My relationship is going down hill fast

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. This is our second time being in a realtionship together, we dated about 3 years ago. We moved a little faster this time around and moved in together after about 9 months. I have always been very open about my medical problems with my boyfriend and he always seemed to understand and be very supportive of me. I thought when we moved in together we were working toward the same thing (getting married and having one child). The last pap I had came back at moderate for abnormal cells so the doctor said we should do a biopsy so I went in and had a biopsy and then when that came back we decided that I needed to have a leep. When the results came back from my leep it came back as CIN3 carcinoma in Situ. He came with me to talk to the doctor about what should be my (our) next step. After that appointment we talked about what she had said about not waiting too long to have kids and the sooner the better, he just shut down. Now he is saying he doesnt know what he wants and he cant give me a time frame and I dont know what to say or do. I truly love him he is the best man I have ever met but I have always wanted nothing more then to be a mom and wife. I dont know what to do. I was just hoping that someone who might read this has gone through this or can just give me some sort of advice.. thank you in advance for any help or spport you have to offer!

By pepsicolarocks
Posted July 2, 2009 at 12:14 am
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Szongo,

The best advice I can give you is to not push things. You admitted, yourself, that things had already been moving a little too fast in this relationship, prior to this happening and it's only fair that you now give your boyfriend the time he needs to try and process everything that is going on right now, lest scare him away, altogether!

Having a child is a huge committment and no one, including yourself, should ever have to feel pressured into making this decision if they're not personally ready. I'm sure he probably felt cornered in that doctor's office. You have to remember that there is a whole lot of psychology that comes into play here and the best thing you can do right now is give him his space. Otherwise, he may resent you later. If I were you, I would sit him down and apologize for making him feel cornered and pressured and let him know how much it means to you that when and if the two of you do decide to have children together, that you do it for all of the right reasons and then let him be the one to bring it up next.

As unfortunate as the circumstances may be, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Try and take some comfort in this and just trust that everything will work out for the greater good.

You didn't mention whether or not your margins were clear after your LEEP, but I'm assuming they weren't based on what you said about your "next step".

Right now, the only thing you should be focusing on is getting well; nothing else! Because if you're not healthy, you're not going to be able to have a healthy pregnancy, anyway. One step at a time. I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I'm not going to lie to you.

I wish you both the best of luck!!

By foxy_lady
Posted July 2, 2009 at 8:12 am
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Hey there---

So sorry to hear about your relationship. I agree with pepsicola rocks. Take your time. Guys are odd birds and if they feel the slightest uncomfortable moment, then freeze up and only focus on that particular thing.

Just give it some time and get healthy. Don't stress yourself out because then you will lose sleep and your appetite will change and you won't be focused.

Take care.

By jamiegirl
Posted July 2, 2009 at 8:26 am
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Excellent advice from Pepsicolarocks! If he truly loves you and you are meant to be together, it will work out. You can't force something that is not right or it will come back at you in the future. Good luck!

By flowershoplady
Posted July 2, 2009 at 3:17 pm
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well, i'm going to offer feedback with a different slant than the responses above. i think that there are men who don't want to commit, or they're not 'ready' to commit....and there's nothing you can do to make them ready. people don't change unless they want to change. i'd be concerned about being in a relationship with a man who says he doesn't know what he wants when you do know what you want. and, there's a difference in whether he's hesitating about the child or hesitating about marriage. and hesitation with a not right now is different than a response of not right now, and let's wait x months or a year, or whatever. will you be having this same conversation in a year, in 2 years, in 3? what do you want? you may want him....but if he doesn't want the same things as you do, do you still really want him? do you feel comfortable with not knowing if he wants the same thing that you do? with him not knowing what he wants?

as for your current health, did your margins not come back clear? with a leep, even with unclear margins, sometimes you can still end up with being clear of dysplasia. i hope that's the case for you. i think you should ask the doctor more about your prognosis and why he's pushing you to have children sooner rather than later. does he not feel like he's removed all the dysplasia? have you seen a gynecologic oncologist?

i would encourage you to focus on yourself and your health and what's best for you, with your health, and with your life.

By Bymyside247
Posted July 2, 2009 at 4:23 pm
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Well, why did you guys break up before? Obviously there was something amis, yes? How old is he? How old are you? Relationships are hard! They are harder when one person isn't talking; you are then left to assumptions and quite often our assumptions can lead us down the wrong path. You are going to have to sit down and talk with him; it is a must at this time.

You said "He came with me to talk to the doctor about what should be my (our) next step." What is the doctor saying is your "next step"? Maybe your medical condition is scaring him. Maybe he is scared that if you guys have a child together you may leave them behind and he will be raising a child w/o a mother. A woman's anatomy and medical conditions are quite diverse and complicated, especially to men who, generally speaking, are not very educated on all this. This can be all very overwhelming and scary for him, who knows? Do you see what I am saying about assumptions? I have no clue what he can be thinking. Sitting down and talking W/O making him feel pressured to have a child, but asking him why having a child right now is not an option for him and why marriage is somethinig he wants to hold off on is VERY IMPORTANT. It is only fair or right that he tells you. If he doesn't want to talk about it, I am leaning towards what flowershoplady said, and that is, that it sounds like he is simply afraid of committment and you need to look at you relationship.

Relationships are so difficult for outsiders to give much advice on when they only know a few details. most likely, you know in your heart what is going on. Back-track; what are his behaviors before this last appointment?

I wish I could be of more help, but giving the circumstances that I only know you are facing some medical decisions, you broke up one time before, and now you have rekindled the relationship & moved forward in it very quickly, I can only give vague advice. If it was known why you broke up before, how long you were broke up, your ages, even knowing occupations (I know that may sound strange, but as a psychology major, I know that it matters), if he has any other children, etc., would make advice giving a bit easier.

Anyhow, I hope all turns out well, please focus more on you rhealth right now, as hard as that may sound. :o) But your health is so precious, do not let it suffer due to an emotionally tense moment in your relationship.

Would you let us know how everything turns out, medically and relationally?

Best wishes to you :o)

By szongo
Posted July 5, 2009 at 10:51 am
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Thank you all for your help. I think I have a lot of thinking to do. I just wanted to clearafy some things so you all dont think Im a dumb girl trying to change a man... (i know girls like that and hate them) 1. When we were together last time we broke up cause he worked for a moving company and was ALWAYS gone it was like having a long distance relationship. We were broken up for about 2 years and ran into one another at a mutural friends b-day party, and just took off from there, it was like we never broke up! We have tons of fun and we get a long well (minus the last few weeks). 2. He is not soo much dodgeing the wedding question its more the children. He talks about like when we have kids or if he sees a bad kid hell say our kid will never act like that, he is just really avoding the let make our 5 year plan 3 years. He is 26 and I am 25 and I felt like I was ready before all of my medical stuff came up, but now I feel like we should do this parenting thing sooner. He says that we are not ready financialy to have a child and I say who is. 3. My doctor said she wants me to do it sooner then late since you never know with CIN3 if it will turn or get better or go away. As for all of you asking about my margins, I dont remeber what she said about them, I was kind of in shock form everything...I asked my boyfriend what she said about it and he does not think that she said if they were clear or not. I will deff call and ask more questions soon!
Again, I just want to thank all of you who had replys for me it was very helpful. If me giving more infor helps at all to come up with new thoughts or ideas please let me know! I hope you all had a safe and happy Fourth of July. God bless!

By Dragonfly23
Posted July 6, 2009 at 8:20 pm
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Under no circumstances do I believe that you owe this man an apology for anything! If anything, he is showing you the kind of man he REALLY is. Is he stepping up to the plate for you in this situation, it doesn't seem that way. I agree with FSL and BMS. I'm sorry to say that under the circumstances of what YOU are going through I have no sympathy for this guy feeling pressured or cornered, he needs to grow up and deal with reality not stick his head in the sand like an ostrich. Sure people need time to adjust to things but often life doesn't provide the luxury of such time. Decisions have to be made, procedures have to be scheduled and before you run off and have a hysterectomy, be aware of a procedure called a trachelectomy which can preserve a woman's fertility even with a diagnosis of CIN3 or even advanced adenocarcinoma of the cervix.

Temporarily shutting down is one thing but suddenly being unable to give you any answers is quite another. In my opinion he is showing you who he is. The question is, and especially given your potential future health issues, is this someone you feel you can rely upon going forward to be there for you no matter what the outcome of your results or is he going to leave you psychologically alone to deal with it all.

Scare him away? If I received this type of reaction I'd be showing the guy the door not worrying about scaring him away! Obviously he isn't mature enough to handle these issues and based on what you've said you really have no idea if or when he ever will be. Meantime you have medical issues to attend to and cannot and should not have the added stress which he is imposing on you during this difficult time.

By pepsicolarocks
Posted July 7, 2009 at 2:07 am
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Yeah, that's a great idea.... just go ahead and ditch the guy for being human!! That'll solve all of your problems.

From what you said, it sounds to me like this guy is totally committed to you, as well as to your relationship and is in it for the long haul.

All of a sudden, though, things have shifted and the five year plan you had once mutually agreed upon is no longer acceptable to you, which is totally understandable, by the way, but I just feel like this guy isn't getting a fair shake.

This is a decision that only you can make. Here are a few questions I would ask myself: 1) Do I love this person? 2) Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? 3) Does this person truly make me happy? 4) Do I trust this person? If you answered "YES" to all of these questions, nothing else is going to matter. Follow your heart!

By mobilis
Posted July 7, 2009 at 4:32 am
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I had a five year plan with my ex. When the five years were up he decided he still wasn't ready and we broke up. A year later he had married someone else and she was pregnant.

It might be too late for me.

By angelduck
Posted July 8, 2009 at 7:24 pm
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Pepsicolarocks,

This HPV boards purpose is to provide support and help educate others. There may be times when we disagree with the opinions of others and hopefully would be mature enough to accept that. (Excluding correcting erroneous information of course). I realize you are relatively new, but sarcasm, and attacking someone elses opinion really detracts from our purpose here, creates a negative environment, and diverts attention from the real issue - helping people with HPV. Perhaps you would keep this in mind with your future posts.

By pepsicolarocks
Posted July 8, 2009 at 11:41 pm
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angelduck,

While I'm very sorry that you don't approve of my response, I don't believe this is the proper place to discuss it. Please feel free to send me a private message anytime you wish, though.

By flowershoplady
Posted July 8, 2009 at 11:52 pm
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i agree with you, pepsi. let's stay on topic to the original posting...she asked for advice and feedback, and that's what people have provided. and, it's going to vary from person to person. i don't see anybody posting anything offensive or negative here. that's my two cents!

By szongo
Posted July 10, 2009 at 12:30 am
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Pepsicolarocks I just would like to thank you and well everyone who took time out of your day to help me with my problem. It was very nice to hear other peoples inputs. As all of you probably know your mind goes in all directions when it comes to getting this kind of news. Every day seems to get a little better for me and I think my boyfriend is getting better to. We sat down and talked and I think we will be ok. I mean its all in gods hands at this point. I have always been a strong beliver in things happen for a reason and if Im not ment to have kids maybe this is gods way of telling me that.
Back to my reason for this reply I just wanted to say that I really think Pepsicolarocks had no intention of being mean and really it was that reply that made me think my situation out in a diffrent light. So thank you, your point of view was very helpful. (as was everyones) If anyone has any more view points I can always use th help. Thank you all, and god bless!

By larsmonty
Posted July 10, 2009 at 10:25 am
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OK, I wil try and be sensitive. I think you need to put yourself first, especially seeing you have no kids yet, it seem like the perfect time to do it. I don't know how old you are but can't it wait 6 months or a year? You needto be healthy to look after children in the future. I understand you really want to have kids. Your realtionship may be fine. He just may not be the person to rely on. Do you have any close friends or someone else you could talk to? I have found my husband and last boyfriend to be a bit apathetic about talking about any cervical cancer stuff. And they are nice guys. They may see it as a small thing, like a small skin cancer or something. Do something fun and don;' think about it for a week and see how you feel about it then. Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn't want to have much to do with it, which is pretty common. My unprofessional advice is deal with the cells & yourself first and then if your relationship is still happy and healthy after that or in a year or two then bring up the children thing then. That's just my (one person's) advice. Keep reading this site, there are some gerat discussion and much better communications than you may get from your partner. But don't break up. If he's a nice guy...he's a nice guy. It would be better if he was more supportive but noone is perfect. Be selfish, get yourself treated, heal and then think about kids in a few months. Good luck.

By pepsicolarocks
Posted July 10, 2009 at 6:51 pm
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Szongo,

YEAHHHH!!! I'm so happy to learn that you didn't make any drastic decisions regarding your relationship and that the two of you were finally able to sit down and talk; communication is key.

One of the worst things about having this virus, is how unpredictable it can sometimes be. Our lives are suddenly being taken over and the next thing you know, we're virtually having to plan everything we do around it. I would not give up hope on having children just yet, though. Go to a Gyn Oncologist and get a second opinion. Also, I have found prayer to be a very powerful thing. It won't always change things, but it will, at least, change the way we look at them. Best of wishes to both of you!!

By Bymyside247
Posted July 11, 2009 at 12:24 am
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szongo: I am so pleased to hear that you two were able to sit down and talk! This is fabulous! You know.....................in the end, you are the only one who knows the love you two share; how you come together in times of trouble; and so on. I think I said in my original reply something about you knowing in your heart what his intentions are.

We ladies have all walked so many different paths throughout our lives and we have so many fabulous opportunities to share our experiences as well as learn from so many other's experiences; what an unspeakable blessing! :o)

Communication is so crazy important in a relationship, it is like building a house upon a rock. Keep it up! :o) I am so happy for you :o)

God Bless

By marsha123
Posted July 11, 2009 at 11:11 am
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Sometimes posts that appear to be nagative are just realistic. I believe the person who reacted strongly to the boyfriends inability to commit was responding to her own past circumstances and life story, and letting the person with the question draw her own inferences. I think she was the one who was unfairly attacked for saying what she objectively saw in the relationship, when the young woman (who was admittedly "in love" ) wasn't able to see clearly because of emotional attachment.

We slightly older women have different stories which I think need to be heard. In my situation, my ex left me after 33 years of marriage when I happened to get sick with a bad depressive episode that corresponded with menopause. While this was occuring, my girlfriend's husband left her also when she got sick with a brain tumor. I saw firsthand how sometimes men don't want to face unpleasant reality, or accept weighty responsibility, especially when it forces them to come face to face with their mortality, or when it affects their "lifestyle". My perception is that this boyfriend is not mature enough to start a family, and is high risk since I agree with the person whose post stated her guy left her becasue he didn't want kids, then turned around and married a woman who then got pregnant. I've seen that happen also.

I don't believe our posts should or need to candy-coat our experiences. Cancer or potential cancer is a sombering, serious topic and we need to hear and accept ALL viewpoints, even the ones that appear at first glance to be excessively harsh. The most truth may be found in these posts. M

By Jodi_ayn
Posted July 12, 2009 at 4:17 pm
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Szongo,

I just have a couple quick opinions to add after skimming through some of the other comments.

Don't ever count on anyone else to make you happy...it'll never happen! You are the only one who can make you happy. If someone else brings you happiness, then that is a bonus. I agree with most of pepsicolarocks' comments, except for you to ask yourself if your boyfriend truly makes you happy. There will be many many times when you are unhappy in a relationship and it's a dangerous question to think that you'll find true happiness from another person.

There are many ways to have children. I had to have a hysterectomy in 2002 for cervical cancer. After I healed, I wanted a child, so I adopted an 11 month old from Russia in 2007. He is the sweetest baby ever!

Don't ever think (not that you said this...but I have tried this before!) that having a child with your boyfriend/husband will get him to more fully commit. For a person who doesn't want to commit, it ends up being temporary and in the end, that bandaid gets ripped off. I totally agree with Marsha123!!!

When you have cancer, some people really can't handle it and begin to pull away from you....even husbands! Count on your emotional support from your close (positive and upbeat, but real) girlfriends. In my experience, a boyfriend/husband will need his own outlet and support for himself and can not fill that need for you.

Best wishes and God bless you!
Jodi

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