As of today....

I am 41 and I am struggling to make since of my new world of being only half of myself. Although I have struggled through many obstacles in my life, I never quite saw myself ever feeling so "not in control" or "not looking on the bright side" as I do right now.
As a child, I was a bit sickly...I guess. I had chronic ear infections and if anyone around me was sick, you know I was sharing the experience with them! Being the youngest of 3 girls, you'd have to say, I was the most outgoing of us!
( I was the silly one), I was "Daddy's lil sportster"....aka....tomboy! Only girl on my sports teams, I rocked! Lol! I, also, danced, swam......which I'm sure was a horrible asset to my chronic ear infections!
Growing up was interesting, looking back now. I know I had hearing issues from day 1, but never thought much about it, until, my breakdown, in my 30's.
Please understand, my parents are good people! But we were spanked if we misbehaved. Me, more so, than my sisters. I was not a bad kid, but, until my parents realized I couldn't hear well, I was thought to be a brat. ( my Mom still talks and feels crappy because of the spankings I should never have had and the freaking out I did when punished). It was not until the first grade hearing test at school, my parents were able to put the pieces together. I was in LD and a speech class after that. They never acted as though I was struggling...which was good for me! It was about 7th grade, I realized things! I knew I wasn't really LD, I just could not understand what my teachers were saying!

That starts a different chapter. I started letting teacher know I needed to be in the front of the class and learned to talk to my teachers if I didn't understand! My academics went from below average to above average! It was not easy, but very possible and I did not shy away from my ability to do well in school. School work was a huge challenge and I had to wor k harder than most. That was no problem...always looking for challenges! Haahaa!

I was a nieve though. Unfortunately, given my pre determination on punishment and ignorance of abuse, I fell into the hands of an older fellow, who abused be mentally and physically at 16. He was 21. It was a devastating part of my the typical story goes. Long story short, manipulation, isolation, pregnancy.....forced to aboard ......devastation of aborting, threats afterwards of telling others that I was a slut.....if I ever did anything against him., to filing abuse charges, in which he talked me out of and running away with him. Being 17 and astranged from my family, started working full time job, and getting pregnant again. Pressured to aboard again ( but the voice...knowing God was giving me a second chance)....I did not do! Reuniting with my Mom and she was my support, I worked, went to night high school and got my diploma, and gave birth to my oldest boy!
Three months later, I moved in with my mom and a new direction in life....being a single mom !

I got a new job, volunteered in several agencies and coached my lil man( A team of lil men) playing soccer for several years! I was the only female new meaning to "soccer mom"! Lol! I loved it! I played soccer all my life and was able to give back! I had the best boys and, YES, the best parents! Not bragging...well...a bit bragging, they loved me too! My team was great! Defying being the "young lil lady" that time, with the good ole coaching the other teams. We were nearly undefeated in 6 seasons! Valuing each of my boys on their accomplishments in a game and approaching future games as a challenge to better improve what they have done with new ideas for their skills. The only intolerance I ever the very first practice of every season my boys and parents, was a lack of good or lose! Talk with me with any issues and we will " get er done"!
It was the most rewarding time of my life....

I will have to continue another time, for I am a bit tired again.....

Til then....

Rock it out!

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