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I need some HAPPY!

Hi everyone: I finally got the diarrhea/flow thing figured out, Imodium bothered my stomach, the lomotil, is milder and seem to not bother me at all. I am now 12.5 weeks post surgery, shouldn't all this feeling so damn sad, crying (not as much, tell today) all I wanted to do today is lay around feeling sad. I am so ready to be done with all of this, I don't want to do any of it any more! I am not very happy with my "new normal", I swear I lost that tuff Montana, funny, hardworking, sassy smartass girl I've known for 53 years with my colon! Who is this? Oh! And by the way, why is all my hair falling out!!!!!!!! I am done, I don't want to do any of this any more, I cry, I hurt (not as bad) I worry, I cry, I want this divorce over, I really want me back. I am so damn sad, will I ever be happy again? Is this normal? My friend just said it is better than dead? Really? I suppose It is just a bad day! Or I need a shrink?

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Hi Trevbean,
Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. However I can see a few positives in your post. You have sorted out the diarrhea problem thats happy, you are not crying as much...thats happy ....you are not in so much pain now....thats happy! I hope you can build on these things and other happy things will follow. I dont think 12.5 weeks is very long after such a major surgery I seem to remember being a bit depressed at some point thinking Im never going to feel better again. Here I am 2 years later ( and Ive been for happy for a long time now since the op). The divource issue is something I cant relate to and it must somethig you could do without during your op healing so I hope that that part gets sorted for you. As for the hair I dont know perhaps its to do with the stress maybe ask the doc. I'm sure that you will get some happy replies from other members
It will get better! :):):) Best wishes from Happy Mike.

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Hi trevbean!

Being depressed is perfectly normal. Almost everybody is after surgery. You suffered a great loss and part of what you are feeling is grief. Have your doctor prescribe an anti-depressent for you.

I was depressed for about a month and then I went on Zoloft. It has helped a lot. I asked my ostomy nurse about it and she told me she would be worried about me if I were not depressed. That told me everybody is.

All I can say is it does get better. It may not feel like it now but it does. It's all in the attitude. Is the glass half full or half empty kind of thing. The liquid in the glass doesn't change. It's how you look at it that makes the difference.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

Blessings,
Alan

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Good Morning trvbean - your story is heartwrenching! I can't begin to imagine how unhappy you are and the problems you are dealing with. I agree with Alan, your hair loss may be from stress about your situation. I was fortunate in that the only thing I have to deal with is taking care of my ileostomy, and a large abdominal hernia where my muscles were severed to clean out all the septic stuff that flooded my abdomen when the colon perforated, I have elected to live with that - wear a wide surgical wrap every day - but then, I am 80 years old, and am just happy that I don't have the crippling pain that lasted for several hours that I had before the emergency surgery. Don't know how I would feel if I were much younger, and dealing with cancer, Crohns, or UC like most of the others here. You are still are in the recovery stage - give it some time, and do seek help if you need it. I have never felt depressed - although just one day I had a good cry for myself and then felt better. My love and prayers go out to you and hope things get better in time. We all will look for some good news from you - keep posting, we are listening to you!

Hugs from Marge

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Hi trevbean,

Physically you have gone through a big change, now mentally you are trying to catch up. Alan is so right, the liquid in the glass is the same. You have no control of the milk that is gone, only what is left in the glass. It is so great that it is half full, you did not lose all of it :)

My mom lived to be 100, and one of her favorite sayings was "pull yourself up by the boot straps and get moving". No matter how bad things were she could find something to get you laughing and going. Happiness is from within and how you look at things.

You will have down days, just to not let them rule your life. Talk to your doctor and see if he/her thinks maybe an antidepressant would be appropriate for you.

Be good to you, allow yourself time to heal.

Lois

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OOOPs I almost forgot to say, the hair does grow back, thank goodness. I really look bad with no hair, and I did not have cancer or chemo drugs. Sure glad that did not last long.

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Hey Trevbean..
Remember the old saying... "Happiness comes from within...".. It is true... and you have many reasons to be sad... one of them being your marriage disolving... That in itself is on the top ten list of high stress.. for people who struggle with depression. It's ok.. andrs healthy to ask for a little something to get you "over the hump".. till your mental, physical, emotional well being are back on track.

So.. then you add to it.. major surgery.. body changing..life altering situation..... another several points to the "Stress Scale".. as it inches it's way to the max!! Your body is reacting to many changes... which can cause hair to fall out.. or turn gray overnight.. (my mothers' hair did at 26 years old.. Long hair.. jet black... BANG! S&P over night!!!.. She had cervical cancer and hysterectomy... STRESS.. with 4 kids at home!! All 8 and younger!)

12 weeks into it.. really isn't all that long, considering the severity of it all.. BESIDES.... Your kidneys were shutting down!! I have kidney disease..and know first hand how yucky you can feel.. just from that.. leaving out the otstomy issues.. the deydration.. the eating dilema at times... Just getting back to normal from the insult to your kidneys.. will take time.

Trev.. GIve yourself a break.. and allow yourself.. both mentally... and physically to just be.. Just be..... Heal... Have no expectations.. and take one day at a time.. I always felt like a Mack truck hit me.. backed up, over me.. and came at me again broadside!!! It's no joke getting over this surgery.. and it does.. take time..

Talk to your dr.. and tell them honestly that you are struggling.. and see if they will give you something to help lift your spirits. Also..I'm a firm beliver in that our absorption.. or lack there of.. has a huge impact on our mental well being.. We may not absorb all that we need for healthy emotions.... It's not a weakness to ask.. It's a strength to realize we need a bit of extra help for ourselves.

I pray that something one of us says here.. will hit home for you and give you a sense of peace and reassurance.. that it WILL get better... one day at a time... Go ahead and cry... but breath.. deep belly breaths that both raise your stomach and your chest.. hold.. relax.. breathe again.... let it go.. and be... You have many memories yet ahead of you to make and store in that "Life File" of yours!!!

Prayers going your way..
Mare

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“Sorrow comes to all...Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better and yet you are sure to be happy again.”

Trevbean,
I cannot imagine the scope in which you are going through right now. Pain means you are alive. Life always changes and you will smile and laugh again.
The depression will subside, hair will grow back, and pain will become just a memory. Just as sure as Montana is called Big Sky Country.
So go out and wrestle with a bear, catch a moose, and do want Montanans have been doing scince the ice age.
Kailua

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So that's what keeps people busy in Montana!!! : )

Your words are so right, Kailua!!

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Trevbean,

I am sorry you are having a rough time of it. I had my surgery on the 10th of July so I think we are roughly at the same point. I look at the glass as half full.....I feel better than I did prior to my surgery. The pain is pretty much gone and other than not enjoying changing my appliance, I have learned to do almost everything quickly and efficiently.

One thing that I would like to mention is hormones. When females are in our age bracket, hair loss can be part of the hormonal territory, and also anxiety, depression, etc...crying spells. I was pretty "normal" until I had radiation to my pelvic area and that threw me into menopause quickly, which gave me all of the symptoms at one time instead of gradually going into it. I am not saying this is the cause for your crying, etc...but I think it is a possibility. I really dont have crying spells, unless something really ticks me of and then watch out! lol

I hope you find some relief soon, and seeing a counselor might help you. You are going through a divorce at a very difficult time in your life and that has to be very hard. Hang in there you are tough and you will find you again!

Kerri

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Thanks so much for dragging out of my very own "Pitty Party". Alan is so right it is how I look at it, very hard at times. I think I would be much further along if I hadn't fought the Ci diff for so long, I barely survived the surgery. I know I got blood transfusions on two separate occasions, all the "what if's" doesn't change a thing now. My boys were like rock stars, Tyler came home when I first was admitted, at some point he went back, got there, things had gotten worse with me, he turned around and drove back the 5 hours and just stayed, he was there 8-8, with his medical background the Dr.s came looking for him. I was told I would need a home health nurse, I think I weighed 87 pounds, Trevar, 23 would have nothing to do with that he did everything for me, he was up all night for 2 weeks, charting meds, temps. This makes me happy, I need to appreciate each of them much more, I weigh 105 now! I will try to keep a happy focus! Thanks so much to each and every one, you all helped! I think it was my worst, maybe top 5 bad days. Now a question, how often do you change your bag? I have been every 4 days, but I might try 5 this time. Good night! Thanks more than you know!

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Good Morning - isn't it great to have a place where you have so many "shoulders to cry on"? I am sure the love and concern that is expressed here has had a positive effect on you. We will continue to do so. It sounds like you have so much to deal with all at once, and how great it is to have a wonderful son like Trevar! I did have a health care nurse to come into my home to dress my open incision, but I had a loving husband who did so much for me, if only to give moral support without a hint of complaint. To answer your question, I change everything every 3 days - I pushed it to 4 days one time, and had a blowout at night. Fortunately I was wearing my trusty Silhouette Depends for Women over my underpants, like I do every night, and it was fully contained so all I had to do was shower, change, and go back to sleep - without having to change the sheets or gross out my husband! Please keep up that positive attitude, and it will get better with time - I promise!

Love and hugs from Marge

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Morning Trevbean..
Glad to see..and hear a bit of a lift in your spirt! You do have an amazing son!! That's fabulous!!
Hormones could be "right on" as well, as Kerri stated.
You have gained some weight!!! That's great! Progress... slow and steady!

Pity party's are "ok"... for a short term.. but we are not going to let you stay there.. : ) Life is better than that!!! We all have them.... glad that each of us could help in our own way, somehow with our words and encouragement!

You are in my prayers,
Mare

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Good Morning Trevbean,
I think you are going through so much right now it is probably hard to separate which has you most upset. It is hard enough to try to adapt to your new life and get your strength back, and you seem to be on the right track there. But secondly the divorce is a very hard thing to go through. I don't know personally but I have had many friends whose marriage ended in divorce. So to try and face both of these at once I can't imagine. And if I remember correctly, did you also lose your dental job? If so each of these in itself is life altering, so possibly you may want to join support group or look into an anti-depressant short term until some of these things are behind you. And once in a while your allowed to have a pitty party, it's all part of the process. You are lucky it sounds like you have wonderful children that are very supportive and that is a blessing. Hang in there, and keep in touch. Sorry at work now I have to get busy. Take care, Karen

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Trevbean

Sounds like you have two wonderful sons, how lucky is that! I too am only 10 weeks out of surgery and had many days in the begining when I felt hopeless. I had diarreaha, a very bad rash, a stoma that just wouldn't cooperate and was changing my bag every day, I too ended up in the emergency room with dehydration four weeks after surgery. Somehow I have gotten through it, I have children and grandchildren that I want to enjoy, I have no time to be feeling sorry for myself, they need me! As your sons need you no matter how old they are! I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it is dim now but I know it will get brighter in time, I still battle the diarreaha but at least its contained, and I have the changing down to 2 days, so it is getting better. I am so grateful to just be alive! Hang in there and don't be afraid to lean on the people who love you.

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Hello I'm a 3 year cancer survivor & three surgery's later now living with a permanent colostomy. I had colon rectal cancer & as I was reading your post the feeling you are now experiencing are normal but no one ever tells you this before surgery & after surgery I was very depressed for a year or more and all I did was lay in my bed crying and feeling so bad about myself wondering if I would every live a normal life again!
I still haven't really gotten a handle on my life but I'm still learning & trying. But I'm very grateful to God for a second chance with life which some people don't get. It's a very long road ahead of you. I also went threw the diarrhea thing until figured out it was one of my medications for diabetes I took Imodium AD for a while but it got to expensive for my pocket then my doctor put me on lomotil, four times a day now it helps but isn't the solution even after I stopped taking the med for my diabetes I still had diarrhea . I am still struggling with living with a colostomy it broke my marriage up of 13 years and me trying to get a date now is like pulling teeth back in the day it hurts and it's so impossible for me now once I tell a lady that I have a colostomy they run and it makes me feel all alone and sad that people can judge you like that I think it's easier for a woman with a colostomy to date not all but some men wouldn't even care because all they want is to get in a woman pants (sad)! I'm so sorry I'm babbling on about myself I'm here to try and make you feel better and let you know you aren't alone!

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Trevbean, Glad to hear your attitude is a little more upbeat. I know this is very dificult to go through. I'm a cancer survivor as well and I lived just down the road from you a piece, in Idaho. I had my surgery in Salt Lake City at the VA, and Huntsman Center was where my radiation was done. I cannot add much more to everyone's post. There is a lot of support on this board and I needed and used it back when I was where you are at. I'm 2 years, maybe a little more, out of chemo and radiation, 1 year and 9 months out of my colostomy. I lost my rectum to Colorectal cancer and I'm also HIV positive for 27 years. I'm still alive to tell about it, thank GOD.
I did want to address the dating scene issue, however.
Studiomanallways, I hear your issue on dating with an ostomy. This is an ongoing issue with all of us. However, that said, "If they can't accept you for who you are and all your faults, then you have weeded out the ones you don't need in your life."
All of us have faults, and no one is perfect, so you just have to keep your self image up. Someone will Love You for Who You Are,
flaws and all.
I have coupled with someone who really cares for me, so I know it can be done. I had my doubts as well.
My cancer, HIV issue, and now the colostomy, has not stopped me from getting out and enjoying life. We all just have to put one foot forward and go on. Be willing to accept the downfalls because the rewards can be wonderful.
Enjoy your single life as best you can. I didn't like being single either, But I got to know myself a little bit better during my single years. You Know; I'm not such a bad person after all. I don't really need to validate my LIFE JOURNEY, through someone else.
That said, I DO want someone in my life to share it with. Someone to Love.
I found that too. It takes a positive outlook. You need to find that. You have something to offer. Sooner or later you'll find someone who will recognize that. You've Lived through quite an ordeal and that is quite an accomplishment. Find a Love in Yourself because that's ultimately where it has to start from.
I truely hope this helps because no one knows better how you feel; Than Me.
Prayers and Best Wishes in your recovery.
Michael

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More beautiful words, Michael. You seem to have it all together. With all its shortcomings, life has been good to you. On top of everything else you have going for you I can tell by your picture that you "don't look the part." No one would ever guess. I admire your character.
Blessings,
Alan

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Alan,
Thanks, and I'm glad to know that I come across seeming to be all together.
With all I've been through, I wonder about that sometimes. I just live life as I see it.
Call it as I see it as well. Sometimes I get it right. I do believe life has been good to me.
We all have problems to deal with. That's just what life's about. Problem solving, LOL.!!
Oh, the picture is of my cat and me in Arches National Park, near Moab, Utah.
Snowcloud, her name, was about 5weeks old there. I had to take her with me wherever I went.
She is 17 years old now and she's been my companion for every since my partner passed away.
I will truely miss her when she goes. I'll be a mess that day.
Hopefully all is well with you. I enjoy your posts as well. You are so kind and helpful.
The board is better with you here.
Blessings to you.
Michael

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Thanks, Michael. I really appreciate that.
Blessings,
Alan

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Well I figured out my problem, I guess I had too many specialists and too serious of a condition that a big detail got missed that would have changed my whole recovery time. I have been on an antidepressant since Crohn's, Effexor xr 225mg daily. Well I was reading some posts on here and remembering, no extended release meds with ileostomy, finally, I look at my bottle of effexor, XR equals extended release, HELLO!, So I call my GI doctor ask them where it is released, they said call the pharmacy, come to find out it is all absorbed in the colon, I had been getting nothing! They gave me this medication in the hospital after my surgery, the doctor that dismissed me went over my meds, then said "no extended release anything for you now", then read my meds off, huge mistake! Then after research on the Internet going off Effexor cold turkey, which is what I did the day of my surgery, is the most dangerous, hardest thing to do. Evidently Effexor has the worse withdrawal reputation, suppose to wean off slowly, very slowly! The day my colon was gone was the day I went off Effexor! So, I called my general care physician, she confirmed what I said, prescribed an immediate release Effexor, I take twice a day, and guess what? I didn't lose myself with my colon, I feel so much better, no crying every minute, no more suicidal thoughts, sleeping without terrible dreams, no night sweats! I am not kidding just google going off Effexor and you will see what I have been going through! My general physician called me yesterday to apologize, and said it is amazing I made it! So the past 12 weeks would have been entirely different for me, no panic attacks, crippling panic attacks! One really needs to pay close attention to every detail, I think all my doctors were just so focused on keeping me alive, keeping me sane got missed, So, no more pitty party's, maybe even a smile once in a while, I feel like I might get thru this now! I seriously was suicidal, it scares me now! I think it was you all that kept me hanging on, Thanks!

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