Lately I've been getting more and more apathetic about pretty much everything. My grades are slipping, what little social life I had before is almost gone, I just hate being around people now, hurts too much.
It's just so much better being alone. Being alone, only one person is constantly hurting me emotionally, which is me. My parents have almost entirely stopped talking to me, my family has too. They've all given up, and I'm a lost cause. Hey, they've got other children they can praise, at least THEY are accomplishing something with their lives.
I've read that the main side effect of antidepressants, ironically enough, is suicidal thoughts. Maybe that's the last push I need. I know, blah blah blah, people care about me, yadda yadda yadda. Not killing myself now will only prolong my life for another several decades, decades I won't need. If you're going to accomplish something with your life, or change the world, or get famous, or whatever we're here for, then I suppose you've got a valid point. Not me. People like me don't ever accomplish anything, unless you're Stephen Hawking or something.
The last official day of my life was when I graduated high school. That was the last day I felt like I had a purpose. After that, I've been calmly waiting, and will be waiting until I finally, luckily, die. I can see my own future. I'm going to graduate college, get a terrible job (probably in the film industry). I won't be able to go to film school, since I'm a terrible filmmaker. So I'll work for some low budget crappy production company. If I'm lucky, I'll direct a terrible cheap commercial or three. I will be alone this whole time, hated by all. And then, several decades from now, the last of my family will die and I'll be officially alone. Then I probably will kill myself, as there will be nothing keeping me on this dumphole of a universe.
I like to think that after death it's just nothing. It's like being asleep forever, and you're not aware of anything. That sounds like Heaven to me.