It just doesn't matter any more. Trying and failing is what I am good at. I don't feel the same these days. I don't know if it is my meds or is it me? I do things that I never thought I would do. Mostly I just don't care. And therefore, I guess I just don't care about me. Kind of reminds me of when a kid gets in trouble all the time, because he gets more attention when he is bad then when he is good.
Does it really pay in this world to be good? I don't think so anymore. You should take the blame for all the crap. Let others blame you for things being your fault. Let others blame you for lying. Let them blame you for stalking or harrassing when all you want is someone to listen....JUST LISTEN to me.
I am not inconsequential. I matter. My thoughts and feelings matter. And knowledge is not evil. It is not evil power. Having knowledge is power when you know not to use it.
Maybe someday I will wind up on the 6:00 news because I will be accused of bullying, while posting online about bullies. Or be accused of being crazy and sick. Yes, I am. I am crazy when people I thought cared about me, just plain gave up, when I wasn't ready to give up yet.
I hate the world. I hate living in it. This is why I understand suicide. Because yes, it is the easy way out, no it is not the only way out......but I understand the peace it would give me....No one else gives a f#$k about me, why should I care about me?
I am so tired of trying to be nice to people who don't treat me the way I treat them. Yet when I treat them for the way they treat me, then I become the "criminal".
I hate people.