I felt like posting a journal entry on here because I hunger for human contact.
So, my obsessive compulsive thoughts have been tormenting me for the past few weeks. I feel like they are just starting to simmer.
I'm feeling less out of control and luckily meditating helps me not reach that point of complete chaos. I still experience discomfort but I know that when I do no meditate it is so much more worse.
I have past traumas that have been haunting me particularly bad lately. They are of the sexual nature and because of my bad past experiences I have so many trust issues. It's really difficult. I want to feel emotionally stable and healthy.
I feel scared openly saying what I did and don't wish to disclose anymore than what I have. I just felt the need to let that out. I know many can relate.
Everyone has gone through something difficult in their life.
I just feel so exhausted feeling tormented from the past. It has shaped me negatively.
Aside from that, I feel stuck in my life. I am trying not to dwell on how unconfident I feel and try to go out and accomplish my goals. It's difficult when everyday I wake up with a feeling of dread.
Blah blah blah.
I feel like what is all this for? I know existence is awesome for the fact that I get to experience consciousness but I have so many issues that I need to overcome and work through and I don't know how to articulate this feeling I have. It's like....I want to scramble everything and bend the lines. Like everything I see has grid lines over it and I want to...this probably doesn't make sense. I am frustrated that I can't convey my thoughts. I feel like I want to explode. I need something new in life. I achingly long for friends and yet I don't feel that I am enough for anyone.