been a while

i am tired today. and feeling i want to go back. back to the hospital. people understood me and cared about me. didn't accuse me of lying. it was comfortable being there. only thing is, difficult to get enough exercise. the techs and nurses made me feel okay about being me. i didn't feel so stressed about living in a world that pretty much tells me i shouldn't exist, because depression isn't real.

no one would ever want to live with this. sometimes these days i sit in total quiet and watch the leaves fall from the trees. i remember what it was like when mom and dad were still around. you know its been 10 years since they passed away. but it doesn't feel like that.

and after my hospital stay I have noticed i am now afraid of dying. not of death, but dying. scary. with the way my family is, i wouldn't want them to be around. i don't want all those negative people in my life, but i want someone to be around to say goodbye.

i tried to talk to my sister about me saying what i think and doing what i know is right. again, she only confirmed what i already knew about her. the family Christmas party is coming up again. Last year I sent my son by himself. This year i thought about going, but i am not so sure. thinking about it gives me anxiety.

i really miss the people in the hospital, not just the techs and nurses, but the patients too. we had our own little clicques in there. i am tierd of thinking, so i am going to bed soon.

at least my brain is empty of those horrible thoughts before I went to the hospital, that is my biggest happiness. i continue to go on. i will continue to hope and maybe (a big maybe) someone will find a cure before i die.

You know you never realize how "empty" your mind can be when all those confusing thoughts, ideas, and pictures are cluttering up your head. Now I think about it, those pictures have always been there, as far back as I can remember.

when i couldn't visualize math problems i couldn't figure out how to do it. sometimes visualizing the beach or sand now is very hard to do. I suppose out with the bad sometimes the good goes with it. i suppose this is why so many people don't like anti-depressant meds. I can't say I blame them, but I so understand wanting to have all the muck out. All the books in the library are closed now. My head is so quiet now. and it's a nice quiet for a change.

Edited November 12, 2013 at 12:25 pm

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