Helps me to help you

I joined this site to help other people. I have been living with my depression a long time. Still educating family who still insist I can "get over it" or "shouldn't I be cured by now" or "maybe you need a new doctor if you are still depressed".

I guess it never occured to them that my depression is permanent for me. Chronic sounds like a cold, so I like to say that I am in for it till they find a cure.

Guess what, I never realized how much helping, advising, to other people about depression, anxiety and that excess of emotions has really helped me to. It just reiterates what I tell myself in my head, or my psych tells me all the time. But hearing it out loud as advice to someone else who understands it is mind blowing (so to speak)

The past year I lost, what I thought was, a good friend because they couldn't take the unpredictabilty of my moods and responses. It threw me for a loop.

In the old days, I would sit by the window, and write in my journal and cry about myself. Now I sit at the computer and write about myself, holding back my tears because once I let them go they envelop me. I am afraid I will never come back.

I miss having a good friend to chat with who listens and understands me. Consoles me and hugs me when I need it. But living on my own has its definite plusses ... I don't hurt other people with my depressive episodes. Namely my son. He is with his dad. He aches so much because he knows there is nothing he can do to help me.

So here I am spouting off about my feelings on here or my blog. Mostly I am ok. I think. But .... but ... sometimes I am sleepless till 3am and in and out of bed for a day or two.

I wish someone out there some where could really find one big cure for depressive illness, especially those of us who suffer continuously...

Peace to my friends and family for caring ... still.