my girl lied about hpv, love/realtionship advice

First this is my first post, and i have to say i am nervous. About 1 year and 2 months ago i met a great girl who i was really interested in. we started dating and about 3-4 weeks in we start having sex with condoms, and my previous relationship was a shady girl whered we never use condoms. So i told her look i know we use condoms, and i know we both hate, lets go get STD tests done and take it from there. I go get mine done and everything comes back the same, and she said hers came back negitive also. So we stop using condoms and about 6 months in she calls and tells me she has hpv, and i freak out inmy head thinking i gave it to her. So i go to her house and we talk about it( keep in mind we each have only slept with two people) and i ask her if she has ever had a wart or anything, and she says no. and i ask her who she told and all the questions that i think i have the right to ask, so i told her look we will get through this and come out good, about 3 months later i get an e-mail from a random person, no name or anything, saying you better get checked out your girl has an STD. I flew off the handle i asked her if she had know before, and she said she did.....................................................1 year before me.

I go to her house pissed off yelling, turns out she had had one wart, and she had know for a whole year, and i was so mad, she didnt even go get an std test done. She said she was scared that she would lose me, which i feel is a form of entrapment. So we break up for a couple days but then i realize i love this girl and that she made a mistake. about one month later, i completely lose it and break up with her again over it, we were not together for a 2 months, and then i realized i loved her. that was about 4 months ago, when she told me she had it, i had asked if she had had sex in her car and she said not, but then i ask he 2 weeks ago the same questions and she said yes, is this girl a complete liar or am i just going overboard with what i wanna know. I peg her now as being a liar and doubt everything she says. my moods change from being happy living in the moment to i hate life. I forgot to mention that she had told her mom, grandparnts all her cousins, and everyone before me, so i was walking into a big trap with this girl. I love her, and i wanna stop thinking about her getting and std from teh guy in her car, but how do i make myself stop thinking about this stuff. I am awaiting test results to see if i have hpv, ive never had a wart or anything. I just feel lonely and depressed. Please help what would you do.

By kalalor
Posted October 12, 2009 at 8:46 am
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Hi Matt,

I feel for what you are going through. That is really a tough situation. Feeling entrapped and lied to is never a good feeling, especially about something so serious. Currently, this is not a way to test for HPV in men. However, if you use condoms with future partners it can minimize the spread. It's a hard, moral question for many of us on here. To be with future partners is scary because you feel the need to tell them about HPV, but at the same time...you might feel like it would be easier to stay away from others.

I'm sorry that you're experiencing all of this. Please, keep posting...it's a great way to vent and receive support.

-Kristi

By Nurkao
Posted October 12, 2009 at 8:48 am
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Hi, Chemistmatt422:
You don't live too far from me in Northern California & you are young enough to be my son if not my grandson!
I don't know that I have any advice for you because I have never been in your situation. It sounds like you really love this girl but if you don't know if she is lying or not, I think I would dump her.
Both my kids, who are 28 & 30 years old, have gone through a divorce. My son took his ex back 2 times before he finally decided to end the marriage. I can tell you boht my kids have suffered a lot of stress because of the wrong choices in their first relationships. But in both my son & daughter's cases there were children involved.
If you are having trouble now in the relationship, is it worth the stress of staying in relationship? You are the one that has to decide what to do.
You will be in my thoughts & prayers.

By Happymood
Posted October 12, 2009 at 12:20 pm
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Dear Chemistmatt 422,
I read your situation, and would like to give you some motherly advice. Lies destroy!! You can not imagine how devastating lies can be to a relationship. Once you catch someone in a lie, a really troubling lie that affects your basic health, this is something that you never really can get away from. You can forgive, but you really can't escape the doubts you will have about this girl. She did it once....and that once was devastating to you, and she could do it again. I advise you to drop her and move on to a more honest relationship. By NOT telling you the truth, this girl not only used trickery, but she couldn't have loved you like you deserve IF she was willing to jeopardize your health to keep from losing you. Sounds extremely selfish of her, in my opinion. There are plenty other girls out there who will be understanding and honest. This is the way I look at it.....even the good Lord knew that lies were bad.....because one of His commandments is "thou shalt not bear false witness!!" so think about that. Lies WILL destroy trust. Good luck on your next relationship, and hopefully it won't be based on a lie.

By LILMAMA09
Posted October 12, 2009 at 12:21 pm
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Hey,
Matt, HPV is a very hard topic to talk about to your partner but you need to sit down and talk to her and let her know that you did not appreciate the way that she handle the situation. This is a very dangerous game she is playing, in future reference, if you and a woman mutual decide to get STD test, you should review each other test results if it real love or if there is nothing to hide. HPV, can be dormant so maybe her Pap Smear came back normal. HPV is very contagious, it is just some people immune fights the infection from HPV while others do not. If you are confused about her, do this: write down all the positive things about her and all the negative and she which one is greater and take it from there.
The reason she probably lied to you because she did not want to feel the rejection from you, which I am not justifying that she was right for lying to you. She needs to be upfront with you, because either you are going to be there or you are not going to be there, it is your choice not hers. So, she can not make you do anything, you have to be willing. When she goes to the doctor, she if you can accompany her so that you too can learn about HPV. Let me you something, telling someone that you have HPV and that person rejects you, it is very heart breaking and it make you feel like nothing, ugly, and dirty. So, take it from a woman that has HPV and has been rejected. YOu must always communicate with your partner.
I have been in a relationship for like 3 years and sometimes I say to myself I we break up. I am not going to deal with other man because I am so scared that I am going to affect other man, that is heavy on my mind. Read the ladies responses and you can get an idea of what we have to go through with HPV. Thanks Matt for sharing with us, encourage, inform, and educate!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

By PJ2
Posted October 12, 2009 at 8:42 pm
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Matt -

To start off, please do not fly off the handle at her, as so much bad information exists out there about HPV, chances are she probably thought she had been treated and it was gone, as that is a common misperception.

Many doctors will tell you that once a woman's Pap test returns to normal or if she has warts and had them removed that HPV is gone. However, many of us know better and have learned from the experts that HPV never leaves the body, it simply goes dormant. Yet, some ignorant doctors (many in fact) will say that the infection is gone, which is entirely false.

Next, chances are you both brought HPV to the party and infected each other different strains, as not all strains produce warts. There are over 100 strains of HPV and a handful lead to precancerous conditions that require them be surgically removed. These are not the same strains that cause warts, thus if you never had warts, chances are you may not be aware you have or have had HPV.

Not to mention, there are 6.2 million new HPV infections every year. More than 70 percent of all sexually active people (men and women) have or have had HPV at some point, active or not.

Finally, the person who anonymously emailed you is horribly immature, this person is exactly the kind of person that perpetuates the stigma associated with HPV and leads to people to feel less open and able to discuss HPV with they partner before having sex. It suounds like who ever told you was doing it to be malicious and hurtful and it worked.

The thing is, when people get diagnosed with HPV or a partner gets it, people tend to lose all sense of what needs to be done and instead place blame.

I got HPV from a cheating fiance, who I took back after several months of working through issues. Did I blame him for giving e this hideous disease - yes - but at the same time, I accepted culpability for what had happened, as people are not without fault make mistakes and nobody wants to tell another person they have or have had an STD.

I quickly realized that I was not a saint and had sex prior to him, although I had never contracted anything, chances are I could have had HPV before we ever got together. It could have been a week, month, year or many years before him I contracted it and by shear luck of having sex with him and being stressed out and in college, my immune system in its weakened state allowed the HPV to not only become active, but experience an increased viral load over the course of our relationship.

The thing is, HPV happens and tyo many of us. Placing blame and yelling never solves anything and in the end, you are both left with HPV as a parting gift. Really, it is up to you whether or not you love her enough top get past this and accept her as she is and support her should she require additional treatment.

But, searching for someone to blame never brings anythiong good with it. It leaves you bitter, untrusting and frustrated...which is never good and will only lead to issues down the road in future relationships. I am not saying get over it, but sometimes part of growing up is learning to handle this situation like an adult.

When I got it, I was 22 and ended up with HPV and contracted cancer at 26 (two years after my relationship imploded). I was alone, scared and shamed by what happened. To me, part of being one less is being one less person to scar another over this disease. We beat ourselves up enouigh over it. Support, truth and education is really the only path forward, but only you can decide if that is how you want to handle it.

Anyway, now that I have rambled on, I will get off my soapbox. I hope all works out for you both and that you have no future issues with HPV.

Take care,

PJ

By Nurkao
Posted October 13, 2009 at 10:58 am
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Wow! I am so glad to be a part of such a wonderful group that can give this young man such caring advice about this relationship. Keep up the good support you all out there! We need it.

By corellin
Posted October 13, 2009 at 11:14 am
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Hi -- I cannot really add to the wonderful relationship advice you've gotten already, but I want to add that there is a vaccine now (Gardasil) that protects against infection with the two HPV types (6 & 11) that cause 90% of genital warts and against (16 & 18) that cause 70% of cervical cancer. So if you're concerned about the impact to a future partner, it's possible for her to get this vaccine prior to sex -- though it's very pricey at $350-$400 for all three required shots and it takes 6 months from 1st shot to last shot to be fully protected. This vaccine is currently approved for women up until age 26 and the FDA is reviewing whether or not to approve it for men. If it is approved for men, it might be something for you to look into getting for yourself, since it's unlikely you've already been infected with all 4 vaccine types. I wish you all the best, and I agree 100% with what PJ wrote about the emotions of HPV and not assigning blame.

One thing also to know, is that you can reduce your future risk of acquiring an additional HPV strain by using condoms. Although condoms do not cover all areas that may have HPV and can't prevent the spread 100%, they can reduce your risk by about 50-70%.

As PJ said -- HPV is very common because, unfortunately, most people haven't known about it and none of us have been told how we can reduce the spread and doctors tell us it's no big deal and we don't need to tell partners. So it spreads and spreads. And usually it's not a big deal because it clears up on its own, but to the many women who develop abnormal pap smears from the high risk HPV types, it is a big deal, because it can require surgery to prevent it from progressing to cancer -- and I'm estimating about 1 in 10 women will require such a procedure in their lifetime. That's why I think we all need to do our part to educate ourselves and others and try to prevent the spread, while not assigning blame and while understanding that this is a highly infectious and common disease, and we need to work together to reduce the harm it causes to men and women alike -- but especially to women, who are most affected biologically.

By chemistmatt422
Posted October 18, 2009 at 8:24 pm
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thank you very much for you input, i am having a very very ver yv very very hard time dealing with this, thank you for the support

-Matt

By sparkles1234
Posted October 19, 2009 at 10:17 am
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As mentioned above, Corellin stated that Gardasil is very pricey. Try checking around with Planned Parenthood, Community Mental Health or the Department of Human Services. I am fortunate in my state that DHS provided me with the vaccinations for about $15.00/shot. My GYN actually recommended going there because my insurance didn't cover it.

Welcome to Inspire!

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