Need a few answers, please...

I really need a few answers because I am so in the dark about all of this...

Going to try and make this long story as short as possible.

I am 35 years old. I recently split up with my wife after 17 years and started dating a friend(went out with her when we were 15 for a few months) that I knew about 20 years ago and recently reconnected with. Since we knew each other from the past, albeit it was a long time we hadn't seen each other, things progressed rather quickly and we started having sexual relations right away. I have been with her now for about 3 and a half months and about a month ago she was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. About a week ago I moved in with her to help her cope with this and be there for her during treatment.

She is the type that does not want to know anything more then she has to, so I pretty much do the googling and questioning and then keep it to myself unless it is decent news. So, when she was first diagnosed, I googled and found out that HPV causes Cervical Cancer almost 100% of the time. We have had sex a lot without the use of a condom, so I questioned her on whether she knew this or not. She said that her doctor had mentioned she had that, but told her it was nothing to worry about as it was as common as the cold and everyone(male and female) has it and that is why she did not mention it as she thought nothing of it. I thought nothing of it as well after that until I have been reading here and I see many women upset about this HPV and how it is treated as "nothing" and "hush hush".

Well, during the beginning stages of my new relationship, I was also still having sex with my ex and am now scared that I may have spread the form of HPV that caused the Cervical Cancer in my girlfriend. Is this fear legitimate? Should I say something to my ex(who did not know of my newfound relationship until just this past week)?

I do not want to blow up my new relationship and also cause more stress in her life when she is going through treatment and this very rough time in her life, but at the same time I do not want to sit silently if I may have spread something bad to my ex. I understand that many that read this may think very low of me, but I please ask that you keep the moral issues aside and lend me some advice on what to do.

Thanks in advance.

By Dragonfly23
Posted October 23, 2009 at 7:21 am
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Hello Guanaco,

Glad to see how devoted you are to your girlfriend and aiding her during this difficult time as well as your integrity regarding your ex and informing her about HPV.

Yes your concern for having spread HPV to your ex is very legitimate. HPV is highly contagious but does not require sexual intercourse for transmission only skin to skin contact. Unfortunately far too many doctors are ill informed when it comes to HPV and thus jeopardize their patients. Your girlfriend should have been having regular paps and it is highly unlikely, though possible, that there would have been no sign of precancerous changes on a pap before progressing to invasive cancer.

HPV can also cause vaginal, vulvar, anal, penile cancers and is also implicated in lung, head/neck and oral/tonsillar cancers.

I would highly recommend that you inform you ex so she can take the necessary precautions and make sure she has regular pap screenings and is tested for HPV. It usually takes at least 3 months for symptoms to show up if they do at all. Your ex's immune system may also ward off the virus and while she will never get rid of it, if she's contracted the virus, it can become dormant for months, years or decades and resurface later so she will always need to be vigilant now.

I applaud you for your courage and strength and for your desire to do the right thing.

By kelbel09
Posted October 23, 2009 at 9:28 am
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dragonfly is right--doctors need to stop acting as though HPV is not anything to worry about HELLO IT CAUSES CANCER!!!! that is something to worry about

I would tell you ex she has a right to know that you could have poss given her an std that poos kill she needs to get tested and poss every 6 months or so and for the rest of her life. As far as the new girlfriend she should leave everything she can to better empower her and make good decisions as far as her own medical care goes its nice u want to help but its her body and her decisons that she has to make and live with--- Good luck god bless

By mickietucs
Posted October 23, 2009 at 10:01 am
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I just wanted to applaud you for "putting yourself out there" and posting to this site. I don't believe very many men at all would do that and also be as concerned as you are about your health as well as your ex and girlfriend. So sorry your girlfriend has cancer - you mention she doesn't want to know much but I highly encourage her (and you) to get copies of all doctor and pathology reports - it's better to be informed so you both can make decisions about what's to come. As many on this site, I am appalled at how many doctors blow this virus off - sure so many have it but more will because of attitudes like that. Every day more and more join this site and those numbers should be taken into consideration by the medical people to see how the virus is affecting SO many every day. Anyway, I am glad you took the time to research and ask questions --- hopefully whatever procedure the doctors recommend for your girlfriend will rid her of the cancer - do let us know!

By dazednconfused
Posted October 23, 2009 at 12:41 pm
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Yes, you can definitely pass it on. My soon to be ex husband did. Tell your wife to inform her ob/gyn that there's a good chance she has been exposed to high risk HPV. Looking back, I am somewhat frustrated with my doctor, because even two years ago he knew my husband had been unfaithful, yet only continued with yearly pap tests (always normal until this spring), but no HPV screening. Now that I'm more educated, mostly thanks to this site, I realize more thorough screening should have been done. If I had been tested for HPV, it might have been caught before it had progressed to high grade dysplasia.

By dazednconfused
Posted October 23, 2009 at 12:47 pm
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And just to edit what I wrote above-- I obviously think ALL obgyn's should be doing HPV testing along with paps, whether infidelity is an issue or not. However, knowing the details of my situation, which I won't go into here, I feel my screening should have been more thorough. Tell your ex wife to be proactive, in case anything should arise.

By flowershoplady
Posted October 23, 2009 at 2:37 pm
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yes, please tell your ex-wife that she needs to be extra vigilant with her gynecologic checkups. it may not be easy to tell her, but i'm sure you still care about her, since you've raised this question.....and you should keep it in mind with any other partners you have as well.

By corellin
Posted October 23, 2009 at 4:34 pm
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Guanaco -- Thank you!! for being proactive and caring about your girlfriend and also your ex-wife. Your wife does need to know she's potentially been exposed, because she may be able to take actions now to change the course of the virus.

There's lots a person can do to boost their immune system and improve the chances of clearing HPV -- mainly common sense things such as eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, get adequate rest, moderate exercise, (definitely don't smoke!), etc. There's a supplement called "papillex" which some women on the message board have recommended. I've not looked into it myself, but it supposedly has all the vitamins/minerals in one supplement that are good for clearing HPV, so your ex might want to check that out.

As for screening, it might be helpful for your ex to have an HPV test every 6 months for a few times. If HPV test is negative and pap normal two times in a row, then it's possible she was never infected -- or was infected and cleared the infection -- or perhaps the infection is latent and not active. But I would think it would be more likely she either wasn't infected or just had a "transient" virus that came and went. (Researchers disagree about whether the virus completely clears or is just suppressed by the immune system to levels below detection.)

Good luck to you, and it's going to help your ex so much to have this information. It's really important that she doesn't "freak out" and instead is just pro-active -- because maintaining a positive attitude is important to boosting the immune system and giving the body a better chance of clearing the virus.

Also -- there's always the chance that she didn't get the virus -- so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions one way or the other. Also, HPV behaves differently in different peoples' bodies, so just because your girlfriend got cancer from the virus, doesn't mean that your ex-wife will. But it's so good for her to have this information in a timely way to give her the best chance at taking actions that will keep her healthy.

By Guanaco
Posted October 23, 2009 at 7:58 pm
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Thank you very much everyone, for the replies. I will build up the courage to let my ex-wife know. I'm also assuming I have it because of the unprotected sex with my girlfriend, but I have not been tested myself(no insurance).

The little I have read on it, it seems that it is not so harmful in males, is this true or do I need to do more reading and educate myself better? Also, if I do indeed have it, and, god forbid split up with my current girlfriend, does this mean that even without a condom I might spread it to other partners through just skin contact?

I am still shocked about all that has happened the last few months. My girlfriend goes to her Gyno very faithfully to get what she needs done. She had an abnormal pap in February and had a LEEP scheduled, but missed it a couple times due to conflicts. When we started hanging out in July, she would bleed from intercourse and went back to her Gyno to get checked. He looked her over and left her saying that sometimes bleeding is normal and to not worry about it...

She was scheduled for the LEEP in mid-September, but the bleeding from intercourse had gotten worse and worse. She asked him to check her over one more time just to make sure she should go ahead with the LEEP and that is when he found a lump on her cervix and sent her to an oncologist. On October 6th, she had a couple biopsies done and the oncologist pulled me aside and one of the things he said was that he had no idea how this was missed. I didn't get into questioning it, but from the graphic explanation on what her cervix looked like and from his tone I am guessing she had the cancer for some time. Her cancer is a stage IIb and has spread around her pelvic region...I don't see how she was fine in July and then come September it had formed and spread so much...we are both so very upset...

Sorry so long, but thanks anyone who reads and replies. I am happy I found this place.

By corellin
Posted October 23, 2009 at 8:42 pm
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I am so, so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. If it's at all possible, it might be nice if they could find out what type of HPV it is -- or it least check to see if it's 16 or 18. Because, if so, there's now a vaccine to protect against infection with those types. The vaccine wouldn't help your girlfriend, but would prevent any future partners you might have from being infected. The FDA recently approved an HPV genotyping test called Cervista by Hologic company which can type for 16/18, but it's not widely available. But you could call the company to see if it's available anywhere near you.

The biggest risk to men is from oral sex and getting oral cancer (though it's rare). (HPV can be spread to different locations in the body than just the genital area -- including anus and oral cavity.) Gardasil has just been approved for men and women up to age 26, but doctors will sometimes give it off label (to people outside the age range).

Anyway -- that's one strategy. Often, the active infection will clear in 6 months to 2 years and then it's not really known whether it's still contagious or not -- but is most likely less contagious. And researchers don't know whether it's completely clear or just below levels of detection. If it's not truly cleared, but is latent, then there's a chance of it re-activating, although it's not known how common it is for this to happen. Condoms may reduce the transmission by about 50-70%, but if HPV is in areas not covered by the condom it can spread -- such as scrotum to anus.

Again, there was a paper published recently that suggested Gardasil might prevent transmission to new areas even in people who are already infected (although it can't rid you of HPV in skin cells that are already infected). That's very preliminary, so time will tell whether that turns out to be true -- or to make a significant difference for people.

Sorry there's so much about HPV that isn't known and so much uncertainty. Good luck to you. And, again, I'm so sorry to hear about your girlfriend and I wish you both the best as she's going through treatments and for her continued healing and for your strength as well in supporting her. I know this must be difficult for you both.

By Dragonfly23
Posted October 25, 2009 at 3:44 am
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It seems apparent that your girlfriend was not "fine" in July. From your post she has had issues since at least February. If doctors would convey the very real potential for significant issues from HPV instead of brushing it off as many if not most do I'm sure your girlfriend would have taken care of her "conflicts" and gotten the LEEP done. Obviously one of her doctors feels this was missed along the way.

As mentioned already yes you can still spread the virus to any new partners and would need to make them aware of that hopefully before having any intimate contact, There is no commercially available test for HPV in men. The two tests available to women are only FDA approved for the cervix which in my opinion is ridiculous. The only possibility would be to find a doctor who specializes in treating the gay population. They have more expertise in getting these tests done for their patients - not sure how but they do. You can try contacting Dr. Stephen Goldstone in NYC or Dr. Joel Palefsky in San Franscisco CA and ask if they can give you a referral

In males, HPV can be found also in the urethra so if you have any urinary tract issues I'd suggest you followup on that. Even without insurance there are clinics which can provide care you just need to be diligent in finding one.

By peachmarie
Posted October 26, 2009 at 1:42 am
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I applaud you on being so concerned and upfront about your ex . . . it's not an easy position to be in, but it's the right thing to do. You DEFINITELY should tell her - and I am telling you this from an interesting perspective. I was diagnosed with HPV when I was 25 (now I'm 43) but had crysurgery and my dr at that time told me it was nothing to worry about and it also wasn't the cancer-causing kind. My boyfriend at the time is now my husband, but since the initial diagnosis, before we were married, we both had multiple partners (but always used protection - but I also found out that condoms don't really matter, as you can get it from scrotal/skin contact, hands, and oral contact). Now I've been diagnosed with HPV 16 and high grade dysplasia. Ok, here's the weird perspective part - last year my husband had an affair. We've been working on our problems for over a year, but he still works with her. When I found out I was diagnosed (but it was a different strain than what I was diagnosed with years ago) I wondered if it could have come from her. He has actually sworn up and down that they never slept together, but they were intimate in other ways. I kept telling him that he had to tell her, but he felt very uncomfortable about it. So I wrote her an e-mail and told her to get checked - because it's pretty likely that either she gave it to me, or there is a chance should could have it from me. She was very thankful and is getting herself checked. I'm no saint, and I despise this woman with everything in me, but I would be a monster if I didn't let her know that she could be at risk for cancer.

I understand you are worried about the repercussions of telling your ex, but to save her life, it's worth it. Please tell her - you actually sound like a great, caring guy - and everyone makes mistakes (my idiot husband did, and i still love him!). Do the right thing! And I wish your girlfriend all the best, she'll be in my prayers.

By tam1
Posted October 26, 2009 at 12:50 pm
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guanaco,

I am 35 years old also. I had my first abnormal pap smear at age 26. My only son was born about a year before this. After the birth of my son, my son's father began dating someone else and was with this woman for about a year. They went their separate ways eventually because there were issues with the relationship. After this relationship ended he decides to make his way back into my life. Letting him back in was the biggest mistake of my life. Shortly after I had my first abnormal pap. For nearly a decade of my life I have been through multiple surgeries for persistent CIS of the cervix which is the step just before invasive cervical cancer. Now I am scheduled for a hysterectomy which will end my fertility forever. It has devastated my life. A hysterectomy is not a permanent cure for some women from this virus.

I have lost the dream of having a second child and have lost myself in the process. I am 100% positive this woman was carrying a high risk hpv strain that was passed from my ex then to me. I had not been with anyone else. If I had known about this I would be fine today. Anyway I can't believe I just spilled all this personal information on the internet but just felt compelled to share because this virus is totally devastating for some women.

I don't think low of you at all and I think you should be commended for coming forward and caring about your ex-wife's future and health!

Welcome to Inspire!

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