I haven't had sex in 3 years

By DarkXness · August 19, 2012 at 5:16 am · 63 replies
In Dating, relationships and sexuality
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My wife always gives me some off the wall reason as to why she can't or doesn't want too. Her main reason is that her leggs hurt her, Or her knee. She'll ask if sex is all I can think about, I say yes at this point. Of course she says that she is afraid she might hurt me. I say break a few ribs while your at it PLEASE. What is a man to do? Is it a bad thing to undress every woman I see with my eyes. I guess I'm just venting here. Maybe whining a bit too. I don't get it, I really mean that....
David

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By Mbauman6
Reply 3302822
August 19, 2012 at 6:09 am
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I haven't had my ostomy surgery yet but I must say my husband has the same fear that I will never want to do anything with him again. I think a support group for your wife if you belong to one would be great or even call the nurse. These things might help her understand this a little more. Just a few thoughts. I have already lined up people to talk to my nurse and go to the local support group. I am going to ask the director/president of the support group about it. Just because I know it could be an issue. I think it is awesome you are confident enough to be ready for it. sounds like your wife needs some support understand and caring for your needs. I hope it works out!

By chris082
Reply 3302898
August 19, 2012 at 7:56 am
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W/ being a new ostomy my husband thought he may hurt me too. I was having a really bad night a few days ao, crying and so very sad. My husband came in the bedroom to check on me and was very sweet to stand by the bed and rub my leg and say all of the right things. I told him I needed him to get in bed and hold me which he did. I cried and we talked and then we made love. Afterwards I asked him to promise me we would do this more often. I think we really communicated and we will be ok. Hope this encourages you.

By PDAinCT
Reply 3302947
August 19, 2012 at 8:20 am
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Sorry to hear that. Doesnt sound good for either of you. A fun fact I learned recently; If a woman has 200 orgasms per year she will look on average SIX years younger. A steep number indeed but something to motivate you at least.

By Weave
Reply 3302956
August 19, 2012 at 8:24 am
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We have never had an issue about sex, over the thirty nine years, things I do, we have to plan on it, I Put a new pouch on, I do not and will not wear clear pouches, I wear a white pouch, you see no fecus. Sometimes she will move the the tail closure during.

We both enjoy it and the ostomy has not gotten in the way, some years ago i might wear some silk boxers over the pouch,

Talk about it, get help before you give up a marriage. we been married 40 years and won't give up now.

Weave

By alan41241
Reply 3302969
August 19, 2012 at 8:34 am
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I'm hardly in a position to talk about sex since there is nobody in my life right now. But I think doing without for whatever reason when you're married is awful. Have you two talked about it? Would she go to a therapist about it? Does she realize that the reason you talk about it all the time is because you're not getting any? Does she realize that her reluctance could cause you to look elsewhere? Maybe it's time for a real good sit-down conversation on this subject if you haven't done that already.
Blessings,
Alan

By BigR
Reply 3303232
August 19, 2012 at 10:54 am
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First off its normal to check out other women and her to check out other guys! I got a wrap thing I use to hold the bag, we popped the bag off once! Sounds like she needs to feel you're ok! So if you're bummed out and have a bad attitude, change it and see what happens. Good luck

By 1963fred
Reply 3303378
August 19, 2012 at 11:47 am
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Im 49 and had a colostomy 4 years ago. My wife and I had a very healthy sex life before my surgery and are just as active now. It did take 4-6 months after to get back into the swing of things, but all is good now. My wife was also afraid at first that she would hurt or injure my stoma, I told her I would let her know if it was a problem. It never was. I'm wondering if your wife has other issues. Was your sex life healthy before your surgery?

By BigDaddy-Rosebud
Reply 3303619
August 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm
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OMG - I almost spit out my morning coffee. Tell ya what--- just get her real drunk and go for it! ;o)

By dollyme (Inactive)
Reply 3303666
August 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm
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All the advice above is great, maybe she is exhausted mentally. CHRIS982 said it best just hold her in your arms be tender. Go for walks ask her question about her day and her needs. After three years you may have to court her. I love to watch wild life shows and you see the male courting a female before he even dares to jump on her. You have needs and 3 years is a long time too long. But her needs are different. (that is what it seems like to me)

There is something emotionally going on with her not just she is afraid she will hurt you. If you were fresh out of surgey I would say yes she is afraid to hurt you.

Good luck and God bless both of you
Dolly

By DrTReese
Reply 3303694
August 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm
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She might be having hormonal shifts and that can make a big difference when it comes to libido! She should go to her gynecologist or even her primary doctor and have them check hormone levels. Terri

By Chriswife
Reply 3303853
August 19, 2012 at 3:08 pm
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I dont know how oldshe is but you are 47 and if she is close to your age she may be getting close to menopause and that can cause a lack of libido and also emotional issues for women. Could there be something healthwise going on with her that she does not want you to worry about her? I am not saying that she is not worried about hurting you I am just asking if maybe there is a lot more to it.

By PortlandOR
Reply 3303886
August 19, 2012 at 3:22 pm
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I was fortunate to have a wonderful partner who may have been grossed out, but never let it show. I was fortunate to have sex 2 days after leaving the hospital. I would let her know it won't hurt you, and one thing I have done is use my ace bandage like wrap to cover my pouch. Of course for ostimates like us, our hygiene is important. We need to feel good about ourselves. I would suggest after you empty your pouch, tuck it inside an ace bandage type wrap, then it's out of sight. Good luck my friend.

By Rosebud2012
Reply 3303960
August 19, 2012 at 3:57 pm
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Dear DarkXness,

I do not know you all that well or know if it is you or your wife with the ostomy. For me as a woman, it was and still is very hard for me to get into the swing of things. I have even read the "Fifty Shades of Grey" series to help put me in the mood. No prevail.
My husband and I haven't had sex in about 3 years as well. Infact we do not even sleep in the same bed together since my ileostomy surgery.
Besides having an ileostomy done, my surgeon also did a total historectomy due to some of the infection moving onto my woman parts. I do not know if it is so much of my ileostomy holding me back or the historectomy stopping me from having sex. I have told him "Its not you, Its me". We have started to go at it slowly, like we did when we were dating, flowers, candy and the bases. We still have made it home yet. Hopefully before our 22 anniversary next month we will.
I wish you the best of luck and to try the Wooing her again.

Take Care.
Josie

By DarkXness
Reply 3305595
August 20, 2012 at 9:36 am
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BigDaddy-Rosebud - LOL, She doesn't drink. I wouldn't do that anyway.
She is also 47 and no she doesn't have the bag. She takes really good care of me. I just don't get any sex or make love.
The one time we had sex 2 months after i got my Ostomy was great.
I try to find facts about sex and why it's important for both of us. But on the net, That leads to just one thing. Trashy sites.
She tells me that her legs hurt her, Like sharp pains or even neddles sticky her all the time. Her feet are numb.
She's a (Diebetic) I can't spell it.... But she has suger and is type 2. I tell her that she should go to the doctor.
Anyway, She is going back home to take care of her mother.... (Her mom had a stroke 3 months ago)
I will stay true to Maxine and she will stay true to me. The trust is there. Just no action. I know she has alot on her mind right now with her mom and all. I understand that. It's before the stroke that I'm talking about. I cover it up, It's not see-through and fresh.
I don't care about her hurting me, lol. I don't want to hurt her. She would be pissed off if she knew I was even talking about this.
God bless,
David

By hrcamacho
Reply 3305909
August 20, 2012 at 11:33 am
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Wow, I realize now that my husband is not alone! I have felt like crap our entire relationship physically. The fact we have two children is a miracle. I understand my husband's frustration with not "getting enough", but at the same time I've needed him to be loving and caring and just "there" at times and he's not. You and your wife are at the same place me and my husband are. We need to find each other again. Find out what made you fall in love with her in the first place. The special memories, try to reinact them. If she's in pain, she's not going to want you to touch her anymore than you would if the roles were reversed. My husband and I work on our marriage every single day. Does he get frustrated? Hell yes he does! Do I feel bad about it! Yes. But when sex actually hurts or makes you feel any cruddier, you don't want it. It's like food. IF everytime you ate steak it made you sick would you eat it again? No you wouldn't. So, it's a matter of finding out what's wrong physically with her, and letting her know, yes, I'm frustrated, but I love you, and we'll figure this out together.

By giggles52601
Reply 3306925
August 20, 2012 at 5:41 pm
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My situation is a little different, but does apply. My cancer was rectal. when I had radiation it was aimed at the rectal area which also affected the vaginal area. During the six weeks I got burned so badly that I had to go without radiation for one week. After it was done, I was given a, I guess you would call it a dildo, to help stretch the area back to normal. Well it didn't work! I can't let my husband penetrate me without much pain. It's been four years now. We do have sex though. At least we both get satisfied. We do oral sex& it works well for us. Maybe that's an option for you. Good luck & don't give up.

Giggles

By p3pattyo
Reply 3307323 · In reply to 3303886 by PortlandOR
August 20, 2012 at 8:15 pm
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Thank you for the tip of the ace bandage thing! I had my ileostomy the end of April and am out of my mind with grief as it is to the change in my body that I thought I would NEVER have sex again, but now you've given me an idea that I can actually try (and afford!)
Awesome!

By PDAinCT
Reply 3322080
August 26, 2012 at 7:55 am
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How are you making out David? Any luck?

By BigDaddy-Rosebud
Reply 3322295
August 26, 2012 at 9:37 am
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DarkXness, you know I'm just kidding. I wish you the best man. These ups and downs can be hard to deal with at times. Yikes - I better quit while I'm ahead. :o)