Help please!

• By neshama49
• Reply 3243748
• July 27, 2012 at 7:06 am
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As a male with an ostomy, you are seeing the ostomy before whom this guy is. I am empathetic to you especially the excellent work ostomy nurses do. But I am more empathetic to your partner(for obvious reasons). Please remember he is NO LESS THE PERSON you are in love with.

I think if and when you get more intimate, maybe he will wear an ostomy belt to cover the ostomy.

In my opinion, when it comes right before the time, talk to him about it and it may offset your concerns. Honesty is the strongest part of a relationship.

• By DRF56
• Reply 3243779
• July 27, 2012 at 7:25 am
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You will never know until you try.
Honesty is the best policy and that starts with being honest with yourself. Your courage to admit that you have doubts is a great step. I hope you can keep an open mind as you approach this level of your relationship. Discussion with your partner is the best thing to assuage your fears. It may even be a bonding moment that you two will look back on one day an laugh.

• By alan41241
• Reply 3243796
• July 27, 2012 at 7:36 am
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What can I say? There are thousands of men who have an ostomy pouch (we prefer pouch over bag) and I'm sure many of them if not all are intimate with their partners. An ostomy belt is the best way to hide the pouch during sex. It's isn't the most pleasant thing to look at, especially if it's not fully empty.
Talk your fears through with this man. If he loves you, he will be open to your fears and concerns. He will welcome your input. You really must be open with him and yourself before you are ready to go on.
I wear an ostomy pouch and although no one ever sees it, I believe it is as private as what one does in the bathroom, I would be open to discussing it with someone special in my life.
Is your friend a member of this site? If not, this is a great place to learn about ones self. Urge him to join. This could be something you could share.
Good luck.
Blessings,
Alan

• By stoneface
• Reply 3243893
• July 27, 2012 at 8:23 am
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worriedandconfused
First, let me say this, the ostomy appliance (pouch system--not bag!) is an exterior appearance.
Second, Intimacy goes much deeper than the exterior and is a whole lot more important in a relationship.

Relationships are not totally based on exterior "appearance", it is what is in the heart, soul, and mind!

You need to talk to him about "his Ileostomy" and ask him how he feels about it. I am a male, who has an Ileostomy and have had since the Summer of 2003. My wife and myself were intimate within a week after returning home from the hospital. She has no concerns or feelings that affect our intimacy one way or the other. The Ostomate who has had to have surgery and have the outside appliance to continue their life is really not going to allow the pouch system to get in the way of intimacy. Intimacy is not restricted to sexual activity, it can be hugging, kissing, holding hands, or just taking a walk and talking.

I have purchased some briefs, from an advertiser that is part of Convatec website and the United Ostomy Association of America website advertising. These briefs have a special "pocket" sewed inside to place the pouch in and the lower end is open for activity as needed. There are pouch covers that "hide" the efluent in a pouch, also, a "shorty" pouch that can be placed on the barrier for use during intimate moments.

The problem that comes about from being worried and confused is you need to "separate" your own Nursing responsibilities from your "relationship" with him. When you leave the hospital or doctors office from work, leave your "nurse" job at the office and then when you get home, "put on your relationship" personality. Let me say this, intimacy between co-workers at work does not every work, therefore, intimacy picks up at "home" with our partner in any of the ways I fore mentioned.

You might want to subscribe to the United Ostomy Association of America's official magazine, The Phoenix!. There are a lot of good articles in the magazine on different issues that face Ostomates and their "partners", "caregivers" and etc.
Also, the suggestion for your partner to become a member of this support area would be very helpful to him. Another support mechanism would be joining a local Ostomy Support Group, where there are several experienced Ostomates that have had questions in the past about "intimacy" issues.

Bottom line---stop your worrying and being confused. Let your personal relationship with him blossom into a good long intimate life.

• By herbsgal70
• Reply 3243941
• July 27, 2012 at 8:47 am
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worriedandconfused - alan and stoneface are right on with their advice and suggestions - intimacy isn't all about sex and if you find you love each other enough your physical problems will be of no consequence and no deterrent to sexual relations. I met my wonderful husband when I was 70 and we have been married for 9 wonderful years now. When I go to bed at night I am a real sex object. LOL I sleep at night in an old pair of underpants over my appliance (ileostomy), topped off with a Depends pull-up panty in the rare case I have a breakthrough in the night I can just throw them away and shower. Then I put in my retainers because I had my teeth straightened at 71, and top that off with a CPAP mask for sleep apnea. If an intruder should come in during the night I am sure he would run for his life just looking at me. LOL In spite of all that, my "Mr. Wonderful" tells me I am beautiful, says he loves me several times a day and, in fact, swears he loves me more than I love him! Love does conquer all! Hugs - Marge

• By worriedandconfused
• Reply 3244001
• July 27, 2012 at 9:08 am
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thank you to all of you. i really appreciate your advice. and your right i do need to speak to him about it as i also fear hurting him in some way physically. i guess its a fear of the pouch..... hopefully he would be open to discussing it with m e.

once again thank you to everybody :) good luck

• By alan41241
• Reply 3244006
• July 27, 2012 at 9:12 am
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Marge,
When you finally get in bed you must be a real sight to behold!! lol. But if you are as fun to live with as you are fun to read on this site no wonder your husband loves you. There is a lot to love there. I hope if I live to see 80 that I am half as full of life as you are. Eighty is just nine years away for me.
Blessings,
Alan

• By herbsgal70
• Reply 3244100
• July 27, 2012 at 9:45 am
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Thanks Alan! Yes, I am really a sight! LOL

• By alan41241
• Reply 3244137
• July 27, 2012 at 9:59 am
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But a sweetheart!!
Blessings,
Alan

• By fancy1965
• Reply 3245132
• July 27, 2012 at 4:24 pm
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I have only had sex with my husband twice since my surgery march 26,12. He tried to make me feel like he did not feel anything different and It was fine. I was scared but I tried to hide that from him and I should have told him. so just be honest with him up front he will deal with that better than trying to hide your feelings no matter what you thought in the past.

• By herbsgal70
• Reply 3245196
• July 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm
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I don't know how I would react - I am 80 and he is 77, but we did have an active sex life before my ileostomy. I don't mind doing without, but try to make him happy now and then! I really don't know how things would be if we were much younger, and I realize that there are probably those of you among us who still can and want to have children. Go for it! Love conquers all! Marge

• By kimsa
• Reply 3245489
• July 27, 2012 at 7:20 pm
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Be honest and open. And communicate!!

• By stoneface
• Reply 3245635 · In reply to 3244001 by worriedandconfused
• July 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm
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If you are afraid of hurting his "stoma", it is pretty tough. Besides, there are protective devices one could purchase, called stoma guard. Look it up in The Phoenix Magazine, published by United Ostomy Association of America, Inc. Besides if he were to change to the "shorty pouch", it would not be in your way and you still would not hurt him. He could empty and put the "shorty pouch" on and "get it on".

Stopy Worring and being confused!

• By Maz47
• Reply 3245717
• July 27, 2012 at 9:22 pm
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Hi,
I feel if you always look at life as what your going to miss out on. You will!

• By mariegirls
• Reply 3245902
• July 27, 2012 at 10:46 pm
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Hi worriedandconfused, and hi to all! Love talking about sex :) Everyone is right on about communication and love, etc.

It's been a long time, but I do remember a little what it's like to anticipate, and then have, that first intimate nudity/sex with a new partner. I don't know if all women do this... but I used to tend to worry about what I looked like (and this was before ostomy) and what they were thinking, and what I was thinking, and what everything meant. TOO MUCH THINKING! You're worrying too much! How is this any different than being with ANYONE for the first time? You worry that you may not like the sex for some reason or another, and does that mean the end of the relationship? Hope not. Quite a lot of first times aren't all that great for one reason or another, but just get better!

Maybe just let sex be sex and try to enjoy yourself! Do something together that will make you hot & bothered. Get drunk and go dancing, talk dirty all day, watch a racy movie, read one of those Shades of Gray books together, go skydiving or skiing or hiking or something that gets your blood pumping. Maybe the first time, it'd be good to have a lot of clothed foreplay so that you're too busy thinking about sex to think about anything else when the time comes.

This may be a little forward of a question but since you mentioned it...you said that people who genuinely love you will accept it... which leads me to ask....Is this niggling doubt really about the ostomy? Or is that a convenient scape-goat? You certainly don't need to answer that question to me, and I guess I don't want to know the answer, even. Maybe just something to think about...

True intimacy is a gift and one we cannot give without first knowing ourselves. That said, please do not become more intimate with this person until you've got this issue figured out. It is difficult for an ostomate to become lost in the moment. We can become concerned with "is it empty, will it be active, do i have the special undergarments, what will they think, i should be in this position..." etc. It is a tremendous gift if you can not only abandon YOUR worries and neurosis, but encourage and allow him to abandon his.

• By herbsgal70
• Reply 3246477
• July 28, 2012 at 9:04 am
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Loved your post, mariegirls - I had only been with one man - my husband of 43 years - until he died in 1994 when I was 62. I also had not ever lived alone. It was very different - and I "sowed a few wild oats" that most people do before they get married. I didn't have my ileostomy then, but I slept with - and still do - a CPAP mask for sleep apnea. Had to get over the embarassment of that! Fortunately, when I found the love of my life at age 70, he didn't mind a bit - and after 9 years of marriage all he has to say about my 7-month old ileostomy that he is proud of how I am taking care of it myself and doesn't think he could handle it. We are able to talk about anything - and have never had a cross word or argument in all our time together. He has been my caregiver through 5 surgeries (4 of them not related to my perforated colon) over the last 3 years with never a word of complaint - only loving TLC. Keeping the lines of communication open and do not be embarassed - after all, without these appliances we may not even be here!

Hugs from Marge

• By alan41241
• Reply 3246646
• July 28, 2012 at 10:10 am
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No, we wouldn't be here. We would be dead. Thank God for the advancement of ostomy medicine. A lifeline was thrown out to all of us and we chose life. Anything is better than the life I led for the 15 months preceding the surgery. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
Blessings,
Alan

Good Morning, Always!!

• By Kristin66
• Reply 3246649
• July 28, 2012 at 10:11 am
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Hi
There are special underwear for those times. I cut off the tag on them but I think they are from Phoenix. Wherever you order your supplies from will be able to help you out.

• By HappyS (Inactive)
• Reply 3247030
• July 28, 2012 at 12:52 pm
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Hello worriedandconfused,

If he did not have an ileostomy would you be asking yourself "I'm worried about getting intimate with him because....... You really need to take time and allow the relationship to develop naturally. If it's not natural it won't work anyway. This man has chosen to have a new life and does not need anyone undermining him even if unintentionally (any more than you do). The only "Worry" you should have, provided your relationship develops, is "Are we going to make each other happy in and out of bed?" In my experience the only thing about sex and stomas is that one needs to plan a bit - so spontaneity is by and large a distant memory but I suppose that unwrapping one's birthday presents is not spoiled by knowing which day they'll appear!

Carefix http://www.carefix.eu/en/ostomy-care/-stomasafe/-stomasafe-plus make a support belt that's a bit like a cummerbund and it stops the pouch flopping about.

I note you are in the UK - so am I - http://www.iasupport.org/ is the UK ileostomy support organization and http://www.ostomylifestyle.org/ organizes (amongst other things) fashion shows, I think in Manchester, where Ostomates of both sexes model all kinds of underwear, beach wear etc. They have videos on line - take a look it's inspiring to see people - some your age - confidently getting on with life - stoma and all.

• By dollyme (Inactive)
• Reply 3247293
• July 28, 2012 at 3:14 pm
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Happy S is so wise, I just love your post on this subject. I dito to all of what happy said.
Good luck worried.