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A good joke

GirlA
0 Recommendations

Feeling better today. Does anyone have a good joke or two? I have one: "What is brown and sticky?"
Answer: A stick.

Explore topics in this discussion:

Neurofibromatosis Memory Stroke

22 replies

hopeful0712

A friend sent me this today,

Some men never learn...

SHEER NIGHTGOWN

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday at Noon.

guilty_spork

Q: What do you call a pilot with NF?
























A: A pilot you judgemental ass hole !!!

PVA

Spork,

I thought that you would call him Sir. :-)

PVA

Here's an oldie taken from Mel Blanc.

What is high in the middle and round at both ends?











OHIO.

I know, its not that funny. lol ;-)

coco76

lol

coco76

lol

coco76

lol

coco76

i knew that was O-hi-O
lol

PVA

My son has one.
"What is a snake's favorite subject in school?"



"Hissssstory."

guilty_spork

I just realized that I dont know ANY appropriate jokes to share on here.

JPC

Touching Story

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following
letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for yourkindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my
prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

JPC

Here is one for everyone. It's not a joke. It is just a very nice thought and it is very fitting for this forum.
Enjoy
JPC

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They ! agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parent s. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

BettieC

Not a joke, but I laughed hysterical today when it happened.....

We were watching CNN, and a story was on the scrolling ticker at the bottom of the screen.......it was about a pilot who landed a plane after a bird strike...............................well, one of my co-workers who was the furthest from the tv, says.........,.,what?? Pilot lands plane after stroke???!

That just hit me to be sooo funny.....PLEASE note I don't think having a stroke is funny, but just that she thought a pilot could safely land a plane after having one, just struck me as funny.

JoefromJersey

From the e-mail archives.. you'll laugh, moan, or both.

So, this skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."

========================================

So, this termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

========================================

So, these two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and
orders and the bartender throws him out and yells, "I don't serve strings
in this bar!"

The other string roughs himself up on the street and curls up and orders.
The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"

String says, "Yeah."

Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"

String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

=========================================

So, this grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey! We
have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper smiles. "Really? You have a
drink named Steve?"

========================================

So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."

========================================

So, a three-legged dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man
who shot my paw."

========================================

So, a hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we
don't serve food here."

========================================

So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I
can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because
you can't hold your liquor."

========================================

So, a guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said.

========================================

So, two peanuts walked into a bar and one was a salted.

========================================

So, two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have
a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite."

========================================

So, two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yeah, I'm
positive."

========================================

So, a man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. As he sipped the
beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!". Looking around he noticed
that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of
the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the
man called the bartender over, "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told
the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary"

JoefromJersey

More from the e-mail archives...

>* What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
> A stick.
>
>* What is a zebra?
> 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
>
>* How do you get holy water?
> Boil the hell out of it.
>
>* How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
> She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
>
>* What do prisoners use to call each other?
> Cell phones.
>
>* What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
> Nacho Cheese.
>
>* What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
> Quatro sinko.
>
>* What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
> A pachydermatologist
>
>* What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
>would kill you?
> A pool table.
>
>* Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
> Because they have big fingers.
>

JoefromJersey

A final one from the night from the e-mail archives (it's hard finding the appropriate jokes to pass along from there, but there are more..)

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He answered, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He responded, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She again replied, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he responded, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumed into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

Cara_B

Those are all worthy of groans!!! They make me smile, though (my dad told the same kind)!

Cara_B

A bitter, old married couple argued almost every day of their marriage. When the wife, Mary died, she was greeted at the gates of Heaven by St Peter. He told her that she only needed to pass one test to enter: spell one word. "What is the word?", she asked. He answered, "love". She spelled it and entered. St. Peter asked her to watch the gates as he took a short break. Soon Mary's husband, John appeared. "What are you doing here?" she asked. He told her that he felt so bad about how he treated her that he just lay down and died as well. Mary repeated St. Peter's requirement to enter the gates of Heaven: spell one word. "What's the word?" John asked. Mary looked at him and replied, "Neurofibromatosis".

JoefromJersey

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would
need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

sadderstar

Okay, so there is this doctor who is having an emotional debate with himself...

Part of him keeps trying to reassure him saying "Don't worry so much, all doctors have an affair their patients every once in a while..."

The other part of him is saying...
....
....
....
....
....
.... but you're a veterinarian.

ba doomp chsh.. :P

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