Why Does My Husband Hurt Me?

I am really trying to figure things out with my husband and it is so hard to deal with, I just don't know what to do.
When I was diagnosed with CC in October, he wasn't really there for me the way I needed him to be, then going through all of my treatments, he wasn't really there for me either. I felt like he didn't care, didn't want to help me, and honestly, just plain lazy! Looking back from the time I was having treatments until I was finished, my house went down hill. I was so glad when I got back to my old self again I could clean :-)
He would get mad at me when I was not able to have sex, to the point of him yelling at me and cussing me out, to accusing me of cheating on him. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I was just going through so much that I didn't have the energy. There was a point that I think I lost my sex drive during treatment. Now, it is back somewhat, but not like it used to be.
Well, the whole point of what this discussion is about is, in early January he started having "problems", he has high blood pressure and I had to call 911 twice because he didn't know if he was having a heart attack, thankfully he didn't. But now that he has to see a cardiologist (they did a nuclear stress test and a 24 hour heart monitor) and his pcp, he wants me to "baby" him all the time and all he does is sleep and be lazy. How can I do all of this for him when he treated me the way he did when I was going through treatments? I never got "babied"
Everyday he don't feel good, or he hurts, its always something!!!!!!
He is even starting to be mean to the kids and that is bothering me. He don't seem to want to work, and I'm having a hard time finding a job, so I don't know what to do.
I feel like that I'm just a piece of trash to him, he don't seem to have a care in the world since my grandma has been paying all the bills.
It kind of feels like I'm falling out of love with him, I mean it is so bad that I have dreams of "being happy" with another guy, of course I have no clue who he is. They're very vivid dreams and feel so real.
Why is all of this happening?
We have been married 3 years, together 4 years as of 2/21/06
We have 3 children together.
Am I just supposed to keep letting him walk all over me?
Some days I feel like we are over and I want a divorce.
Sorry to bitch and complain, but I swear I have no one else to turn to.
Please let me know your thoughts, if this has ever happened to you and what you did about it.
I'm just tired of paying for everything and him living off of me and my grandma.
Thanks Ladies!
Much Love,
Erica

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Oh Erica,

I'm so sorry for you. I am so proud that you have beat this cancer and have had such a motivating positive attitude.

I have been happily single for MANY years and have yet to meet a man who I find decent and worthy of my affections. Soooo I may not be the best marriage counselor out there... That being said...

SInce YOUR grandma is paying the living expenses in the house youand YOUR children are living in... I would kick his ass to the curb. What kind of man uses excuses to NOT want to support his children let alone the woman who gave his these great kids. By what you have posted before, you were thrilled at a mere balloon when you got your great news that treatments had gone well. What an insensitive ASS to accuse you of cheating when you have been going thru the fight of your life. HOW DARE he...
You deserve more.

Maybe it's time he goes and mouches off of his own family-- I'm sure there is mother, father, siblings...etc... Let him know the free lunch is OVER. You need to focus on your kids and raising them to be wonderful additions to society. You also need to maintin your own health-and stress and worry are no good for you.

Also, if he is yelling and beratting you in front of your kids, that is TOTALLY sending the wrong message to your kids. Do you want your kids to see that?

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership--soundls like your Grandma is your partner and he is just taking up closet and couch space...

As I said, I've been hurt many times over the years. My 2 boys are my priority Would I love to find someone to share in our lives? yes. Will I settle for less than I deserve? NOWAY!!

Hope this helps my friend.

xoxo

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Hello Erica....
im so so sorry to hear of another woman who doesnt have a very supportive partner....first of all i am very happy that your cc is clear so far...i was diagnosed with IC (interstitial cystitas) last yr...i also have a tumor on my right kidney and some other female problems...my partner didnt understand either when it came to sex...i just couldnt not because i didnt love him...but because the same reasons as you...i just dont have the sex drive at the moment....well last wk he walked away from my 3 kids and our 2 together....i will not blab on and on...i too asked for advice and to my surprise so far i have received around 85 responses...please take the time to read them as it has helped me immensely to heal and to stop blaming myself for the break up....you dont deserve a man like that....i will NEVER EVER forgive mine for not being there in my darkest moment...he walked away a wk after my renal surgery which was only 2 wks ago....when he married you he took those vowels "in sickness and in health"...mention that to him....remember your kids come first...my mum always reminds me that 'you cant replace your children but you can a man....'so remember like one of the poeple adviced me...you are battling 2 diseases at the moment...get rid of one...and i dont have to tell you which one it is...im sorry i might sound so harsh...but i am now going through the anger period...so yes i am frustrated...how can a man that supposedly loves you do this to you....it took me nearly 2 yrs to leave him...and why??? because of the kids...and at the end he left anyway....because some (not all) men think with their bottom head and not the top head...be strong...and god bless you..
Sonia

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Erica,

You absolutely do NOT deserve being treated that way. Have you tried marriage counseling? If you are not at the point where you are ready to leave him, maybe you could suggest that to him. If he isn't willing to even try counseling, then I would have to think that he isn't worth the time or trouble at all.

It is so frustrating that some men think they can treat women badly. Let him know it isn't ok, and you will not put up with it any more.

Thinking about you!
Erin

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Dear, Erica:

I am so sorry to hear about what is happening to your husband. His behavior could be the result of his medical problems & the meds he might be taking.

BUT you & your children should not have to put up with ABUSE. In California, if the other parent knows of the child abuse, the authories will charge both parents with child abuse.

BUT I can not advise you what to do. I would never tell anyone to leave their significant other.

But you do need to get help for you, your children & your husband & soon.

I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.

Love, hugs, & prayers.

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Erica,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I believe that if a man is treating his family in a way that is neglectful or abusive, he should be asked to leave until he gets help for a few months at least. You have your'e health and children that need time and attention, not a spouse that seems to continue to act selfishly. It might be helpful if you got counseling as well, so that you have somebody to guide you through this process. Sorry, if this sounds harsh, hopefully he will get the help he needs. Take care

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What a piece of shit!!! I would, without hesitation, kick is lazy, no good, non supporting~~mooching ass to the curb! You have came tooooo far Erica to allow someone as WORTHLESS as he is to bring you to another low in your life! Get out of that marriage!! A man that would not support his wife through the darkest moments of her life is not a man at ALL in my eyes!! He's a coward!!!
You deserve sooooooooooooo much better! I would venture to say that your g-ma woukld kick his ass out if she knew the half of it!!!!!!!

Keep the joy in your life by ridding it of the toxity in it.....That my dear would be HIM!!!

Tell him not to let the door hit him in his ass on the way out of it...............

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Hi RKOGirl -- Sounds like your husband needs to develop some life coping skills. He can't be feeling too good about himself, since he's essentially not contributing. It's possible he's overwhelmed and doesn't have the confidence or life skills to cope, so is hiding behind his illness (as a way to justify his inability to perform his role in the family).

It's scary for people to go from non-performing and incompetent to performing and competent because there's always the chance of failure, so it's easier to sit in a helpless heap and blame something or someone else for a person's lack of ability to deal. But, that only reinforces the problem.

I would definitely apply some "tough love." He needs to get his act together, not just for you, but for himself and his sense of self-worth. Or... maybe he is just lazy and there's no helping him. But the more he's waited on, the lazier he will get. So, I agree with all those above -- counseling to try to figure out what's going on and what actions to take to improve the situation -- and, if the situation is not redeemable -- kick the sorry, lazy ass to the curb.

I would also say that even potentially competent people can fall into that vicious cycle of dependency on others that allows their own skills to atrophy and erodes their sense of self-worth. People need to be contributors -- for their sake as well as the sake of the sake of their family. You and your Grandma are carrying that man. I'd set him down fast so he can re-build his own leg muscles.

Those health issues he's experiencing might also be an expression of his anxiety because he knows deep down he's not pulling his weight. RKOGirl - was he always like this (lazy & mean?) -- or did he become overwhelmed, not knowing how to cope with someone he loves experiencing cancer. A counselor might be able to help the two of you figure out the root cause of his behavior, help him develop some new coping skills or better behavior choices, and ultimately re-balance the workload and emotional support given/received in the relationship.

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I don't know what infuriates me more, his pathetic and unexcusable behavior or those on here making excuses and rationalizations for his behavior.

Do you really care what his miserable excuse may be for his behavior or need a counselor to figure it out? Don't waste your money, it's obvious he's just a narcicistic moron who only cares about himself.

Please be smart and kick him to the curb where he belongs. Your dreams is your unconscious trying to work through issues. It's obvious you would be happier, and better off in general, if you were with someone else. Don't waste any more precious time making a decision, you already know the answer. This isn't the kind of example you want for your kids and I'm so sorry that you had to go through this especially during and after treatment, If he wasnt able to be there for you when you needed him most he never will be.

God bless your grandmother! Let him go figure it out on his own where he belongs and don't let him or his family guilt you into anything different.

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I completly understand where you are coming from my husband has said and done the same things to me. Then only to find out he is having an emotinal affair behind my back. We are trying to work it out...because we both still love each other and have 2 children. Also because I know that the likelyhood of how long i will live with stage 4b cancer. I dont want to put my children thru a seperation/ divorce on top of everything else. He refusses to get consoling or depression meds. Which i think he needs both. I also know that i make excusses for my husband but i try to put myself in his shoes. My husband has high blood pressure and takes med for it he also has a full time job so he isnt lazy but he doesn't help around the house so i can understand that. Only you can decide what is the best choice for you. We had to have a long talk with lots of yelling screaming and crying before we figured out what to do. I hope this helps although i feel like all i did was blahblah about my problems. If you need to talk any time is good. -Amanda

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I absolutely could NOT agree more with Dragonfly123....I too find myself being infuriated at his action/behavior and the fact that some could find ways and reasonings to rationalize it. I would NOT be in a non supportive relationship. PERIOD!! That being said.............

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Oh and Erica...you have my # so call me when you need to talk...........I am here for you hon!

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Your attitude through this whole ordeal has been amazing, and you certainly deserve better! You set a great example of resilience and optimism, but it sounds as if he's going in a completely opposite direction. As for his dissing you and making you feel bad - I would guess that comes from him feeling crappy about HIMSELF. Try not to let it get to you. And yes, thank goodness for your grandmother!

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Vent away, my dear. It feels good to do it!

Your husband sounds a lot like my ex husband. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I was married for 5 years when i finally decided to leave my husband. My kids were 3 and 5 when I did. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do and didn't really have the support of my family at the time (extremely traditional chinese family) but it was the best thing that I could do for my kids and myself. He didn't respect me, didn't take care of the kids (only sees them once every couple of months now and does not pay child support), and couldn't hold a job for the last year of our marriage. He would rather collect unemployment insurance than find a job.

We too would end up in fights because I didn't have the energy to have sex. Let me tell you, you DO NOT deserve that. Don't make the mistake that many people make and stay together "for the kids" because it may be better for the kids if you weren't together. The main reason I left was because I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that was what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. They deserve better and you deserve better. It will be hard, and taking that first step is the hardest step but stay strong.

My advice to you would be to put it all out on the table. It might be easier doing it with a marriage counsellor present. It makes it easier to talk without being interrupted and easier to make yourself be heard. Tell him how you truly feel without worrying about repercussions and tell him things HAVE to change or you're kicking him out. Maybe that will be the swift kick in the ass and taste of reality that he needs to wake up and get his act together. And if he doesn't, then at least you didn't waste more years of your life and your childrens' lives before you figured it out.

Message me if you want to chat. I've been through it, I'm still dealing with it (5 years later) but I know I am much happier today than I could have ever been with him.

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Erica...I read this post last night while at work..and was so upset that I couldn't respond right away. I did email you with some private thoughts; but I will say this whatever it is that you decide to do you, stay or go, you have my support 100%..

Sending You Big Hugs (can you feel it)?
weezy

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Hi Erica,
You seem like such a sweet person and a positive person....to have someone in your life that is treating you this way is so wrong. Follow your heart...you know how precious life is when you are faced with a disease that could take it all away. You only get one chance at your life so if you are unhappy make a change.
Peoples true colors seem to become more apparent when you strip away all the crap in your life and get down to what is real...you are probably just seeing him for who he really is for the first time.
I don't know how I could have dealt with that while going through treatments. I mean I knew that my husband loved me before this all happened...but I know that he would do anything for me...and I mean it...he dropped everything and became superman all to help me.
You deserve that too....Obviously he has some good qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place....and you have been through such a stressful time....You just need to decide if you can work it out. If you have your grandmother to help you out...which it sounds like you do...then do what is best for you...you kicked cancer's butt...you don't need to put up with crap from some man!!!! You are too strong for that!

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Thank you for all of your replies!
I have been doing a lot of thinking and I told him we need to figure all of this out or we need to end the marriage before it gets worse. I have a ex husband (I was married to him for 6 years) and he was very emotional and physcial abusive to me and my oldest son, who is 13 now. I put up with his shit for 6 long dreadful years, trying to explain the bruises was the hardest part because I had to lie and that's so not me! But, I decided one day, enough is enough and it was over. Of course now, he won't pay child support or see the kids, we have 2 kids together Jay-8 and Christina-5
He last paid child support last April! That's almost a year! He last saw the kids in June.
I'm taking him back to court soon.
I will be honest, I care about my husband, but I have somehow fallen out of love with him. Not all the way, but it is getting there. Sometimes he feels more like a dad than my husband, I know that's weird,but very true.
I am going to try and get some sleep, but I wanted to thank you all for all of your support.
I'm still feeling great and doing well, I really hope all of you take care and have a wonderful evening!
Hugs,
Erica

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Erica,
I trust you will do the right thing for you. I would add that if you can't rely on your partner to support you through cancer, what can you rely on them for? It is possible that he didn't know how to deal with his emotions about your being sick, so he chose to be an ass. That tells more about his character than anything. He also is probably depressed because of his health issues. But you should absolutely NOT wait on him and baby him, because he did not do that for you. I would try counseling before giving up. But the problem is trust has been broken here and that's very hard to repair.

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RKOgirl,

There is a nice saying that touched me when I was going through a not so good marriage with my ex. It goes like this "LOVE HURTS WHEN YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER BECAUSE GOD HAD RESERVE THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU".

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When you lose respect for a man, you lose love along with it. That is what a counselor told me. Sounds to me like your husband has failed you in many ways. He wasn't there for you when you needed him. That is unforgivable. He won't pull his own load and seems happy to live off your relative. That is sorry! He doesn't care enough about you to even try to understand what you are going through, but he sure seems to know what he wants from you....sex. How selfish can you get??? So, if I were in your shoes, (and you said you cared 'some') I'd insist on asking him to go with you to a preacher who is willing to counsel you both in this marriage. (I mention a preacher only because most preachers I know are willing to counsel for free) If he refuses to go, kick him out. If he goes and acts like he is willing to try and gain your respect back, maybe you could find it in your heart to give him another chance. But this guy sounds too selfish to make the effort to be different. This guy sounds like he needs to GO. Good luck.

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I finally found out the truth, it took months to drag it out of him, so he tells me this girl he has been texting and talking to he "thought" about cheating on me because there is that 1 percent chance I could have died. I was like, wow, he seems real quick to replace me. What a ass hole!
Then, I found he placed a ad on adultfriendfinder.com looking for nsa sex, that makes me feel awesome by the way! Ugh
Then he has been going through the women seeking men personals on his blackberry.
I just don't know anymore, I am ready to end it. I thought he loved me and cared about me, I really did.
Then with all the drama with my mom and my grandma never wanting anything to do with me or the kids anymore, what good is it that I even surrived cancer? I mean really. I am just so depressed and upset over all of this.
I love my kids and that's who I'm fighting for!
Also, with my so called friends, there is just too much damn drama w them, its like high school all over again!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh! I'm just so hurt, angry and mad!!!!!!!

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