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I have had difficulty in the past with writing and tracking my emotional experiences. I am hoping I can use this as an outlet for my thoughts and connecting with others who understand my struggles and my inspirations. I was diagnosed at 17 and got to spend some time inpatient at 18 and again at 19 for severe depression and drug abuse. I thought I had been managing well but just recently (in my mid 30s), I have had to go back into inpatient treatment for a mixed state episode. I am in a Partial Hospitalization Program now that helps keep me on schedule and teaching me healthy coping mechanisms to help me stay as balanced as one can when they suffer Bipolar Disorder. My hope is to start working again as I am currently on disability and feel like an invalid who can't contribute even the simplest of daily chores. I want to be better and have hope that, although there may not be a cure, my condition can be managed in a way that I can be more productive member of society. I just am not sure how do that. Who I really am outside of my disorder is confusing. I am unsure of my true strengths and weaknesses, leaving me in a sort of identity crises. Who I am and who I want to be are lost in a blur of low self confidence, worry and anxiety, mixed with a touch of self hatred. Who am I other than my diagnosis and what am I actually capable of? I am scared I may never know

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