Hey guys this is my second post. I am having a real hard time dealing with my wife that was diagnosed with HPV about 2 years ago. SHe had a fling with a guy before me that really bothers me, they just hooked up and did there thing. Now she is stuck with the problem. The doctors had just done a brand new test on me, which involve swapping by buthole with a quetip, and sending it to the lab, Which came back negitive for HPV in me. She lied about having hpv before i knew. MY wife told all her friends and family before she was involved with me. I have a really hard time being around them, knowing that my wife has HPV, and they knew before I did. HEr friends even told her to lie about it to me, before someone unknown told me. I am having a real hard time dealing with the friends and family that know. Not to mention all the people that have told people that have told people through the grape vine. I want to get an understanding of what you guys think as to how i should go about being around her family and friends even though her own mom told her to lie to me. I feel very uncomfortable around her own family and everyone that knows. Does anyone has a similar stituation or have any advice?
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life after HPV
- By chemistmatt422
- Posted October 19, 2009 at 1:13 am · 7 replies
- In Fighting the stigma of STI cancers
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- By Dragonfly23
- Posted October 19, 2009 at 9:36 am
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Hello Chemistmatt,
I'm sorry you're having to deal with these issues.
My first response when you said her family and friends knew before she met you was that this was no big surprise to me. Why wouldn't she tell her family or friends. Perhaps I'm not understanding correcty but why would you think you would be the first to know if she hadn't even met you yet?
The part that is very disturbing to me is all these people telling her to lie, and her doing so. Are you sure this is the case? Have you confronted your wife about the lying? If this is indeed the case you have every right to be upset. Having had HPV for over two decades it certainly isn't something i had relished telling anyone but to keep such an important piece of information a secret and expose you to a virus that perhaps you didn't want to be exposed to is horrible. Unfortunately there are many individuals who are not very responsible and do just that. Sometimes they do not know they have HPV and so those people I cannot fault but for those who are totally aware it is reprehensible.
You also seem very upset over this fling. Were you aware of this before you married or was this kept hidden as well? If you knew it's something you're just going to have to deal with although i can understand your anger towards this individual for having given your wife HPV. Not to defend him but he may not have known either, most men don't because they don't have symptoms.
Of course it would be understandable to be uncomfortable because her family knows she lied but i can't understand your upsetment because they knew before you, i find that perfectly understandable as i've said.
I think you need to have a long tlak with your wife and see if things are salvagable at this point. You certainly can't go on living like this.
- By mommy2four
- Posted October 19, 2009 at 9:39 am
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I would educate yourself as best you can on HPV. Just because you test negative for it does not mean you do not have it....it can lay dormant for years before showing any symptoms - some may have it and NEVER have any problems - one does not know! I can understand some women not wanting to be honest about HPV - I believe 80% of women do have it and she could have been scared you would run the other way if she told you up front..... not sure how going into a marriage w/o being open & honest. I wish you the best and do hope you will continue to work on your marriage & keep it strong... plenty of people live with HPV - it is not as taboo as you may read about.
- By meliza4
- Posted October 19, 2009 at 10:37 am
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chemistmatt422-I'm sorry that you're going through all this as well as your wife...i don't care who you are, nobody should have to face living w/ hpv. i got hpv 3 yrs ago from an ex that i was head over heels in love w/. he dumped me and left me w/ this horrible virus. i didn't know i had it until this yr since my dr. never explained why my pap smears kept coming back abnormal. it wasn't until it turned into dysplasia and i had pre-cancerous cells that i started to research this condition on my own. during this time, i started dating a nice guy that even though we're broken up now, we're still friends. I felt TERRIBLE that i may have given him this virus unknowingly, but he's been great and understood. It's been over a year and he's fine, i'm still battling the hpv. so now i have to figure out how to move on.
i have been terrified about getting into a new relationship and having to tell the guy that i have this. I could never lie about it or hide it! i really think that's irresponsible and immoral actually since you're spreading the disease throughout the population. I haven't told my family, only some girlfriends just to advise them on staying healthy and educating them. I did have one girl tell me not to say anything to guys i'm dating. i found that reprehensible!
I know you're upset about this and have every right to be so if she did indeed lie about this or hide it from you. but i would talk to her first to make sure she understood what she was doing, and understands the impacts this virus has on people.
If she understood her actions but still did not feel like telling you, then it may be that you have other issues in your marriage regarding honesty and trust, and the hpv is not the real issue. you may want to see a marriage counselor to sort all this out. the more you let it fester inside, the worse it will be!
good luck!
- By mommy2four
- Posted October 19, 2009 at 10:54 am
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I'm confused - your first post you talk about your girlfriend and now your wife - when did you all get married?
- By chemistmatt422
- Posted October 19, 2009 at 7:51 pm
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UPDATE****** were Engaged!!!! wife is just easier to type
- By flowershoplady
- Posted October 19, 2009 at 8:51 pm
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i would encourage the two of you to get counseling....trust is essential for a relationship to work!
- By angeleyesroses44
- Posted October 19, 2009 at 9:47 pm
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Chemistmatt422 -
In my mind you basically have a few things to ask yourself.
1. Can you live a healthy and fantastic with your fiance/wife even though this has come up?
2. Even though her family told her to lie about her HPV, can you forgive them for not disclosing the information to you?
3. Can you stand by your fiance/wife through anything, any treatments, any cancers, any hardships?
4. Do you love your fiance/wife unconditionally?
5. Is this snaggle making you question whether or not you want to marry her now?
If you answered no to any of the first 4 and yes to the 5th question then you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with your fiance. BUT, if you said yes to the first 4 and no to the 5th question then you need to put this hurdle out of your mind and grow from it together.
I also agree with flowershoplady that you two may want to start getting some counseling if this is really going to hurt your relationship.
Also, how does she know she got HPV from this guy? There really is no test to determine a guy has it and so she could have been born with HPV and it lay dormint until just before she met you. You never actually know considering 80% of the female population has it and has no signs of it. Just remember that also.
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