Prisoner in my own home

I am going to be honest..... last weekend, I tried to kill myself. I took a lot of pills washed them down with some alcohol and went to bed.

As you may already know..... It did not work. Not sure exactly how I got to the hospital, since I happen to live alone, but needless to say I was there in the psych ward that is in my area. I was there for the entire week.

Now that I am home, I am a prisoner. Not sure exactly what deal was struck so that I can go home, but I am here.... with my mother hovering over everything that I do in a 1 bedroom apt.

She will even be driving me to and from work for the next month. How adult is that, I am in my 40's and I am limited to what my mother will allow. I have been taking care of myself since I was 16 yrs old.

I have to see my therapist now 3 times a week and a psychiatrist appt has been made so that he will be able to assess if meds are needed, which she will ensure that I go to since I am not allowed to drive a car for the next month unless my therapist tells tells them (whoever they are) that it needs to be extended.

I know that she hates to have to uproot her life to take care of me again as an adult, but I have yet to see any animocity since it has only been 1 day.

How is treatment like this supposed to make me feel better about myself. I suppose I am better off then some being that I did get to go home. However, with everything that I do now seems as if she is judging me. Her looks make me feel as if I am a disappointment. My two sisters make me feel as if something is wrong with me like I am this delicate flower that needs to handled with care. I can hear her on the phone talking to them giving progress reports on everything from how much food I have eaten to weather or not I decided to take a shower or even comb my hair.

What did they tell my job was the reason that I was not in the office for a week? I dread going to work in the morning.

If this is the first weekend home, how will the next month be?

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I am glad you were not successful in your attempt. Please know that if you continue to take the steps to get better, it will get better, one day at a time. Your mom gives reports because she is comforting your sisters in letting them know you are actively participating in your recovery. I have been through cancer twice, once for anal and once for lung. I want to live, and I hope that you will find that you want to live also. You were saved for a reason, and I hope you will find what you need for a better life. Please keep us updated. Lori

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Hi Lori! I'm sorry to hear life is so bad for you right now! Can I ask why you felt the need to end your life? Do you have Cancer or some other desease? I'm a mother and speaking as one I'm sure it is panic and concern your seeing in your mothers eyes! Maybe she even feels a sense of helplessness! I have a Son who is Bipolar and a Son who is Diabetic and as a Mother of these two boys who are in there 40's i feel all of these things on a dailey basis! As a mother you Never stop worrying and carring for your Chldren! So if you can maybe you could ask her what she's feeling? Does your Dr. advise that she attend your sessions some times? I would do anything to take away the pain, hurt from my boys! Sorry, I'm trying to give you some insight to your Mothers feelings. Feel free to babble away here on Inspire, we all do it from time to time! Were hear to listen as well as give advise if you so choose to listen! God Bless you Dear! My knickname is Lori and I spelled it that way until recently I've gone back to Lorrie the way my mother spelled it when she was here!

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Hey Annie,

I must say that sometimes circumstances in life take advantage of one. When I say this I mean that life is so hard at times and we as human beings tend to forget that we belong in this world good or bad for some reason or the other. I know my sister years ago tried to commit suicide and I was present while she drink the liquid poison. I witnessed foam coming from her mouth and my family carrying her into the car to the hospital.

When she returned my mother was the same way watching us and every single move we made in the house "what are you doing" , "where are you going", like a prisoner in our home. She asked her Dr. and psychologist if there was a program that she can go away for several weeks as a therapeutic caring center and she found one. Maybe you should ask you Dr. or psychiatrist if there is a program like that in you area.

I wish you much health and pray that things work out for you.

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Annie is the original poster. I am Lori and just replied to Annie.

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I was in your shoe's. I have tried to commit suicide in my past but, I want you to know life gets better. My family did the exaxt same thing. They only act that way out of love though and that is one thing you need to keep reminding yourself. I would get mad at them too for treating me that way and then it dawned on me. At least they want to be part of my life. Some people don't have know one and here I was trying to throw it away and my family still loved me. The thimg that helped me through feeling like a prisoner in my home. I found hobbies to do. I would write and do all kinds of crafts. It just helped keeping myself busy that way I didn't have time to sit and think about everything. I hope this can help get you through the rough patch because life has to much to offer.

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I too have tried and luckily have failed. Several times so I understand where you are right now, where you just were and what is going on right now. I too resented my family as they helped nurse me back to help. I didn't understand how i got to the hospital or home or what they told my job. I returned for a few weeks then quit and eventually found a different job. (It was only retail, so easy to replace.) Anyway, it is often a long road to feeling the way you once felt when you were functioning as per usual. But I agree with other posts, the important thing to remember is back to a time when everything was ok. And that you WILL return, eventually, to that same woman you were. Yes, it sucks right now. I can't imagine working right now. But it helps to have a support group. When I was suicidal (and I was off and on for a while), I went to DBSA.org and NAMI.org local meetings once a week. I could say and do and feel anything and they understood. Just a suggestion. I also participated in an outpatient program in the best women's program I could find. It was the Princeton House Women's program, but they have IOP programs for mental illness I would guess nearly everywhere. It's an option as they usually have day, night and weekend schedules. It may get you out of the house and give you some time with others. You'll find you're better off than some and those a bit further down the road will give you hope.

Best of luck and hang in there.
-Wendy

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I knocked at death's door but she wouldn't let me in

Know exactly how you feel, subtracting many years, Now I have a louse of a spouse and live off the grid. Nearest town is over an hour away and I have no support network. Suicide Hotline has an unlisted number and when I finally got someone, I was put on hold twice. What irony. This whole fiasco should have been a skit on SNL. We need our own support group without relatives, friends or caretakers attending.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.

Carol

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