Overthinking is my biggest problem. This anxiety never, ever stops. Sophie has been unbearable, ever since her dumb crush on Corey started. She's gotten way out of line, pretending she's me, asking Mathew to see Corey and talk to him, flirting with him over Facebook. I can't take it anymore, it's so upsetting.
I slipped back into my old ways and cutting is no big deal anymore. I spend a whole lot of time holding the razor in between my fingers, and I even got comfortable to hold it while Mat's looking.
I started cutting myself out of photos again. I promised myself I'd stop when I cut up my childhood photos, but couldn't bring myself up to it anymore. All the fake smiles in the photos were just too much. I cut them all up. And made Mathew cry. I hate upsetting him. I'm so undeserving of his love.
I cut my arm 5 times. Slow, superficial cuts. No scar, just sensation.
I'm thinking about giving up the guitar. I'm not good at it. I mean, I play the same chords over and over, and over, and it's not well played.
I'm also considering stopping singing. Last week I was listening to Sara (my best friend) sing, and her angelical voice reminded me of how someone like her, who sang to herself, was showered in talent, while I, completely untalented, flaunted something I don't even have. I remembered my ex boyfriend saying "Jess, you're great at guitar, but please don't sing".
Mathew's friend Dylan came home today. He went out to hang out with him and I realised how much I missed him when he's gone. He spends 90% of his waking hours with me, and when he doesn't, I feel this sense of lost and desperation. I guess I'm getting attached again. Should I start my standard detachment process? I'm seriously considering it.
It's not Mathew's fault. I just don't want to be this attached again. I feel like he may have grown on me a little bit too much, and I don't want to give him all of me because I'm scared he'll leave and I'll have nothing left. It's a scary thought, but the detachment process is not very harsh. It's just... Less use of "I love you", a bit less intimacy, a bit more privacy, having my own secrets, not sharing my feelings so much, not sharing my actions so much... Just taking back part of myself, to myself, and not giving him so much. It's worked in the past, the relationships were cut back short, but I wasn't hurt.
It's like.... Taking your cake out of the oven before it's completely baked, to prevent it from burning.
Talking about cakes, I'm thinking about going on a strict diet. And as a strict diet the way I know, I'll just leave Sophie to it. No eating, and if I eat, purge. Same as usual, nothing new to be seen here.
I cut my thumb yesterday. Accidentally. Been staring at the cut all day. It was a deep cut. And the feeling of deep cuts is something I hadn't had in a while. Sort of miss it. Who am I kidding. I really miss it. Sort of triggered me back.
I don't keep the razor in the cinnamon box anymore. Mathew recognizes the sound. Now I keep it under the keyboard.
My father confirmed that my mother is indeed working as a prostitute, and this is something that makes me so anxious that the only way out seems to be the window or a nice nap in a train track. He walked in my room this morning while I talked to Mat. Talked to me for an hour about how my mother was a whore and how I shouldn't go live with her unless that was the future I wanted for myself. They were on the phone with each other the night before. He was on about how she was a drunk mess, a slut, and that she was a horrible mother. My mother was crying on the phone begging him to stop texting her those things when she did absolutely nothing to him. He passed me the phone and she was drunk, at work. She has to drink, to work. Men buy her drinks and pay her for her other "services". She begged me to go live with her. About an hour later I had my dad sitting in my bed beside me begging me to stay.
I've been thinking about suicide and self harm so much I can barely start thinking about the Gospel or anything of the sort. I went to a church activity today. All I did was watch the girls play while I sat with 2 girls teaching them sign language and eating.
Mathew got back. He's really excited about his friend Dylan coming back. He's about to go to Dylan's place to hang out with everyone, (well, mostly Dylan, since he got back from California). The feeling of desperation of being by myself is back. That's it. Detach. Full mode. I can't do this anymore. I can't be this attached to him. The worst part is how in love he is with me. I can see it. And it kills me.
He's telling me how he usually wouldn't mind dying, but now he feels happy to be alive. "With you in my life, I'm glad and happy to be alive.", isn't that something that'll wrench my insides, knowing how all I thought about since I left the house was killing myself?
I'm awful. I can't take it.