaversary, that pouch is no differant then the nose on my face, its there we live with it. The system i use makes all the differance its white same color as my undes.

This week on a jobsite a contractor ask me if I had an ileostomy, I said how did you know, I can see the outline in your shirt. I looked at him and said your the first person in 40 years to point blank ask me! i said what would you like to know? I am willing to tell you, we talked for 45 minutes.

you will find someone, dont tell them to early, they have to get to know you and who you are, when they fall in love and then tell them. that will really answer, do they really love you?
Believe me sex cannot not hurt the stoma! One little trick, I like to see my wife in panty hose and sharp nighty and she cuts a hole in the spot. For you that will retain the pouch. be sexy too, as a male sometime I wear silk undes.

I always change my pouch prior to sex, little after shave or for you perfume, be creative it will work.

Weave

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Thanks guys, your words of advice means so much to me. I will try and do thee things you have mentioned. Thanks again! Hugs

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The first thing a new ostomate has to learn that having one is nothing to be ashamed of - I wear mine like a badge - because of it I am alive and I know others who weren't so lucky. All my friends at the golf club know why I was hospitalized last December, and a few even ask me questions about my "Buddy" Yesterday I was in the pharmacy to pick up a new prescription and discovered that it had been filled with capsules - I returned and asked the pharmacist to switch it for tablets. This required me to talk to him about 6 feet away, within hearing of half a dozen customers waiting there - I had absolutely no qualms about stating that the reason was that I had an ileostomy and capsules would not dissolve before releasing the medication. No one there batted an eye!

I am in a 10 year marriage - at age 80 now - and my husband is not in the least repulsed by Buddy. I keep a spray can of Febreeze in each bathroom if I have to empty it, and wear Silhouette Depends for Women to bed at night so if I should have a blow-out it will be completely contained and I have never had to change any bed linen - or have Herb wake up lying in my smelly mess!

I don't know how I would handle dating if I were much younger and single. I had enough trouble when I was widowed at 62, and faced spending the night with the second man ever in my life while wearing a CPAP mask! LOL That was much more visible!

Love and hugs from Marge

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Diane,

From the "other side of the fence", I too had similar fears. When I had my first surgery in '93, I was 27, married, and we had two children. About six months post-op, I found out my spouse had been cheating, and when I confronted her... she told me flat out she couldn't deal with my "new condition". Though we separated, and ultimately some years later, divorced, it just echos the comments stated earlier, if they can't handle it, move on because the right one does exist.

Advance to October of 2000, I'm divorced, my ileostomy had been reversed (j-pouch), and I met the most incredible, understanding, loving-me-for-who-i-am person in the world. We married, had a child, and 4 years into our relationship, my pouch perforated and I ended up in Hopkins, and ultimately Cleveland Clinic for corrective surgery. Our daughter was 6 months old when Dr. Fazio saved my life. He didn't sugar coat anything, he told me he thought the jpouch was a lost cause, and I had to prepare myself to come out of surgery with a permanent ileostomy. My greatest fears were being realized (again) as I lay there septic, wondering if it was better to opt out of the surgery. I would surely rather die then relive another divorce and the feelings of unacceptance.

I had the surgery, and when I woke up, she was there, right by my side with our daughter, now 9. We had a second child two years later.... good news... "it" still worked after five surgeries ;-) and as of this past October we celebrated our 10th anniversary. My wife has seen the best, the worst, and everything in between. I've had leaks at the most inopportune moments, to include right after we were done "playing around"... and she's still here.

I share this to reinforce what others have said, the right person is out there, and will accept you for who you are. As a side note, last year, I found out I had sleep apnea. The thoughts of having to wear the CPAP mask, etc. sounding like "darth vadar" took me back to those anxieties I initially had with my appliance... but true to her word, in sickness and in health, she's right there next to me.

Patrick

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Good Morning Patrick - I loved your story. I didn't have my ileostomy when I met my present husband after my first one died, but I did have my CPAP - not a pretty sight. He has seen me through several illnesses and 5 surgeries in the last 3 years of our almost 10 years marriage, with never a complaint - in fact, we have never had a cross word or an argument in all that time - and can't see when we ever will! He is completely in accord with my decision to live with my ileostomy, and my physical limitations. He is 78 and and I am 80 so I see no need for any further life-threatening surgery.

So glad to see that you have someone to love you through everything, just like I do!

Love and hugs from Marge

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