Diagnosis Day

So today was the big day. Arrive at the doctor's for my 10:30 appointment, wait in the lobby for an hour while beautifully plump, pregnant women surround me. I, of course, am not pregnant (it's difficult for me to conceive). So I sit. And wait. And wonder. Two weeks ago I had received the pink postcard in the mail notifying me my pap results came back, and that both of my cervix (yes, I have two) came back abnormal...

Finally, escorted into the examination room, I wait for the doctor. He's such a great man. Always so cheery, even when he's obviously concerned.

He explained that I tested positive for HPV. And that my strains were 31 and 61, both strains found on both my right cervix and my left cervix. He also explained that these were not strains that led to genital warts, but strains that could lead to cancer.

He answered a few minor questions, but my brain really wasn't thinking clearly...still in a bit of shock and awe.

I go back in January for my first of several follow-up paps. Every three months for the next two years. And if the cervical cell changes progress, he may discuss future procedures then. But for now, it's stay healthy, take my Vitamin C to help boost my immune system, relax, breathe, and ... wait.

I've alerted my lovers to my diagnosis today. It was embarrassing. We use protection. Admittedly, there have been two occasions I had not used protection; and that's probably where it came from...but I was naive, and stupid...and now it's cost me.

One lover has written me off completely.
One expressed condolences and wishes to educate himself further.
One has offered me his shoulder and a cup of tea.

I'll take that shoulder and cup of tea. And I'll take that further education.

It's why I'm here.

I'm terrified. Ashamed. Embarrassed. And oh so sorry if I may have spread this to the men in my life. Even with protection. They are my bigger concern; I can make it through anything...but if I've harmed the lovers in my life, it's disheartening to think about...

So. Here I am. Educating myself. Surrounding myself with support. Because I don't know much. And I know I need to know. And I know I cannot be alone because I truly lack the inner strength I need...

Reaching out
Lisa