Too many thoughts are trying to break through today, not that hubby would really understand that, cuz he doesn't believe in my illness. Doesn't matter how I really feel when he asks "how are you?", can't make me better, maybe only make me feel worse.
Because chatting with him will add more wood to the fire. Besides he will only want to add more to his "suffering" which he seems to accept for himself. I tell him that is wrong, but he says he is used to it. I don't want to start another argument about how depression for him is not real and how he has tried meds but they didn't work. He accepts pain but does not accept his own depression, does not make any sense.
I am going to take a nap and see if some of the feelings disapaite. Doesn't matter what they are because they have no cause, they are just made up like the rest of my illness. Sometimes I think if he would listen he could get better and maybe try to make us better too, but I know that will never happen, hasn't in 4 years, never will.
But I am working at keeping my own thoughts from spiraling out. Gonna nap. Cool bed, ceiling fan, stuffed animals. If he were a kid maybe he would listen. He makes me wanna cry...
Edited June 17, 2013 at 2:53 pm