I had to "pick A topic".
I just joined this site. I guess I will start with my ptsd. I never knew what I had until last year when given the diagnosis of ADHD depression PTSD and now possible fibromyalgia. Whew.....where to go what to do??!!! I'm not having an easy time bringing my pain out into the open, but I have kids...so I know I need to if not for anyone else but them!!
I was all of twelve when I experienced my first real traumatic event when I watched helplessly as my mother had her first seizure. I had no idea what was happening to her and thought she was dead. By the time she had come to, I ha already called 911. The medics were helping her onto the gurney. One medic asked her if she knew how old she was and if she had any children. She didn't remember me until later in her hospital room where I remember her saying..."Honey Im sorry I scared you." What really terrified me the most was that she remembered my older brother, but couldn't remember me even if only short term. That same year I watched my father get handcuffed and arrested for indecent exposure at a place well known in the area for homosexual activity to occur. As the police car rode away with my father inside, I was terrified and believed I would never see h again. At sixteen I struggled with my self worth and who I was. I wasn't making good grades and started having sex and drank and smoked pot. That year I found out I was pregnant, my father was arrested yet again for the same thing only this time I was older and wiser. And it was worse, much worse! He lost his teaching position over it and I lost the man I trusted and adored. He abandoned me! He abandoned everything a father was supposed to be, he was a liar a fraud a phony and used his wife and kids as his cover. Oh wait I didn't tell you what occurred after I found out I was pregnant did I? Well the day I did find out, my mother was with me. She took me to a clinic to get checked over for my "flu" symptoms. I was afraid to tell her that I was pregnant. She wasn't too happy about it. She looked me in the eyes in that little room and said "How could you do this?" No words were said in the car on the ride home. She told my father and he wasted no time at all in getting rid of the evidence. His cover was about to be blown wide open and there was only one solution to the problem.....forced abortion. I had the abortion and within three days I was back in school and told not to discuss it any further with anyone, our family's name was at stake, and that was more important. So now back to finding out my dads little secret. The newspaper said it all and revealed the truth that I no longer could deny about my father to me. I knew even though I didn't want to know that he was gay. My mother had another seizure soon after that and my father so upset and devastated that he got caught, his cover blown his job gone(he was asked to quietly retire) that he had to be hospitalized for attempted suicide. My body hadn't even stopped bleeding yet from my forced abortion when all of this was occurring. I was hurting from physical pain, but the worst pain didn't come for many years. I had found ways of coping and stuffing all those painful and deeply devastating memories far back into my mind.
Okay I gave you the shorter more condensed version of that time in my past. Now it's all come bubbling to the surface like an underground volcano that's been waiting to erupt. I just want to have peace and healing from it all! I did seek counseling, and that left me where I'm at today, ready to erupt! Counseling did give me an outlet to talk about my painful past, but I finished all my sessions and all I feel they did was open a can of worms I wish now I hadn't opened!! At least I could find a way to cope with my painful past, now I just feel I was striped naked and left in the dessert with nothing.