Yet Again (5/21/13)

My "closest friend" (or so I thought)
Talked about me behind my back
Influencing others in our group.
Guessing, but not knowing,
I asked her, and she lied.
At least.
If to me, then who else?

The gang we shared heard only her side
Because I didn't know
Emails were being sent
Chats were being had
Sides were being chosen...
Decisions (judgments) about me
Made without me.
In some cases, by people who don't even know me.
The feeling was so familiar:
Not just for myself
But for a dear friend,
Herself in need of peer support,
Also obviously judged.

Who, now, can I trust?
Yet again I ask that question,
Popping up in my life since childhood.

If I let it go down my "sick" path
Taught me so young
I'll doubt my own judgment
And, not even able to trust myself,
I'll shut down.

But, I remember...
I don't have to do that anymore.

I can let the question
Open me up, clear out the clutter,
Redefine priorities,
Moving me foward,
Beyond the pettiness
Beyond whatever stories were told
Or deepest of secrets shared or not
Beyond the lies
Beyond the judgments
Beyond the question itself.

What I remember, now,
Is the lesson learned before:
Opinions only matter to me
As much as the person holding them.

~ Annie

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