It's Day 19

It's now 19 days since my Cone Leep procedure. I had to go into the GYN's office a few days ago to get cauterized to stop my bleeding. She told me it was a "vascular" area, but that all in all things looked normal. My appointment to find out the results of my biopsy was moved back from July 3rd to July 10th since the cauterization. I have more healing to do now.

I thought I was out of the woods but today the bleeding started to get heavy again. I ran out to the store to buy heavy-duty maxi pads (again). I'm hating this since I've been post-menopausal for about 8 years. I'm still burning and spotting with what looks like ash. I think the bad smell is from the cauterization, but I'm not sure. I've never smelled burnt flesh before.

I met a nice guy who doesn't seem to be put off by all of this. Pretty amazing, huh? I'm being a bit stand-offish with him since I feel that if I open up my heart to him, reality will set in and he'll be gone. I hate to be alone when I'm sick, so I appreciate having him around. I'm fully aware that guys often bolt when their partners become ill. Maybe it reminds them of their own immortality, or maybe it inconveniences them, or even scares them when they don't know how to act if there is a problem they can't fix. Whatever the reason, it sure sucks. The last thing we need when we're going through the confusion and apprehension of this illness is being abandoned. HPV and it's complications burrow into our souls and trash our minds. Oh OK. I should be trying to be upbeat on this site. I know. But I'm only human and not perfect, and I have my weak moments too. The bleeding coming back has put me in a bad mood. It affects me at work since I have to worry about accidents, and my job is important to me. With a lot of unemployment in my area, I feel blessed to have a job at all. Oh yeah. This might be a good night to count my blessings. I do that when I feel the need, to keep life in perspective, and keep from feeling sorry for myself. I think to feel sorry for oneself is normal though if it doesn't get out of control. It's part of the grieving process, and we're grieving for our violated bodies, our changed relationships, our sex lives, and our carefree pasts which seem like such distant memories.

The guy I'm seeing makes me laugh. When I get in these moods, he says "well, aren't we having a BAD day!" He's right, of course. It's only one day. It'll get better.

To all of you: May your bad days be infrequent, and may you have the strength, stamina and humor to weather the storms of despair and depression, so that you will come out better and tougher, physically and mentally. Till next time...take care. Supportive hugs, M