Here's my story...Please help

Hey everyone...I've been contemplating this for a while, whether to post or not, but I've finally built up the courage to do so. I guess I'm just going to start. Since I was 19 or so I've been having Pap smears every 6 months. I just had a Pap smear this April and I was HPV negative. (I've never had an STD ever, so this wasn't a surprise). However, I just began grad. school and to get more birth control I had to have another Pap. It turned out that this Oct. I was diagnosed with high-risk HPV. I had a colposcopy 2 weeks later and it revealed a tiny spot that the Dr. believed to be mild dysplasia...However, the results from the pathologist revealed that I have moderate dysplasia. How is it possible that I have moderate, when it wasn't even detectable in April? I had another colposcopy 2 weeks later and found that it was only on a tiny spot outside of my cervix, not in the canal or any other place on the outside of my cervix. OK so this is good news right? Well, I suffered from an infection after the 2nd colp. and got really depressed about all of the procedures and the outcomes...all sort of a death sentence (I had a panic attack on the table during the 1st colp.).

Anyway, I suppose the reason I feel this way is because I received HPV because of a sexual assault when I was 18. I am only 23. I know it was this person, a person I knew and trusted, because I have not been with anyone else ever. I have a boyfriend now of 5 years who is wonderful and knows what happened and is totally supportive; however, I am now struggling with intimacy, the idea that I am dirty not only because of the assault, but because I thought the whole trauma of the assault and fear of pregnancy and disease would be over you know? I didn't think I would have to deal with it again, yet now I will always have this. I am really angry and sad about the whole thing. I am in therapy and on medication, but I still struggle with the whole ordeal. I am also angry because I haven't be promiscuous, how is this fair? I love my boyfriend and we might get married some day and I know we had decided/were ready (before this all happened) to have sex. Please let me know if you have had a similar experience or have any advice. Thanks.

By sapphkat
Posted December 4, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Report post

I am glad to hear that you are in therapy.. you have a lot of stuff that you are dealing with that no one should have to. Feel free to vent, talk, ask questions.. people are super supportive on this website.

I will say that you are falling into the stigma that surrounds HPV, yeah it sucks that you have it, but 80% of women will have it at some point. You are not dirty.. please don't think like that. I am glad your bf is understanding and supportive. You will need that. It is natural to feel broken or not very sexual during this time. It does get better. Hang in there. You are doing all the right things to help you get better. Talking about it helps and knowledge is power!!

By brattanygrl
Posted December 5, 2008 at 9:24 am
Report post

i'm a very sorry to hear your story, i see how it would be much more depressing to be goin thru this when you didn't do anything wrong. however know that your body CAN clear the hpv infection. it feels like a death sentence to a lot of people(including me). but with all the knowlege i've gained, i feel more empowered. i've had hpv since i was 16 with abnormal paps since i was 15. in july my LSIL results suddenly changed to HSIL. i've had paps every 6 mos since i was in high school. they did a leep biopsy and found CIN. but lucky me, the leep got rid of what the doctors says is everything. so even after a long time of bad news, things can turn around. just waiting on my most recent pap and other test results. but i am hopeful and i think that i am cancer free.

the whole intimacy/sexuality thing. i went thru the same thing. it's very difficult to know that things could change very drastically very quickly at such a young age. keep talking and things will get better, thats what i found. even if i was telling the same person everyday the exact same thing, it made me feel better.

best of luck and i hope all the support helps you thru.

By bethieboo
Posted December 5, 2008 at 10:17 am
Report post

hi ktladie02,
I'm sorry about your situation. There is no sure way to know where you got the hpv as it could have came from your current bf and there is no way to test men at this time but regardless your current bf has been exposed and should consider himself a carrier if something were to happen to the two of you and he had other relationships.
Regardless of WHO or WHEN you got the hpv you should not be ashamed or feel dirty as it is very common - so common that I read the other day that there will be a day when the majority of people will have it.
Once you have the hpv you will always have the virus but won't always test positive for it as the bodies immune system fights it off and it lays dormant..... for some of us that doesn't happen and that stinks!!!
I went 9 years without getting a pap so I wasn't real surprised when I found out I had a problem - that was June 2006.... and 12/12 I am getting my second cone and hoping for the best.
Don't let this virus get between you and your bf - the exposure has already happened, it's no one's fault no matter where it came from and it's nothing to be ashamed of... if treated early enough and the body does what it should nothing will come of it.
Be sure to keep your appointments and do what the doctor tells you. Do some research on this and you will be surprised at how common it is... the cdc (center for disease control) has recorded cases so that's a great source of information for the hpv and other std's.
For me the hpv as an eye opener to how serious std's are and how common they are as I once had the thinking that I'm clean, I'm intimate with clean people so I'm not at risk... that is nothing more than a mindset as clean has nothing to do with it!
First you need to accept what you have and educate yourself on it..... a life sentence - by no means!!! You can have a healthy productive life, get married, have children and everything that someone without hpv has.
This board is a wonderful place for support and to share experiences and know what to expect as most of us have had more damage from the hpv - some very serious cases... take those, learn from those, educate yourself on the virus and show it who's boss!
We are all here for you, I will keep you in my prayers as I do every woman on here looking for support, and keep us posted!!

By erinleigh8
Posted December 5, 2008 at 11:19 am
Report post

Hi ktladie02,
First off, I just wanted to say that I hope you get some peace of mind by talking with the women on this site. It's been a source of strength and empowerment for me and everyone else on here! Know that you can say anything here, it truly is a community.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't even begin to understand the kind of mental and emotional pain you must be under, but it sounds like you are doing what you can to deal with it by going to therapy and taking meds, and that right there is something you should be proud of. Many women in similar situations just let the pain eat them up inside. And when this virus is involved, that's the last thing your mind and body needs. You need to be strong in your body and mind to fight the virus. I know it's hard, but thinking of your diagnosis as a death sentence is only going to affect you negatively. Don't underestimate the power of your mind—if you think negative thoughts, your body will respond negatively. But if you try to stay positive and focus your attention on all the good things you have in your life, like you wonderful, supportive bf, then your body will respond positively.

Have you tried meditation or yoga? After my last surgery I was feeling pretty low. I had a radical trachelectomy in September to remove my cervix and surrounding lymphnodes. I was really frustrated with my body trying to get back to work and being able to go out with friends again and basically just resume my life. I joined a new yoga studio and have been going three to four days a week. Not only have I felt more energized and healthy in my body, but I am happier and more patient with myself and others. I feel good now, overall, and I truly believe it's because I worked really hard at staying in a positive frame of mind throughout the whole experience. I know that this is a fight I have to face for the rest of my life and sometimes that makes me sad, but I try not to let that break my spirit. Instead, I just really focus on being happy and healthy every day, knowing that my body will respond to that. It's all about finding something that centers you, and I really hope that you can find that something, too.

Take care,
Erin

By Faith2
Posted December 5, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Report post

Dear ktladie02,

I am sorry for everything you're going through. I am glad to read that you're getting counseling and working through this.

I would like to ask you to broaden your thinking based on something you said, "...I haven't been promisuous, how is this fair?" You were young when you were sexually assaulted - something that is not fair and something that you certainly did not deserve. Although, it sounds like you're trying to put pieces together to heal, it may help to also ask, does anyone deserve cancer - promisuous, or not? If a woman's partner is promiscuous and she is not, she still is at risk for contracting oncogenic strains of HPV. If she has had only one partner, and if that partner has had one other partner or more, that's all it takes. There is a terrible stigma that many women are fighting that somehow they are dirty or wrong for being HPV+. The fact is almost 80% of sexually active women, by the time they are 50 yrs old, will have had HPV. Most women will clear an HPV infection on their own. You are doing all the right things by getting Paps and being examined/treated. There is a book recommended by Corellin (you'll see her threads on this site) called "What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About HPV and Abnormal Pap Smears" by Joel Palefsky, M.D. Also, Flowershoplady has posted many ways to boost the immune system and keep it healthy to fight HPV. I would just like to add that taking multi-vitamin B supplements, magnesium and zinc supplements keep your immune system in shape, too. Hang in there. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for inner peace.

By its_my_goliath
Posted December 5, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Report post

Do you have copies of all your medical records? I would have your current doc review them. I am finding out that I my paps were read incorrectly and that's more than likely why my cancer was missed. I have full blown cancer not just dysplacia.

Dysplacia is not a death sentence. Get it taken care of and take your of yourself.

By Pamme
Posted December 6, 2008 at 12:12 am
Report post

This is so sad and you are so young. I have a few things to encourage you. I have read that you can boost your immune system to get HPV out of your system and they have a DNA test they can do to test for that, but you have to be serious about your health and eat lots of fruits and veg. and exercise and get stress out of your life or deal with it ( prayer helps) Get all your treatments in a timely manner and do not procrastinate as cancer is really aggressive, Just don't let fear keep you from doing what you need to do and always believe that God wants to heal you ( because the bible says he does)Do not let guilt about the rape make you feel dirty of this disease - that is a lie from the pit (devil), By his striped we are healed. Isaiah 53 ( talking about Jesus) God Bless/In Christ Pam Holloway

By mom2_5
Posted December 6, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Report post

Hi ktladie02,

Wow! You have a lot to deal with. I'd like to offer you a little advice from one victim of sexual assault to another. Try to focus right now on treating the hpv without associating the infection with the assault. I know how hard that is, but it will only be maddening. It is difficult enough to recover from sexual assaults, but when you add more to it, it becomes overwhelming! Tackle one problem at a time. And I agree with the other ladies, hpv does carry quite a social stigma (one that needs to be obliterated)! Please don't fall victim to this stigma. Just because a woman is infected DOES NOT make her bad, cheap or dirty. It just puts her in the same category as 80% of women in this world...

Count your blessings! You have not been diagnosed with cancer! WooHoo!!!!You caught it before it reached that point! Even though it is still bad it could be worse. When I get down, I read the stories of some of the other ladies on here who are going through chemo & radiation. It really helps me out.

Take Care, continue with the therapy-It really helps, and know that people are here to listen any time you need a friendly "ear"!!!!

Big Hugs!

By speechie
Posted December 7, 2008 at 1:12 am
Report post

Hello, ktladie02. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I, too, was diagnosed with severe dysplasia while going through graduate school (Dec. 06). I really think the stress I was going through expedited everything. I, too, was an emotional wreck for quite some time. I also understand that you feel horrible about having HPV. Yes, I know that many other women have it, but it is difficult to deal with since you were never promiscuous. Again, I went through the same thing. All I have to say is that it eventually gets easier. Please stay positive and surround yourself with positive people. Keep up with all of your appointments, especially for colposcopies. I had 2 paps come back normal, but the biopsies came back as severe dysplasia. Continue with therapy and pick up a hobby that makes you happy. Hang in there!

By hopeandprayers
Posted December 8, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Report post

Please make sure you get your pap tests as often as your gyno tells you to. If he said it is one of the viruses that causes cervical cancer, don't take any chances stay on top of this and if you decide to have children get a hysterectomy afterward, don't mess around waiting to see what might happen.

By Laura333
Posted December 9, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Report post

ktladie02..hang in there! You are NOT dirty for having hpv...there are many many women who have it and all on this website have personal experiences because of hpv. I don't think it's absurd for you to have these feelings,..I too always feel a little like a "bad person" when I see my GYN and the issue of dysplasia and hpv come up. It is only natural to feel like this but you are definitely not alone! Unfortunately we are in an age that hpv vaccines are just now being developed...hopefully in the future, young girls everywhere will not have to deal with this because of the vaccines. I find it helpful to visit this site on a regular basis and I just joined a few days ago...I have already found comfort here.The most we can do is keep our head up and try to enjoy life anyway. We have to stay strong.

By mcshine
Posted December 22, 2008 at 11:48 am
Report post

hi, im new at this website but there seems to be a lot of good discussions. I am battling the same thing you are and a lot of women are. I just got my results back today form my first biopsy and they were CIN II/moderate. My first results were CIN II/III with HHPV. So i am thankful for the doc being able to remove some of the bad cells/ tissues during the LEEP procedure. But i feel bad because i have the virus and i want my body to get rid of it. Your body can get rid of the virus its not permanent. I just depends on your immune system. Anyways don't feel bad because like the other replays, a lot of people have had or do currently have a form of hpv since there are 100 diff. types out there.. So a lot of people have it and don't know they do.. I feel bad bc my boyfriend knows what is going on and he just wants to help me get healthy etc. He is always there for me. The only thing that sucks is that im on deployment in Africa with the navy so i have a lot on my mind but i can't let if stand in the way of my job. I cross my fingers that my next exam will be good. Anyways take care and keep your head up.. This is all new to me as well. thanks

By Jemmies
Posted May 8, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Report post

I was sexually assaulted as well. I don't know if that's where I got the hpv from though. I have had a deathly fear of the gyno since I was 9 and was literally held on the table and forced to have a gyno exam due to stomach problems. This kept me from going to the gyno until my most recent boyfriend and I started being intimate. I needed birth control and so I HAD to have a pap. I thought nothing of it because before him it had been years since I had sex and he was a virgin. So I just want you to know that while we may not all have the identical stories we are all here for supprot hope this helps even if it is late

Welcome to Inspire!

Explore topics in this discussion:

13 replies

Add to the discussion

NCCC on Twitter

Group leaders

You