My Experiences With Bullying

Lessee here...general verbal abuse from both students and teachers throughout elementary school.
Middle school: transferred to a preppy private school and was beaten and humiliated almost daily, distinctly remember being almost choked to death over the other kid losing a game of tag. I remember desperately trying to breathe, teachers pointing me out to their students and encouraging them to laugh.
I remember summoning up the courage to talk to the girl that I liked in my grade, and being told "Why would a girl like me ever talk to a boy like you?" The whole class, teacher involved, laughed at me.
I remember going away to camp a couple weeks after my grandma died, and crying my brains out in grief. The other campers assumed that I was homesick, and I was isolated in my cabin the entire time.
That was a hellish half year, and my folks threatened legal action even though they couldn't possibly pay for it. My family has considered me to be a worthless runt since then, but who cares, they're pretty worthless themselves.
Because of that, I was transferred to a special needs school. I was one of the few kids there who wasn't either mentally retarded or had some kind of personality disorder. Constantly having visions of killing myself in gruesome ways, and feeling intense pleasure from those visions. Gradually developed an understanding that no one would ever love me. Took out my anger and rage on a mentally challenged classmate, and constantly bullied him. Eventually realized what I was doing and apologized to him, but it was far too late.
I remember a girl there, one of the only ones, deliberately pressing her breasts in my face to incite laughter in the surrounding students. Some deranged weird kid attacked one of my only friends there, and I threatened to kill him in front of the administration. He was dragged out of the building and was never seen again.
High school: much better treatment, beaten far less. General verbal abuse became a part of my day, due to my religion and general lack of sexual experience at that time.
Things got better for me since I suddenly hit a growth spurt and was suddenly tall enough that my former bullies wouldn't mess with me anymore. I also stopped caring about my appearance, and took on a sickly pale look. If you saw me then, you'd think I was a zombie. I got really good at scaring people away from me. I'm still very good at it. I attribute that to snapping at one point and beating the holy hell out of a smaller kid who stupidly tried to mess with me. After that story got around, no one messed with me.
I remember all the girls who confided in me, the lowest of the low, that they had been sexually abused or raped. My parents would have to threaten me just to keep me from finding and beating those people. I had a real violent streak then, and if not for them, I would be in prison.
I remember being made fun of in gym class for refusing to change in front of other people. I had a fear of being naked in front of others. Nor did I want to see any of them naked.
I remember being sexually harassed several times by a high school wrestler. He'd try to feel me up and spanked me on a couple occasions. Another guy would do the same.
I remember cheerleaders pretending to try and seduce me and then laughing in my face.
I remember all the girls who told me off on the pure assumption that they would ever want a guy "as hideous as me." And I remember all the girls who broke into hysterical laughter when I shyly asked them on a date. Rejection by the opposite sex comes with the territory.

Yeah, that's all I can remember. If there was anything else, I probably repressed it. And I'm one of the lucky ones, I've heard of people going through far worse than I have. I was saved by a mere growth spurt. Others aren't that lucky. But all of this has probably affected me in some way. I could have been a far better human being if this hadn't happened. Many of the victims of bullying turn to religion in a desperate attempt to convince themselves that they are worth something. Others become the very thing that they promised themselves not to be. I simply became hateful and apathetic. I don't trust anybody, I assume everyone is lying unless otherwise proven honest. And I know that this will never change. I'm showing improvement. Some.
I have a strange disconnect from people as a result. I consider very few people to be my friend, and automatically assume that most people do not like me.
But I'm still one of the lucky ones. People have killed themselves. I never actually tried, even though I wanted to for years.
Even so, I strangely stopped feeling all the pain of all of these memories a while back. I just don't care enough to feel anything about that anymore. It takes a daily effort to put on the "happy mask," and be what people want me to be.
Do I want my aggressors to suffer? I did, but not that much now. I don't see what would be accomplished through their pain. It wouldn't make me any happier.
I can always hope that one day people come to their senses and are just nice, but I highly doubt that's going to happen. Every generation some kids are going to appear who weren't "made" right, who are weaker or fatter or happen to be different from what is accepted. Those unlucky people will be victimized. Many will kill themselves. This process is going to repeat itself till the end of time, and sadly there's nothing we can do about it. Bullying will only stop when people are good. And humanity has never been all that good.

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