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CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE

I feel like I'm being buried alive --
Youngest son took his own life, Father's Day 2005; from then on I have had 10 plus surgeries; October 26th was my oldest son's 40th birthday - he attempted suicide for the 4th time and now is an inpatient; October 27th I finally had my appointment with one of the top GI doctors only to be told that he is not able to help me. I was told that I was not a candidate for Humara or any of the other drugs as they effect the immune system and due to all the surgeries that I have had the drugs could be fatal.
I have no family, my husband (a functual alcoholic) speaks only if it is absolutely necessary and the very few friends I have are involved in their own lives. I cannot remember the last time I had someone give me a genuine from the heart hug.
I don't get any restful sleep as I am up at least 3 times to empty.
My pain level is off the charts, it's extremely high after eating, the minute food gets into the small intestine I will cramp up to the point that all I want to do is curl up into a ball and hide in a corner. I try to take as little medication as I can however my son still considers me a drug abuser. My husband drinks nothing but beer all day long. He even packs a small cooler for his beer if he is going to be away from the house for more than an hour. He went to the hospital to see our son and one of the nurses remarked about his smelling of beer. I tried talking to him about it since it directly relates to my son's recovery but he wasn't having any of it and has pulled even further away.
Please say an extra prayer.

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Oh Kristin,

I am so very sorry to hear of the pain that you are going thru. I know completely how you feel,well not completely because I have not gone thru some of the pains that you are going thru, but I can tell you I know how it feels to feel completely alone. I mean completely. I know my friends all have their own lives with their kids and spouses. My family are all very self involved and I am a day away from losing my job and have no idea what I will do when that happens because I have no energy or will to look for a new job much less starting one. So I know. You will be in my prayers from here on out. Is there anything else that I can do? Where do you live, in Wisconsin by chance.

Your husband must be going thru some deep pains of his own and obviously not handeling it correctly. Alcohol is an unfortunate drug that so many people use to try to tame down thos feelings of helplessnes and sadness when you just can't handle it anymore. Does he recognize that he has a problem? Have you guy's done any counseling? How about your son, is it from his brother having commited suicide that he feels so lost?

What type of surgeries have you had and why? Why do the GI docs feel like there is nothing that can be done? I always feel that there must be somthing and we sometimes have to push and push to try and get some one to really listen and help resolve the issue at hand.

WOW, WOW, so many, many things. I don't know you very well but can tell that you are a very strong person, probably stronger then you think, because you have made it thru this long right. You can make it even further, I can feel it.

Please don't give up and hang in there for us. We love you. I know that somewhere there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I say that for you and me both.

My arms are around you right now giving you a great big heartfelt genuine hug. Can you feel it? It is so tight and strong I hope you can.

Keep talking to us girl we are here for you.

Love and Always
JRo

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I'm sorry to hear of your sorrows Kristin, it's so awful! You must take care of you though. If you are in pain, then take your medication. It is OK to seek relief, and if your doctor has seen fit to prescribe it and the bottle has your name on it then TAKE IT and feel better. I too am dealing with crohns, ileostomy, medication stuff and have a husband that I have to HIDE my pain medication from as he will take it just because he wants to get high. Right after my emergency surgery to remove the mass and came home with staples from my belly button on down, fitted with a bag (OMG), the only thing he said is "what did they give you for pain", not how are you!! I often wonder what the heck am I doing back with him, and being ill it's hard to just pick up and start over, but please believe me when I tell you it will get better but you have to take care of your honey. I'm so sorry that one son is gone, but you do still have a son and he is obviously where he needs to be to get better, so you MUST take care of you so that you and your son can have happy days again. As for your husband, and mine - there's no hope for them, but I've decided I'm not going to let him ruin another day of my life so you stay strong, take your meds (pain ones too) and put a smile on because when you smile you feel better and when you feel better then you can get stronger to help your son get better. God Bless, you are in my prayers. (sorry to ramble on, but please know you're not alone, He's there and will hear us pray together!)

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Kristin, I'm so very sorry for all your troubles. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child. I have only one and she is 45 and doing quite well. I also can't imagine living with a husband, who for want of a better word, is a drunk.
Can you leave him? Sounds like that is really your only option.

Patty, I don't see your life as being much better than Kristin's. Again, an abusive husband. Perhaps not physically but abusive nonetheless. Can you leave him?

I live alone and love it. There are worse things than being alone. One of them is being with the wrong one.

You both are definately in my prayers.

Blessings,
Alan

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Kristin,

Hello. I waned to check in to see how you are doing. How are things going any better?

Been thinking and praying for you.

Always
JRo

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Morning Kristin...
I too was wondering how you are doing? As well as (((Janet))))
You know... Burlington, VT or Dartmouth, NH is only about 3 hours away from you... They both have highly respected GI doctors ... I know that Burlington is a teaching hospital/college and a research center.. as well as Dartmouth.... Might a second opinion be necessary? I say "only".. because before I moved to VT.. I used to have to travel that distance to get here, for all my appointments.....
I would welcome you to stay here if you came to VT... I am only about 7 miles from the hospital..

Thinking of you.. and holding you in prayer and thoughts...
Mare

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Good Morning Kristin - also checking in to see how things are going for you now, since we haven't heard from you for months. I did lose my beautiful 21 year old daughter to suicide in 1977 - nothing is worse than losing a child. I also was in a 43-year marriage with an abusive alcoholic. He didn't drink during the day, but started with a dozen Heinekins when he got home from his work designing computers for space systems. Then he would start accusing me of "fictional" affairs, and smack me around when I tried to tell him I was a virgin when we met and had never slept with another man. He verbally abused our 4 children, which probably contributed a great deal to Pam's suicide. He passed away in 1994 and I have since re-married to a wonderful man almost 10 years ago. I had emergency surgery for a perforated colon a year ago this month, and am living with an ileostomy and an abdominal bulge from having my muscles cut to save my life - I look about 8 months pregnant - but will be living with what I have now since I am 80 years old. I tell you this, only to let you know you are not alone in dealing with your family, and I am especially sensitive to some of your troubles.

Everyone here in your "ostomy family" would certainly give you a heartfelt hug if we could! I always sign off here with love and hugs because they are what I feel in my heart for each one of you.

Please answer our requests to let us know how you are doing since October - we are all praying for you and you are very dear to us!

Love and many hugs from Marge

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Hello Kristen, I hope that things are getting better for you please seek a second opioion and I will surely be praying for you. Please know that there are people that care about you. Please stay strong because you are. Cheryl

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