My mother tried to reschedule my appointment for Social Security, but they wouldn't let her because they wanted me to call. She told that I absolutely cannot speak on the phone because of my anxiety, but they said that it didn't matter. They had to hear from me. It's so tiring that I can't get what I need because I can't do things for myself.
I'm so tired of my mother bringing up that I'm not in school. She and my stepfather cleaned my two brothers room. They are both healthy 17 and 24 year old. They can clean for themselves. She brought up the fact that my 17 brother is in school, but when I was in school I had to clean my room, the living room, the bathrooms and the kitchen. I still do. I do freaking everything or I get screamed at for being lazy and not doing it. I physically cannot stand at times and she doesn't even care that I'm in pain.
I'm so tired of being mentally and emotionally abused. I'm constantly told that I'm fat and I'm doing nothing with my life. I can't take this anymore. I hate myself. I am constantly crying. I had a horrible childhood. She never cared. She was emotionally and physically not there. My father only showed up every five years for one hour. He'd give me 20 dollars and just disappear again. I hate her more for being there and doing nothing. I can forgive him for not being there, but I hate her for the things she's said and done. I accept that he wasn't ready to be a father and I think at times she resents because of my father. She's told me when I was 16 that if she had to choose between me and my stepfather she would choose him.
My medication isn't working well anymore and my body is killing me. My fingers are so stiff and swollen it hurts to bend them. My scalp psoriasis is clearing up really well, but it aggravating to put on the medicine constantly. It's worth it though, I really want to be able to have my scalp be completely clear.
I have psoriasis spread on my back in tiny dots and can't reach it so I rely on her to put my medication. I know she hates get up every night to put it. She rather lay in bed and do nothing. She rather go out and hang out with her friends who are around my age.
I want to lose weight so desperately, but I have absolutely no will. I get depressed and just full apart at times. I've been an emotional eater since I was very young and have no idea how to change that. I don't have enough clothes because it is so hard to find clothes that fit me and feel comfortable. I want to be able to shop and find clothes easily. I'm insecure about everything. I feel ugly. I hate that my teeth are yellow. I'm fat and my skin is disgusting. I have absolutely no money. I rely solely on my mother who has never liked buying stuff for me even as a child. I want to be able to feel comfortable and not constantly think what people are thinking when they look at me. I have trust issues. I have abandonment issues. I've been beaten. I'm just completely broken. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling stupid. I'm tired of not understanding anything. I'm tired of being tired.
My skin is irritating. I can't help picking at it so it never heals. I know I shouldn't scratch it but I can't help cause it bothering me. I'm insecure. My body hurts.
Everything is going wrong in my life. I'm tired of being alone and constantly craving someone to actually love me.
Edited October 22, 2012 at 10:47 am